Bitterness – Why It Is a Real Psychological Concern
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
The job you spent years waiting to be promoted into is given to a new employee. The partner you loved leaves you for another. Bitterness sets in.
There are endless reasons why you might be sure you deserve to spend the rest of your life bitter and resentful.
But is bitterness worth it? What are the effects of bitterness on psychological wellbeing? And why is it that some people become bitter from life experience and others don’t?
A bitterness definition from psychology
In psychology, the emotional reaction and mood of bitterness is referred to as ’embitterment’. It is an emotional state of feeling let down and unable to do anything about it.
Embitterment is different than anger because although it involves the same outrage it also involves feeling helpless to change things.
Bitterness- a psychological disorder?
Is bitterness serious? German professor and psychiatrist Michael Linden certainly thinks so. He was the first to propose that bitterness should be its own psychological disorder, calling it “post-traumatic embitterment disorder” (PTED).
Linden noticed that some people experience a life trauma such as the death of a loved one or serious illness and don’t develop the fear-based anxiety that leads to a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But they still suffer long-term negative psychological reactions. Linden felt the accepted use of an umbrella term ‘adjustment disorders’ was not taking this group of sufferers seriously and was too vague.
By: Gavin Stewart
He was particularly inspired to fight for a new diagnosis to be made available by what he observed in Germany post the fall of the Berlin wall.
There wasn’t a noticeable change in rates of reported mental disorders immediately following reunification of the country. But a decade later people were reporting severe psychological reactions to things that happened in their past. But these patients did not quite fit the diagnostic criteria for PTSD or regular depressive disorders.
What is ‘PTED’?
Linden proposes the following criteria for a diagnosis of PTED:
- a single exceptional life event triggers it
- the negative psychological state of the sufferer developed because of the event
- the emotions experienced are embitterment and feelings of injustice
- the sufferer repeatedly remembers the event
- there are no other diagnoses that match what the sufferer is experiencing
- it has been going on for at least 3 months.
Many of the symptoms of PTED are the same as PTSD. These include feelings of helplessness, blaming yourself, feeling edgy and aggressive, and sleep troubles. And also appetite change, reduced libido, lowered motivation, and phobias around revisiting places that remind you of the event.
The difference between post-traumatic embitterment disorder and post-traumatic shock disorder is that PTSD sets off constant panic reactions that leaves you on high alert. PTED does not cause this constant fear state but rather a state of fury and helplessness (embitterment).
Despite the research Linden has done, the agreement of others in the field, and the fact that PTED can be clinically distinguished from PTED? The term has yet to be officially recognised.
The long term effects of being bitter
As Linden’s research shows, bitterness can lead to long term psychological distress. It affects everything from your sleeping patterns, appetite, and sex drive. What other effects can bitterness have on your life?
By: BK
Changes personality and self-image.
Dwelling on what happened allows bitterness to become a permanent part of your character, leaving your self-image to slide from competent and purpose-driven person to that of helpless victim.
Elevates cynicism and paranoia.
Bitterness can make you so self-protective you view the entire world through a jaundiced eye, avoiding opportunities and relationships that could be fulfilling.
Bitterness stops the clock of your life.
Dwelling on what hurt you keeps you trapped in the past, prolonging your pain and preventing you from moving forward with your life. It also stops you from being in the present moment, blinding you to any good things going on right in front of you.
Wastes time and energy.
People who are bitter usually spend a fair amount of time replaying the event, retelling the event, and spinning out “if only that hadn’t happened” scenarios. And this takes time and energy, resources far more important than whatever was taken from you.
Affects relationships.
While it’s normal to go through a rough patch and support is what friends are for, when someone obsessively complains or rehashes the same event again and again, eventually, it becomes draining on others. Bitterness can drive people you care about away while attracting other bitter people into your life.
Why embitterment lingers
If bitterness causes so many problems, why do people cling to it?
We might claim our grudge and bitterness is only because of ‘fairness’ or ‘a sense of justice’, but there is usually a deeper psychological reason we hold onto something.
Bitterness can actually be something that gives someone a sense of purpose, even if it’s negative. In this way it can be a backwards way to boost low self-esteem and confidence, or shore up a weak sense of self-identity.
Bitterness is also a way to hide from a fear of life change or of failing. If something bad happened that you can be bitter about, you can use it as an excuse to not try other things.
And claiming that life would have been great, or you would have been very successful ‘if only that horrible event/person never happened’ is also a way to avoid taking responsibility for making your life go the way you want, or, indeed, for what happened.
Did you ignore warning signs and jump into an unwise relationship? Believe promises of someone pushing a bad investment or reckless mortgage? People who refuse to relinquish bitterness often know they had a hand in what happened. But they are overwhelmed by a sense of shame so great it keeps them from moving on.
When to seek support for feeling bitter
Bitterness can drive away the friends and family we once relied on, and can leave you unable to see yourself clearly. If your bitterness is affecting your daily life, relationships, and career? Or if you feel reading the diagnosis list above for PTED you match the symptoms? It’s a good idea to seek the help of a counsellor or therapist. They can help you get clear on when your bitterness began, and if there are further psychological issues at hand like anxiety and depression.
Did you get over your bitterness? Share your story below, we love hearing from you.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health advocate the editor and lead writer of the site. She left a successful career as a screenwriter to do what felt her calling, work in personal development, and hasn’t looked back. Also find her on Instagram @am_darcy
How do you let go of bitterness. I’m so bitter, I’ve got no friends I’m hated by people, they run the other way and I dislike people also. I like to see others worse off than me. I’m spiteful and just think of myself. I know I’m a horrible person and I try to change but I don’t know how.
We don’t think you are a horrible person for feeling and stating all that. Not at all. We think you are a sad person. A person who is so sad they hide it all behind being angry at another person. That’s all. It’s actually normal when you are born sensitive and emotional and experience something traumatic that scares you. You build a wall. Behind the wall you exist and wait. So now what next? You are not someone who thinks of themselves only, or you would not be googling and finding our site in order to question what else there is. We do hope you believe you are worth enough to make a few more steps. Is there anyone you can talk to? Are you able to seek support somehow? It’s hard to change if we are trapped by our own incorrect thoughts, and can be helpful to have someone else to talk to, who can hold up a different mirror for us to see a different side of ourselves and learn what negative thoughts are just thoughts and what ones we should pay heed to. If you are really terrified of the idea of therapy, consider CBT, which doesn’t delve into your past and is short-term so can be a good entry point. The change might be faster than you think.
I was married for 15 years and my husband divorced me and left me with our two young children to be with another woman. I was single for 10 years and then found the man of dreams; my boss. We moved in together and dreamed of converting a barn in the countryside. We searched for land and delved into everything there was to know about building your own home. He was exciting and forward thinking, I adored him and loved him with my entire soul. After a few years we realised we would not be able to afford the barn conversion and I was disappointed. 4 years later he left me saying he hated my children, regretted it and asked to return saying he loved me and I let him back. 3 years later he left he again, then literally begged to come back, said he cannot live without me, asked me to marry him and I agreed and he moved back in for a second time. I told everyone we were getting married. 6 months later he left me for the third time as he had been having an affair with a young girl at work for the previous two years. I lost my beautiful home because although I owned half of it out right I could not afford to take a mortgage on the other half because I am too old (54). I had to downsize and had to sell all my beautiful furniture too. I hate what he did but I still love him. He is still my boss. I lost my man, my home, and although he said I should leave the office I refused as I did not want to lose my job too. He has been helping decorate my new home which is very kind of him as we are still friends but now he has bought some land and is converting a barn and living the dream we were supposed to have together. I cant get over this. He says he can imagine i would be as excited as him about the plans for the build and the location etc and keeps showing me drawings etc. I love this man with all my heart, I see him every day getting on with his life. I feel destroyed. My life is in limbo. I cannot move on. I am sick with bitterness.
What a difficult situation, especially to still have to work together and to lose your lovely home. There is a sense you feel trapped here, like you have to accept and ‘bear with’ situations that don’t allow you to feel free, respected or loved. And there is definitely a pattern, as seen in the way they both were dishonest and had affairs. When patterns repeat in this way, it’s often connected to childhood experiences that gave us certain core beliefs and perspectives. It’s definitely something worth exploring with a counsellor if you felt brave enough. At the very least seeking support would help you perhaps find ways to set boundaries that give you more breathing space and help you move on.
My experience is perhaps far less terrible compared to many others’ but still I am consciously aware that bitterness is eating my life away. Put the story simple, I got kicked out by the company I helped to start from the scratch. Now the company is on the way to success but I am out. I am not that young any more and dont want to waste more time on trivals. However, I have all the symptoms of bitterness (including telling the story and imaginary revenge) that I really dont want to linger on but I dont know how to shake it out.
Thank you for sharing, Meg. For starters, how awful. Who wouldn’t feel frustrated, angry, and bitter? It’s normal to have feelings like that and such a big disappointment can take some time to get over. But as you said, if it’s eating at your life and ruining everything for you, then that’s not so normal anymore. And it’s possible the experience has triggered old feelings from other experiences that went wrong in the past, or exacerbated other insecurities. Have you considered a few sessions with a counsellor or coach? People attend therapy for far less, so don’t feel it’s not ‘a big enough deal’, it really is! You might want to consider a short-term therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) comes to mind. In the mean time, go gentle on yourself. Hope that helps.
In the article it says “you know what part you played” i can honestly say i dont. I was happier than i had ever been then i woke up & he was just gone. its been a year, im more hurt with each day. at first i did not care i was drinking the pain away then partying with friends social media whatever i distracted myself best i could but some where along the way i realized i was hiding from my feelings so now im crying myself to sleep ever night binge eating not even going to know & im a known workacoholic i just want him back & idk why because i know if we got back together i’d eventually leave him. its like i cant be happy & im just insane
Hi Rae, this sort of big reaction, taking a year out of your life, hiding behind alcohol etc, binge eating, happens when deep issues are inside of us are triggered. It can be abandonment issues, low self-esteem, all sorts. But it’s things that come from a childhood where we didn’t get the love and support we needed. So we grow up into adults who base our sense of self worth on the people we try to love. Until we take the time to dig deep and find the true issues, the pattern tends to continue. The next perfect guy comes along, we are top of the world, thinking we are saved from ourselves, then the next crash comes. The only way out is going within, not chasing him. Reach out for support. You deserve it, and you deserve a relationship where you can feel secure and loved. We wish you courage.
Im suffering all sorts of terrible emotions
and bitterness is now eating away my will to live. I feel like i was born to lose. For every good thing that happens i am being punished with bad luck ten folds. I was brutally blindsided with a break up in the midst of househunting and baby attempts. Im in my mid 30s. My trust issues has sky rocketed. I am living in hell, while he has met someone new and is seemingly happy and unaffected by the fact that he ruined my life. I used to be this fun loving Cool girl, but every ounc of confidence has been stripped away. I am tortured by thoughts of him and her, and by the unfairness of my life events. I cant stand my happy siblings with their perfect life, nor my friends. I feel robbed of happiness. I feel shameful and angry. I hate being the underdog and the victim. I used to be a fighter a strong person. Now eveything feels hopeless and pointless. Worst is he is a musician Constantly played at the radio and posters and events with him turns up everywhere. I cant get rid of him. I gave him everything. Supported him in every way. And this is How he treated me. How come being so heartless and cold gets no consequences for him?
We are sorry to hear you are suffering so much. What we are hearing is is a lot of cognitive distortions, thoughts that are not really reality based although we’ve convinced ourselves they are http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. Your mind is just controlling you with black and white, dramatic, doomsday thinking. And here’s the thing – you are not your thoughts. No matter how negative, wild, and angry your thoughts are, they are just thoughts. And you are not a terrible person for having bad thoughts. You are a person in a lot of emotional pain, that’s all. And there is a high chance that this relates to childhood, not just this relationship. This level of negative core beliefs tend to come from messages we took on board about ourselves, others and the world when we were growing up. Finally, you are heavily trapped in the victim mentality. When we blame others for everything it can feel temporarily good, but if nothing is our fault, we also throw out our power to change things. Only when we take responsibility for what has happened can we step into our power and make change. In summary, there’s a lot going on here, much too much to navigate alone. Would you be willing to try a short-term therapy? Cognitive behavioural therapy focuses on helping your recognise and gain control over negative thinking. We think it would be a great starting point to help you regain some balance and self-esteem. From there you can decide if a longer therapy looking at how all these negative core beliefs formed might be useful. You might also want to look into compassion-based therapy, which helps you be kinder to yourself, and by extension others. We wish you luck!
I have been bitter before I even knew what bitterness did. I am a petite individual who wore glasses since the age of 3. This intrigued my fellow classmates and confused the hell out of me. They played with me like I was a living dolly picking me up burping me cradling me. They slid two kiddie chairs together and I was able to lie fully extended. But they soon grew bored with playing dolly and started complaining to the teacher that I was hanging on them too much. I was told to leave all the kids who did this to me alone…I cried because I was 3 and very hurt. I was a little more advanced with my developmental skills at that time and my mother told me they were just jealous ignore them. I wanted friends how could I ignore people insulting me with “4eyes” weirdo shorty ugly all visceral to my ears and this continued till we moved. Only to find out that this torture would continue into my puberty or lack there of. Boys didn’t talk to me for fear of the girls who did have curves would reject them. So I had some neighborhood friends who I played with and they were happy to keep company with me as long as I gave them stuff. Then after puberty progressed my friends literally told me that they didn’t want to hang around with me out in public because they can’t attract the older boys when I was around ….I by this time have had it with humans…and less I spoke the better….well I carried my distrust of humans into my adult years fast forward to I am now 30ish and a couple of coworkers kept messing with my work tools so I left a nicely worded note asking people to respect my property and that these things are used by me for a purpose with please as nd thankyou and smiley face. Didnt work they continued and I get moved and blamed for the drama. Ten years later I found out who thought messing with me was funny and it hurt to hear it just as bad as it was to go through it. I am admired by management because I work hard and make few if any mistakes I assumed people were just intimidated because I am still tiny but do the job easily….sure I had to adapt because of my size but it was always taken like I’m a show off. And management never really investigated or reprimanded anyone for how they messed with me. HR kept telling me that I am responsible not the person or persons who were poking me. Because of my bitterness I take on challenges head on I don’t take the slights in stride and I no longer fear confrontation I hate this personality I don’t feel like I owe anybody anything and I refuse to fake forgiveness can’t do it just can’t I require justice.
Andrea, this sounds really hard. Most of all as it seems to be like a cloud of fury hanging over your whole life, which must be tremendously lonely. Have you ever tried counselling? We think it would tremendously helpful here. These issues, as you point out, go right back to childhood. So they have deep roots. When things are that deeply rooted, and when our entire life is affected by our feelings, then we need support. A counsellor would create a safe, non-judgmental space for you to actually try and be that person under the ‘personality’ you feel forced to take on. We hope you give it some consideration, as you deserve some happiness in your life.
I have been bitter for the majority of my life,
I feel like I’ve suffered a degree of arrested development due to a series of traumatic events. My parents broke up when I was 4 and my father forced me to live with him and his new girlfriend (who hated me) and kept me away from my mom. He would get angry with me because I didn’t like living with him, he would sell drugs and There were always drunk people in the house getting into fights. A few years later he was caught molesting his girlfriend’s 11 year old daughter and put in prison. The courts gave custody of me to my mom (but no therapy as I was somehow not a victim of what had happened) and I moved in with her, he retained visitation rights when he would get out of prison 3 years later. However, the shame of my fathers crime ruined what little family I had and I barely have any contact, even now. Shortly after I moved in our house caught fire and destroyed all our her valuables and killed our pets, we moved to a low income housing project nearby. We grew up in extremely small town where everyone knew each other (1 streetlight small) and once word got out about what my dad was in prison for I would get into fights everyday at school just for being there, I wasn’t a violent kid but I would always have to defend myself often against groups of people. Everyone took their rage out on me for what he did and no one seemed to understand that I was also hurt and betrayed by him. Once I made it to high school it was impossible for me to start dating like a normal kid, everyone knew about my dad and wouldn’t let me forget it. Girls would keep their distance from me for fear of a bad reputation.
I eventually graduated from school and got a job from a nearby restaurant where I miraculously got a girlfriend that I dated for 5 years, I got a better job as a plumbing apprentice and things were looking better than I could have hoped for as a kid. She even became pregnant and we started planning our future together as parents. I started to plan a proposal and was very optimistic about the future.
Shortly afterwards our country had a massive recession and the company I worked for laid off myself and nearly every employee. I was able to get a job as a cook and another as a landscaper but not before money became tight.
One day I returned home from work to be told by my girlfriend that she was no longer pregnant, she was leaving me and she had an abortion without even letting me know until the procedure had already been carried out. Very Shortly afterwards she married a well off man and was pregnant within the same year she left. The next year I aggressively started balding, even though I’ve never seen a bald person in the family I somehow inherited the gene.
That was 10 years ago now and it was also my final straw. Since then I cannot start meaningful relationships and I am plagued by resentment towards her heartless callousness , my fathers selfishness and the complete failure of society to mitigate any damage or provide me any therapy. I’ve become a complete workaholic. I also have a hard time taking any pleasure in joys and hobbies I used to have before this all happened and feel robbed of a decade of the prime years of my life.
I am now in my mid thirties and time has not healed any wounds. I’ve lost hope that the family I wanted to start will become a reality since I don’t know any single people and more importantly, I’m too embittered by my life’s experiences. Try as I might, I can’t just forget about the past. Even though I know it’s ruining my future.
Hi Aaron. What we’d ask is, do you actually, deeply, truly……WANT to be someone who lets this go? Or have you formed your identity around ‘the victim of terrible circumstances’ for so long, that part of you is not actually willing to let go of that? It might sound silly, but the truth is that when we have so much trauma in life we can take a sort of power from the fact that everyone did us wrong and now we have a right to be furious and bitter. And we can be so used to being ‘the person who was wronged by life’ that deep down, we don’t really know who we are beyond that. Our comfort zone is rage. Our identity is ‘that different person who experienced so much trauma nobody else could ever understand, ever.” And because of this, without realising it, we make choices again and again that prove this belief. That we deserve trauma, that we are a victim. We choose relationships with people who are not reliable, for example, even if a tiny voice inside knows it. But the thing is, if we hold on like this, if we stay completely devoted to being a victim, even, as you admit, for a whole ten years after the fact… that then we are doing OURSELVES wrong. We are continuing the pattern to OURSELVES. We are essentially doing what everyone else did, and don’t even realise it. Are you willing to finally be the one who DOESN’T neglect and abandon and abuse and betray yourself? Who doesn’t condemn your own self to loneliness and rage? It’s a big, brave ask. It will involve letting go of a lot. In fact it will be terrifying in moments. Often it means letting go of rage and facing the sea of sadness that the rage is hiding. But it’s the only way to realise that you actually have power and choice. You are no longer that child trapped in horrible circumstances. You are choosing everything in your life, and you can choose differently. But only if you want to. Something to think about.
I love my boyfriend very much but I keep taking out my bitterness on him even though he caused some of it. Being constantly disappointed by him angers me. I want him to do what is promised! Do it without me worrying or asking! Each day if I don’t start an argument I don’t feel accomplished. I am a silent girl, I hardly talk so I don’t make a lot of friends who would remember me. I’m always the joker that brightens the day or mood of someone. But at home I’m bitter. I don’t let go! I keep it in! then I vent. I wasn’t raised by my parents, I was raised by my aunt and argumentative husband that never thinks the best of me, who sexually molests me. I just want to be happy! I want to love and trust my boyfriend even my family. I want to let go! PLEASE HELP ME! I KEEP PUSHING HIM AWAY! We are on and off because of my bitterness, sometimes even by him. Yesterday we had an argument and he said all. I feel like a monster.
Hi Jenny, there is a lot going on here. It’s not going to be sorted out in a comment box. You have obviously not had the most stable of childhoods. If we didn’t have a consistent loving caregiver we could trust, we end up with anxious attachment, meaning trying to love makes us really anxious and we push pull. You can read about it here http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. And even though you drop it casually in, that your aunt’s husband molests you, if you are serious, that is very very serious and can be causing you to ‘act out’ around others and have seething inner rage. Why wouldn’t you be angry if you were constantly being violated? In summary, is there anyone you can talk to about all this? A school counsellor? An adult you trust? Is there anyway your aunt would help if you said you’d like to see a therapist?
My bitterness is about my health problems: the ones that are not mysterious are nontreatable, or else tje treatment isn’t covered by my poverty health benefit (I live in the US). It’s not about a single event, every dr visit is another reinforcement of the bitterness. We have very little safety net in this country; I am constantly in fear of my utilities being shut off or my 8yo and I being evicted for nonpayment.
Hi Peggy, we are sorry to hear this. It is a very difficult situation for many, the American health system. Hope the article helps you with seeing that bitterness is one thing, who you are is something else. Best, HT
I am married for 21 yrs and have a son of 19 yrs old. First time I got to know about my husband’s attraction when my son was very small. I couldn’t leave as I didn’t had any financial, moral support. Above all I was very worried about my son’s psychological state. I decided to stay but told him to leave her. She got married. Than again after years I got to know another affair and it was very devastating. I couldn’t handle it went into depression with sucidial thoughts but controlled myself. This time also my son was at crucial stage of his career making. He requested me to stay back told my husband that leave all this. He promised but never left her which I again got to know. This time it was like not any more. But now no one trust me as he denied and now my son also says it’s baseless. Now I am 49 yrs old, no financial help. Unable to handle filled with bitterness. Want to come out but unable to.. pl help. I used to be so chirpy enthusiastic person but now don’t have that zeal. Seems like everything is finished. Still struggling to stand up but not finding energy to push myself.
Hi Poonam, sounds tough. We aren’t sure what country you are in so we don’t know if you have access to social services or not. Staying for the kids is not actually always the best decision, we say that in case other readers are listening, more often we use this as an excuse as we are afraid to be alone and independent or suffer from codependency or have such low esteem we don’t think we can ‘survive’ without someone to rely on. If you are in UK/USA/Canada/France etc, you can access social services while you get on your feet. In your case, we will assume you are not in a country that has this kind of support, and you truly didn’t have a financial choice? So you had to stay. What it sounds like is you have built your identity around husband/son and lost any sense of ‘you’ outside of this. A husband and son who don’t at all respect you by the sounds of it. So we’d say, work at trying to get to know yourself now. What do you actually like? What are your personal values, yours, not those you were ‘taught’ to have? What hobby would you like to try? Is there some sort of social group you are nervous to join you could gather up your courage and try? This article might help https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm. 49 is still young. We have clients who finally start figuring out who they are in their sixties. And then look at how you may not be respecting yourself. What little things do you do to diminish yourself and put yourself down? How might you be encouraging others to think you don’t deserve respect? How could you start to treat yourself with more respect and care? The more we care about ourselves, the more we do little things to show respect, the more we give others a clear message it’s not ok to disrespect us. If by chance you are in a country that has such options, we’d say see if you can find free or low cost counselling, as it would be very helpful if someone could guide you through all this. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
As someone on the autism spectrum, my extreme bitterness and severe depression stems from not being able to get help for my developmental disability because of my mental health needs having been ignored throughout my entire life. Today I find myself suffering from crippling anxiety and being overcome with agitation because of having been constantly subjected to endless psychological abuse and exposed to psychological trauma – without any means of escape from this toxic family unit. All I ever seem to do is get snapped at constantly for every single thing in life when I am already struggling with daily tasks and everything else in life, and I just wish the snapping and psychological abuse would stop. My ongoing unpleasant situation seems to have only worsened even more since being moved to America. The whole time I’ve been stuck in America I haven’t been able to gain any access to any of the autism therapy and treatment centres out here because of limitations and restrictions in this hopeless country. For years I have been trying to fight for my green card and green papers, because they are the very important things I need in order to gain access to the required special needs facilities and mental health services and start getting all the needed professional help for my mental health issues. For me to be denied my green card and papers just seems so cruel. Being kept here against my will seems even more cruel. I didn’t want to move to America in the first place; my parents dragged me out to this strange country to study, even though I didn’t want to be made to study abroad; I shouldn’t have been forced into it either. It should have occurred to them that I wouldn’t be able to cope with being thrust into dangerous and complex surroundings, that I would find this environment to not be safe or ideal because of sensory issues getting in the way and because of my vulnerability. For years all I’ve ever been able to think about is wanting to leave America and move back to Britain permanently in order to get out of this situation and get away from certain toxic people, because all I have ever done is find myself being moved from one rented household to another and there always seems to be built up tension in my family. I don’t want to continue being stuck in this vicious cycle; what I want is to be settled down properly in a special needs accommodation within a safe autism-friendly environment set up specifically for my own safety. Every single day that goes by I find myself wanting to be at the National Autistic Society and find myself thinking about the autism therapy programmes being held over there that I should be attending and making use of, because that is where I feel that I should be today. I have also been wanting to learn how to drive and take public transport – one of the many experiences I have already missed out on – I haven’t been able to do any of those things. I keep telling my family that I’m not happy where I am today, letting them know that since being brought over to America I’ve been extremely unhappy for a long time; I haven’t benefitted in any way by having to hide inside my bedroom and take refuge from the negative energy whilst being made to remain in a toxic household within a toxic environment, because of how much it has affected my mental health and psychological wellbeing. By being stuck in the same situation for several years and unable to move forward or make any progress in life, I am not benefitting at all. Yet my unhappiness doesn’t seem to mean anything at all to any of my family members. Every single time I mention to them about wanting to leave America and move back to Britain because of the many negative experiences I have had living abroad, all they seem to do is discourage me even further by only telling me the negative side of Britain and how Britain is not the same since I was taken out of it – even though they’re fully aware of the fact that America is not an ideal country for the vulnerable or for those with mental health issues. Would they rather I continued being exposed to constant arguing and negative energy and psychological trauma because of family problems?! Would they rather I continued being restricted to hiding inside my bedroom where I don’t even want to be at the moment?! Would they rather I continued slamming my head against the wall and hitting myself in the head in frustration because of there not being a way out?! I’ve been too busy trying not to go crazy or lose my entire sanity whilst counting down the years and asking when will my daily struggles finally be over. Because I already ended up destroying those special needs charity books I brought all the way from England – many of them from those Fenland organisations and the March Cambridgeshire library – venting my frustration on them by scribbling inside them. The clothes I also got from England I ended up ripping to shreds. This was all because of because of not being able to get any of the needed professional help I have been cruelly deprived of. And also whenever I think about my fellow special needs peers back over in Britain there are too many times when I feel like lashing out at them and their families as means of letting the people back in Britain know just how unhappy and severely depressed I am and have been for a long time. even when I get back to Britain and start at the National Autistic Society I am still not going to be mentally free, because I will end up having to see a mental health therapist and will also end up checking into a mental health clinic or psychiatric ward.
This is a really long share and doesn’t even have a single positive detail but a mono focus on all that is wrong and how everyone has wronged you. Life is never this black and white. Yes, it is part of autism to see things as black and white. But if you received support when you were here, assuming you had a professional diagnosis and are not self diagnosed, you would know that this is not a clear representation of reality. Did you receive a professional diagnosis?
I just hope I don’t become severely mentally damaged one day to the point where I will end up having to be sectioned and have Mental Health pin me down like a mad person, because years of being trapped in a toxic household filled with tension and negative energy has already caused me to start suffering from severe depression!! I also struggle with severe anxiety and other accompanying mental health issues that will need addressing by mental health staff in the future, because I find myself wondering how long I will continue being subjected to psychological abuse and exposed to psychological trauma!! How long will I continue treading on eggshells before I am finally able to move out of the household and into a safe special needs accommodation set up for Autistics, and how long will I be made to live in the type of unsuitable environment that is only triggering
my mental health issues and causing me to go completely fucking crazy?!?! Because even when I will no longer have to live with any toxic family members, I won’t be able to have any relationship with anybody outside of this household; and when I start at the National Autistic Society and start visiting mental health forums, people will have to be asking if I’m okay – which I’m not!! I want people to know that I’m not okay and that it’s not just severe depression I’m suffering from!!
You say you can’t have any relationship with anyone outside of your household even if you move out. To let you know that people with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder are still able to have relationships even if they relate differently. If you have an official diagnosis and are on waiting lists for assisted living, any additional delay would likely be due to the situation with Corona virus. But in the meantime is there a reason you have not been offered therapy? You don’t have to wait for that, and you can also talk to your GP to get a referral.
At the age of 16, I ALWAYS gave birthday cards and gifts to ALL of my older siblings spouses. Years later when I married, NONE of them ever asked about my Husbands birthday. Now At 58, I woke up one day to realize I was mailing cards and money to 15 nieces, nephews, to NEVER get a thank you or a reply from them. (my side of the family). At the same time, adult family members were no longer “up” for coming over for the holiday meals I had hosted for 10 years (on my Husband’s side of the family). Neither of us could think of anything we had “done”, just everyone was growing in different directions and what I did was important to me, but not them. Never heard from any of them again. FAMILY! I can’t stop being bitter. I have a successful life, supportive friends and Husband, but I am still Furious that both families just didn’t care
Hi T, it’s tough when we feel family doesn’t care, or when they really don’t. Especially when the media feeds us the concept that a ‘normal’ family is all connected and caring. But a majority of modern Occidental families simply aren’t. Perhaps it’s the busy modern lives we’ve created, but as you say, we can just grow in different directions, and there is no societal pressure to stick it out if we decide we don’t like the family we were born into. And we can also have different ideas of what family is, for some people they feel loved and connected only seeing each other once a year, others need more, and if we don’t get clear on this bitterness can grow and eventually we can break away. You say you ‘never heard from them again’ but don’t explain how it all ended. Did you say or do something out of the blue to let everyone know you weren’t satisfied? Sometimes if we hold onto annoyance for a long time, and always pretend we are fine or happy, when we do let our feelings fly it can drive others away as we’ve given them the idea things were okay, and then suddenly do an about turn. If you aren’t happy with the outcome, and still feel angry, if it’s something that hangs over your life, then seems there is a lot to explore there. How far back does this anger go? Is it really just about the cards/money/dinners, or is it deeper than that? Often there is a family dynamic beneath the thing we want to believe is the problem that we need to resolve for ourselves so we can truly move on. We aren’t saying you have to contact them, but if it’s enough of an issue for you that you are researching bitterness, we’d say it’s something to explore for yourself and your own wellbeing. We’d say there is more than enough going on here to merit counselling, but yes, we would say that ;). Best, HT.
I feel like physically hurting myself and will start doing so after I move out of this household and into an autism accommodation because of how severely depressed and mentally damaged I have become. My parents don’t seem to be aware of the psychological damage that has been done to me by continuing to be exposed to their negative energy today. They see me struggling with tasks such as in the kitchen because of not being able to be fully aware of my surroundings or get things done quickly; that doesn’t mean they should come across as aggressive towards me. It doesn’t mean they should find fault in every single thing I struggle with and then snap at me for every single issue. I shouldn’t be made to live in the type of toxic environment that is not suitable for someone on the autism spectrum because of the negative effect it has had on my mental health and psychological well-being. When I finally get out of this household – I keep asking WHEN that will happen – I will end up having to check into a mental health clinic and will have to start seeing a mental health therapist!! The mental health staff and medical care nurses will end up having to section me, because I find myself needing to be in therapy. In a few years time when I am in a residential mental health facility I will end up looking back with even more bitterness and will become even more severely depressed. I won’t be able to cope with life.
Hi there, you’ve left comments under different emails over the last few months, it sounds like you are very angry and upset and have nobody to talk to and your mind is caught in a loop you can’t escape alone. Which must be really tough. We’d highly suggest you reach out for real help, and a person you can actually talk to who can give you proper support and help you move forward. Google for a mental health charity in your area of a help line or use our article on low cost and free therapy to find therapy if you can’t access it otherwise http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
I was beat by my step father from a young age, when I went to middle school I was beat up for having white skin on an almost daily bases, I was left with nothing. I was sent home because they ripped my clothes off me. I had to drop out of school because the bullying. I was the only blonde white kid at the school.. I was forced to watch while my art, my only form of expression was all torn up in front of me.. every page. There’s alot alot more . Alot more.
I can never forgive them. Anyone. I hate them so intensely I cannot live a normal life. I cannot be nice to people . I even am mean to children. Everyday is agonizing. I go from being ok to wanting to end everything. I go from smiling to yelling at anyone .
Hi Kaylee, yes, this is the problem with hate, the person who ends up suffering the most is us. Often deep, deep down we also hate ourselves and blame ourselves. In summary, this is a lot of trauma. And a lot of pain for a person to try to navigate alone. You really need to gather up all your courage and reach out for support. The journey from rage to acceptance and calm and being able to live and thrive instead of just survive is a long one, we aren’t going to sugar coat anything. You will need to really want to take this journey, and commit to the ups and downs. But it is possible to one day feel like you instead of all this fury, it truly is. And along the way we can discover gifts we never knew we had. That somehow the person we are is unique, and has positive things to give. What is important here is to try to get the right support. Read our article on therapies that work for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma as well as on how to find low cost counselling, if you are on a budget http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. The other thing about pain and suffering is that it lies to us. It tells us we are alone with our suffering that nobody in the whole world can understand. It can help a great deal to realise this simply isn’t true. This might be seeking a support group of those who survived child abuse, or reading biographies of great people who rose up from traumatic childhoods, or online support groups. We wish you courage. Best, HT.
I have no desire to let go of my bitterness. In fact, I’ve earned it. The final straw was when 2 long term friends deserted me when my mother broke her hip. I intend to be a cynical, hateful bitch the rest of my life.
Hi there. Well, it’s your life, and how it turns out is largely up to you. But it is curious that you are here googling about bitterness. So it seems you might have a very strong front to hide what you actually feel and think, which can certainly create difficulties within relationships. Note that this is exactly the sort of thing you can work on with a therapist, the sort of thing we can unlearn and replace with healthier behaviours and ways of being that leave us feeling better about ourselves instead of terrifyingly lonely and full of sadness and rage. Best, HT.
I see myself developing very severe mental health issues later on in life, I see myself having to spend the rest of my life in a mental hospital after having been sectioned. In fact I see myself dying by eventual suicide, I am already considering ending it all in the near future and in the most brutal way possible, because I will end up losing my battle with severe depression one day. I am unhappy with my situation which I have been stuck in for far too long, I am trying to forget about where I am now and focus on where I want to be in the future, which is in a residential mental health care facility with access to special needs resources and therapy and treatment programmes, what I want is to be in the special needs care of mental health professionals and have a mental health team and group of special needs support workers as the only people in my life, but at the moment I don’t see any hope for the future or any point in life. At times I don’t want to continue living, that is why I prefer to focus only on those who have died unexpectedly, what I want is to be amongst those people one day. Even after I eventually move back to Britain in ten to fifteen years time I will still end up having brutal thoughts of suicide, because I will end up looking back on this time with bitterness and resentment. My parents thought they were giving me a better life by moving the family to America, but in reality they have failed me. I have been in America for fourteen years, I haven’t been able to get the professional help I need, when my fellow special needs peers over in Britain are all living their lives and just getting on with life. Even today I am STILL restricted to this same toxic household within a toxic environment, even though I shouldn’t be living in the type of unsuitable household that is not autism-friendly. I am always treading on eggshells around my parents ESPECIALLY my dad whenever I do things in an autistic manner because of struggling with things other people take for granted. For several years since having entered America all the way back in 2008, I have found myself going on and on about wanting to apply for my green card because of wanting to get out of this household and out of this situation and move into a special needs autism-friendly accommodation, my parents get angry at me every single time and then tell me not to stress them. This has caused me to start lashing out on mental health forums and raising mental health concerns. Am I going to be made to carry on like this for the rest of my life until I end up going crazy?!?! I find everyday life to be unbearable and unpleasant, I have nothing to live for or look forward to.
Hi there, we can’t publish your other comments as like you said they are lashing out and they break our rules for acceptable content. We do not accept comments naming and attacking other individuals, for example. We do fully understand these are comments sent when you are in a rage and are not who you are, and that who you are is probably very different. You sound an intelligent person. So how old are you? Having a manageable form of autism (your comments all seem to present a manageable form over severe autism but we are only going by your comments) but being high IQ doesn’t generally stop people from moving out of their parent’s house and being independent or claiming welfare. Many people with autism work and support themselves. We also don’t understand why you don’t have a green card as how can you stay in the USA that long if you are British if you don’t have one? We are confused as to your situation, so we can’t really comment on any of that. We do sense as you say the real issue might not be just the autism but severe depression with borderline traits, and possibly obsession, as you’ve mentioned this certain woman you attack in your comments many times. Do you have a professional diagnosis of autism from a psychiatrist? Did they also test you for borderline personality disorder? Sometimes one can be misdiagnosed for the other or both are present. We truly do not know you and we would never diagnose someone based on a stream of comments, but just as there are certainly many borderline traits in your comments, such as threats towards others, uncontrollable rage, desire to self harm, black and white thinking, etc. So in summary yes, we feel that it would be great if you could get help. There is help in America as well, many mental health charities for example who wouldn’t care if you did or did not have a green card. We understand you have a certain idea of what help will look like and that it must be in the UK but we’d suggest looking at whatever help is available right now where you actually are. Depression and suicidal thinking are not things to just put aside for some future assistance they are things to seek help for as soon as possible. Best, HT.
I’m a gay man in my 60s. I’m an artist, a former social worker and currently a gardener. I’m economically self-sufficient but far from wealthy. I’ve lived in San Francisco for thirty years. Possibly because my parents argued a lot and communicated poorly with me and each other, I never wanted to have a traditional “married’ type of relationship. I thought that building a network of friends who become “chosen family” would be better. I now see that I’ve too often chosen poorly on who to trust. I’ve been too much of a “people pleaser”. Three years ago, I fortunately survived cancer. It damaged my back and I’m on Social Security, but I can still landscape part time. After my cancer, I also became more assertive and learned to say “no”. The members of my local former “chosen family” rejected me, usually suddenly, cruelly and completely. I no longer trust my ability to choose reliable friends. I also wonder if I’m as shallow as these people who I mistook for committed friends for decades turned out to be. My world is shaken and I see myself withdrawing and becoming bitter. I want to find a better way. I feel trapped and foolish.
Hi Jim, sounds a tough time for you. There’s a lot going on here and we don’t know you, so we can’t really say too much as that is not fair on you and that would be unprofessional, would be far better to work this out with someone who could get to know you. But what we can say, is that from an outsider perspective, also sounds like a time of massive growth. Growth can feel very uncomfortable. It can leave us a mess. You talk about gardening. You know when you decide to redo a garden? And you basically dig the entire thing up, rescued plants to one side in a pile waiting to be replanted, pile of rocks to be potentially reused… dirt everywhere… the point being, it looks a disaster zone. At some point we can think ‘what was I thinking this is a disaster it will never come together’. We can think we are stupid, we made a mistake. But ultimately if we keep going the higher chance is that it will be pieced back together as a garden we are happier to be in. Okay, maybe a clumsy metaphor, but you get our point. Mess is inevitable when we are growing. And the problem is we use our new perspective to judge who we were before. But who we are now does not have the same needs as who we were then. Perhaps that you needed what he had then, even needed to be what the new you calls ‘shallow’. There is no perfect human, we all have different needs and desires at different times, it doesn’t make us a ‘bad’ person, it just makes us human. Finally, people pleasing can leave us with an emotional backlog. Bitterness can be an emotion that we feel if we are still repressing those emotions. For example, if we are holding back anger. Sometimes finding a healthy outlet for anger and rage, or whatever other emotion is in there, sorrow, grief….(we sense a lot of grief in your comment)….a place we can just let go without judging ourselves, can be very useful. For some it’s creativity, art or journalling or movement, for others, screaming out loud in the deep countryside with nobody to hear, for others a soft pillow to repetitively punch! In summary, you don’t sound at all foolish. You sound like someone transitioning with growing pains. Don’t let bitterness stall you. Cut yourself some slack, recognise you are doing your best, then go deeper into it, ideally with the help of a professional counsellor or therapist if that’s a possibility? best, HT.
Mine stems from health. I got cancer about 11 years ago and although I am cured of the cancer it has completely deconstructed my skeletal system. Was 6’2″ now am 5’8. I’m 36 and have had to have both my knees, both my hips, and both my shoulders replaced. I’m finding it hard to seem beyond the fog lately. I used to be able to walk around happy and free but lately I don’t see the point and resent everyone around me who have ability and opportunity that are simply not in the cards for me anymore. I literally and 1 in a million. I don’t know why that matters to me but I don’t feel anyone respects and actually appreciates me. I’ve changed in so many ways I don’t know if I even found myself after the dreadful first year which took everything from me. 1 yr chemo, radiation and then bone marrow transplant. Recovery rittled with side effects that destroyed my body in and out. I’ve gotten myself back to being seen as a normal person and it only plays against me. People see me strong so they don’t think all the insane physical corrections bother me. It’s hard to see why I am so dismissed. I’m having trouble holding jobs cause of my interactions with coworkers are aggressive and I don’t even see how. I don’t know what path I need to take to get past this rage that’s obviously affecting my outside relationships. Any advise would mean the world.
I am bitter because it is too late for me.
Long story, but at 19 I was physically damaged. 25 years of dependence and extreme limitations. Physical and cognitive.
Got some measure of my life back five years ago. But I’m 49 and it’s too late to do anything worthwhile with the rest of my stupid, rotten meaningless wasted life.
50 is NOT 20. It’s a lie to say it is.
I’m too old to start a family. Why bother dating–and pretending to enjoy–the joyless drudgery of endless stupid dates I thoroughly HATE with ancient, senile players I loathe at first sight?
Or marry some hideous, ancient widower that only wants a free nurse in his declining years?
I’m too old to start a business that will be worth my while. I will be dead soon. And there will be no one to share my life with even if I should beat the odds and succeed at something.
My friends all dropped me long ago because I couldn’t follow them due to my limitations from the crap at 19.
I will never forget how horrible and lonely it felt to hear them plan their weddings, careers while my body and life fell apart. Nothing will ever make up for this as long as I live.
All my new neighbors (I relocated) have families. Even the elderly have grandkids.
I have nothing. And things will never get better. I refuse to pretend otherwise and fake happiness at stale, moldy crumbs when the good parts of life no longer exist
I will spend my remaining years secluded in a rented room cursing the empty barren years behind which have ensured an empty barren future. And no–a positive attitude won’t change the past or my current crappy circumstances which ensure a miserable, desolate future. No matter what I do or how hard I force my face into a phony smile.
50 might as well be 80 for me.
I really appreciate this article. I first came to understand that I’d grown up in a situation in which I didn’t get emotional needs met (and instead assumed unconsciously that I was more or less responsible for the needs of others) when my alcoholic father died just ahead of the pandemic. It was brutal, as I hadn’t understood that not only had my own sense of emotional precarity been worsening as my father’s condition itself worsened, but my eyes were opening to what my peacekeeping role had been for the other members of my family, as well. I realized that I had not found oxygen to breathe in the family setting (which became a divorced one when I was 10, followed by joint custody), and that I was lost in terms of what I valued. I had tried to please all parties in some way or another and not developed a self-sufficient sense of my own interests. Three years on, I have estranged myself from my family because I couldn’t hear my own voice in my head over theirs; even so, the very shaming things they have said (notwithstanding the good things they have done) have completely festered, as I took them completely personally. I realize am now embittered, having never understood how to encounter my anger in the first place. I’ve felt especially hopeless about that, having been in a family where anger never seemed to have an effect, and many things had to be swept under the rug.
I find myself relating to absolutely everything in this article, and I appreciate the notion of PTED. This is all hard to accept, especially since along my way to bitterness I’ve seen glimmers of possibilities of a better life for myself – but I’ve fallen prone to repeating in my mind the harmful things said to me, to resigning myself to their helpless and hopeless limitation, keeping myself isolated because I’ve always felt I’d needed to show up in the world in a positive way. It really has become almost impossible to see around. Trying to muster the ability to put myself together now, and glad at the least for a couple of friends who have been generous in listening to me and for the ability to see a therapist.
Hi ,,am Tina ,,I’ve been repeatedly been physically abused by my dad whom I think is my stepdad.my mum is used to yelling at me ,,my brother always beats me up furiously ,he has one time estrangled me on the next ,last week he beat me up stepped on me repeatedly ,,beaten me fists repeatedly and also almost cut my neck with a wood saw ,,I’m really sad , my relationship is not working either 😢 😞 pleaaase for the love of God help ,,coz last week I almost threw my self in a borehole ,,I’m so depressed and I can’t even sleep or eat or even take a bath .
This is a very interesting and enlightening article and I am grateful and pleased to discover it after a search of the characteristics of a bitter person. I know that I have become bitter but wanted confirmation. For me one of the overriding issues has been the feelings of injustice; I think most people can associate with this whether this leaves a lasting impression or not. Perhaps some people are more vulnerable than others as to how deep and long these feelings can last. At one point I considered whether my ego was getting in the way of moving on; how dare a person insult my ego., my pride etc but I think this is not the main reason. I believe of lot of the disillusion arrives from feeling that your trust has been abused. Logically it does not make sense to retain the memories of something that has caused so much pain and it is wise though not easy to let go and move on. But I think that there are truly moments in your life whereby you are in a state of disbelief at people’s behavior towards you and this can have a major impact on the way you begin to live. Perhaps it is partly our pride that almost forces us to retain the past and perhaps we seek confirmation that we were really were abused (we like to think that we weren’t). Talking, reliving those past moments is a way of hopefully letting go. You simply cannot change the past and this can be very hard to accept especially of when you think of what once was but is no longer. But you have one live and it does not seem logical to allow someone or an incident to stop your growth and enjoyment. And a consolation should you want one is that those that can cause suffering will for sure suffer themselves at some point in their lives.
I am alone. I find it difficult to reach out. I no longer have a car, am a senior, family stays away, I can’t deal with history of child sexual abuse and incest. I cheated, divorced, blames for it, new wife takes my place with my grown kids and grand. I feel worthless, have no energy or drive, dream about being productive but feel more comfortable by myself. I do enjoy when I do get out to stop or whatever, but like today, I got up, have been eating non stop lately. Is death really so bad?
My severe depression has caused me to develop this inability to experience any enjoyment or pleasure, therefore causing me to lose complete interest in the UK soap operas and other TV shows I used to enjoy binge watching because of being too concerned about struggling with every single thing in life such as building relationships with others. I’ve permanently discontinued my once favourite TV shows and other pleasurable interests from now on for mental health reasons – restricting and limiting myself to mental health awareness videos on depression and suicide. When struggling to socialise with other people and learn personal information about them, I always seem to have trouble taking in every single piece of information at once, and people’s lack of empathy towards me only makes life and everything in it even harder for me. Socialising and paying attention to my surroundings at the same time are amongst the many things I’m not capable of taking for granted because of this mental block getting in the way. It’s not that I don’t want to socialise OR that I don’t pay attention to anything – but it is the toxic way in which the people in my family and even those outside of my family come out with it towards me that has left me bitter, severely depressed and mentally damaged. As someone on the autism spectrum, there are too many confusing and unpleasant situations that I shouldn’t be put in because of the many negative effects on my mental health and well-being, but the people in my life constantly put me in these confusing and unpleasant situations without considering the fact that my mental condition gets in the way of having the ability to think clearly. There are also too many psychologically damaging things my parents constantly say to me that one shouldn’t say to someone on the autism spectrum, especially because the autistic person is not in control of their inability to think or operate properly. After I leave home and start living away from my family, I will end up looking back on this time with bitterness and will only become EVEN MORE bitter later on in life because of how much my mental condition has affected those around me and the stress it has caused my parents especially. I’m not even keen on living in any house or apartment because of not being able to cope in any household environment, I am looking at living in a residential mental health care facility and considering being referred for mental health support. I plan on having a mental health team
from now on and see myself being very dependent on them when I start living on my own and getting involved in suicide prevention programmes. I just hope I don’t end up becoming a burden to my mental health team and causing them to be worried about my mental well-being, because I already see concerns being raised about my welfare after I find myself not being able to cope with life anymore. Not to come across as morbid, but at the moment I am having horrific and troubling thoughts of ending my own life in a very brutal way – which I will eventually end up doing. After hearing about one severely depressed woman who died by suicide after also battling schizophrenia, I see myself ending up like her and taking my own life in the same brutal way that schizophrenic woman took her own life. From now on I find myself focusing on Ariel Burdett and others who have died by suicide – that’s how much I don’t see the point in life anymore.
My severe depression has caused me to develop this inability to experience any enjoyment or pleasure, therefore causing me to lose complete interest in the UK soap operas and other TV shows I used to enjoy binge watching because of being too concerned about my daily struggles with every single thing in life. I’ve permanently discontinued my once favourite TV shows and other pleasurable interests from now on for mental health reasons – restricting and limiting myself to mental health awareness videos on depression and suicide. After I leave home and start living away from my family, I will end up looking back on this time with bitterness and will only become EVEN MORE bitter later on in life because of how much my mental condition has affected those around me and the stress it has caused my parents especially. I’m not even keen on living in any house or apartment because of not being able to cope in any household environment, I am looking at living in a residential mental health care facility and considering being referred for mental health support. I plan on having a mental health team from now on and see myself being very dependent on them when I start living on my own and getting involved in suicide prevention programmes. I just hope I don’t end up becoming a burden to my mental health team and causing them to be worried about my mental well-being, because I already see concerns being raised about my welfare after I find myself not being able to cope with life anymore.
I am struggling with bitterness. My marriage is floundering. In Feb it will be 9yrs that I have been the reluctant mother and full time caretaker of a complex special needs child. A child I knew I did not want as soon as I got the positive marker on the pregnancy test. I never wanted children, in fact, believed I couldn’t have children. But my husband was So Happy. I hoped for a miscarriage. Or a stillborn. Obviously that didn’t happen. I figured in a few years, school would offer some relief, I’d return to my work. That didn’t happen either. . . at 3 months of age, we’d discover something wasn’t quite “right” and so would begin a journey of specialists and tests and out of state travel and an out of state move, as well as the unplanned and unexpected surprise of another pregnancy 2yrs later with a perfectly “normal” but still (for me) unwanted child. So here we are, 9yrs in. I’m in my 40’s, my child is completely handicapped in every possible way. Dependent on me for every imaginable aspect of care and living. I’ve suffered an injury to my shoulder, no doubt a result of repeated stress due to the physical strain. I’m bitter. Heck yeah. I’ve lost my sense of self. I have no purpose outside of this child’s existence, no local family, no real friends to speak of, I’ve moved 3 times in the last decade, my husband is consumed by his work, I have no one to give me relief, no time to myself, no feeling of connection in my relationship and I hate being a mother when I never even wanted children to start with. Bitter – I feel like that only scratches the surface. Most of the time I can’t decide if I wish I could disappear or if death would be preferable. But I suffer from an overwhelming commitment to my responsibilities, so I keep going, hoping that perhaps at some point God in His mercy will deliver me somehow or other. My only fear at this point is growing old, because I really can’t imagine living like this for another 10, 15 or 20yrs. I mean, that would just be really terrible.
I would like to find a PTED counselor in my area.. do you have any resources. The only few counselors I’ve seen have not been properly trained this in depth.
I’m quarrelsome husband, I can do it a whole day. It’s affecting my children and the whole family, if somebody does something bad I don’t forget I keep on mentioning it, for instance I have a very bad quarrel with my wife now and then, I’m not happy with the situation I want to get out of it , can someone advice me.
Please stop telling people that CBT is the answer to dealing with bitterness. Health Insurance companies LOVE approving CBT as it’s about 6-8 weeks to cover.
Sorry, I’ve seen enough of other patients since 1990 and honestly, the only thing I’ve ever seen “cured” is ham.