Assumptions in Relationships – Are They Wrecking Everything?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
byBy: Ashley Webb
by Andrea M. Darcy
Assumptions are powerful little numbers. Masquerading as ‘facts’, they see you making choices based on little more than good guesses.
And assumptions in relationships can be particularly destructive, wreaking havoc in both your work, home, and social lives.
[Not sure what a healthy relationship even is? Read our Guide to Good Relationships.]
What do assumptions sound like?
- He didn’t call me tonight, so obviously he is not interested.
- My colleague didn’t invite me to her dinner party because she doesn’t like me.
- My boss talks to other employees more than me because he regrets hiring me.
- He’s so quiet, he’s obviously weird, I don’t want to know him.
- I can just tell he/she thinks I am not their type.
How are these assumptions? He might not have called because he had a family emergency. Your colleague might have had a partner who didn’t want anyone he didn’t know already at the dinner party, your boss might be attracted to you and nervous to talk to you, the quiet person might be your soulmate, and the person you are sure doesn’t like you really does.
How can I tell if I am making assumptions in relationships?
For the most part, you will be assuming you know what someone else thinks and feels.
By: Rodrigo Basaure
Assuming you know how someone else thinks and feels never works because you are seeing things from your unique perspective and value system, which are rarely the same as the other person’s.
While you can know the facts about a situation or someone’s actions that you have observed, a person’s feelings and thoughts are only available to you if you ask them. And they must trust you enough to tell you the truth.
Not sure if you are or are not making an assumption? Ask yourself the following:
- What facts do I have to prove this thought is true?
- What facts do I have to prove this thought isn’t true?
- Is it my own observation, or did someone else tell me this and I assumed it to be true?
Also look at what others say to you in relationships. Do you often get told to “stop telling me what I think?” Have people said to you, “you are always putting words in my mouth”? Or do friends and partners say things like, “you always assume you know how I feel when you don’t?”
Then look at key phrases that indicate assumptions, such as ,“I’m sure that…”, “I can tell that…”, “I just have a feeling that…”, or “obviously, he/she…”.
[For more about what assumptions are and what you can do to stop them, read our connected piece, Why Assumptions Ruin Your Mood and How to Stop Making Them.]
Why do assumptions ruin relationships?
Assumptions lead to ‘shut down’. We stop being open and receptive to the other person, stop trying to connect, stop making effort, or even walk away from a relationship or quit a job, all based on our own assumptions.
Assumptions create constant tension and conflict . If we assume we know what another person thinks or why they did what they did, they can feel judged, trapped, or like they are never given a chance.
By: Erica Firment
Assumptions can mean you don’t let other people see your good side. If you are always making assumptions about others you can come across as quite defensive. You might even, without wanting to, be seen as unkind.
And the end result is that assumptions can leave you feeling secretly quite lonely. They build a fortress around you that leaves others on the outside.
Why would I be making assumptions all the time?
It’s often down to a need to control others and situations. If not knowing how others think and feel makes you feel helpless, assumptions help you feel back in the driver’s seat.
Assumptions can also be a way of avoiding emotional pain. By always assuming we know what others think and feel, we avoid the risk of being vulnerable. We block out feedback that might hurt, but by so doing we also sadly block out learning the good things others would like to share with us, including real affection and love.
Making assumptions is thus also a habit of those who have a fear of intimacy.
How can I stop letting assumptions ruin my relationships?
Self-help and ‘bibliotherapy‘ can be a good place to start.
But if you feel you just can’t stop pushing others away and that your tendency to make assumptions is out of control or based on childhood issues, consider seeking support. A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you get to the root of why you always make assumptions, and will help you find new ways of behaving that mean you can learn to trust and feel connected to others at last.
Harley Therapy puts you in touch with some of London’s top counsellors and psychotherapists who work from three central London locations. Not in the UK? Consider Online Therapy, now proven as effective as in-person counselling for many issues.
Have a question about assumptions in relationships or want to share an experience? Do so below in our comment box.
Andrea M. Darcy is a writer, author, and coach. Find her @am_darcy
This article has been very insightful. I have been dealing with my ex always assuming the worst. We are broken up (some what recently), because he assumes it will eventually happen anyway. He assumes that I will want to change him if we were to marry. Even when I express my honest feeling on various matters, he chooses to believe his assumptions, versus taking my word. He is always ready to take flight when he feels or thinks that something might happen or go wrong. Me on the other had would rather talk it out and work through our issue or concern. I am an analytics person, I usually think before I speak. I am honest with him and myself. When he’s not assuming or doubting my love for him, the relationship is otherwise great. We consider ourselves one another’s best friend. We have a great admiration and respect for one another and tend to have a great time together as well. The chemistry between us is amazing. We both still love one another and miss one another, but he can not get over assuming the worse. I think that I will share this article with him and see if it will open up the lines of communication. Now that I think about it, he almost always takes an issue and assumes the worst, rather than ask me directly how I feel about certain things.
Thanks for writing this article. I pray that it helps my relationship or opens up a line of communication that has been missing.
Hi Sabrina, it sounds hard. Assumptions can mean we don’t truly see others clearly. We’d just add that it’s important to also take care of yourself in this situation. Sadly, we can’t change other people. But we can help ourselves and make sure we are practicing self-care. If you are desperately trying to love someone who is always seeking the exit, and now actually has left, it’s worth questioning what in you feels this is worth investing in and if this is a pattern at all in your life, seeking love from those who can’t offer the stability you need. Best of luck.
I’m really glad to find this blog talking directly about my current problem and i hope it does me good, We (the lady and i ) haven’t really been into dating but we have known affections for each other. But it turned out recently that i felt something isn’t right with us. I consulted her and she was like we are in a relationship of so much assumptions and that real issues are not addressed . I see this as a result of lacking intimacy in the relationship, but i don’t know how to fix this.
Hi Mintson, thanks for sharing. Well communication would be a good start! Have you sat down and talked about those assumptions versus real issues? And have you directly talked about the fact you want to be in a relationship, or are you assuming that she wants that to? It’s possible she wants to just stay friends and is afraid to say. If someone is not good at setting boundaries they can create all kinds of drama and problems to avoid telling the plain truth – they just want to be friends. So maybe start the discussion by being honest about your feelings and what you want and listing with patience to her side.
This is a problem that has been occurring a lot recently in my relationship. My boyfriend has started deciding that he knows what my next move will be therefore he has begun acting off of those assumptions rather than off of how I really feel. The other day I woke up to my baby crying and went to offer my boyfriend help in feeding him. Before I could even ask the question I was bombarded with an angry “I’m getting his bottle, of course hes gonna cry, maybe you should just go home if your not able to handle being woken up in the morning.” This assumption sent the whole day/week into a spiral. The worst part was he refused to apologize to me even though he’d been in the wrong. On top of that he would not give me our baby to breast feed and insisted on continuing to give him the formula out of stubbornness. We now have barely seen each other the whole week. Tonight is his night to pick up our little one and watch him. Again, I called him up and asked him what time he was getting off of work and about his day. When I asked what time, he refused to give me an answer, when I asked him why he said “If I tell you what time I’m getting off work you’ll want me to pick him up on my way home!” This was not the reason why I had asked him and even if it would have been I don’t see an issue either way. However, the reason it bothered me soo much is because I now have my boyfriend fighting with me over things he “assumes” I’m going to do. I have tried to reach out to him to talk about this but nothing seems to be getting through, hes not really an “emotions” kind of guy and every conversation I try to have just seems to make things worse. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks!
Hi Kelly, we can’t tell you what to do here based on one comment, as it seems pretty clear to us that there is a lot more going on here than what you are explaining. We don’t get to this point in relationships over just one casual comment. For that one bad morning to have triggered you so much, child involved or not, means that there is more going on, both in the relationship and in yourself. It also seems that you are seeking to blame him, which we do when we are angry, yes, but is not helpful in relationships. It does sound like you are having a lot of life stress, and we are sorry to hear that. But in relationships, responsibility is 50/50, even if we simply need to take responsibility for choosing the relationships we do. Statements like ‘he is in the wrong’ show some unhealthy expectations and communication. So we are not surprised, in all honesty, if he doesn’t want to talk, as he probably feels he will get blamed or yelled at instead of being listened to. In summary, the only person we can change or have control over in life is ourselves. We’d suggest you look at how this relationship got this way, and how your own ways of seeing things and reacting is part of it, and what you can do to open up the communication and do so in a way that is neutral and supportive over bound to create more conflict. Good luck.
My “partner” assumes too much of me. Just today, I felt ill waking up, he wanted to have sex, I didn’t want to speak because I felt nauseous, rested my hand on my head.
He said in a harsh tone, “Why are you resting your hand on your ear? You can just say no. Being silent makes you weak.”
Even though nearly every time I say no, he gets a little grumpy and I have said before that I dislike sex in the morning, due to medical reasons.
If he got me coffee, I would have said yes 😂
I can’t wait for this pandemic to end 😂
Emelia, sounds tough, and also sounds like communication issues between you…. and that this might be a lot of tensions from other things getting projected onto sex, which happens, as sex can feel a safer thing to fight/complain about than other things.
I am tired of all these assumptions being made towards me, I just feel like crying! My current boyfriend has it in is mind that I have been seeing my sisters partner. Continually calling me names, saying I am sly about everything I do. The problem is my son hears our arguments and this makes me feel bad.
My current boyfriend always reminds me that he has trust issues and that he doesn’t trust me and even in his previous relationships as he explained that his ex’s would cheat on him. Although I found out by a couple of his ex’s only cause we all have a child from this man that he was the one that had cheated on his ex’s.
I feel really alone at times when he makes these assumptions towards me which causes me to shut down and not want to speak to him, I don’t understand why someone says they love you and treat you the way they do.
I feel like a failure not only to myself but also to my son.
I feel that the only reason he makes these assumptions cause he feels that he has no control of anything and the only way he feels better about himself is to make up lies and assumptions to take back what he has lost.
Also my current partner always says that he is better of by himself as all he does is hurt people, That I don’t get either!!!!
To good to be true!
Hi Michelle, we see a lot of red flags here. This is not about assumptions this is much more serious, it’s about someone trying to control you. These sorts of accusations and lies are common control tactics. We recommend you read our article on coercive control http://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. And then we would say that you need to seek support. This is also about why you choose relationships that are not supportive or kind and then stay in them, and often this goes back to childhood and what we learned about love or things that happened to destroy our self esteem. Is there any way you could seek some counselling? If you are on a low budget we have an article on how to find free to low cost support http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
Thanks for a good article. I can see that I’ve been assuming in the greater part of my latest relationship. After my ex had an affair, I can now see that her abilities to express herself in regards to difficult situations, was not something she could do or, maybe not want. Trust, affection, intimacy and openness was never established again, and neither of us could relax, as my feelings of not being good enough created anxiety. Whenever she went out I would feel left out, or making assumptions about what was happening. I questioned myself.
As we weren’t able to communicate I started assuming things weren’t good, that something was wrong, that she didn’t like sex with me, she wanted something else. She would often say “stop, telling me what to say” when I felt I got stumped answers. I assumed I wasn’t good enough for her, and started living as she thought the same. In the end I’ll never know.
She left me with no explanation. She doesn’t want to talk about it. She never wanted therapy during the relationship. Now I’m left alone trying to figure out what’s wrong with me before I can move on. At least I know assuming kills others, relationships, intimacy and yourself. It’s really toxic.
Hi Adrian, assumptions truly are powerful things. We notice you suffer from anxiety in relating. You might find our article on anxious attachment interesting http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. We could be wrong, but it also feels as if you are seeking who to blame, you or her. Note that sometimes things don’t work. It’s not a question of whose fault it is. Something wasn’t working for her and she cheated. And it broke the trust for you and you couldn’t relax after. It all sounds understandable. Not everyone is made to be together. As for figuring out what is ‘wrong’ with you, we’d say don’t forget to figure out what is right with you. Self compassion raises self esteem. Self esteem helps us have healthy boundaries in relationships and to remember that the only place identity and worth come from is within, not from without and relationships. You might also find our guide to healthy relationships useful http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide. Life is a learning curve. You are doing your best, we can feel that strongly. Sometimes it can help if, instead of anxiously overanalysing everything trying to figure out and understand someone, we just accept they were doing their best, even if we can’t understand it. But that their best unfortunately didn’t work for us and we need to move on to what does. Best, HT.
Hello,
I have read the other comments so I am a bit embarrassed to admit I am the assumer in my relationship. I assume people are ready to leave me and forget me so I sometimes assume the worst and I guess to an extent “play victim”. My most recent “episode” I accused the man I have been seeing for over a year of just wanting me for my body. While I am capable (and I did) of admitting that my delivery was wrong I can not admit that my FEELINGS were wrong. It feels absolutely bat shit to revert back and say “OK THAT OUTBURST WAS WRONG”
because then it TO ME is feeling like I am saying my feelings were not valid in the moment. But to me in that moment they were very real. I dont want to be seen as wishy washy or crazy so I stick to my guns even if that means losing another person I care about. I might die alone if I continue this but maybe someone who is dealing with an “assumer” can be objective and see that I do not mean to push away and I am not looking for sympathy from my partner it is a genuine fight or flight response that kicks in and it is not an attack on YOU more like a really bad and broken defense mechanism that needs some maturing. I can recognize it in hindsight but in the moment, it is as real as me typing right now.
Hi Jessica, there is no need to be embarrassed, the article is written for those of us who assume, and at some point or other that is all of us. You are unique individual, and we can’t diagnose someone we don’t know, let alone over a comment. But we see more going on here than just assumptions. We see what is called ’emotional dysregulation’, the fancy word for outbursts where we go from 0 to 100, and you also mention that you assume people are ready to leave you and that is what triggers this dysregulation. We also sense that this is beyond your control, and the source of great shame for you. And means you beat yourself up and feel bereft and embarrassed and lonely. But what you really need deep down is to have your feelings recognised, because for you they are indeed very real. You also say things you regret when you are upset, and can’t control this. Does this all ring a bell? If so, you might want to look into what is called ‘borderline personality disorder’ or, more accurately, as there is nothing ‘borderline’ about it, ‘unstable personality disorder’. Use our search bar to read our articles on it, we published a case study last week you might find useful. And even if it’s just dysregulation or other things, these are therapies that would directly deal with your issues http://bit.ly/BPDtreatment. Final note, a ‘personality disorder’ sounds scary. Please note they are just labels, they don’t define who anyone is. And if any therapist treats you like a label, they are the wrong therapist. Best, HT.
I just ended it with my partner of 2 years as his continuous assumptions were draining me! He constantly accused me of cheating and of being shifty sly! I’m a bit of a reserved person with low self esteem and would shut down whenever he hurt me emotionally which was at least a few times a week! Lately he’d been really nasty and full of assumptions, I’d be on the phone to him and he’d accuse me of texting another man like wth I would never do that! He called me many nasty names after I told him it was over and said he knew I was cheating and that I’m white trash and he’ll come for me if he’s got an std! Well that’s impossible as he was the only man I’d been with in 10 years after being celibate for almost 8 years! My mind is just reeling! But thank you for this article it’s helped me understand his issues with assumptions as I always found it difficult and falling on deaf ears when I tried to defend myself and prove his assumptions were wrong! I believe he was cheating on me but hey that’s my assumption and I’m not going to dwell on it. I’ve slot of healing to do now as the trauma bond is real….
Hi there Sarah, this sounds les about just assumptions and more just about coercive control https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. Be proud of yourself for making the decision to walk away as this sort of controlling relationship can be hard to free ourselves from. You mention low self esteem, have you considered counselling? It would be a great place to get help with establishing a stronger sense of self as well as looking at what draws you toward this kind of partner in the first place. Best, HT.
Hi. I read this of hoping to understand things better. Something I just experienced was that when I asked my boyfriend something, he responded with he wasn’t thinking about it right now, I asked if it was cause he had a lot on his plate, he replied yes. Somehow I linked that to something being wrong with us and I asked him “is it because of work or is it because of us?” I thought it was a neutral, honest question but my boyfriend said that I had assumed something was wrong. I wanted to know what exactly is assuming and if what I said before was an assumption, what is a non assumption way of asking him for clarification. Would it have been better if I merely asked him “can you express to me what all is on your plate/mind?”
Hi Diana, we’d guess that this is not really about this exact interchange but more about a buildup in the relationship. For example, you aren’t saying what is was you asked him about, the thing he wasn’t thinking about. If it was a personal thing that he had already told you he didn’t want to talk about. So we don’t really have the full story. There is a sense you are not just looking or what an assumption is but who is right/wrong in this interchange, is that possible? Just to be clear, relationships are not about winning, they are about being in it together. We don’t think either of you are right/wrong, we’d say you are both in this relationship and there are communication and relationship issues. So that aside. As far as this exact exchange goes, yes, asking if it is one thing or another is an assumption. You are assuming it is one or the other and essentially trying to control the outcome by offering two possibilities while you simply are not in someone else’s head and don’t know the many reasons that are possible. The right question would be open ended. “What exactly is it that is worrying you?”. The other issue is that you asked a yes/no question to start, which again is a way to control outcome, you force the person into two choices. He said yes, he gave you a response, but then you continued. When we do this, ask yes/no questions, and the person responds, then you have backed yourself into a corner, as they gave you an answer. If you keep pushing for more info then you seem, well, pushy. So yes/no questions give you a feeling of control, but they backfire, as they shut conversations down. How and what questions are more appropriate. They are open and allow for a conversation instead of one person making the other person feel grilled by a drill sergeant. In summary, we sense possible control issues here, in the way you communicate, and even in the way that you are obsessing on this small exchange to find who is right/wrong. Is it possible this is how the adults around you communicated while you were growing up? Did you perchance have a controlling parent? How comfortable are you with not knowing how someone thinks/feels and letting people think/feel what they want without always taking it personally? We’d say that it would be helpful to learn about healthy relating and communicating. Use our search bar to find our article on ‘asking the right questions’ as well as our articles on communicating within relationships. Best, HT.
I’m having a problem with my girlfriend who I do want to marry, making assumptions and then just not believing me. It can be minor things and all these things just build up in her mind to where now our relationship is in trouble. I keep trying to reassure her there is no real problem but I can’t get thru. Now many things get filtered thru the assumptions. There is nothing I can do! She just says I’m playing the victim and is tired of me blaming her. She gets so frustrated and it hurts me so much. I know if we can get passed this, we will be fine. Are there some questions i can ask her so she can realize for herself that she is assuming? Please help.
Hi Jim, our question is more along the lines of, what is it about this relationship that is working and makes you think marriage is the right way forward? We are only getting one part of the story here, so there might be other really great components. But we certainly don’t think constantly being doubted and belittled is a great relationship and would be curious to see what in you thinks that is acceptable. Have you set strong boundaries with her? Made it clear you won’t accept being manipulated and bullied? Or have you fallen into walking on eggshells around her and telling yourself that is okay? Again, we are only getting one part of the story, perhaps the rest of the relationship is calm and there is trust. But we’d suggest you consider premarital counselling so you can look at what values this relationship is based on. In summary, you can’t do anything to change another person, that has to come from them. If she’s not willing to change it’s time to look at yourself, your own boundaries, levels of self-esteem, and what you actually want from life versus what you think you have to put up with. Best, HT.
Is it assuming when you remember what someone told you BEFORE in a conversation from the past and you say exactly what they said back then, only to be called an assumption maker
I lost my Fiance 8 yrs ago. Suddenly at 55 he died right in front of me. I started dating about 8 1/2 months ago. He is very backward, inexperienced, but helping ( I’m handicapped ) I am constantly feeling like he is talking to someone else, wandering if a girl is texting him when his phone beeps. I constantly freak out and assume the worst. When I feel that way I get sick to my stomach and my heart hurts and I fear the worst. I’m living miserably in my own self. And I can’t take it, and I fear he Won’t take it. I must get a hold of myself… Could this be related with losing someone that I adored ?
I have been with my boyfriend for almost ten years. I truly believe he has BPD because whenever he gets upset he swears and calls me names and then when I tell him that I am leaving because of his abusive words, he blocks the door so I won’t leave. I then threaten to call the police and he finally lets me leave. This has been happening for years! He always apologizes afterwards and feels really bad and says that he loses control. He also keeps making false assumptions and accusations. I’ve told him that it’s all in his head and I try to reason with him, but then he says that I’m twisting his words. I’ve asked him to get us couples counseling and he refuses. He constantly keeps telling me how I feel and think and he’s always wrong, but refuses to believe me. The only reason I am with him is because the sex is amazing! I was celibate for 14 years before him, so I think this is a factor.