Everyone Else’s Fault? How to Stop Projecting Feelings Onto Others
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 7, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
- You don’t want to go out for the evening, but convince yourself the other party actually doesn’t find you interesting and that’s why you’re cancelling.
- You are incredibly attracted to a colleague, but get angry at them for flirting with you.
- In a fight with your sister you stay very calm, pointing out how angry she always gets, then go home with thoughts of rage against her.
Welcome to the world of psychological projection.
What is projection anyway?
Psychological projection is when you unconsciously avoid taking responsibility for certain feelings and thoughts by attributing them to someone else.
[Why do we project? What are the many ways you might be projecting onto others without realising it? For the answers to these questions and more read our connected piece on “What is psychological projection?“.]
How to manage your psychological projection
So you have admitted to yourself you are the projecting type. So what now? How can you start to become more responsible for how you think and feel?
1. Stop saying I’m fine.
Projection happens because we are in complete denial of how we really feel to the extent we dump it on others instead of acknowledge it. “I’m fine” is a response many of us are quick to not only say but buy into, ignoring the anger that has our stomach in knots or the sadness that has us secretly overeating or bingeing on alcohol every night.
Begin by just noticing how many times you say “I’m fine” each day, either to others, or in your head to yourself.
Each time you catch yourself being ‘fine’ try to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and ask, what am I really thinking and feeling right now?
This sort of ‘present moment awareness‘ will have you well on your way to the next point…
2. Try mindfulness.
By: Alice Popkorn
Mindfulness has proven so effective for helping people to be more in touch with how they think and feel it has taken the psychological community by storm over the last few years.
A modern take on ancient Eastern practises, it’s about learning to tap into the power of the present moment, where your real feelings and thoughts reside.
The more you are present to yourself, the less you’ll project.
3. Learn the art of self-compassion
More often than not we are projecting feelings because we suffer from shame and low self-esteem and are afraid to see our imperfections. This is where the art of self-compassion steps in.
Self-compassion is about, extending kindness and understanding towards all of yourself, all of the time.
This creates a safe inner space to being to accept your less than perfect feelings, meaning there is less of a need to dump them on others.
4. Spend more time alone.
Realise you say you are fine more than you should, but can’t quite get a handle on what you are thinking and feeling instead? It could be you need to spend more time alone getting to know yourself.
This is not about sitting at home watching television. It’s about quality time where you invest in learning to listen to yourself. This can look like time spent journalling, trying new things nobody else you know likes, reading self help-books, visualising, or doing self-development study courses.
5. Question your thoughts.
Projection is the mind’s way of tricking us out of feeling what we need to feel. So what if you stopped believing all your thoughts were the gospel truth? And started recognising that most of your thoughts are a mix of assumptions, old core beliefs, and doubt?
Question your thoughts about others. Do you really know what they think and feel? Have you actually asked them? Do you have facts to back up your assumption? What other facts contradict what you are thinking?
Question your thoughts about yourself too. Are you really as hated as you think? As powerless as you want to believe?
(Never know what questions to ask? Read our article on how to ask better questions. Want some help questioning your thoughts? Try cognitive behavioural therapy, which focuses on this very skill.)
6. Learn how to communicate better.
Projecting can happen because it feels easier than communicating how we really feel, or being honest about what we want from a situation and others.
Consider taking time to learn how to communicate better, especially how to communicate under stress.
Part of communicating also involves learning to listen more. Remember that words aren’t the only way people communicate – it might also be in their body language and the actions they take.
7. Recognise your personal power.
Projection is often a way to make a victim of ourselves. Instead of admitting we don’t like a colleague, we decide they hate us. Instead of admitting we are furious at a family member for not pulling their weight, we say nothing and blame them for being too angry and mean.
Sure, it means you can feel sorry for yourself and gain the attention and pity of those around you. But making others responsible means that you have given away your power to change the situation.
Instead of throwing away your power, invest in learning new ‘power skills’ such as learning how to say no and learning how to set boundaries.
8. Track the projection patterns.
By: Caleb Roenigk
Start to notice what situations make you project can be helpful. And notice who you tend to project around. Is it only with romantic partners, or more often with strangers?
Then ask what your projection is about. Do you tend to project when people ask too much of you and you feel overwhelmed? Would you rather project than admit you were wrong? Do you project your sexual feelings onto others?
You might find the present patterns link to past patterns. For example, if you do project over admit you were wrong, did a parent punish you frequently for being ‘bad’? And if you do project your sexual feelings, do you have a religious background that shamed any sexual thoughts? The next suggestion can be helpful if these feels too overwhelming.
9. Talk to a therapist.
If you worry you are projecting but find it overwhelming to figure out how it all began or how to stop, you can talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist who is trained at helping you recognise your patterns and find new ways of approaching your relationships and life.
Do you have an example of projection you’d like to share? Do so below, we’d love to hear from you.
My siblings have acted out on their projections. My sister-in-law call the police on my husband for her problem of drinking too much. My father called the police on my brother Henry 12 times and had him sent to a mental hospital in Kentucky 12 times. My sister Gertrude has sued me for over a million dollars on manufactured evidence, when she stole a million dollars and bought a 1.3 million dollar condo. My siblings were not allowed to have their own feelings as children.
They don’t know who they are. They have ruined my brother, Henry’s life and they are trying to ruin my life. Projection runs in families and our case from my father Richard who scapegoated me calling me Sloppy Toppy when he was the sloppy one.
That all sounds terribly difficult. Families work as units. The idea that one person in a family is the unwell one is never the case – it’s interconnected.
I projected a lot of my guilt and shame onto members of my family.
Hi Mardi, pretty normal move…we mostly project onto those closest to us. If it’s very upsetting and you are judging yourself heavily for it, do reach out for some support!
“You are incredibly attracted to a colleague, but get angry at them for flirting with you.”
I relate to this feeling very strongly, but I never knew it had anything to do with projection. In fact, I still don’t really understand how it’s related. Could someone please explain it for me? It would help me out a lot!
Hey there Jay, sure. So projection is a form of denial. It’s when you don’t want to see and accept your own thoughts and feelings. So instead you attribute them to someone else, criticising someone else for what deep down you criticise yourself for or are afraid of. A simple example could be a mother who has gained a few pounds and is deep down mad at herself, but in denial. She pretends she looks great and endlessly criticises her daughter’s weight instead. With the colleague example, if you are attracted to them, then ask yourself, what is it that you want to deny? Are you embarrassed you like them? Feel guilty as you feel it’s inappropriate? Do you feel afraid that you like them? Or afraid of liking them as you are sure they’ll just reject you? That would be why you then put the situation on them. As it’s easier to get angry with them instead for doing what you actually want to do instead of taking a good look at your own guilt and fear. We project onto others to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Does that makes sense? Best, HT.
I’ve fallen out with my daughter, she is a business coach and has taken to posting on social media about childhood and the effects of it on your adult life eg “heal before you have children, so they don’t have to heal from having you as a parent ”
we have a lot of mutual friends and I said to her that I found that hurtful and she said it’s not a personal attack against me and that I’m projecting my shit onto her. I’m reading your article and I’m not sure if she’s right?
Hi Leesa, sounds tough, and sounds like you are feeling very judged. We can see both sides of the story. From your side, it feels personal as you are her parent, from a business coaches side, perhaps this could be something that could help her get clients who need to work on themselves. Of course we don’t know the full story and it’s not for us to say. What matters is that you two find a way to communicate between you in a constructive way, as we suspect this is only part of a bigger picture. That would mean moving beyond the idea of who is right/wrong and looking at ways to listen to each other and to speak in ways that share perspectives without personalising or judging, such as this article discusses http://bit.ly/feelignored. Of course this is an art and a learning curve and talking with family members is tough. There is always the option of attending family counselling if you are both open to it. Best, HT.
The people that mean the most to me are telling me I am projecting. I don’t understand. Whenever I sense that they are directing me about what I need to do or should be doing and I try to explain the difficulties that I experience about certain issues that I am experiencing, whether it is in my vulnerabilities or inabilities that I wrestle with. ie; I get very frustrated and stressed to the point of shut down whenever it comes to digital communication, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it, and whenever I try to express that I am at a loss, the reaction is that I am not willing to learn or that I am being selfishly stubborn and lazy. Lately the response has also been “People like this should be placed in a home.” I want to be that capable person, so that they will not feel that I am unwilling or inept, and at the same time I want to ask them for help because I trust them more than myself or a stranger. Instead their lives are so complicated and involved in so many ways that I don’t want to be that additional factor that weights too far on the scale as to effect the comfortable relationship that is important that we maintain. So I feel the intensity to need their help but also feel the constraint my own need may be placing on the relationship. I am stuck! Not being comfortable asking but just as uncomfortable not asking! Especially whenever I try to explain myself, I am said to be projecting or that I guess it is time to be placed in a home. Or, more realistically, I am way overthinking the entire matter!
Hi Michele. We get that you love these people. But just because we love people doesn’t mean they have the ability to understand us. Unfortunately we live in a world where at school we learn all sorts of things that we never use again but we don’t learn essential things that really matter like how to understand ourselves and those around us. Sometimes we just have to accept that those around us, no matter how much we love them, or how well meaning they might be, or even if they want to help, simply don’t have the right tools or know how to do so. And then we need to gather up all our courage to find people who DO understand and CAN help. Otherwise we are just banging our head against a brick wall, so to speak. And in this case, your self esteem is being diminished by damaging comments. So it is really important you do somehow find some sort of support elsewhere. So where can you find other support? Are you working or at school, is there any kind of counselling or support or guidance/coaching available? If you are in the UK, would you be willing to talk to your GP about talking to a counsellor? A counsellor would also be able to spot if you had any kind of learning or cognitive difference that you need help with. You are clearly very bright, but if some ways of taking in information are frustrating for you, or you have difficulties understanding others, it might be a case of a learning difference and you just need to learn some tools that work for you. At the very least a counsellor could help you raise your self esteem and help you manage anxiety, as well as help you create a life where you feel supported by those around you. Best, HT.
Hi…. After many years of thinking I am aware of when people are projecting on to me — and thinking I’m managing it on… after an incident at work in suddenly wondering if I’m the projector. I arrive at work happy enough to be told by my colleague that she had had a sleepless night as a good friend of hers is in trouble – suicidal and has had to go to hospital. I empathised and listened as she told the upsetting story of her friends struggles and life. As I listened my body and mind were tensing up and I wished she would just stop talking as I felt like she was describing so many aspects of my own life.. A second colleague arrived and the story was retold again over a lengthy time. I found myself getting really upset and tried to bury myself in work – which then became conflicting when she felt the need to help me with what I was doing and taking it over. I found myself feeling angrier and angrier. It I did not want to tell her why I wasn’t myself as I felt she had enough on her emotional plate. Sensing my withdrawal and wanting to just focus on my work she kept directing questions to me of how she could help.. I kept telling her it was all my own stuff to deal with and not to worry- that she had done nothing wrong and could we just get on with our work. She kept on and on – even after I specifically asked her if we could just stop this conversation and get on with work. I finally said her after her insistence that I had just been triggered by her friends story. This then became a rescue mission on her part —the very thing I was trying to avoid —I did not want to share my life’s story at work or be rescued. I’m now confused and thinking am I the projector here?
Hi there, this doesn’t sound like projection. You were triggered. Being triggered is not the same as projection. You were clearly aware that you were triggered and that the feelings were your own, not hers.Projection means attributing how you feel to someone else as a way to avoid facing your self. Here you are not avoiding yourself and are not attributing your feelings to someone else. You are just annoyed and frustrated. Have you sought counselling for the things in your past you are clearly upset over? We’d highly advise it, particularly if you are triggered like this. Counselling can really help. Best, HT.
Hi,
I’ve realized over the years that it is hard for me to trust my partner. I’ve dated a few people and noticed a pattern where I feel they would fall out of love for me, cheat on me or leave me. And due to this, I get very insecure about their exes, or friends of the opp sex, become possessive and question their loyalty. It gets to the point where the trust issues are too much to handle for both of us and eventually they decide to end things with me. And I end up blaming them, thinking they did exactly what I was afraid of.
I don’t know if this is projecting and if it is, what am I projecting on them and how to stop? This is extremely frustrating and exhausting for me and my partner.
Thanks in advance.
So very similar to the work story when I go into work I’m happy but then people do dump their issues onto me i know they’re venting or want to express their emotions but I feel like it’s me projecting negative thoughts on them or even myself and I pray bc i really don’t wish no one bad or want to project it for them. What does this mean usually it’s negative thoughts and i refuse to feel like this i hate it or am i still not healed from something related that triggers me from peoples conversations
I often get angry or frustrated to my family member or someone close to me. When I’m feeling sad, frustrated, disappointed, or rejected to any personal things in my life (like applying to multiple job and not getting reply or when I missed opportunity due to my fault too) then when someone ask me nicely or even if just someone talk to me, I feel grumpy and I tend to be irritable to them or be sarcastic in my reply even if they didn’t do anything wrong.
Is this projection? What should I do to avoid directing my anger or frustration to other people?
After a while I also realized my mistake and regret everything I already said. How can I stop this?
I was seeing a guy for a few months, it’s been very intense he’s acted like he’s my husband and we’ve done very coupley things. we have history beforehand so feelings were definitely involved on my side at leastThe day things started going a little badly between us (he became a little distant etc over text) my grandad died! I told him and he said all the usual things I’m sorry I don’t know what to say etc etc. the death of my grandad hit me really hard! My relationship with this guy continued to detoriate he was distant stopped initiating conversations and only responded when I messaged him!! I’ve asked him numerous times if somethings wrong he’s told me no but something has definitely changed he said he’s got a lot on his mind etc! I’ve asked him if he wanted me to stop texting him and he’s said I’m overthinking things due to the loss of my grandad.
Today I text him and told him his behaviour isn’t normal that you don’t come into someone’s like a whirlwind and leave it without any explanation! He again said he’s been busy has a lot on his mind so I told him I would leave him alone.
Am I projecting my grief onto him? Like I usually wouldn’t be this upset after a few months.
I am dealing with this feeling of always being a screw up. so, when a person is pointing out something I have done wrong I will quickly make it seem like that person only sees me as a screw up. I know that person doesn’t see me that way but yet I always make the comment that they only see what I have done wrong, a screw up. I want to work on this so the people and me doesn’t have to deal with my trauma.