Sound Familiar? 9 Core Beliefs That Can Control Your Life
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Iqbal Osman
by Andrea M. Darcy
Core beliefs are assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world that we mistake for fact.
Unless we take the time to dig out and question our negative core beliefs they control every life decision we make.
Read on for common examples of core beliefs and just how they might be running your life.
[Want more info on how core beliefs determine your perspective? Read our connected piece, “Identifying Your Core Beliefs“.]
9 Examples of Core Beliefs That Hold You Back
1. There is something wrong with me.
It can also sound like: I’m defective, I’m fatally flawed, I’m no good, I’m stupid, I’m worthless, everyone else is better than me, I don’t matter, I’m a bad person who can’t be fixed, I am a total failure, everything I do is wrong.
If you have this core belief you will suffer from low self-esteem. Often this sort of belief also causes fear of intimacy. It feels easier to not let anyone really get to know you than to get close to someone and have them see that you are flawed.
2. I am unlovable.
Nobody wants me, I’m better off alone, nobody understands me, I bore others, people hate me, I don’t need other people anyway.
You might find that you avoid relationships altogether to avoid proving yet again that you can’t be loved. Or, you’ll choose codependent relationships where you have to ‘earn’ love.
Another pattern believing you are unloveable can trigger is always choosing to be with others who fall treat you badly and emotionally abuse you, such as those with narcissistic traits.
3. If I love someone, they will leave me.
By: Flavio~
Everyone abandons me, it’s dangerous to love someone, if you love someone you just get hurt, I have to deserve love, I can’t be happy unless I am with someone, everyone rejects me.
This core belief often means you leave relationships prematurely, so scared of rejection you pre-emptively abandon others first. Of course this means you are left feeling alone and awful.
This core belief is common in those who suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD).
4. The world is a dangerous place.
You can never trust anyone or anything, others are out to get me, I’m powerless, I’m helpless, I’m weak, you have to be in control to survive, never let your guard down, you should never be vulnerable, don’t ever reveal who you really are.
This belief leads to ongoing anxiety and fear of change. You will make choices based on what is ‘safe’ over what you truly want. Suffering from a constant sense you that you ‘missing out’ on life, you will not living up to your potential. Another side effect of this belief can be that you are a control freak, always trying to monitor everything and everyone around you.
5. I am not good enough.
I am a failure, I can’t change, I will never succeed, I can’t, I’m a loser, everyone else is better than me, I’m always second best, there is no point in trying in life.
This belief also leaves you mired in low self-esteem and often leads to depression. You might, however, hide your low self-esteem and sadness behind perfectionism.
Or, you might give up on even trying to feel worthy and instead let others manipulate you, even allowing abusive or dependent relationships.
6. I’m different/ an outsider.
By: Tommaso Meli
I don’t belong, it’s like I’m from another planet, nobody understands me, I don’t fit in, there is something wrong with me, I have to hide who I am to be liked.
If this is you, you might suffer from extreme loneliness even when in a crowd, or struggle to understand yourself.
7. You have to be happy to be liked.
If you do bad things you are a bad person, I can’t have bad thoughts, if I am angry I am unloveable, nobody likes a sad person, feelings are dangerous.
This sort of core belief often comes from a childhood where you were only loved if you were ‘good’ or ‘quiet’, etc. You will likely have attachment issues in relationships, identity issues, and struggle to have authentic relationships.
8. Everything is my fault.
I always get it wrong, I need to try harder, if I love people hard enough I can fix them, I have to help everyone, I am selfish to think about myself, I have to be perfect, you shouldn’t hurt others.
If this is your way of thinking, you will probably have codependent relationships, lack personal boundaries, have trouble saying no to others, and be passive aggressive.
9. I’m special.
I’m entitled to better, I deserve attention, if people criticise me they are bad, I’m superior, I have to excel, I am above rules, people can’t understand me, I can’t go wrong.
This sort of core belief leads right to grandiosity or narcissism. It can mean you manipulate others, have anger management issues, and never experience true love and intimacy.
The good news about core beliefs
The good news about core beliefs is that, with work and commitment, they are indeed changeable.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one of the best therapies for working on your core beliefs. It focuses on looking at how your beliefs and thoughts affect your behaviour and moods, and how you can change these cycles for good.
Harley Therapy can connect you with highly trained and experienced CBT therapists in central London. Not in the UK? We also put you in touch with online therapists who can help you no matter where you live.
Ready to shake up your core beliefs? Read our connected article now, “How to Change Your Core Beliefs and Move Forward“.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instgram @am_darcy
I never think in my core believes, when I read this article was surprise for me many the points you give as , I’m involved in, how can I change my life? how can I have better results, how can I change in a positive way my thoughts?
Glad it’s helpful.
Reading this article on Core Beliefs has shown me about myself. Wow, I learned something about myself today. Thanks
Glad it helped!
What do you do if you believe ALL of these and don’t have access to therapy?
Hi A, self help tools are a good start. Use the search bar to find articles on things like journalling and mindfulness. And do you really not have access to therapy, or do you choose to believe that? We do hear from people in countries where citizens have no freedom. But if you live in a Western country, you have access. Y9u just have to put in the work to find it and believe you deserve it and are worth the investment. Here is our article on finding low cost or even free therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
I’ve had people try to push all of these core beliefs onto me with the exception of the last one all my life, and it hasn’t stopped. I spent 15 years in therapy, and my therapist told me that I did not have issues – I have people in my life that have issues. I try to be a decent person, help out when I can, and otherwise try to mind my business and do my job. I’m so tired of hearing from my boss and family that I’m not doing enough, being nice enough, etc. I read self-help books, do meditation, journal, and talk with friends who aren’t judgmental. Any more advice? Thank you.
Hi there. In all honesty we are surprised a therapist would say that or support such a mindset. Was she a professionally trained, registered therapist? Yes, there are many things that happen beyond our control like trauma. Yes, we can have families that are difficult. But blaming everyone else just doesn’t work. We are in our lives, and we must be responsible for our adult choices, even if that is just simply accepting the responsibility for who we allow into our lives or for not setting firm boundaries with others. If life is always going poorly, if we are constantly having run ins with others, the common denominator is ourselves. It’s only when we accept responsibility and refuse to be a victim that we can step into our personal power, set those stronger boundaries, and make those better choices. Otherwise we attract situations and people that leave us feeling a victim again, and again, and again. Best, HT
I was sexually abused around age four by my aunt and i strongly believe the incident set me up for failure in life as I developed ADD, ADHD,Social anxiety, Attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder and I’m sure a host of other disorders that have made me an oddball in society. School was a mountain of a struggle to understand much of anything I was being taught. I was uninterested, distracted and lazy in most of what I did and I developed an addiction to pornography. I craved sex all the time which led me to self control issues around females, including family members. Although I tried religion to help me through my struggles the porn addiction was impossible to control. At age 27 I met a lady in church who was my age and who barely had an education and who I barely found attractive, and got her pregnant. It was my greatest downfall. Although I had four children with her I cheated on her about fifty times. I’m a sort of Forrest Gump, except that I’ve excelled at nothing. I go through life without the will or desire to get ahead. I’m now 50 years old still making minimum wage, no one wants me, my children are all ashamed of me and although I live with guilt and shame I bear it and accept and love myself as I am, and I try to make life for myself and my family the best I can by providing love, support and as much understanding as possible. Although I lost all sexual desire with my wife for over ten years I love her deeply and dearly as one would love a pet and she’s dating a male friend with my complete approval and acceptance. My life is a complete disaster but it’s my beautiful disaster.
Hi there George. There’s a lot going on here. There’s a cry for help followed by defensiveness and pretending things are okay and you can manage. A ton of low self-esteem and self hatred followed by braggadacio (we had to edit your comment down). What we sense is that deep down you actually think you are beyond hope or help. We don’t agree. We’d also suggest you go after these women you see as lesser than you as a way to feel better, but what you really need is someone to see you behind all this posturing. And to listen without the judgment you want to encourage others to bestow on you. Would you consider seeking counselling? We think if you found a therapist you thought you could grow to trust over time (with this history don’t expect to like or trust anyone at first) you might find that there is more to you than you realised and that you have more to offer than you give yourself credit for. best, HT.
This is a Great read ..thanks for sharing
glad it helped!
Hello, I wonder what is the difference between core beliefs resulting from childhood traumas or an adult trauma? Cognitively speaking, is one easier to unveil and treat than the other? And if a trauma is dealt with and treated, can it resurface another time in the future? Last question, is it more difficult to heal traumas as we age? Is there a certain age where traumas are irreversible? Thanks, NJ