Unhappy Relationship? Why You Can’t Leave When You Know You Should
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
June 17, 2022
By: fPat Murray
by Andrea M. Darcy
In an unhappy relationship? But can’t seem to just get up and leave? And is this a pattern in your life, where you choose difficult partnerships then stick them out?
What makes me stay in an unhappy relationship?
Nobody consciously decides to be unhappy. But unconsciously there can be a different story playing out.
1. The staying power of low self-esteem.
We might deep down have unconscious beliefs that we simply aren’t worthy of good things, or are flawed. Our thoughts can sound like:
- “but this might be the best I can do”
- “nobody else will ever love me so I should stay”
- “I shouldn’t be too picky”
- “I’m too old to be single”.
Even “I can’t financially afford to leave this relationship” can be low self-esteem in disguise, showing a lack of belief in your own skills and creativity.
In fact low self-worth can be why we attract certain partners in the first place. We unconsciously advertise our low self-esteem, such as making jokes putting ourselves down, agreeing with everything someone says, jumping into bed with them too quickly, or having defeated body language. These signals attract those who belittle and control others, or who want someone self-sacrificing to take care of them.
2. Addictive anxiety.
By: Topher McCulloch
It might sound illogical. Surely if a partner made you anxious, you’d leave?
Not necessarily. For starters, if you grew up in a home environment that left you anxious, with unstable parents, this might be what feels normal or even like ‘home’ and ‘love’ to you.
You might think love has to be ‘exciting’, not realising that the buzzy high you feel is anxiety from picking unreliable or unsafe partners.
Anxiety triggers our ‘fight or flight’ mode. which releases chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into our body. And the buzzy feeling we are left with can be quite addictive. If we try to leave our partner, and suddenly our brain no longer feels in danger, we can crash, feeling low and bored. And convince ourselves to stay in the bad relationship to feel ‘high’ again.
3. Anxious attachment.
Anxious attachment means we deeply long for intimacy and closeness. But the more we try for it, the more we get anxious. And the more anxious we get, the more we can hold on or even get clingy.
Why would this happen? According to attachment theory, it’s because our main caregiver was unreliable. They only gave us love and positive affection or made us feel safe part of the time. Perhaps we had to ‘earn’ this love by being a ‘good’ and ‘obedient’ child, always living on eggshells so we’d be approved of. And we carry this nervousness and vigilance around love into adulthood.
4. Fear of abandonment and BPD.
If we are afraid of being abandoned, we can end up in a ‘push pull’ pattern. Our fear leads us to be so vigilant that we misread the other person and push them away first to avoid pain. When we realise they weren’t actually abandoning us, we panic and do everything to ‘pull’ them back.
The highs and lows of this pattern quickly become highly dramatic, addictive, and all consuming. We feel like we can’t live without the other person, even if we aren’t even sure anymore we love them at all.
This pattern, of drama and volatility in a relationship, driven by fear of abandonment, is part of having borderline personality disorder (BPD).
5. Trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding means we get hooked on a cycle of abuse followed by compensation, such as a partner that hits us then buys us flowers and says they love us. Our brain essentially becomes addicted to waiting for that little positive moment.
If we had trauma in our childhood, our brain can already be predisposed to this addictive way of bonding, meaning we are more likely to choose an abusive partner.
Why am I the type of person who stays in an unhappy relationship?
By: assymonkey
Again, it tends to be because of your experiences and learnings as a child.
It might be that you learned by example to choose difficult relationships. If you watched a parent stay in a bad relationship, it’s more likely that you will, too.
Or it can be down to not getting consistent love, safety, and attention and having an attachment issue.
Childhood trauma is also a common cause of difficulties with relationships as an adult.
And if your childhood trauma was abuse, it’s likely you have a hidden core belief that you are unlovable so stick out relationships where you feel hated. In fact experiencing sexual abuse as a child is a common symptom of those with borderline personality disorder.
Do I need support to change my pattern of staying in bad relationships?
If our relationship choices as an adult are connected to traumatic experiences as a child, it can be hard to change them through mere willpower. If there was abuse in your past, processing repressed memories and emotions can be overwhelming. Also note that if you do think you have borderline personality disorder, it doesn’t just go away.
You can make progress yourself with research and self-help books. But the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist makes the process of learning to choose happy and healthy relationships faster, and more likely to last, then attempting it alone. It also teaches you entirely new ways of relating so you don’t choose a similar unhealthy relationship in the future.
Need help with BPD or relating issues? We connect you with some of London’s most highly regarded talk therapists. Or visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book a session with a UK-wide registered counsellor now.
Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer and editor of this site, and has written over two thousand popular articles on wellbeing and mental health. Find her at @am_darcy
I am 6 years sober, married to a wonderful man who stuck with me through the craziness of my drinking for 28 years. I don’t want to be married any more. I don’t want to be in any relationship at all; because I don’t want to be needed by anyone but myself. I feel so trapped because my leaving will so severely hurt my husband. He relies on me for help with dependent parents and his own health issues.
That’s a really hard situation. This actually happens quite frequently, that when someone gets sober the relationship no longer works for them. They have changed, the relationship is the same. But there are several other interesting things here. First, it sounds like you are not communicating with your partner, or even being yourself, if you are making choices to ‘not hurt him’. As humans, we hurt each other. We can’t live our entire lives not doing so. But we hurt each other more when we hide things and are not open and honest. The second thing that is interesting is “I don’t want to be needed by anyone but myself”. That feels a loaded statement. Feeling we don’t want or need anyone else in our life is often connected to deep, root issues that can use having a look at. Is there any chance you could see a counsellor or therapist? There is a lot going on here, and they can support you to unravel all of it – to look at what is really driving your need to leave and your inability to do so, to navigate leaving the relationship if that’s the next step, and then dealing with the root issues that have you feeling trapped by others in life so that you don’t recreate a similar situation in the future. Good luck!
I am with somebody who tells me to leave the relationship but I still stay my minds tells me to leave but for some reason I can’t what does that mean?
Hi Ashley, it could mean many things. We can’t say without knowing you. It could mean you both are nervous to be in a relationship so are saying things you don’t mean, it could mean you don’t want to be in the relationship but find it addictive. As the article discusses, the reasons are many. As for what your mind says, the mind is not the be all and end all, often what we think is due to anxiety or what we learned as a child over what we deeply value and desire. But of course someone always telling you to leave can’t be fun or make it easy to trust. If this is hard on you, or a pattern in your life of chasing those who are unavailable, it’s a good idea to talk to a counsellor.
I am in a relationship that is clearly not a healthy relationship she doesn’t participate in the day to day portion and if I express any feeling that I am not happy or that I feel she was wrong in some way she will escalate the argument to the point of she’s leaving and belittles me anyway she can I love her but I know that I need to leave but when it comes down to it I can’t do it why is that
As the article talks about, there can be many reasons for being unable to leave. Sometimes it’s that we see the person past the drama and love them, but more often it’s that we have low self-esteem and a hidden part of us feels most comfortable being unhappy. Is this a pattern in your life? Does this at all reflect what you were taught as a child about love and relating? What is love for you? All interesting questions to think about.
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he cheated on me twice and admitted to it because of guilt but i became filled with anger and crazy because at the time i was pregnant and now he says he no longer wants me we stay with his mom but he goes out all night because he wants to be a rapper and when asked what he wants he say he dont know or i can leave etc but then come back like we ok
Hi Kimberly, thanks for sharing. It sounds a tough situation. The powerful question here is, what do want? Really, truly, deep down, what is the future you would want for yourself? And what would have to happen for you to get from here to there? If the present situation is not what you want for yourself and you find it hard to leave, seek support. If there is no budget for it, google low cost or free counselling and see what comes up (we have a guide to free cost counselling in the UK, but it sounds you might be in the USA, in which case we don’t have expertise).
Should I stay in a relationship with a person if my main reason for being with them is because I can’t bare to see them with someone else?
We’re fairly certain you know the answer to that! But at the same time, is it really the right question? Or is the question, ‘What is behind my panic of seeing people I was once with with someone else?”. There inevitably will be something behind it, and it’s something that might be holding you back in other areas in life, too. From fear of abandonment, to fear of rejection, to a desire to win at all costs, it tends to be childhood experiences at play. All things worth exploring in therapy, where we can learn to move beyond such patterns so we are free to move on in life.
I’m in a sticky situation in that I feel trapped. I love my husband but I’m not in love with him and want out of the relationship. However I have a young child, am working part time (I worked part-time in order to be around more for our child) and in the last year have had a health diagnosis which resulted in abdominal surgery last year and will be on-going. I am still working but am burning out. I feel that I’ve lost my self esteem being in this relationship and have tried working on the relationship from every angle – esp for the benefit of our child. He will not agree to seek marriage counselling but finally (he has had depression that last six years which makes this situation more complicated as I would be a nasty person to leave someone in the lurch) has agreed to seek personal counselling because I made an ultimatum that I wanted to separate earlier in the year. He still sees us growing old together and says he loves me. That I am unhappy in the relationship is not new news to my husband but from my view he doesn’t appear to be pulling his weight to help work on this together. A one-sided relationship doesn’t work. I have discussed my feelings/what my needs are with him over the years and offered ideas on what we could do to help the situation. There is talk but no action from his part and he is happy for it to continue in this limbo of non-relationship or intimacy. Meanwhile time ticks on. There is no third party as far as I’m aware. I feel incredible guilt on behalf of my 5 year old. I know I need to see someone to deal with my own issues but not sure what type of clinician. I also worry financially and going forward whether I will be physically able to do this all on my own.
Hi Caroline, thanks for sharing. It sounds a tough situation. The two things that most stand out are a lot of guilt, such as “I would be a nasty person to leave someone in the lurch”. Are you really responsible for another adult at the expense of your own health and wellbeing? An interesting thing to consider. The levels of guilt and codependency in this mail are high, and this combo makes it very hard to see ways forward for the best of us. This level of guilt and codependency also inevitably goes back to old roots, childhood patterns, etc, meaning that it can feel terrifying to step forward in life. So we would say your instinct you need support is a very good one. We’d suggest you do follow that instinct to seek support for yourself. We have articles on this site about choosing therapy, all the different types of therapy, how to find a good therapist, and how to find low cost therapy, too. Hope it all helps! We wish you courage.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years and we have 1 child. It’s been a very rocky relationship from the start. I admit to my part of causing him hardships in his life (He ended up leaving my family’s home because we had a full blow out fight and I screamed empty threats at him, so he ended up homeless living out if our car for 7 months which at the time our daughter had just been born) he resents my inability to be emotionally sensitive to his needs and not support him when he tries to do something new, not give him a stable relationship and he said all I want to do is posses him and ruin his life and if I leave him I’m stealing his child away, he constantly tells me his life was better before he met me… It’s gotten so bad that I suspect he’s cheating on me and has completely stopped talking to me or interacting with our daughter for 4 days now. I want to leave because I know this isn’t good for us or our daughter, but I struggle to because of the guilt he may go homeless again if I do and that I must some how repent for my past sins against him and financial we’d both suffer, also that I’m “stealing” his baby.. I suggested going to consuling but he said I need to go by myself and work my issues out cause he’s done nothing wrong… I suggested we split and handle custody as adults, and his answer is “why I lost her from the start” I don’t know what to do…
Hi my name is Eugene and I’ve been with my wife for two years now and we are both military she has cheated on me over 50 times with 26 plus people.. I want to divorce her but for some reason I just can’t see myself without her … any advice?
After 17 yrs of marriage, I have fallen out of love with my husband. He has done some really bad stuff to me that has put me back to my past of childhood. I suffer from c-ptsd and I have begged him to stop hurting me the way he does. Im at the point that I am no longer in love with him and want to leave but I still have a teen son at home, a home business, and not financially stable to take care of myself and son. I dont know what to do. I feel like im in a prison in my own mind. I dont know how I can continue to live in the same home as he but he wont leave so I feel stuck.
First of all, don’t judge yourself. We are all complex and we often find ourselves in places that don’t make any sense to others or even ourselves on the surface. Deep digging is required. Start with good questions. What is it I am getting out of this situation? What is the feeling I experience most lately? Is it joy, freedom, calm? Or do I feel anxious, confused, and secretly ashamed? Is this the way I want to feel? What is it am I afraid to lose? Is this at all related to a pattern of behaviour in my life, and where might that pattern come from? These are of course big questions. We would definitely recommend support with this one, in the form of counselling or therapy, as it would be related to the way you see yourself and your core beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. At the very least, if you discover this is what you really want, you can stop questioning yourself. Hope that helps!
Anna, it sounds like you really need to reach out for some support here. There is a real sense you are convinced you are trapped and powerless and that is the only perspective, but in our experience there is rarely no other option, it’s just that something in us refuses to see the other options until we are ready to. And sometimes we need support to raise our self-esteem to the point we can see beyond the immediate. If you have no funding, read our article on low cost counselling for inspiration on how to find support bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage!
Hi Caroline, oh gosh, what a tricky situation! And even harder as you have a child. The number one thing here is that you are not responsible for all of this. We really appreciate that you understand you are responsible for your half here, and that is seriously powerful. You are not a victim here. But you cannot be responsible for more than 50% of this, and you are not responsible for his choices, only your own. He chose to live in his car. That was his choice. And if he feels his life is ruined, it’s based on decisions he made. Here’s some questions designed to help you switch to a bigger perspective. If you could snap your fingers and suddenly feel zero guilt, what would you do? If you had a million dollars tomorrow and could do anything, what would you do? If you could zoom outside of this situation, so you were a puppetmaster looking down at a stage, how would you move the puppets? At the end of the day, he has a point about the counselling, in so far as you could benefit, if only as it would build up your self-esteem enough you could see this situation more clearly.
I feel like I’m in a relationship that even though I have moved further am unhappy in. Before the relationship I was in bad shape with employment, never had funds and lost my apt. I started dating my current boyfriend because he wanted to help me get on my feet. Inside I’m screaming “bad choice” I know that, but coming from a homeless situation I feel like I was doing anything in my power not to go backwards even if that meant making an other bad choice. Our relationship is very much like a roller coaster. A few weeks we are happy, then (mainly myself) it’s completely opposite. I’ve had previous relationships before where I’ve been cheated on. What is odd is that those relationships were my happiest, if comparing to this one. One part being how my spouse at the time would treat me. Even though I was being cheated on I was completely infatuated with that person. Currently, it’s not at all the same. I find myself having to relax or calm down before speaking or interacting with my current boyfriend. Mentally i feel like we are on 2 different playing foelds and ive even tried breaking up with him 3 times because of the simple fact that i am unhappy and tired of trying. But he is relentless, which makes me wonder, is it me? Am I the toxic one here who can’t see a great guy? He doesn’t cheat on me, but honestly he’s not all that great. Most of our problems are communication and how arrogant we both can be. I am more of a push over when he can be more decision maker. Which is something that really bothers me, I feel like he has no idea how to treat the person he loves.
Olivia, there is a lot going on here. First, you are hoped your relationship to save you from your issues. As you’ve discovered, this rarely works. When we are very unstable in life we don’t tend to suddenly attract a healthy relationship that will fix things. The other thing going on here is that you can see that you feel more comfortable around drama and even emotional pain. You found being cheated on felt better than being bored. Does this mean that those relationships are ‘better’ for you? No. It means that you are more comfortable with pain, trauma, and drama. This pattern often happens if we grew up in an unstable home, or experienced some sort of childhood trauma, so that we are essentially trained to feel ‘at home’ with instability. If this is you, if you do end up with a calm person you will find yourself creating the drama you need. In summary, there are deep-rooted issues here. They can’t be solved in a comment. In fact they will need long-term commitment on your side to understand and work through. But they can be overcome. Therapy would be hugely beneficial. It can help you regulate your emotions, understand what your real needs are, and get those needs met in non-destructive ways. We’d suggest you look into schema therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, or mentalisation-based therapy. We hope this helps.
I have been with my partner for 8 years, there is a 12 year age gap and I was 17. I moved out early on in the year as were not communicating and I felt lost. He had treated me badly in the past with big rows. He smokes weed every day. I have gone back to him and although we do not live together I feel lost all over again that I cannot be with him nor without him.
I know I should leave but I don’t know how.
Hello. I’ve been married for a bit over four years (together for a bit over 6 years) and want to leave my marriage. He is an angry, difficult and negative person as normal, everyday, personality traits and I knew this from early on in the relationship but also knew him under all of that and fell in love. He is fantastic when he’s in a happy and interactive mood but that happens for short bursts about 2-3 times a year (or when we are around family). He is also addicted to his computer/video games/the internet and will be online/on the computer most of his free time, through family time and in to the wee hours, coming to bed at 2-3-4-5 and now even 6 a.m. I have to manage the house (4 children) and routines and if he does get up he’s hugely irritable from being tired (in addition to his already prickly personality), he promises to get things done to contribute to upkeep of the home, and when I get home from work or kid activities, about 95% of the time it/they haven’t been done because he’s been on the computer the whole time. It also affects our intimate life, both in the obvious way in addition to the fact that I end up so upset about going it “alone” and going to bed alone every night etc., that even if it’s not the internet temptation, I’m just too upset that I have to come second to a device and wait for him to satisfy all the things he wants to do before he will see me/us. When we talk he says it’s his escape (doesn’t go out or have many friends) and I can understand that and have voiced that I do. I stated numerous times that I’m not trying to control him but that I’m asking for a better balance with his time and it MAY work for a while sometimes but always returns to how it was. Financially I am covering 100% while he is in school. This is temporary and I’ve been fine with it but if I say anything about home life he says im treating him like my house-boy bc I have money and he doesn’t. I do know that it’s not all one-sided and I have my quirks and habits he doesn’t like. When I do discuss with him, it’s calm and adult, I voice concerns and even state that I understand. I’m always calm in our discussions as I know yelling and upsetting comments get us nowhere (and it’s just not the kind of person I am) and I’ve been to therapy off and in for about 4 years mainly because of my marriage issues and to gain confidence and a backbone to be able to confront situations properly. I am afraid of confrontation (but am working on that), I am the type to consider everyone else’s feelings and wellbeing before mine (I don’t want to change that but be better about balancing as I excaust myself to being bed-ridden). I can be Moody at certain times and I tend to get silent and want to hide rather than just communicate when something comes up though I am very good at communicating when it bottle-necks and I need to get things off my chest. I’m one of those who will say “nothing” when asked what’s wrong. Mainly because I need to gather my thoughts before addressing rather than blurting out something that is uncollected and possibly confusing, but also in hopes that if I’m overreacting, I can cool down and realize it without having to “have a talk” every time I’m feeling upset about something. His reaction to talks is that “oh ya well ____” I’m horrible and what I do is so much worse and that my issues are mine and I’m the only one who can fix them. It’s not up to him. I’m horrible for making him out to be the bad guy and look bad. I don’t sneak around, I dont have anything for him to question me over im not controlling or manipulative or angry (I’m in HR) and when I realize I’m wrong I own up to it, apologize and adjust myself accordingly. With the therapy, I’ve been from knowing it’s wrong and unhealthy but wanting to stay (because I consistently choose relationships where I want to remedy my partner’s situation or upset) to just plain wanting to leave but having no idea why I just won’t do it (financially sound, been a single parent before, not afraid of being alone, dont feel attached, don’t feel like trying to fix anything anymore because even when I own up to my contributions, he doesn’t ever look inward to see his). I don’t see any reason why I would still be in this, and I am confident that I want to leave but I just won’t… Any thoughts on my situation?
Gosh Abigail, it sounds hard. Our brains can be patterned to go back to what they know, even if it is not for our best wellbeing. If that is the case, if the pattern is impossible to change alone, then you really do need to reach out to support. Do you have any trusted friends who are not invested in the situation who you can confide in? If you can afford counselling, that would be brilliant. A counsellor can really help us see ‘the woods for the trees’, so to speak. If not, and you don’t have funding, read our post on low cost counselling. bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Also know there are always hotlines to call if you feel lost and with nobody to talk to http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines.
hi i ben with my boyfriend for 17 years oi was young 15 when o mete him. he was on drugs and as a kid i did not relize the future. he ended up going on the methadone after we had my son we have 3 children and he just does not saport my feeling i know i dont saporte his hobbys but he makes me do everything paying bills doing what ever it is for the kids he never helps i mean he does work and helps with rent but i do everything pluse work full time i am so depressed all the time and i want to leave but i have guilt that he will not end up ok if i leave i am just not happy and want to be alone . how can i be happy again
Im in a relationship with a guy who moved to where i am to help raise my kids and we ended up having kids. There have been many bumps in our road and he calls me names and talks down to me very often i get sick knowing that it is unhealthy for our kids to see the relationship and i worry they are going to end up in unhealthy relationships because they see me in one. I want to leave but i think we can have an amazing relationship if a few things change but i dont know how tbe things can change.
Hi Diedra, it sounds like you have been through a lot together. But you still feel hopeful. This means it would be worth seeing a couples counsellor. A couples counsellor can help you both communicate your real needs and wants that might be hiding beneath all the nasty bickering. And can help you realise the relationships real strengths, and if it worth staying it. But here’s the thing – you both need to be open to seeking help. If your partner is not willing to seek help, then it might be time to go to a therapist by yourself to get clarity on what you really want from this situation. Is this a case of us saying ‘just see a therapist’ just because we are a therapy company? Not at all. Unhealthy relationships can be like crazy glue, it can be very hard to gain the strength to walk away. Most if not all of us need support with it. Some of us are lucky enough to have families or close friends willing to intercede and wise enough to help us see clearly, but the rest of have to find that help ourselves. It is worth it. We wish you courage!
Well you aren’t happy. Do you not feel you deserve to be happy? If you have a core belief you deserve to suffer then this relationship sounds perfect for you. What does happiness feel like to you? Can you sit, right now, breathe deeply, and feel that? If not, if you don’t even presently have the capacity to feel what it might feel like to be happy, consider that for now. If you only know despair, suffering, hard work, codependency, if you don’t even know what else is out there why would you seek it? Look for ways to start to generate that feeling of joy, freedom, happiness… even tiny ones. Commit to any and all activities and possibilities that allow tiny moments of joy. Sometimes we need to know what we are missing before we take steps towards it. Finally, have you discussed this with your therapist? Does she know you want to leave but don’t know how? As this is definitely something a good therapist would be happy to go over. Or, do you apply this same pattern of pleasing to the therapist? If so, time to talk about that immediately. If you are not being transparent with yoru therapist and are hiding anything then it’s just not going to be effective, and the first step is to share this pattern with him/her and get going on learning how to be strong enough to own how you truly think and feel. We hope that helps.
Hi Tammy, thanks for sharing. We cant’ tell you ‘how to be happy again’, as we all have our own definition of what happiness is and it’s only you who can make you happy again through starting to make good choices for yourself. If you are in a relationship that offers you nothing and want to be alone but can’t leave, then you need support. Do you have a friend or family member you can trust and confide in? Do you have any money to seek a counsellor? You can start now to ask yourself good questions. Were you happy before this relationship, or is it true that you were always unhappy and this relationship has not changed that? Where does this unhappiness come from? You might find it useful to write down all the reasons you want to leave the relationship then all the reasons you don’t. What new things does this show you? And then write out all they ways ‘you will not be ok’ if you leave. Where are these ideas from? Are they realistic? Can you think of solutions for any of them? We can’t tell you whether to leave the relationship or not, we don’t know the full situation or you. But we do hope you find some support here as it sounds like you are really struggling.
I desperately want to leave my wife, but we have a 3 year old son and another baby that was unexpected on the way. I can’t stand her, and she can’t stand me. The atmosphere in our home is becoming quite toxic. We do our best to hide it from our son, but he picks up on it at times. If it wasn’t for my son, I would NOT be with this woman. And now she’s pregnant so that complicates things further. I am not worried about paying the child support payments, I am more than willing to do so, but I am concerned that my children will suffer severely. Because of this, I almost always live with my tail between my legs so that the chance of reconciliation is still possible, for the sake of my children. I am freaking out and becoming more and more depressed and I am very worried.
Mike, this seems a really really hard situation. From what you are sharing you do not seem to have any desire to know your wife. We aren’t sure what caused this, or how you ended up together, if there was ever real connection or not, and if so how it got so lost. If there was any real powerful connection between you at one point, couples counselling could help you find it again. But if you are sure you want out, then couples counselling would only reconfirm that. And if there is any emotional or mental abuse towards you, then of course you need to take care of yourself and get out. As for the myth that staying together is good for children- this is not always true, as you seem aware of. Children are very aware and wise in their own way, and what matters to them is that their parents are happy and their home feels safe, and that they feel loved. We see cases where the children do much better if the parents separate and stability returns to the household. We recommend you read our article on the effects of divorce on children http://bit.ly/divorcekids. Of course when you say ‘I am concerned the children would suffer severely’ we aren’t sure what that means. If you wife is at all an unstable parent toward your children, that is a real worry. We would absolutely recommend you reach out for support – legal, if you are sure you want to leave and worry about her safety as a mother, and then psychological to support yourself. You sound like you are really truly suffering here, with depression and anxiety. It’s especially hard for men in our society to find a safe space to figure out how they feel, and therapy can be quite magic in that way. It can be such a tremendous relief to unload your thoughts to someone who is impartial and not going to judge you, and can help you see clearly and formulate a way forward that works for you, then help you implement it, step by step. If this experience at all replicates any experience from childhood, then therapy can help with that too, and all the extra anxiety that might be causing. Change is hard, but we can never predict how it will all turn out. With the right support to make good decisions and implement them in a wise way, when the dust settles there might be a better result than you can now foresee. We hope that helps.
I have been with my significant other for 14 yrs this year. We have two beautiful girls together. 9 and 5. Every single day has been a battle. When i first met him i was pretty young but there was something about him that i just couldnt get away from and i fell in love. When i was pregnant with my first, i always heard about him cheating and i always had random girls telling me stories about him. Some i chose not to listen too and others i did. At the time i was 18, and i had 30 yr old woman harassing my friends and I while i was pregnant because of him. I finally got him to admit it to me that he did and i was heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But i gave in. The entire pregnancy he was never around. I was alone. I had my mother and sister, and my friends but he was never really there for me or got to experience the blessing. I forgave him. We moved in together with our first born and he continued to leave me at home with her all the time–always chose his friends over her and i and drinking. Partying. Doing drugs ocasionally. But heres the thing-he never really respected me. I could go and on. But i did love him, with everything i was and i tried leaving a million times but always fell for his lies that he would change. I can see the potential in him and hes a good person and when he stays sober, hes everything i want him to be. Fast forward to now, we have 2 girls and nothing has changed. Still talks to random girls all the time-says things he shouldnt. He controls me in the littlest ways. and hes manipulative. If i go eat dinner with my friends, hes constantly texting me. I honestly dont do anything really because i get talked down too or he acts mad at me and i feel guilty for wanting to do something fun with my friends or even my family and when he gets drunk he starts accusing me of cheating on him which is bizarre. Hes always getting drunk, doing drugs, lies to me all the time, steals money from our bank account and everything runs on his time. He tried to make it up to me by cleaning the house or asking me for a back rub. every time he messed up he tries to make it up but doing something like that. im not saying it works but i just let it go. he stays out till 4 in the morning, even later. wont answer this phone. he does whatever he wants. if i ever pulled that on him, my life would be over. Its the little things that i notice. Im not blind to his actions and what he does is wrong and i know it is. Im so unhappy and i want to love him but i just cant anymore after all the years and hurt hes put me through. he lies to me all the time i dont even know what the truth is anymore. im trying to protect my children as much as i can from this because i seen the same thing growing up until my mom left. but here i am putting my kids through the same thing. I know whats right but i cant seem to leave. i watch him cry and hurt and it pulls me back in every single time even though im not happy. he tells me hes going to kill himself and he cant do this wihtout me and he wants to change for the better and im his best friend and he needs me. it hurts to see him this way but i know that i have literally looked in the eye for 14 years and cry to him almost every weekend for the hurt he makes me feel…and he doesnt care. I am always cleaning up his messes, financially..literally every time. i have literally convinced myself some days that im stuck. I cant seem to get away from him. My heart hurts, i do love him but i love him for the wrong reasons and i know that. my entire family cant stand him anymore-we all recognize who he is when hes sober so they let him come around but they all cant stand him anymore. I think deep down he wants to change but he cant and he wont and i need to accept it but its like i cant. ive become this angry person that i lose it everytime he controls me or pulls the crap he pulls i just lose it. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to live this way anymore and i hope he can change for himself at some point but im tired of pretending like everything is okay when its not. I just want to be me again and live my life the way it should be.
Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I’m going to take your advice and move forward! Much appreciated 🙂
Thanks for all this brave sharing Kylie. As you can see from your comment, you are stuck in a spiral where you mind constantly and incessantly seeks for any reason to stay in what you know in your heart is a really unhealthy relationship. This is a sign that you are addicted to the situation. It takes up all your thoughts. So please don’t be hard on yourself for finding it hard to leave. When the brain is in such an addictive cycle then even if we were superwoman we’d probably stay. The truth is we need help in such moments. So don’t beat yourself up that you find you can’t leave. Instead, seek support. Is there any way you could find a counsellor? If budget is really tight, look for a free support group for women in difficult relationships, or read our piece on low cost counselling here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
Glad to be of help!
Hi my name is Adam and recently I have slowly become involved with a woman who is in a somewhat abusive relationship, some of the things that she says he has put her through are terrible and heartbreaking. She knows that its a bad relationshhip and wants out but for some reason just can’t say the words to him. I have alot of empathy for her because it seems nearly every relationship has been the same some more physical some emotional. Her father was abusive toward her mother and she had quite a disruptive childhood. I so badly want her to kick him out and its extremly frustrating that she just cant say the words. What can I do to help and also to give her the confidence to say those words?
Adam, we are sorry to turn the tables here, but we want to challenge if you are asking the right questions here. It’s one thing to help friends out who are suffering as we’ve been friends a long time. It’s quite another to have just met someone and suddenly be so involved in helping save them you are even researching for them on the net. Here’s the cold hard truth – we can’t change or save other people. She is responsible for deciding to save herself, and if she isn’t looking like she is going to, then she is probably addicted to the drama and pain of abusive relationships. So here’s the questions you might want to be asking. What is it that attracted you to this woman who is obviously mired in drama? Is this a pattern for you? Always helping other people who have big problems? Since meeting this woman, have you changed any of your usual lifestyle habits to accommodate her needs? How often are you now thinking about her and her problems instead of your own? How much has she become the focus of your life? Deep down, is there any hope that she’ll leave this man and be with you instead? If any of these questions cause uncomfortable feelings or answers, we’d suggest you look into codependency. And also consider if this situation reflects any of the ways of relating you experienced as a child. Were you always taking care of one parent? Did you have to please, soothe, and/or entertain one of your parents? Or did you see a parent suffer and feel useless to help? In summary, Adam, we’d say stop worrying about her and start taking care of yourself here. Hope that helps.
Hi Harley I have just read your reply to my questions and there are a few things that I should tell you about my last 7 years. I was in a full time live together relationship with someone who had gone through horrendous childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her step father. She told me a little about this when we first started dating and at the time I was uneducated in the full and deep mental effects that this has on someone. Anyway to cut a long story short because of that there were times when people around us and more so my family members would see her as a bit of a drama queen in certain situation (around anger, large crowds,certain subjects) so I was pretty much caught in the middle, she didn’t want anyone to know because of the humiliation and other feelings that are a direct result of her childhood. After trying to explain the situation that I was in she would deny it was like that and even scoffed it off as that would never be the case, I eventually started to break we had a small business and the man I did most of my work with was over booking her and calling her a liar and that she was hopeless on a daily basis and I get home and she would be all about him. I ended up talking to another older lady about this just to get it out and not here peoples personal opinions. I ended up sleeping with this lady (big mistake) and as I really didn’t want to lose my partner I stopped seeing her and deleted her number but it was too late and my partner found out. Thats when things got really weird, she would wake me up in the middle of the night thinking I was texting when really I was sleeping, she thought that I was sneaking a female downstairs in the middle of the night, and then she started saying that she had seen me at the house a few times, but I wasn’t there. She moved out and I continued to go and visit her to try to patch thing up but it was always that I was spying on her, I was having her followed,hacking her stuff etc. it was breaking my heart and It was really tough for me I cant imagine what she was going through. So I started keeping a track of where I was going and matching that with phone bills ( I pretty much researched myself) just to try to prove to her I was being hones and wasn’t this terrible person. I went to the lowest place I’ve been in my life and used to sit at home alone every night just in case she came past so she could see I was alone. All I did was hurt myself by doing this she never believed me. I even paid to do a lie detector test and when I showed the results she said that I just made it up on the computer. I was the enemy and her friend all the same time. I spoke with a professional and he said that Id know when it was time to let go and protect myself and I did. But I had done so much research into childhood trauma and abuse effects and all other related later life effects. The new woman that I asked for advice about is my neighbor and since we have been talking her and I have so many things in common and similar interests that her home life drama is a part of this because now I know I cant just let it go on but the main attraction is all the other things that attract you to someone. As far as my childhood goes is was quite normal no abuse no issues at all really. I have been seriously thinking of giving her an ultimatum about leaving him because I cant break my own heart for much longer. Do you think that this is a good idea? How long do I hold on for? What else can I do?
Thank you for sharing this additional information. We are really quite surprised that is all the therapist you worked with had to say. There are evidently many of deep-rooted patterns here that are running your life. As we suggested, there is a need to get involved with very messy people that is indeed a pattern. But there is also some control going on here in the way you relate. So there will be a root in your childhood that created certain core beliefs, which might sound like, ‘I have to earn love’, ‘only difficult people will love me’, etc. There are also patterns of not being honest about what you are after or feeling. For example, in your previous message you insinuated your neighbour was just a friend you were helping. But you are expecting more than friendship, and your attentions come with strings. We unfortunately can’t tell you how to live your life or carry out your relationships. But we’d just reiterate that the problem here is not the women. It’s your own ways of relating and being that are leading you to choose these situations. We would suggest giving therapy a proper go, and choosing an in-depth long form sort of therapy. One from the psychodynamic school of thought perhaps, such as mentalisation-based therapy. Or consider one of the forms of therapy that focuses on the ways you relate to others, you can read about them here bit.ly/findlovetherapy
My partner was very controlling and emotionally abusive for 18 months and this then escalated to a short but very destructive 3 months where he was also physically abusive. I almost left so many times but was talked round each time/ he made it very difficult (and – I love him).
At the point where I knew I’d had enough and told him as much he tells me that he has confronted his underlying issues (from his childhood) and so feels he can guarantee me a life free of any form of abuse. He’s shown remorse and is not blaming me any more. I am struggling to know what to do– a large part of me feels very closed off to him now, and I can’t imagine trusting him fully again. Another part wonders if he truly means what he says and I could potentially be walking away from someone I made a life with.
I feel tremendously guilty but also have an overwhelming desire for time and space away from him.
Hi Lauren, thanks for this brave sharing. This is a crucial point for you. You are deciding between letting your guilt win, or your instinct for time and space. Good questions to ask here – what is your definition of ‘love’? Where did you learn this definition? How were you shown love growing up? What was the energy like in your home growing up (if we grew up, for example, in a stressful household, we will then think that feeling stressed is ‘home’ and ‘love’). Do you really believe you deserve love? Or, deep down, is there possibly a belief that you have to earn/deserve it? A few quick points – ‘deciding’ to suddenly stop being abusive, well, unless he is a wizard, we’ve yet to see that work for anyone. Has he committed to therapy? Booked with a therapist? And ‘deciding’ that we can love someone better, we’ve never seen that work either. The only person we can change and love better is ourselves. If you have the courage, we’d highly recommend you reach out to a counsellor or therapist yourself. Being attracted to abusive partners is a deeply entrenched pattern that arises from childhood and will repeat until we deep dive and deal with it. We hope this helps.
Thanks for your response. He has been seeing a therapist for 10+ years. Initially because of very difficult childhood – he has cut himself off from family, and this has impacted on most of his relationships with friends and romantic partners. My concern is that after a decade of therapy he still found himself treating me this way, with the explanation of “you were the first person I really loved” – he was completely unprepared for how that vulnerability would affect him. He is also admitting to having told me things I wanted to hear in the past, but assures me that everything has changed now, that because he has faced up to things he can’t/won’t ever go down that path.
I am arranging therapy, and have convinced him to give me time and space. I genuinely feel like a different person – angry, volatile, numb to everything. Deep down I don’t think I can fully trust that he has resolved everything and I will never let him hurt me like that again.
Thank you again, it really helped.
Thanks for the additional info Lauren. It’s quite a different story to hear he has been in therapy for 10+ years! We are only getting your side of the story here… but we would just add that it’s great that you are going to seek therapy. And good for you for being able to admit there is a lot of anger. The best thing right now is to focus on yourself and see where all this comes from.
I discovered your page after putting in a search “why can’t I leave my marriage” and after reading many of the posts, I am thinking that there isn’t actually a perfect (or close to) perfect marriage out there. So I could just suck it up and keep focusing on the good parts – all the while hankering after the things I don’t have – or get out on my own, struggle and then, if I’m lucky (being 56 now) find another relationship fraught with a different set of problems. I suppose I can just continue to forget about the things I wish I had (good communication and warm, affectionate partner who is able to say and show how he feels) and focus on the fact that he never wants me to leave and will always work hard to provide for me. I do not want a mere provider and have told him so, but he thinks there is nothing wrong (or just sweeps it under the carpet). Reading all these other stories though, it could be far worse. At least all I have to deal with is my empty, lonely heart :'(
Hello.
I am really struggerling with my relationship at this current moment in time, we have been together 4 years and i literally love him so much, but the problem is I have never met such a horrible mean person and I have never been in such a controlling sad relationship.
I split up with him for 3 months 2 years ago because i was being treated so badley-couldnt see my friends, but he never wanted to see me, and when he did he wouldnt want to touch me.
When I split he did everything possible to get me back, said everything i wanted to hear for years, but i blocked him, 3 months later i was doing so so well, but for some reason one morening i text him because i missed him, 2 years later were mooved out in a flat and have a dog together.
Its worse than ever now, I have lost all my friends I am in debt because h doesnt help with the rent, ive made my parents in debt and feel like im loosing them too, tbh ive lost everyone which makes me just contantly rely on him, even tho hes the last person I want to be around-but i love him so much- its sounds so pathetic and confusing.
Last night he inited his sister round and they both ganged up on me in my own flat shouting and pushing- all sorts and i had to call my dad to get me.
I know we shouldnt be together i have anxiety im scared and im not me any more and its destroying me, but i always go back- i dont want to go back this time but I dont know how not to im literally crying out for help with that and dont know why i do it 🙁
Some questions, Victoria. Are those really the only other options? And is the relationship the only problem at the moment, is it really the root of any dissatisfaction you currently feel? Or there perhaps other things but the relationship is the easier thing to point to? Things to think about, and things to explore with a counsellor or perhaps a couples counsellor?
Lucy, it sounds like you are in an addictive cycle. When we are in an addictive relationship, there is no use beating ourselves up. That would be like thinking a drug addict could just ‘get on with it”. What you need is support, proper support. These sorts of powerful cycles of behaviour are just too big for any of us to handle alone. If you can’t afford therapy, then look at our article on finding low cost therapy Ann, here’s the thing here. What we get is a woman who is very angry, very frustrated, and, actually, very, very sad and lonely. There seem to be glimmers of core beliefs around self-worth and self-love, like perhaps “I am not loveable” and “I am never good enough”. When we have these deep core beliefs, we tend to push others to prove them to us, without even realising our own actions are encouraging others to prove our beliefs are right. This can look like bullying or pushing a partner or trying to control a relationship, all done with the best of intentions because all we really want is to be loved for who we are. But our very actions push people further and further away and we become more and more lonely. We would suggest that these issues are far deeper than anything to do with getting married or staying or leaving in a relationship and might go right back to a childhood that you never felt enough in. We would strongly suggest you seek help here. Threatening suicide is no joke, it means you need to seek support. Because you are enough, and you are loveable, and you likely love this man very much but have lost your connection with how to show it. If you are on a low budget, please read our piece on how to find low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Ann, here’s the thing here. What we get is a woman who is very angry, very frustrated, and, actually, very, very sad and lonely. There seem to be glimmers of core beliefs around self-worth and self-love, like perhaps “I am not loveable” and “I am never good enough”. When we have these deep core beliefs, we tend to push others to prove them to us, without even realising our own actions are encouraging others to prove our beliefs are right. This can look like bullying or pushing a partner or trying to control a relationship, all done with the best of intentions because all we really want is to be loved for who we are. But our very actions push people further and further away and we become more and more lonely. We would suggest that these issues are far deeper than anything to do with getting married or staying or leaving in a relationship and might go right back to a childhood that you never felt enough in. We would strongly suggest you seek help here. Threatening suicide is no joke, it means you need to seek support. Because you are enough, and you are loveable, and you likely love this man very much but have lost your connection with how to show it. If you are on a low budget, please read our piece on how to find low cost counselling herehttp://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you need it don’t be afraid to call a helpline bit.ly/mentalhelplines. We wish you courage!
I have been married for 16 years and i am ready to leave. The last 4 years have been broken. I found out that my husband has been unfaithful throughout the early years of my marriage and I don’t trust him anymore. And I’m not in love with him anymore. I don’t have a job yet and I have kids. How do I leave this man who has also been verbally and emotionally abusive? We are separated, but living in the same house. On top of that, I’ve reconnected with a childhood friend whom I’ve recently fell in love with. It’s not sexual, it’s more emotional. Am I a cheater? If after divorce, will a relationship with this old friend be successful? I need help.
Danielle we can’t answer any of those questions as they will all depend on what you feel, your boundaries, and what choices you make next. What we do get here is that you are feeling a lot of stress and anxiety. This results in anxious thinking, where we overthink things until we feel terrible and then even make something into what it is not or make decisions that make our life more complicated instead of easier. It also leads to us being so frozen by anxiety we can’t see the opportunities for advancement that are around us. It might help to keep writing down your thoughts and worries and asking, what ones are facts? What ones are actually assumptions where I am fortune-telling or making something that isn’t there? What things are priorities here? Will this experience/choice cause me more stress, or less stress? What things can I actually deal with today? What are the steps I can take to deal with them? And what one small step can I take today? Try to focus on things that keep you safe and healthy – finding work might be a good step that would give you freedom and more self-esteem. And if you have the courage, we’d definitely recommend counselling. Leaving long-term relationships is hard, even worse if it was abusive. A therapist can help you build up your esteem and set boundaries as well as not make decisions that will see you move forward.
I have been with my husband for 9 years. We met and 7 months later we were married on Halloween. Next June we had our son, then the next year we had our other son. It was good for a while. Then I found out that he likes to me every chance he gets about everything. Oh I have a job, but he goes and sits in a parking lot or walks around. While I’m home with two special needs boys. He will not work, I can’t help due to me taking care ofy boys, I do everything for them, plus my health isn’t good. Last year was diagnosed with diabetes, stroke level high blood pressure, just a few days ago I was diagnosed with cancer in my uterus. We have lost home after home due to him not working. We have been homeless living on the streets, now we are in a motel but he still won’t go find a job.He talks to me like I’m trash, beliddles me, calls me names. My problem with the marriage is I can’t trust him, the way he treats me. His problem with the marriage is sex. I keep asking him why I the world would I want to lay with someone who treats me badly and likes to me and who won’t support his wife or two boys? I want to leave but have no way to. I have no friends or family, no money, no where to go. I tried a shelter huty son’s could not deal with that, and used to slam his head in the wall. I am ready to live in the streets again with my boys cause that’s the only way I’m going to get rid of him. I have asked him numerous times to leave and he says no. He is not staying case he loves me, he is staying cause he has no where to go. So I told him that I will leave. I will take the boys and live in the streets since he won’t be a man and leave, he says you do what you have to do. I know my boys will be heartbroken when I leave but they are treating me like he does and starting to call me the names, I can’t have my boys disrespecting me. Every time that I have caught him liying, and it’s always about work, he just wants to sit and play his PS3. He is not a provider at all. I am the one who is keeping us in this motel. Cleaning houses, doing whatever I can while my kids are in school cause I have to be there to get them off the bus. When we are broke I go looking for cigarette butts or bum one or bum money to get him a pack. He has no compassion, empathy, no respect for me at all. He takes me for granted. I’m the idiot who has stayed with him and let this behavior go on. Cause I can’t leave. I have no where to go. He keeps saying all these other guys have girlfriends and they do everything that want them to do sexually but I’m married and my wife won’t do anything. I keep telling him treat me better. The only problem he has with the marriage is sex, my problems with this marriage not is I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth, the way he treats me. He is never going to change. I’m done but feeling trapped. Help. Lonely, confused, unhappy, sad, heartbroken. I love him but can’t live like this anymore. I want to be happy again. I would rather we be homeless the be with him.
Sherri, we are very sorry to hear all this. First of all, you have to take care of survival. It’s awful to hear the shelter was so hard. We don’t know what country you are in, and we are imagining not the UK from the sounds of it, so we don’t know American charities but there will be one. There are many many charities in Western countries, but the thing is you have to reach out for what they offer. Google charities that help special needs children, women in abusive relationships, do as much research as you can then don’t be afraid to reach out to them or a social worker or however it works in the country you are in. It’s impossible to find the time to work on our core issues if we are having to struggle to survive. When that is sorted, when you do find a place to live, then do what you can to find some sort of counselling. What we are hearing is a very deep rooted lack of self esteem, which will have roots that go back to childhood. We don’t end up in these sorts of situations out of the blue, they happen because we have deep rooted core beliefs about ourselves – there is a strong one here of ‘I deserve to suffer’, for example. Something in your childhood probably taught you this (actually very untrue!) belief. And beliefs like this drive every decision we make and blind us to any opportunity to change. We will in fact sabotage any chance to not suffer…. But it can help to start thinking, what would life look life if you DIDN’T deserve to suffer? Hope that helps.
So that you can get the full story…
I am a lesbian. My wife and I dated for eight years and are married for three. She is bipolar which I knew right from the start. However, as the years go by, the worse she is getting. Her ex-husband and she are too close for comfort and caught her telling a friend that she can’t stop thinking about him. I will be lucky if we have sex five times a year and I am a very sexual person. She gets home from work and is texting or on her computer until bedtime or she goes to the gym and gets home late and does the same thing. I am disabled and can’t work. I have been taking care of our home for all these years. (Cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, dishes, bills, opening the mail and sorting it for her, food shop, etc.) She doesn’t help at all. Just the other day I asked her to put dishwasher detergent in the dishwasher, and she didn’t know where it went. When we argue, she lashes out at me and faults me for everything. I told her I want to leave her and that I am not happy. I had left her twice before we got married. In the past, when I left, she was a totally different person doing everything she had always been doing. Once she gets me back, she goes right back to her old lazy self. She has two girls and her, and her ex-husband always makes appointments for them, so I have to take them. I am a live-in roommate. I am having such a hard time actually leaving because of how she is acting the previous times. And now she threatens me that her ex-husband and her will screw my life even more (he is a sociopath and psychopath for real). If I try to move out if she is here, she will toss everything out the window or break my things and if I do it when she is not here, she will come for me because she knows I only have one place to go. She is literally making me more sick and all my friends and my therapist keep telling me to go out. I also have a hard time just leaving her.
Jen, it sounds a really tough situation, and like you are addicted to the pattern between you, which happens in copdendent/counterdependent relationships. We are glad that you are working with a therapist. When we are in such an addictive relationship we can’t ‘see the woods for the trees’. We don’t see options. Have you and your therapist really looked at all the options? Are their charities you can reach out to, for women in abusive relationships (assuming she really would ‘come after you’) that might help you see some more of those options? And how you could leave while protecting yourself using the law?
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 nearly 6 years. We’re both just 21. He lost his father when we first started our relationship and I was there for him. While we were taking some time apart he had a short relationship with another girl and they slept together (First year of relationship) I decided to forgive him because it happened in the past and we had been working out really well since then. Now he lives in my room with me (Im still living with my parents) and he is just lazy and short tempered, hardly showing me any of the affections he used to. I feel very unhappy but I still very much love him and am attracted to him. I’ve tried communicating my feelings but nothing changes. All I want is for him to be kinder, and to get a place of his own. There are a lot of underlying issues, but the main problem is I always let him back into my life. I’m lonely and cripple right now, so he uses that as a way to get back into my house (Convenience) How should I go about this? Is our constant fighting and his unwillingness actually change a sign we should break up? I feel too weak to do this and even with my mom intervening it seems to be making it worse. Just today he even started being aggressive towards my mom. I wish he’d just work out his issues, but is that too much to expect from a person?
Hi Taylor, reading this what we hear is 1) you are not happy in the relationship 2) you feel you are young to be in such a relationship 3) you are not happy about the fact he cheated, otherwise you would not have mentioned it 4) you don’t accept him as he is. So looking at those facts, it doesn’t seem anything to do with ‘his unwillingness to change’ being a factor in a breakup. That feels like projection, putting your issue onto him. You are unhappy, you have not forgiven him for the cheating, you feel too young for this. These are all valid reasons to end the relationship. As for him changing, the only person we can control and change in life is ourselves. In what way could you work on your own self esteem, your own beliefs about what love is and isn’t, so that the next time you get involved in a relationship it’s one you are happy in?
Im in an 8 year relationship, married two years ago. We have two children together. Ive been unhappy for years. Emotional abuse from both of us. Then physical abuse recently(throwing of things at me, not his hands). But the issues we faced, I felt I faced alone. So much so that the children needed to live with their grandparents. Finances failed. Arguments and screaming is just a norm. Then I made a choice to cheat instead of leave. I dont really regret doing it. Yes. I know. I shouldve just left instead of cheating. But what was done is done. We have gone to counseling many times over the years weve been together. He would change for the better for a little while, then he would go back to being his normal self-indulgent, bullying self. And I was inclined to be more bitchy and defiant. Which caused the choice to cheat. I wanted to be happy. He found out. Said he would change. Which I felt was just a manipulation tactic. Like it always had been. I left after he found out that the affair never stopped. When I left, my husband started threatening taking his own life, threatened to ruin my life, threatened to hurt the guy I was having an affair with, etc… He was giving himself anxiety attacks and needing medication for manic depression and anxiety. He went to the hospital several times. He drove by the guys house, taking pictures of his truck. He said if I came back then we could work on our relationship and be happy together. I just wanted the constant barrage of phone calls, texts, FB messages to stop. I took my SIM card out of my phone to stop him from finding me at a new friend’s home after the last friend I stayed with had to put a trespassing order against him for coming over drunk and high in the middle of the night. He was almost Baker Acted by the police that night. I shouldve let them do it. I was just afraid that his mother(who has temporary custody of my children) may keep my kids from me if I were to do that. I fear having a lot of our assets connected will leave me in severe debt that I cant get out of. I fear a long, drama filled court battle for the divorce and for the kids. I just want to avoid it all, but I know that he is too petty and too angry with me to care if he makes my life a living hell. I dont know what to do. So I moved back in with him…just waiting for an out that may never come.
Hi HJ, this is a very complicated situation with a lot of trauma and pain. We are sorry to hear you have had to go through all this. We’d suggest that at this point what you need is support just for yourself. Unbiased support in privacy – counselling, or a support group. It’s too much to deal with alone. We’d also suggest googling charities in your country/city for women in abusive relationships (there are signs of emotional and mental abuse in the above) and see if they can give you free advice around your finances and child custody.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now, when we met things weren’t the best on my side mainly because I had just got out of a bad relationship. Within 4 months of talking he said he needed a place to stay for a few days, a few days turned into him staying for weeks which soon led to my roommate asking me to leave. For the next couple of months I ended up sleeping in my car with him because he said he had no were to go. I worked while he sat in my car all day for months, until I got upset and said something to him about doing his part in the relationship. It’s like the more I had to remind him to stay consistent with a job the more he would start arguments, create excuses or compare himself to someone else and along with saying he was adopted.
As a child my parents weren’t really involved all the time , but I didn’t know what it felt like to be adopted. So I felt like a bad person for not at least giving him a chance to prove himself so I stayed.
Before I met him I was very active and social. Now it’s hard for me to hang with my friends, because they feel that he is a user. This soon led to me cutting myself off from family friends and social media to avoid conflict.
It’s been 2 years and we are still sleeping in my car, I’ve tried pulling us up on our feet ,but it’s not as easy as it was when I was by myself. It’s like every time I work he loses his job and creates problems at my workplace just by being in my car. Money is always very low due to the fact that he wants to spend money on smoking and hanging with his friends. He’s a very talkative person, always makes himself known.
This always leads to a physical argument
Along with: Holding me down, Hiding my belongings and saying:
“Your friends aren’t going to be there for you”
“I will kill you if you leave”
“I will kill my self”
“I got a job like you asked, what more do you want?”
“You don’t make sense”
“Your going to be better off then me”
“You act like your so perfect”
Eventually I just get tired of fighting and begin to agree with everything so he can stop. I guess I’m asking how do I deal with this situation without getting myself hurt. I’m not sure if I’m going crazy but I feel like something is wrong here. One minute he is nice and charming, and the moment he feels criticized by my words of encouragement he begins giving the silent treatment and gets very defensive & violent. I really wanted us to come together so we can get out this situation, but it seems like he’s just focused on himself all the time.
Age: 24
Dallas, TX
Hi Latoyah, as you are sensing, this is far from a healthy relationship. There is not just something wrong, there is a lot wrong here. We’d suggest you do some research on what’s called codependency, and codependent relationships. Often when we grow up with parents who don’t give us the attention we really need and deserve as a child, we learn to be ‘good’ and to please in order to ‘win’ love. This means we end up as adults who have a belief we have to save and help others to be loved. When this is not the truth. The only thing we have to do to be loved is to be ourselves, and a healthy relationship is not something we have to suffer in. We’d highly suggest you do what you can to find some support for yourself. A counsellor you can talk to. Friends and family can be too involved in our life, whereas a counsellor is a safe space outside of it all to just let everything come out. Codependent relationships are highly addictive, and can be very hard to get out of. If there is physical abuse and threats going on (threatening to kill himself if you leave), then you really do need that support. If you have no money look for a charity that helps young people, or google ‘low cost counselling’ along with your post code. We wish you courage.
I don’t know what to do. I know I am in a unhealthy relationship with mental abuse. If I say anything I be called stupid or I don’t know crap which is mildly explained what words he really uses, if I do anything and all I do is go out the house to sell a product or food store he will call me three times in an hour, at home don’t matter how hard I work and clean and sort he always comes home and complains about something and curses he gets heated real easy. I finally stopped to hand all my money over to him and he says I am worth nothing if I don’t help financial but I do pay my bills and the rest put in my account and he is super angry with that. I have a child not from him but he raised her with me since she was 2 years old now she is 11 and she loves him buy don’t want to hear us fight every day and I am ready to go I am finally after all those years ready to leave the boyfriend and found peace inside me and now my child is crying when I told her soon I am ready to go with you sweety and she said I don’t want you to be unhappy mommy but I don’t want to leave him either . After her words I smiled at her and said o. K baby but inside my self I was crying knowing I need to stay I can’t break this child’s heart. What should I do, I am so done being abused and talking to him about it is like talking to the wall so he will never change. I am in between a hard session and scared if I fail alone out there with her she will hate and blame me for everything. I come from a horrible childhood with phisical, mental and sexual abuse and three times as a child almost got killed from my own patent. Been rapped when I was 4 years old and last time age 21 and was married back then for 14 years in a bad relationship and the father of my daughter is not in our life he tried to kill me and this one now I’d better then the other thwo but I am, done being put down, not living like a normal woman lives and no love period from him but a tap on my back and saying to me by baby I be home later I love you. I mentally can no more.
Manuela, this all sounds so, so hard. We are sorry. It sounds like you’ve never had a break in life. But it also sounds like you are tremendously powerful person and you should be proud of yourself for being here, for soldiering on, for doing your best. What you need more than anything is support. This is just so much to go through on your own steam. Do you have someone to talk to? We’d highly suggest you give a google in your area for support groups for women in codependent or abusive relationships and for charities for women and mothers in bad relationships, give them a call. They might be able to help you find free or low cost counselling or have a support group you can attend. It can be such a relief to talk to other women going through the same thing. As for staying for your daughter, think about being on a plane. If there is trouble the oxygen masks fall. Parents have to put on their own masks first to be able then take care of their kids. The idea being that the best way we can be there for others is to take care of ourselves. If you are sure the time is now to leave, then you’ve got to do what you need to survive. If she doesn’t understand now, she will when she is older. We wish you courage.
I have a problem controlling my emotions, Generally, I am in control, but not with my girlfriend. I can’t stand her silent treatment when she’s upset. Ordinarily she gets overcritical about me and even if shes joking, I take it to heart. I try to do the most on the fear of her getting upset, but it always ends up in her silence. Then I can’t control myself, I think of harming myself and sometimes do anything to gain her sympathy so she’d talk to me. If this doesn’t work I go ahead to hurt her feelings by saying mean things right before I realize and feel remorseful. lately we had the worst fight where we both hurt each others feelings and broke up. I realized I had a problem since I could not ignore the fact that she wouldn’t speak to me and I started the fight that got ugly. I may never get her back, but I sure would like to better myself. Please help, I feel incomplete without her affection and I am afraid that If I ever find someone I may sabotage my relationships on impulse.
hi Harvey, a lot of us are one way with friends and colleagues, but when we open ourselves up to love we turn into someone else completely and feel out of control. It relates to childhood. It might be parenting, or trauma. And you sound like you are dealing with impulsivity, as well as low self-esteem and a sense of abandonment, so we suspect there is a fair amount of stuff that needs processing so you can realise why you act the way you do and learn how to make different choices and relate in healthier ways. In other words, the person who can help you best here is you. You need to make the decision to deal with this and seek proper support, not just someone sending a comment over the internet. We suggest you look into different forms of therapy and find a counsellor or psychotherapist that you feel you might grow to trust. As these sorts of deep rooted patterns don’t tend to resolve if we ignore them, they require real commitment and work. And you can also work with your therapist on looking at why you’d choose to even date someone who stonewalled you in the first place, as that is not healthy either. But the ideas you have on what love is, developed in childhood, will be driving those choices too. We wish you courage!
I’m in a unhappy relationship. I find that if I am upset by the actions of my partner I am manipulated into feeling I have overreacted and have no right to be upset. If I disagree I am ignored until I respond with a apology or just agree that I had no right to be upset. I know that I hold no real importance in his life but I cannot seem to leave. Please help.
Hi Aimee, we can’t fix this for you over a comment box, as this sort of behaviour usually stems from the things you learned about love as a child. It’s deep, powerful stuff, that won’t be fixed in a day. This is undoubtedly an unhealthy relationship you are in, and addictive. So what you need to do is get support. Proper support, not just friends. Support that helps you recognise the deep hidden beliefs you have about yourself and others and gives you the tools to start to change those beliefs to more helpful ones. Otherwise even if you do manage to leave you’ll probably just choose the same sort of relationship again. Can you find a counsellor you can afford? If you are on a budget, read our article on how to find low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy We wish you courage!
I have been with my partner for over 22 years and have two grown up children. I have been unhappy with our relationship for many, many years but for some reason am unable to find the courage to leave. My partner will be devastated and the thought of the fall-out fills me with dread. I think my lack of courage stems from not wanting to hurt her and a livelong fear I have of conflict. I know I’ll never be happy in the relationship but don’t know how to move forward. I am that unhappy I have made the decision to leave her everything so there will be no messy legal wrangling. All I want is to be free.
William, change is scary. No doubt about it. But so is the prospect of staying in a really unhappy situation. As for leaving her everything, that sounds like a choice made from guilt. And in our experience, choices made from guilt don’t actually work. We don’t feel better about what we are suffering guilt over, and we later regret the rash decision. Have you thought about other options? Like having a few sessions with a counsellor to talk this over and gain some clarity and confidence? This is more than worthy of some sessions and you might be amazed at what a relief it feels to just get this off your chest in the safe, non judgmental space of a therapy room. And we feel a lot of far deeper issues here than just the relationship. There seems to be low self-esteem, guilt, an inability to be in your personal power. Leaving the relationship might be the solution, it might not – these things might just follow you. Best to know. You might even want to consider couples therapy. Did you know it is just as useful for navigating breakups as for staying apart?
I’ve been in a relationship on and off about 2 1/2 years with someone I work with. We have a hard time understanding each other and the communication rarely seems to meet my needs. He often says he will do something and then fail to keep is word on a number of things from small to large scale. It has escalated to even because verbal and physical during our arguments over time. To start, he broke up with me when my parents were visiting the first time bc he thought I was being to much and mean to him since I wanted him to prioritize family time since it was the first time meeting them, but he wanted to drink with his friends. Then we talked again and he broke up with me on Thanksgiving before we go to my family’s house. I started seeing individual therapy because I was worried about the effects of my previous relationship, low self esteem and anxiety. He was happy I was going to therapy and then told me he wanted to get back together and that he was sorry for not being kinder about my anxieties. Then we are back together but he still fails to meet my expectatations of what he says he going to do. I had always had a problem with his drinking and he would start yelling when he’s getting angry. I think he took a break with me again sometime in March and then was like I have too much pride and wanted to get back together after we had a chat when we were out with friends. During the summer I wanted to take a trip home to the east coast and I wanted him to come and actually spend time with my family. He said that he would look at tickets and request time off but we got into a minor silly argument and then he said he didn’t think he should come with me which still makes me so sad bc I am extremely close with my family. I told him he was being selfish and he breaks up with me. Then (before I go home) he starts coming around again and says what would it look like for things to work out and I said I really need him to try to come to my parents with me and he said ok but work was an issue for time off. And I said well you need to put the effort real hard bc I’ll be upset if I can see how you can rearrange the schedule with to come even for 4 days. (I had previously done a similar trip he wanted me to join for 4 days ). He agreed and then didn’t follow through. Then he chose to ignore me when I was on my trip bc I would be crying most of the time when we talked bc I was upset that he didn’t actually try so he decided not to talk to me until the end when he knew I was coming back. Then he wants to be together but didn’t want to label it and he goes on a trip and tells me to join to visit HIS family in the Midwest and I looked at the schedule and asked people ahead of time if they were wanting and extra shift or work so I can go and I was able to go for 4 days and really made the effort. Then with his family he kept saying I was his girlfriend and I was like so am I or just for your family and he was like yeah fine you are. Then we still argue and I say we should try therapy together bc I don’t understand him and I want to understand how to be better. We go only twice and during it he says that’s one way to show the effort that he loves me and wants to work out , and this effort that is very clear to me that he’s doing something for the relationship. I ask him how he feels and he said he liked the therapist and he didn’t feel any more weird than normal to share things. A couple days later and right before Christmas he breaks up with my bc of a conversation I bring up about expectations. I told him why wouldn’t we just continue therapy and not break up, but he doesn’t want to . Then we don’t talk for a while and we work together so it’s hard , and I started being okay with the break up and crying less and try to be strong and do things for myself, I even started trying another individual therapist to get another perspective. He comes around when he knew I was hanging out with our mutual friend. I asked him why he’s there and he said he thinks about me all the time and is sad how things play out. I told him how hurt I was and that he only went 2x to therapy ( which I was appreciative of) but that’s not enough to start doing the real work. Then later we run into each other randomly and he comes to hang out with me and then we start hanging out but he tells me for like 2 months he only wants to be friends. But at a coworker employee even he is super PDA and treating me like his GF and I was happy and confused then the next day he says no I only want to be friends. This happened a couple weekends in a row too. So I feel crazy and hurt he leaves for a week for a work trip and then doesn’t talk to me until the day before he gets back while I’m feeling crazy and like wow he really doesn’t want to be with me. I ran into someone I had met before we got together , and that guy asked me on a date. While I was out with friends my ex BF came to the same place when he was done and I think he saw me talking to a guy I had met before we were together then all of a sudden he decided he wanted to try again and that “there’s a sense of hope” for him now. I asked what changed and he said that i “wore him down”. Although my gut says I think he saw me talking to a guy and got jealous but I brought it up and he said that wasn’t the reason. So I said I want to take it slow and I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for me bc he keeps breaking up with me. I also agree to go on a date with the other guy but I felt guilty and wrong to the point I was honest with that guy about working with my ex who is on and off with me and now again wants to try to be together. And somehow I get wrapped up into his manipulation? or false promises and I’m back hanging with my ex. I plan a trip (travel is a need in my relationship) and all of a sudden my ex wants to join although he hasn’t prioritized my desire to travel with him since I our one trip in the beginning of our relationship. I decide bc we are still in a bad place that I’m going to do my trip alone and was hoping I’d understand more things coming back from solo travel. I kept in touch the whole time and was open and I got home and was tired so wasn’t as loving and he is mad that I’m acting cold but I just got have a like 29 hour trip back home. We work and then our day off he has a surprise visit from a friend and I said of course we can hang with him, he’s here for one day even though it’s our first day off together after me being away 2 weeks. He definitely has cut back on his drinking by this time, but it’s still sometimes and issue. Then on Tuesday ( he usually has like a boys night while I work) I ask him to not get drunk that night. He agreed , we got into a dumb small argument where I said you’re not being aware of what’s going on he stormed out and was annoyed that I wasn’t listening to him but I had to get back into work. Later he sends me a long text but I had been working and I like talking in person I sent a sad face , he sent one back, I asked what he was doing (bc I wanted to talk) and he says he’s at the bar by our job. And then doesn’t invite me and I knew he’d be drunk. So I go there with coworkers and sure enough he is and he said plans changed and he was upset. And I said that doesn’t validate you making this decision and it’s hurtful to me. He gets angry I told him I could drive him home he slams my door so hard that he breaks a couple things and he is screaming at me. I told him I had not wanted him to drink bc I wanted to be able to have a real conversation but that can’t happen when he’s drunk. and I said it wasn’t cool that you’re also hanging out with these girls I don’t know and it hurts me. He’s still mad and trying to walk away from me and I’m so pissed I like grabbed his hat and threw it to get him to talk to me . And he rips my shirt and then we go back to his house and he does this rant(bc he’s drunk) about how much he loves me and I just find it a little weird and not really making send. The next day we end up fighting and he’s yelling so hard in my face I push him away and he shoves me back so hard I couldn’t get up right away. And he says it’s over we can’t do this he said he’s a terrible person so I leave . The next day we work together. At something point he was snappy and he was my manager and I told him hey it’s fine if you change your mind but please don’t be snappy and rude you could say it differently and kindly. He said it was because I was standoffish and weird that he was rude. And I said that doesn’t justify rudeness and yeah it’s weird between us and again he’s like arguing and raises his voice I leave bc I get cut first. I got get a drink with my friend bc I was upset and then he texted me a long text I didn’t read right away bc another friend came and wanted to hear about my trip bc I hadn’t seen her yet. Then he texts me again while I was writing back saying it’s not cool to ignore him. I explain he was still at work , I was going to respond , I ran into friends told them about the trip , I was thinking of how to respond as to not escalate the situation. He says no just admit you were arguing and it goes back and forth like that and I said if it makes you feel better I will say it just so you’re happy even though it’s far from the truth. I always reply and I don’t like to ignore you bc I hate how that feels I was just thinking about it next time I’ll just write and say I will respond I need more time to make if more clear if that’s what you need. Then he’s still angry I go to his house to try and talk but then he says I can’t stay long and he is meeting up with a friend to drink and I was confused he’s so mad a this “ignoring” but then doesn’t want to talk with my and postpone his drink. I said if he had been home I would’ve left where I was to chat with him . He gets mad and says that I’m not respectful of his wants and needs and then I stupidly act like a crazy person and said find I’ll go with you and your friend to the bar and he said fine but he’s super annoyed . We spend the walk with him yelling at me and still saying I’m at fault for ignoring him and I shouldn’t go to his house . Some random lady saw the fight and stopped him bc she was worried he would hurt me and took me with her to chat and talked about experiencing abuse and that’s what it is and I still am unsure besides the physical , what is verbal or even emotional abuse. My therapist has told me he’s emotionally abusive and asked if i could identify it and I really can’t or if I do and try to explain to him he says it doesn’t make sense. So now barely talking again, he said he was wants to seek therapy on his own for the violent behavior he’s had . And he says we can’t be together but he still wants a relationship. I told him counseling together is the last straw and it really needs effort as well as the individual therapy for his abusive tendencies. He keeps saying he will “seek therapy at his own volition” and he hasn’t quite got the feeling he needs to go and start making appointment. Which absolutely blows my mind bc he admits he needs it and will go and he wants to be with me but first wants to address his issues on his own time when he wants. And doesn’t really want to go together until that happens and said the last time we went he felt the therapist was biased . Although I asked him then and he said she seemed neutral. SO I feel hurt and that he doesn’t really want this relationship if he can’t make the decision to really get the help needed and I feel overall confused and completely stupid for even wanting to put effort in all the ways for someone who doesn’t reciprocate the same effort. But he’ll get so mad and says that he’s trying just as hard. Then he says confusing things like he actually does want a relationship but he doesn’t always gets what he wants and he doesn’t know what to do to make the relationship better and I say I don’t think it’s possible without a mediator to work through the long term tougher issues so we aren’t abusive to one another and have a safe place to express how we feel and be able to understand. But he wants time and he said he doesn’t expect me to wait so it’s fine if I don’t . So the I feel he doesn’t really care if he loses me and this is messing with my head over and over again. And I’m pathetic for wanting to work things out at all considering how much damage there is and I really think he will not prioritize me and is kind of selfish. 🙁
I have been unhappy in my relationship for many years. Particularly with our sex life, intimacy, and communication and conflict. I have tried on a number of occasions to resolve matters and suggested professional help which was rejected by my wife. Her attitude was always ‘you knew what you were marrying’.
I have recently had an affair which was discovered by my wife. I realise how badly I have handled this situation and seen how much I have hurt my family which has left me feeling incredibly guilty for the hurt I have caused.
My wife is devastated and now says she would like to work on repairing the damage of my affair and some of the underlying issues behind our relationship problems.
My dilemma is I really dont think I want to try again. I feel empty towards my wife, all feelings have gone. I feel like I ‘checked out’ a long time ago. I again feel incredibly guilty though that I am not taking up her generous offer to work on things. And feel awful for my children. I wonder if I will regret not trying again – but fear if I do try again I will only be going through the motions.
Hi there. So first things first – you are caught up in ruminating, obsessive thinking. In fact this might be the longest comment someone has ever left on our site. We don’t say that as judgement, but to show you that this level of obsessively going over every detail of he did this, I did that, he said this, he said that, is not healthy. You are, from the looks of it, heavily addicted to the pain this situation is causing you. This is an addictive relationship with strong codependency. Your real obsession, despite half hearted attempts to go to therapy but switching therapists and not staying the course, is to change him, not yourself. You can’t change another person. Ever. The only person you can change is you. You are trying to control him, and you blame him as the bad one and you as the long suffering one and victim. Please read our articles on the victim mentality http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized. Trying to control someone and make them fit your needs makes you just as responsible ,even if you would like to tell yourself you are powerless. In fact you are exerting a lot of power here. So we’d say this would all come from much deeper childhood issues where you were taught that love is difficult, love is pain, and love is controlling others. We are surprised your first therapist didn’t manage to show you all this, but maybe you didn’t stay in session long enough. We’d say, again, look into codependency http://bit.ly/codependentall addictive relationships http://bit.ly/relationshipaddict, and victim mentality. And then stick the course with one therapist even if it’s uncomfortable. It will be, as you are going to have to face up to your own responsibilities and choices. That will take courage and commitment. We wish you luck.
Marcus, we really appreciate how honest you are being. Life and relationships can truly be tricky, and we can find ourselves in situations we never thought we would be in. Where do we go next? You are on the right track as it sounds like you are trying to hear what you really want, instead of making guilt-based choices, but it still sounds like you are suffering, understandably so. Here’s the one thing we would suggest here – to do that couples counselling she said no to then, now. Not in an effort to stay together, if you are sure it’s not for you, but because couples counselling is also very useful for navigating a good ending. It can mean you can walk away sure and clear-minded instead of drowning in guilt. And with peace between you instead of a war that affects the kids. If you don’t want that, then perhaps a few sessions with an individual counsellor, alone, might give you the clarity you need and create the space to truly unload this guilt and confusion. We wish you luck!
Thanks for sharing this post, is very helpful article.
Glad it was of use.
Hi, I do not know where to start. Honestly I am at the point where I feel like i am driving myself insane with everything for almost 4 years I have been dealing with my relationship we met in 2015, 2017 I had my daughter…I knew when he first hurt me and cheated I should of left but love is blind right? Almost 2 months into our relationship he ended things said he has feelings for a “friend” and that he felt bad for being with me and having feelings for her, i was hurt and broken two months past since us being separated and i was starting to feel like my usual self and became happy as i was before meeting him, well i fell for it i ended up taking him back, a month into our relationship after fixing things i find out he left me for a co worker he didnt even really know just was a “sex thing” i was hurt of course i have a kind hurt i forgave him but over time just more and more things happened long story short, when i was pregnant in 2017 he cheated on me the entire time one with a girl off tinder app then the other one who was his co worker she was like his (side chick) my entire pregnancy and even after it he was off and on sleeping with her i did not find that out till December 2018. What is wrong with me why do i still love this person? He also has become verbally and emotionally abusive he does not like to hear what i have to say when it comes to my emotions, he degrades me and says mean things about my body honestly why do i still love someone like this knowing its wrong ? It is hard to cut this person out because we have a child but i need some type of advise because there is no trust i cannot trust him but yet i love him, most people would just move on like normal people but me i am stuck and he is not hes doing whatever he wants not hurting like i am
Hi Mercedes, if we grew up in an unstable household or with parents who are unable to love and care for us the way we need we take on the message that love is painful. Then we grow up and choose painful relationships and tell ourselves it is love. it isn’t. We highly advise you seek some sort of counselling to help you build your self-esteem and gain new insight into taking care of yourself.
Im in my early 40s and divorced. I now live with a new girlfriend of 2 years. I know I have problems of low confidence, low self esteem, loss of sex drive. I want to leave the relationship and let my girlfiend find someone better, I dont want a relationship ever again. But because of my low confidence I cant confront her to tell her the truth. I somehow manage to smile through it and keep riding a “want to stay, want to leave” ride. Shall i just leave one day when shes at work and never come back?
Hi John. You say you want to leave her ‘to let her find someone better’. And are blaming it on ‘low self confidence’. But somehow we suspect there are other reasons you are not happy here and you are blaming it on low self confidence as no one would take off out of the blue just based on low self confidence if they only thought someone else could do better. So maybe looking straight at those other reasons is more helpful. If she is manipulating you or using you, or being unkind to you, and you feel unhappy, then by all means leave. On the other hand, you say “I don’t want a relationship ever again”. So it sounds like you are really suffering and have had a string of bad relationships, which would likely connect to childhood. If in childhood we were taught that ‘love’ is suffering, we’ll constantly choose relationships where we suffer. But this is not love, and we can change this. It’s just that we need support. We’d highly recommend you reach out for support, consider seeing a counsellor or therapist who can help you get to the root of relationships that make you feel awful. Otherwise, even if you do stay alone, you are going to continue to feel bad about yourself. You deserve better.
I’m in a 2 year relationship. I’m constantly fighting myself if I want to leave or stay. There is no passion left, we dont cuddle, hold hands or anything that makes me feel like I’m in a relationship. We bicker all the time and I constantly feel like he is belittling me. He cant keep a job but still acts like me working means nothing cause when I am home I’m always tired. But I still care for him, I’ve built a life with him. He has been faithful (which most my previous relationships haven’t). I dont know what to do. If I decide to leave I dont know where I would go, my closest relative is an hour and a half away from where I work.
Hi Savannah, what makes a relationship work is that you share values. So it seems you share loyalty. But you don’t share ideas around affection? Do you talk about these things? In calm, non confrontational ways?Do you share other values as well as loyalty? If you were eighty years old, what would you tell yourself about this relationship? And if you met your 5 year old self, what would she say? And finally we’d say look at your other relationships. If this is a pattern – if you always want to leave, always obsess on the negative, always end up without physical attention, always date deadbeats? It could bet that you need to look at your own beliefs about love. You might be creating these sorts of relationships yourself without realising it. And leaving him means you’ll just find the next one like him If this is the case, we would say it would be a great idea to do some therapy over this. Patterns can be hard to break ourselves. Good luck.
I have been in my relationship for 3 years come July this year and I am exhausted.
At a year we decided to move in together, we found a apartment in between our original suburbs and jazzed it up with some new furnishings etc. literally the week we move in and his new job tells him he is now FIFO, 10 days to 4 days at home. From that point it was hard I tried everything I could but the sex stopped, the dating stopped, the random acts of kindness stopped. I went to therapy to work on myself and after a year suggested he do the same. 2 sessions in he quits.
Then at the 2.5 year mark we decide we need a break from working let’s travel the world! So now I am in Italy a foreign country with no sex, no dates, no help cooking our food, no help planning the next destination and I’m exhausted. We fight every week same fight I am not feeling loved. I want to end it but am crippled with anxiety when I do! Specially since our finances, families, belongings are intertwined and well how the hell do you seperate that whilst abroad.
I’m not happy I fantasise about going on dates with other people, but I love him as I don’t have any real other family aside my grandparents.
Hi Marie, there are two parts to this. On one hand, not feeling loved, feeling used and abused and put upon, feeling it’s his responsibility to make you feel good and loved….that feels a much deeper pattern at work. Is it possible that it relates to childhood and pervades all of your relationships, not just this one? So we obviously can’t say, based just on a comment, if this is a relationship that is or isn’t worth saving. That is up to you. And if this is your pattern, the truth is that you would then create another similar relationship, and sometimes it’s best to work through the one we have. Of course as you said, you did therapy and he wouldn’t, so that is not a good start…Then to address the idea of women being terrified to leave – we find a lot of women become crippled with fears they can’t be financially independent or survive alone. It’s hardly surprising, we are unconsciously fed this idea from childhood. But the moment we realise we can save ourselves and we are our own Prince Charming is when a big shift happens. Either the relief at realising we don’t ‘need’ the other person but want them lowers the stress in the relationship so we start to get along, or we realise we really can leave. We’d imagine if you translated all the time spent fighting, doing all the planning and cooking, etc, into taking care of yourself, you’d be just fine, and could manage all the admin of a breakup step-by-step and day-by-day. Finally, we’d suggest that if your anxiety is really overwhelming you do a few quick counselling sessions to help you clarify your options and wants and feel sure of yourself. Online therapy means you can find English help from anywhere, even Italy. Good luck!
I have been in a 5 year r/ship. We got engaged 3 years ago and he broke it off, stating that I am unable of constructive communication. I went into therapy for the first time ever, because I have suffered from childhood trauma, emotional and physical abuse at a very young age. But I have always tried to keep my head above water and always wanted to have my own happy family. One of the things I found out during therapy is that I feel I am unlovable. At the same time, part of me realises that’s not true. Fast forward a bit, my ex and I talk things through and we get back together. Since then, i have spent a ton of money visiting him and doing my best, even by making mistakes and all, to have positive communication. This spring we decided that we wanted to end the distance and get married. Then, just a week ago, he goes back to listing each and every time I failed to communicate positively. He accuses me of not caring for his feelings. And he calls off everything. I feel devastated, partly because he doesn’t appreciate who I am, what i’ve gone through and the work I put in every day to be a better person. partly because I feel he will always find an excuse to not get married and point the finger at me. I love the good side of him. But i feel i can’t trust him, that he doesn’t realise he has weaknesses too that I don’t dwell on. I would like to leave him. At the same time I wonder if I should stay and do as he says. Whatever that is.
Hi Ana, if we have a deep rooted belief we are unloveable we will unconsciously seek out relationships that prove that is true, which seems exactly what you are doing here. And we’ll then go into victim mentality, http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized, which is an energy that then attracts the next unhealthy relationship where we don’t feel secure. We’d highly suggest you continue with that therapy and work at raising your self esteem. All the thinking in the world about him won’t achieve a thing because the only person who you can control and change is yourself.
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. He cheated on me and I forgave him. A few years later I found out he was doing it again. When confronted, he would tell me I was crazy and making it up. I had proof. But he never spends time with me and the kids, he constantly blames me for everything. And he chooses his family over us and he says it’s my fault. Ex. Our kid got hurt and he wouldn’t answer the phne. His reason was well u shouldn’t have pissed me off earlier. I did leave him a message saying it was urgent. So now frm the time he gets up til the time I go to bed all he does is cuss and fuss and blame me for everything. I’ve tried communicating with him but he’s turns it around on me. I feel trapped and my self worth is gone!! I feel like I’m a nobody and my kids are noticing it. We have 3 kids. I tried to leave one day because I had enough I was crying and he looks at me and starts laughing at me. And says I brought it on Myself. Ever since that day I stopped crying in front of him and have been trying to find a way to leave. I worked my butt of to get a good vehicle at tax time and I know it’s ours. But he called someone yesterday and is going to try and put it in their name and I won’t have a vehicle. He try’s to control me and I have no one and I mean no one. I know I need to leave because we are starting to get violent with one another. And I don’t want our kids growing up thinking it’s okay to be treated like this. They deserve better frm is as parents. He says he loves me but he also says he tired of me. I don’t know what to do. I did call cps once and they basically couldn’t help as far as housing and stuff becuase I would have to pay something. I have no income and no sitter. But when I first got pregnant I did have a job. He told me to quit and he take care of everything. But recently I caught him texting two girls one was 17 and the other had just turned 18. When he texts he words it differently so it’s not like he asking them for sex but he is. He cried and swore on our lives it would never happen again and the next night he texted someone else nasty messages. What advice can you give me? I’m alone all the time and my youngest is two so it be a while before he can start school. I feel trapped inside these four walls. But he’s been doing this the entire time we was together and it’s taken this long for me to stand up and say I’ve had enough. That’s why I started fighting back and it causes more issues.
Do you notice how this entire email is along the lines of ‘he did this he did that he did this he did that…” You are are not just trapped in this relationship, your thoughts are trapped. You have become obsessively focussed on him, on what he does and does not do. This is normal in highly unhealthy relationships. Here’s the thing…. you cannot control him, you have no control at all over what he does and does not do or does and does not say. You cannot change him. The only person you can control and change is you. So do whatever you can to shift your thoughts over to yourself and taking care of yourself, and get any and all support you can find to figure out what you want next and how you can take steps to make that happen. We’d suggest seeking a charity that helps women in difficult situations and relationships. They can hopefully direct you to free counselling or a free support group. Google support groups in your area and charities that help women in difficult domestic situations. If he is as controlling as you say then a charity will help you with the next steps forward.
My partner and I argue all the time. We argue because I get upset because he’s not turned up when he says he will or because I caught him lying about something insignificant or because he is ignoring me. When I try to talk to him about this he becomes very defensive, tells me I always criticize him and that he has to watch every single thing he says and does. Then he needs a few days of no contact to get over the hurt I caused him and will often say that he is considering whether or not to leave me. During these days I become increasingly upset and depressed whilst I wait to hear if he’s going to finish with me or not. He says he doesn’t trust me now. I don’t know what to do, when it’s good it’s great but the arguments are happening frequently and are always followed by a period of no contact which I can’t cope with.
Ellie, it sounds like you two have communication problems. Also, this is not an uncommon pattern, ‘woman monitoring and disproving of man who then punishes woman by withdrawing’. The thing is, this pattern will be ingrained in you as a way of trying to get love, and it will go back to childhood. We’re willing to bet this isn’t the only time this pattern has appeared for you. Use our search bar to find our article on ‘anxious attachment’. You’ll see yourself in it, and probably see your partner in the description of avoidant attachment. It’s a common coupling. So leaving the relationship, well, you will probably just end up in another relationship with the same issue. Two things here. One, couples counselling, if he would be interested. You two need to learn to recognise what the other needs, and how to provide it. Or just counselling individually. You might also want to look into a book by Allison Armstrong, “The Queen’s Code”, which is about communicating with men in ways they actually hear. Good luck!
We had a long distance relationship for 2 years & I loved him a lot (more than my life) but he said we couldn’t marry then we separated from each other (Just before 15 days ago). He never known my birthday & never asked me, it hurt me a lot but I never complained. When we were in touch he kept a birthday status late-night for her friend (girl), next day I saw that he kept the status with love song & that girls photos were in video & kissing emoji below the status.I was died on that moment.I saw it at 8.30am before leaving home for job & cried whole day.I didn’t called him. Just replied status that it was my mistake that I loved him. Finally at afternoon I called him & asked who that girl was, he said very easily that there was nothing serious, she was just a childhood friend. I said then how could you dedicate a love song with kissing emoji to your friend? He refused to answer & convinced me that there was nothing between them. Our conversation ended as he said he would call me later. After that day I realized that I was nowhere in his life & decided to disconnect our love for lifetime. Today I was thinking about his birthday which will be in next month.I googled it & found you answer & you guided perfect. Same thing I was thinking. My wish will be nothing for him so I am not going to wish him at all.I still love him unconditionally but as we were never going to stay lifetime I am learning to live without him. I would like to know your advice.
Hi Jeniffer, a big red flag for us is you saying you loved him ‘more than my life’. And also that this is a long distance relationship. A healthy relationship requires slowly getting to know someone in person. And real love is not about pain, or about loving the other person more than our very selves. That is addiction and codependency masquerading as love. we recommend you read our guide to healthy relationships here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm
Hi,
I read your post and have read some of the comments and whilst it was all really helpful, I still feel pretty desperate in regards to my own situation.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now and to start with, it was really good, we were both open and caring and there for one another, our relationship really nourished me. But then it was as if my partner started to slowly unravel in front of me – his moods got worse and worse, he stopped being able to meet and by a year and a half we had a very difficult dynamic of him being depressed and not being able to be there for me whatsoever and me swinging between trying to be really supportive and having emotional outbreaks when I just couldn’t take the onesidedness of the relationship. I have been in therapy and I have been dealing with a lot of things from my childhood, but I don’t feel any stronger in being able to walk away from this relationship – even though I objectively know I could actually be with someone who could be there for me as well and even though I have been pretty miserable trying to push through all this time. Because the thing is, my partner hasn’t changed, his depression got really bad and I’ve been trying to support him and have been imploring him to find help, but he is so entangled in all his fears and prejudices that he isn’t reaching out for any help and is kind of managing to stay alive by isolating himself and self-medicating with cannabis. It’s been going on for so long and it’s been so stressful, trying to support him and getting to know all his darkness has made me feel more heavy too – and so often I’ve felt like I just don’t exist in this relationship. So, it would make so much sense to break up. But I can’t. I’ve tried several times and I can’t. I have such an enormous block. And, frankly, I don’t want to lose him. I know he is still there, behind the depression, and I want him to get better and come back to me. But I can’t make him and I can’t make it happen. So I feel really trapped and that alone is something that I beat myself up about, the fact that this is up to me, but that I guess there is a massive part of me that doesn’t want this to happen – even though I’ve felt so sad and lonely so much of the time while we’be been together. I feel stuck and incapable of doing this. I know it is up to me to change, but I can’t. Is there any advice you could give me?
Hi there, you are right you can’t make him better or make him do anything at all. What we notice in this email is a complete and total focus on him as the problem. And yet you admit you have many childhood problems yourself to the extent you are in therapy. Have you talked this over with the therapist? If this is what is foremost on your mind it should be something you bring to therapy. We’d suggest the possibility that blame is part of the issue here. Blame puts us squarely in victim mode. In order to stay a victim we must put aside all our power. Is it possible you are not low and miserable because of him, as you implicate, but because you yourself are engaging in a pattern, and choosing to do so, and that 50% of this is you? The moment we stop blaming someone else and take full responsibility is the moment we can actually accept how powerful we are to make choices. And then suddenly we feel liberated to make those very choices we could not make when we were making a situation someone else’s fault. Just a thought. And also we note you are obsessing on the negatives. Is it possible there are other positives you don’t share that might be keeping you there? But by sharing them you’d be unable to be a victim? In summary, if you want to stay, stay. It’s your life. At this point in your life, there might be a secret part of you that wants to be unhappy, or feels this relationship is helping you in some other ways you aren’t sharing. We obviously can’t say as we don’t know you. Just be aware that you are responsible for your choices and take full responsibility and go from there.
I’m Ashley
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5years an we have a beautiful 5year old son. I have two older children from a past relationship that I left many many years ago. The relationship I’m in now isnt healthy. There are many trust issues that my boyfriend has due to me sleeping with 2 other guys shortly after having our son when he chose to leave us at the hospital. We weren’t together for 11 months before he decided to come back. An then again he assumes I cheated on him when I had become distant from him an was flirting with a guy at work for a month in a half. The guy kissed me an ughhhh what a mess. But I never told him an then when asked I lied at first about that an about the two I slept with before he came back. Now all these people are putting thoughts in his head an he is looking at everything like I cheated on him. Like I had forgot about a tampon an it was in me for a few weeks. An i had a old number that was found under my bed. Anyways I have came out an told the truth about everything. I dont want to walk away because I feel like it isnt fair that this is happening even thou everyday we fight about the issues that came up an I’m called every name in the book an he tells me he isnt even actuated to me an he never was that he is gonna leave me once he get his settlement. Then it’s like he thinks the only reason why I wanna be with him is because of the money he gets when really my heart an soul truly loves this man. I dont know what to do I dont wanna hurt an live with the thought of him thinking I’m a nothing but a liar an a cheat. What do I do I’m so confused an hurt.
Hi Ashley, it’s a lot of mess, isn’t it? It sounds like a total breakdown of communication and trust. Once couples get stuck into this sort of conflict rut they can stop trying to see each others perspective. And if you have different communication styles, then it can become even harder to find resolution. In an ideal world the two of you would go to a couples counsellor, who could break through this really fast, for better or worse. If not, the thing to keep in mind here is that the only person you have any control over is yourself. You can’t change a single thing he does or thinks, and it’s up to him to decide what he wants. What you can do is read about better communication and do your best to communicate your stance, taking 50% of the responsibility here, not more. And then otherwise we’d say possibly work on your self-esteem, or go see a counsellor yourself. As the truth is these issues of lying etc are only a surface problem. Your relationship was already unstable before all this with major problems by the sounds of it. We’d say it would be a good investment to look at your core beliefs about yourself and your love, and what you do and don’t deserve, and we’d imagine there are a lot of trust issues from childhood here that are creating an attraction to unstable and unsafe relationships, or causing you to ‘push pull’ others, which in and of itself causes an unstable relationship. Otherwise, the truth is that if this relationship did end, you’d end up in the same pattern with someone else (and we’d bet that the relationship before this was similar, yes?) Best, HT
Hi,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. He is mentally disabled and cannot work without anger attacks. With the help of a loan from the government, we’ve bought an appartment together with the goal of getting him back on track. We built a lot of things together, have many pets and things we can’t really split if we were to break up.
At moments in the relationship when we were unstable and depressed, he cheated on me, for a total of 3 times. Since then, i haven’t been able to trust him at all. I’ve recently discovered that he lied to me multiple times about online purchases of over 100$, mainly on porn. We are not wealthy and i work very hard on my own to support both of us, so all that dishonesty really hurt me. He refuses to seek help as it is “too complicated and stressful” to him. I would push him to seek help and he would call me a b*tch and push me around, then curl up in my arms saying he doesn’t know why he’s like that. He told me to leave him, but i can’t seem to be able to take that step at all and he will not do it on his own. He threatened me to kill himself and said it was to make me react. Then he would panic again and apologize. I want out of this, but i don’t know how splitting all our things and paying the bills on my own would be possible. I’m scared of the trauma it would do to me when I’ll leave him, he is emotionally agressive.
I don’t see a way out.
Hi Debra, this is a complicated situation – or is it? Usually we create all sorts of reasons why we can’t leave that seem ‘real’ and entirely paralysing (we don’t have the money, etc) but the real reasons are emotional – fear. For example, if you suddenly had to pay a vet bill for a pet, would you or wouldn’t you find the money? And aren’t you the girl who was resourceful enough she found that grant, got that apartment? When we really need to make things happen, we tend to do so. We stay in relationships because of fear and trauma bonding, and the real fear is often nothing to do with money, housing, etc. And the reason the fear is so big is that it comes from a long history of feeling unsafe and scared and things we learned as children. (If there weren’t patterns of scarcity in both love and money in your childhood, you wouldn’t have ended up in this situation). Long story short, you can’t make him seek support. That’s up to him. But you can make yourself do so. As while your focus here is he did this he did that, what matters here is what you do and did. That’s the only thing you have power over. There is a lot to unpack here on your side (and the fact of the matter is if it doesn’t get unpacked and you did leave, you’d likely just recreate the same pattern with someone else). A counsellor or therapist can help you see the wood for the trees as well as help you stabilise financially and open doors for yourself. If you are on a low budget read our article on how to source free to low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Good luck! You have far more power than you realise.
Hi,
My boyfriend and i have been together for 7 years now. He turned sober off an on after being an alcoholic. Withdrawal meant detached, unknown fears, non communication, silence nothing deep. Gradually with treatment he stated calling ,meeting, shopping and that is all. This year he has started drinking wine- which may be a normal drink to have but i am against it- because knowing him and his friends gang (which involves only heavy drinkers) he will be influenced into hard drinks. We fight – a lot over this and he gives me the cold treatment. I am left depressed, anxious. angry and cry sometimes unable to move to. He doesnt allow me to go to gym or go out anywhere – no friends. He doesnt discuss anything- togertherness, family, finance, support nothing, Hence i am afraid to marry him. I am severely scared to open my mouth to express anything due to fear of being crushed by his anger, Please can you help me move on or something- anything that will stop my tears and anxiety.
Hi Sara, we recommend you read our articles on codependency, and we suggest a classic on this topic, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. At the moment you are revolving your life around him and his recovery/not recovery, and blaming him for everything, when in fact you are the one choosing to be in this situation. It sounds harsh, but it’s an important thing to realise, as it reminds you that you have personal power and are not actually a victim here. We do highly recommend you seek support yourself as the transition to finding your sense of identity outside of codependency can be a challenge. If you are on a low budget read our article on finding low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. You might also find a group for partners of alcoholics in your area. Best, HT
Hi I’m Kate,
I’ve been in a relationship for about 4 years now. We got off to a rocky start because my boyfriend had just broken things off with his ex of 7years. He was constantly lying and still talking to her behind my back And telling her that he lived her still. Her and I didn’t get along otherwise, I don’t think it would’ve bugged me if they talked. We moved in together quite soon after we were seeing each other- maybe 3 months.
After all the lying and heartbreak I ended up staying, it’s against every moral I have and every moral I have ever used in past relationships.
I had a falling out with my family while being with him and I feel this isolated me a little bit, so I had no where to really go. It’s not been 4 years and I’ve had a fair amount of opportunities to leave but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I have also in this time built a fantastic relationship with his mother and sister, which in turn makes things more difficult because they’re about all I have for family, so I’m scared I’m goi to lose them too.
I recently tried to make amends with my family whom I’ve never really had a good relationship with, and he doesn’t agree with it because he says they’ve done nothing but hurt me, but I feel as though I should be supported with whatever decision I make, as I would do for him.
Now don’t get me wrong I am by no means perfect- but I feel as if on the way to where we are now that we both have completely stopped trying and have both acknowledged that we aren’t but neither of us are doing anything about it. But my family even though we have had our differences, means a lot to me. But he refuses to go to family gatherings or anything to do with my family.
At this time I don’t have an out but I am however looking at other guys, I would never talk to another guy or cheat, but I find I keep having thoughts about life elsewhere, with someone that relates to me more.
On another note, I feel that the healthy way to deal with things is to talk about it, where he would rather just pretend nothing happened, which in turn makes me over-think a lot because it’s bouncing around in my head.
I think it’s wearing me down and I’m starting to feel weak not only mentally but physically, and it feels like I have no one in my corner who would be there for me no matter what.
He doesn’t stop me from seeing my friends but he definitely makes me feel bad when I’m with them and I think that I should be able to see my friends without feeling overwhelming guilt.
Something even more complex and complicated is the fact that the only 2 friends he has are his ex of 7 years brothers- who I may add don’t treat him very well.
It is also highly frowned upon for me to go to the gym, which I very much enjoy doing.. and I do continue to go but we fight about it every time.
I know this is going to be a little jumbled and sort of not make sense because I was writing it as it popped into my mind, but I just don’t know why it’s so hard to leave
So here’s the thing – what about you? Are YOU in your corner ‘no matter what’? Or are you waiting for something or something else to come along and save the day? This is a lot of over focus on someone else, as you are aware of by the sounds of it. But we feel that the issue here is with you, and that the best place to start is with you. It sounds like you don’t trust yourself, for starters. It’s possible jumping into an obviously messy relationship so quickly has damaged your capacity to do so. And there is what sounds some low self-esteem going on. As you say, you are finding it very hard to leave so yes, we would recommend talking, but not with your partner, rather with a professional who can help you start to see what you actually want and don’t want and help you raise your self-esteem and heal your self-trust so you can make clear choices. Talking with your partner will likely just go in circles when you are trapped in blaming him for everything and don’t know what you actually want.
Hello! My ex of 7 months was perfect and everything was great. Within the last month or so we were fighting a lot about going out. He always wanted to
Hi Dobry, the red flag for us here is that you say he was ‘perfect’. Sounds like a classic case of rushing into a relationship without knowing someone then getting to know them and having to realise 1) you don’t know them as well as you thought 2) you might not have as much in common as you thought. So it becomes about asking good questions and seeing if you share values or not. And next time getting to know someone slowly. Often if we rush into a relationship it’s because we have addictive tendencies, which might also be at play as we note this comment comes under an article on not leaving when you know you should. In summary, if this is a pattern, well worth talking to a counsellor about. Best, HT
I’m in a codependent relationship with a chronically depressed man who drinks and takes drugs daily. He works a low paid part-time job and stopped caring about this relationship long time ago. I work over 40hrs a week, pay most of the bills, look after the house and our cat but I also have given up on myself and my auto-immune disease. I’ve tried everything to help him. He won’t go to therapy or counselling. I’m burning out to the point any interaction with him gives me anxiety. I would love to leave but I can’t as my life in this country is bound by a marriage visa. He knows it and I think that’s why he just stopped making an effort and fully exploits everything I give.
Hi Charlie, sounds tough. But is it really as black/white as that? For example, you say you have given up on yourself. You want him to go to therapy, but what about you? Couldn’t that help if you’ve given up on yourself? Also, you claim that you are stuck because of a marriage visa. Is that 100% fact? Have you talked to lawyer or charity? In most countries after a certain amount of years you have the right to apply for residency and citizenship.
My husband has severe depression with suicidal ideations. The treatments he has tried did not help so he just gave up. He does love me and really tries to make me happy. But I’m not. Not anymore. I have always been the breadwinner – he is unemployed. He has no friends. He has nothing going on in his life but me and some hobbies to pass the time. If I leave him, I destroy his whole life. I love him too much still to do that to him, but I am so deeply unhappy and I am resentful. I wanted things in our life. I wanted to travel and experience things. We can’t with one income, and he doesn’t want to go anywhere. Last year he started treating me quite poorly (ignoring me a lot, expecting me to make dinner after coming home from work) – I put my foot down and he got spooked enough to start really trying again… but I find I am too resentful to go back to where we were. Part of me just wishes he would leave me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s lose/lose, because he is so dependent on me. He has family but that’s not the point. Moving back in with his mother is not going to make it any better.
Hi Sarah, it’s tough to be in a long relationship with someone depressed and we can be tied down by guilt. Yes. But there is a lot going on in this comment. First of all, is it his job to make you happy? And something you expect? Has this been a dynamic in your relationship since the beginning? Then you say if you leave you destroy his ‘whole life’. He’s depressed, not a child. Doesn’t that totally underestimate any adult? And then you say you wish he would leave you. Aren’t you an adult, who can make this choice for yourself? What we would highly suggest is that you seek counselling yourself. As we don’t end up in these addictive relationships with unwell people unless we ourselves have issues like codependency, which we see going on here. Yes, we get he is suicidal. But still, his life is his responsibility, and his choice, and yours is yours, and sounds like there are very few clear boundaries between you. You are also assuming you know what choices he should and shouldn’t make and what will happen if/when he does (like assuming living with his mother will destroy him while living with a wife who loves him but might no longer like him is better). And if you are that unhappy and staying it might be time to face that you get a lot from this situation, too. First of all, seems you are taking a lot of control instead of leaving him to have choices and face consequences like an adult. Then you get to feel sorry for yourself, you get to avoid taking action toward a life you want, the list goes on. Sorry if it all sounds harsh, but nothing is going to change if you keep putting all the blame on him and not seeing that you are making choices here and are not actually a victim. All things you can look at with the support of a therapist. Best, HT.
Thank you HT for your answer. I needed to hear that. I had made steps to get counselling but with this lockdown going on, all we have available in my community is phone counselling – not ideal when I am at home with my partner 24/7 now and I know I won’t speak freely with him in the next room. I think you are entirely right. I don’t want to be a victim, I can feel myself turning into my mother (who was like that to an extreme). I do think it’s been 10 years of him talking him off a ledge and sacrificing a lot of myself out of honest love at the time… and now after we had a bad year last year I just can’t see it the same anymore. As soon as lockdown restrictions are loosened I will seek out a therapist!
Glad to be of help. It’s definitely hard in lockdown. We suggest things like asking the other person to wear noise cancelling headphones and stay in another part of the house, but that requires a level of trust or a big house! Or for them to take a walk, but that again implies trust and that you have that freedom, such as living in the countryside. Some companies also offer text and email counselling, but seems mostly popular with teens and not for everyone. We’d say seems like just the decision to prioritise yourself is a big step, so be proud about that and let that carry you through for now! Best, HT
I’ve been with my partner for a decade and have wanted to leave for well over a year now, but I am so scared of hurting her. I still love and care about her but I know that I am no longer in love with her, and I feel so trapped and isolated, yet every time I try to imagine breaking up with her, all I can think about is how much it will crush her. While we have previously had very tough periods, she was very depressed for years and even attempted suicide once, there isn’t anything really bad in our relationship right now, which is what makes me feel so guilty and like this is so unjustified. We get on well, have fun together, and I care about her so much and really want her to be happy, but I know myself and I feel so numb to the relationship now, and there is no intimacy whatsoever left. When she tries to initiate sexual things it’s like my body can’t, my sex drive isn’t gone in general but it’s like my brain knows something is wrong so my body can’t work in that way with her. It’s like we’re close friends, rather than partners. I know that due to years of caring for her, my emotions and feelings were always put second, and that wasn’t her fault as obviously she was very unwell, but I almost feel like I’ve buried my feelings for so long it has sort of numbed and depressed me to the core, and I even hold some resentment as a result of that, which feels very unfair and unhealthy. I have tried leaving before but she grows so uncontrollably upset in the convo I end up agreeing to stay, I am scared it could lurch her back into depression or even worse into a suicidal state as well, that’s always in the back of my mind which terrifies me and makes me feel I have no right to do that to her. I wish that I could just have the courage to leave and I even wish I cared less but I feel I can never get past fixating on how much pain it will cause her, which just crushes and overwhelms me. I feel so trapped and I know this isn’t healthy long term, I just feel like I can’t escape and feel so guilty for feeling all of this.
I’m in A marriage for around 11 years but we have been together for 25 years. He has always had a problem with not being faithful. Most of it is online but the things said in his messages just really hurts me. Over the years I’ve dealt with him not working for months at a time causing me terrible stress to try to take care of everything. Saying sexual things to women at his job whenever he works anywhere and online. How much he wants them. What he would do to them etc.He complains about not having enough sex and I understand that and try to do my best to sexually appease him. I know I don’t have sex enough but I’m always trying to make things better. He says he will change but thru the years I’ve learned he will not. I’m pretty much stuck with his behavior. I don’t want to leave but I’m so depressed and wore out from constantly just dealing with all this thru out the years. I don’t trust him at all and it sucks because I’m in a constant state of worrying what he’s doing now. I know this is not healthy. I know I am to blame because I saw most of this before we married and believed he would change he has not and now I’m just in a really bad way with all of it and need a change. I don’t know if I can dig myself out of this hole I’m in. I don’t know if I can find the strength to leave. I recently just broke down and realized I’m mentally in a bad way when it comes to him and with life in general. Idk just hurting a lot
Hi there. So you are extremely unhappy but can’t leave and clearly say, “I don’t want to leave”. You start blaming him for everything then admit you have some responsibility. So there is a lot of swinging back and forth here. We are going to suggest something. That this is nothing to do with him, but with an addiction to pain. That somewhere along the way, before you met him, you decided love was pain and suffering. Perhaps childhood taught you this. That you have to suffer. So you are now addicted to, not him, but suffering. And this is something very few people navigate well alone. We highly, highly suggest you get counselling, it creates a safe space to really access the root of how this is your life and find new ways of being that give you the courage to make new choices without judging yourself for whatever they might be. Also use the search bar to find our articles on trauma bonding. Best, HT.
Hi Oscar, have you heard of the term codependency? It’s where we think we are responsible for another person’s happiness. When in fact we are all, as adults, responsible for our own happiness. Your wife, even if she has depression, is responsible for hers. There is a lot going on here. And a lot of it is far from healthy. We see a lack of honesty and communication, for starters. And you being manipulated but also manipulating as well. To be honest we would highly advise some counselling, and not as we are a therapy company, but because if you don’t sort out the issues we see here you are likely to walk right into another unhealthy relationship. As we’d imagine the roots go back to childhood over this relationship. That you need to question your very ideas of what love is and isn’t and what you do and don’t owe other people. A good counsellor will help you get to the root of all this and give you the tools to make the best choices. Best, HT.
Hello,
I found this blog in 2020. I have only been married over one year. I fell into this emotionally and verbal relationship after ending a previous one. Three months in, I became pregnant. He stayed, but we aren’t happy. I am filing naturalization paperwork for him and I attend school full-time now. He whines about the money he spends, and he is 10 years older than me. I know it is my childhood trauma. I know I have issues that I should fix but now I am in a place where I try to talk to him, and I am more confused than when I started. He withholds so much. I basically talk to myself and he either nods, or always says I don’t know. The desperate need of having a family for my son since I didn’t have one. However, I want him to leave. I want him to , I’ve told him. He thinks I am just mad. My mental health is suffering a lot. I don’t know why he wants to continue to live this way. I want to get better but I think it is impossible if he remains here. I am confused and I have started feeling physical pain due to the sadness and rejection and abuse that comes from him.
Hi there. If you want him to leave and he isn’t, that’s a red flag. You need support here. Are you in the UK? If so please talk to your GP and ask for mental health support. And then call your local Mind chapter and see if they might also help set you up with some sort of support. Let them know you want to leave your partner, have a small child, and your partner won’t leave. We aren’t sure if you have already had your son. Note that during and after pregnancy hormones play a huge part in affecting mood. And it is really important to get help if you are feeling really unhappy. If you aren’t in the UK, google for a charity that helps families and give them a call. Note that schools in USA and UK and Canada etc almost all provide free to low cost counselling which is another place to ask. There is also a lot of support for young mothers, have you looked at what your school offers? Best, HT.
I have been in a relationship with my ex for 7 years. When we first met I was so happy because during the time I had just given birth (child not his), 7 months prior. He use to text me day in and day out. I have never had a guy to say the things that he did. He started coming around doing thing for me and my child. It was like love at first sight. Some things happened where I lived so we decided to get our own place. He decided to let a family member live in so it started to get crazy. He would leave me(pregnant) and my kid(not his) home all the time. He worked night shifts so I was home alone most of the time. Like a few months into my pregnancy he cheated. In fact he cheated for 7 years. We broke up a few days ago. And even though after finding out he cheated the first I still stayed and tried to work it out. We got past it. But he would always be texting, sexting, and flirting with other women. I felt low and at this moment I still do. He cheated twice when I during both pregnancies. He said he love me but he was always finding time to be with other women. I just want to understand why do I feel so angry. He left last week on Veterans Day after a huge argument and it got pretty physical. He said he would kill me. I don’t understand what I did to make him so mad that he would do and say the things he did. He hasn’t been to see the kids because of what happened. He hates me… but I love him. And I know that I have to move on. I’m just having a hard time is all. Can someone please help me so I won’t do nothing crazy like leave town and never come back
Hi Juicy, what did you learn love was growing up? As what we hear here is that you were betrayed, lied to, and had your life threatened, are being treated with hate, were physically hurt by this man, and yet you feel you are in ‘love’. We could make a good guess your childhood had challenges in it. That perhaps your household was unstable, that you didn’t receive the constant love and care you deserved for being yourself but had to ‘earn’ attention from the adults taking care of you, or perhaps experienced some sort of neglect and/or trauma. You see you are exhibiting signs of codependency or even trauma bonds. With trauma bonds, we confuse trauma for love. We don’t know the difference or what love and a healthy relationship really is because it was never modelled to us by the adults around us when were a kid. And we become addicted to people who treat us badly. Use the search bar to find our articles on trauma bonding. You need to reach out for support. See if there is a charity that helps women in your area that might be able to put you in touch with someone to talk to. And you need a back up plan. If a man physically harms you and threatens to kill you you have to take that seriously and have a way to get to safety if it escalates. Also consider calling a help line for advice, we think you are not in the UK, but if you are, we have a list of UK helplines including ones for women here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If not, google for one near you. Finally, if a time arises you feel your life is really in danger call the police. There is nothing normal about a man hurting then threatening to kill a woman, these are huge red flags, and you must take it seriously. Best, HT.
Hey I am 23 years old and have been on and off with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has a 3 year old because in the mist of us first getting together we both was seeing other person’s until we made it official. Now I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore he has bad anxiety and gets really anxious when I’m out to the point I feel controlled because he constantly calls and gets mad when I’m not home. He has hit me multiple times and the last time I called the police and left but he still stayed at the apartment that is in my name. He begged me to come back, said he wouldn’t do it again and he makes me feel bad because he brings up his daughter which me and her have a good relationship. When I came back all of our new furniture and tv and clothes I left was thrown out because he said when I was gone (I was gone for a week) it gave him to many memories so we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and idk what to do. I love him but I’m not in love with him and when I tell him he just goes around it and makes me feel bad but for some reason I can’t seem to leave him because he depends on me and I don’t want to see him messed up. When I leave him he turns to drugs and says he wants to kill himself. He’s on probation so if I leave he won’t have anywhere to go because he doesn’t deal with family. Also I want to leave because he’s not family oriented like me my parent don’t like him for hitting me and I hate that akward feeling. He doesn’t like to do anything that involves going out and being with friends and family all he cares about is where I’m at and how long I’m out. I feel like his anxiety is rubbing off on me. He swears he won’t hit me again and that hes changing but really? He’s going to change in a week? I need help
Hi Lexis, we’re going to speak straight. This is not an unhappy relationship. It’s an abusive relationship. And you do need help and you need to reach out and find it. Read our article on coercive control we think you’ll be shocked at how well it describes your relationship https://bit.ly/coercivecontrolht. The problem with traumatic abusive relationships is that we become addicted. Somewhere we learned that being abused and the highs and lows of the good and the bad are love. They are not. They are abuse. What’s happening is an addictive cycle called ‘trauma bonding’. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm. It’s why so many partners go back even after they are hit, bullied, and abused. So don’t be hard on yourself, but do gather up all of your strength to get help. Call a woman’s charity in your area who helps women in abusive relationships for advice. If you are in the UK we have a list of all helplines here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. As for his threats to kill himself and using his daughter to keep you there, its manipulation it’s listed in the article on coercive control. He is not exactly seeking help, is he? He is responsible for his life and you are responsible for yours.You can’t fix his issues and he’s not from the looks of it making any effort to fix his problems. Why would he, when he can use it all to control you? Get help. Best, HT.
I’m 23 and been with my partner for 5 years. We have a pretty supportive relationship and I mostly don’t think we need to breakup but I’m worried if she doesn’t do more to improve herself I won’t be able to handle the relationship long term. She has paranoia which has caused her to accuse our friends and family of many strange offensive things over the years, including recently she snapped at my best friend/roomate multiple times without reason and was threatening to kick him out so now he’s moving and not really talking with us as much. She constantly talks about suicide which I try my hardest to be supportive through but I have very serious ptsd surrounding suicide so I nearly go into shock everytime and am not really helpful but it’s pretty much every other day so I’m almost starting to respond with anger and I’m really trying not too and I’m worried I’m going to snap one of these times she brings it up. The main issue I think loops from she has epilepsy and suicidal thoughts which makes me feel like I couldn’t leave the relationship even if I wanted too because her epilepsy would stop her from getting a job to afford her rent, her paranoia would make it hard to get a roommate and her suicidal thoughts might make her kill herself if alone in that situation. So even tho I don’t want to leave, the thought that I couldn’t if I wanted too is starting to worry me. I’ve been very supportive through these things for the last few years it’s just all starting to weigh on me and I’m not sure how to make sense of my thoughts or what course of action makes the most sense. Granted I’m really stressed this year from a variety of factors so I feel some of it might just be bleeding over but either way it’s good to address. I know this isn’t 100% on topic but it’s very close and I have nowhere else to ask so I figured it’s worth a shot, thank you dearly if you respond.
Hi there Shaun. So there is a lot going on here, far more than can be addressed in a comment, and you are not surprisingly feeling overwhelmed. In life, we can’t change another person, not matter how much we think we love them. That’s up to them. The only person we have any control over is ourselves. And what we see here is that you have your own stuff to navigate. Are you getting support for PTSD and all this stress you mention? You also seem to feel responsible for her and her life. No matter how much we love someone, it’s not up to us to babysit them, unless they are of course our child. She’s not your child. She is your partner. Her life is her responsibility. In summary, we would say, sounds like you could really use some support here to look at where all this codependency comes from, to learn how to set boundaries, practice self care, and stand your ground, as well as learn what healthy relationships and relating is. Relationships are a dance. We can’t change how the other person’s feet move, we can change how our feet move, and see if they person wants to keep on dancing and accommodate the person we are becoming. So yes, again, we’d suggest you take the focus off her, and put it on you.And see what happens. Note also that focussing on others and their issues can be a great way to try to avoid our own, but change happens when we focus on our own. If you are on a low budget, we have an article here on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage! Best, HT
Hello, I am in a relationship of 14 years with the mother of my 7 month old daughter. We’ve had many ups and downs in our relationship. Besides sharing great experiences, we’ve been quite close breaking up a few times. Even though I’d fantasized about being single and free a lot, when talk of breaking up came up I either didn’t go through with it or I’d talk my partner out of it. When push came to shove, the negative implications of separation completely dominated the positive ones, and that really scared me. Telling friends and family and having to explain, being alone, losing my partner to someone else: it didn’t seem worth it. Our relationship has become a huge part of my identity.
Our relationship can be comfortable. We have shared interests, friends, we can have fun. But we also definitely annoy each other, our sex life has never been great and I don’t think either of us is in love anymore. Now that we’ve had a baby, our dynamic has also changed. My partner is understandably completely preoccupied by the baby. I feel it might be too much, as she quit her job before getting pregnant, and worrying about the baby is all she does. As I am working full time and putting in many hours in the household, I find myself completely unattached to my partner. I feel less and less empathy for her, as she is more demanding and bossier, and is oblivious to the hours I put in supporting our family, while she only thinks about the baby.
Now I find myself wanting to separate from my partner more then ever, merely half a year after she gave birth. I know that giving birth changes people, but even if our relationship would go back to how it was before, I don’t think I want to be in a comfortable relationship. On the one hand, I want to break up more because of this new, unpleasant dynamic in our relationship. On the other hand, if I thought breaking up was difficult when all we shared was an apartment, I don’t know how I could go through with it now that we have a baby. My partner wants to work on our relationship, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I’m willing to go into therapy, but I fear I’d use it as a means of breaking up with my partner. I don’t really know what to do. I want to be independent, but I don’t want to an asshole. Any advice is welcome, thanks a bunch.
Hi there Simon. It sounds like you’ve given this a great deal of thought. But as you are aware, and as the comment shows, it’s a lot, and you are really turning in circles. How is it that you think you’d use therapy as a way to break up with your partner? Sounds like an assumption that you’d have all the control and it’s all about you, to be honest. Going to couples therapy isn’t, despite what TV would show you, to force a relationship to work. It’s to create a safe space to gain clarity on what you both want now. And if that is a breakup, then the therapist helps you find a way to a constructive breakup that doesn’t end up in lashing out. You can even, in a safe space, hash out a way to parent together, for example. You are assuming your partner know exactly what she thinks and feels (among other assumptions). Or that she even knows herself. For all you know, in therapy, with the space and someone guiding you both to truly listen to yourself and communicate in non destructive ways, she might discover she doesn’t want the relationship. We aren’t predicting this will happen. We are saying you are trying to fortune tell when you simply do not know. So we’d say, if she’s willing, than what a golden opportunity. Why not give it 3 or 4 sessions? At the very worst it would help you communicate all this in a fair, constructive way instead of just walking away and feeling guilty for the rest of your life, assuming it’s all your fault. Relationships are 50/50. She might have her own reasons for staying in this one. Why not stick around long enough to get the whole picture before spending the rest of your life playing what if? Unless deep down you aren’t scared of being as asshole, but are scared of other things? As we sense there are other things you are dancing around. This isn’t just about this partnership, it feels bigger, it feels to be about your whole life, this role you always put yourself in. Easy to blame the relationship but we feel it might have older roots. For example, we notice that you still, as a grown man, are terrified what your family think of you, instead of assuming they’d want whatever made you feel happiest. Best, HT.
All of the things you mention in the article fit me as far as childhood trauma and abuse. I am stuck in a 41 year relationship and am paralyzed. Instead of fight or flight I am in the frozen stage. I knew I needed to leave a long time ago but I can’t make a move to do anything. I have been in this limbo land for years. I feel like I wasted more than 10 years in therapy which didn’t help anything so I am hesitant to even think about therapy again. The area where I live doesn’t have very good resources and when you go on Medicare choices are even more limited. The last one I tried was a male (first male therapist ever) and all he did in initial appointment was ask if we were sleeping together and gave me a DVD. Unfortunately, many men think sex is the be all end all and that makes everything just peachy. I felt like vomiting when I left that place and I never went back. I felt retraumatized all over again. I spent many $$$ on therapy which could have been put to better use. He is 12 years older than I am and I never imagined he would live this long. Now I am at the point with his health conditions I don’t have the heart to leave him but fear that I am going to die before I ever know what it is like to live. I have no family and am NOT looking for another relationship EVER if I caN ever get out of this one.. I feel there is no way out except the death of one of us.
Hi Charlotte, we get it. You see when we live through abuse and trauma our mind can get stuck in a trauma response. For some women, this means getting stuck in ‘freeze’. We also develop ‘learned helplessness’, which might have helped us to get needed attention as a child, or even saved us from more trauma (if we seemed very weak that might potentially mean we attracted less attention) but which is dangerous to us as an adult. We don’t know what the relationship is like, but you might also want to read our articles on ‘trauma bonding’. If we are stuck in our trauma response, and living our life in a constant state of anxiety and feeling frozen, a therapy that looks to have us talk about our past can just leave us feeling worse and endlessly triggered. Unfortunately not all therapists are good therapists, or trauma informed (the guy with his DVD sounds horrific, we are surprised he has a license to practise (assuming he actually did and you checked his credentials). What you need first is to help your brain get out of freeze. there are a range of short term therapies that don’t involve talking much if at all about the past but are about getting your brain to get ‘unhooked’ from its stress response. They are brain working recursive therapy (BWRT), eye movement desensitisation and reprogramming (EMDR), clinical hypnotherapy, and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You can find our article about therapy that actually works for trauma here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. And the other thought is to look for a free support group in your area of those who have survived traumatic childhoods, if that is your sort of thing. Sometimes having a social network who understands can give us more courage and remind us we have personal power. We are aware you are saying you don’t want to try any therapy ever etc, but if we do nothing, then nothing tends to happen. Sometimes we try really hard and it doesn’t go well and then we take a break but at some point we have to try again. Another free resource that might help are videos by ‘the Crappy Childhood Fairy’ on Youtube. Best, HT.
Thank you so much for your reply. Due to my extensive research, I am aware of most of what you have said but it is validating to have someone else say it. I feel traumatized and let down by the therapy I have already spent years and $$$ on so I am frozen in that aspect also. I truly want help but am afraid that I will be hurt and disappointed all over again. It appears you are in London and I wish I had access to someone who truly understands as I can tell you do by your perceptive reply. You have at least motivated me to try again. I guess the worst that can happen is I will be traumatized and disappointed all over again. I am not young and feel I am running out of time so I have to make a move to try something. That in itself presents a problem in finding a therapist who has enough experience to help me since I have few to pick from. Thank you again for your reply.
Hi Charlotte, do check out ‘the Crappy Childhood Fairy’ on Youtube, we think her videos would be really helpful and motivating and they are free to watch! https://bit.ly/3r9HdGU. Also use our search bar to find our articles on how to find a therapist. When we are traumatised we tend to go into learned helplessness when we visit a therapist for the first time, when really we are the client. Go in armed with a list of questions, our articles cover what you need to ask, and know that if a therapist is not for you you have the right to walk away at any time. Finally, life is a process, we are always learning, even if we can’t see it. Give yourself some credit for even being here asking questions, and for all the effort you have put in so far. And again, if you do try a therapy, don’t go for a ‘talk’ version first, but a brain stabiliser, one that calms your trauma response. EMDR, BWRT, and clinical hypnotherapy can be weird but effective experiences, and you can feel a shift relatively quickly. Which can come with its own issues, as we can then feel frustrated and angry we didn’t get that sort of help earlier, but the process of healing c-PTSD often comes with periods of mourning, but also periods of grace and peace, too. Best, HT.
My partner and I have been together for 1.5 years, we frequently have arguments. Not everyday, more like every week/fortnight and they usually increase in intensity over something small because I feel he is not listening to me. I suffer from BPD and never really have an issue with it until we either argue or I feel unheard.
Today, I have tried to explain to him (yet again) that I feel unloved and that we aren’t getting anywhere in our relationship, although he says he feels the same, we always go back to being okay and then we are in love again. It feels like a never ending cycle, I find myself begging for the bare minimum and it makes me feel degraded as a woman. I do love him, but I don’t know if staying is the right choice. It’s very hard for me as I am not usually the type to leave relationships.
Hi there Amber, we are going to assume when you say you have BPD this is not self diagnosed but diagnosed properly by a psychiatrist. Are you not in therapy if this is the case? We would highly advise that you find a therapist if you don’t have one already. BPD means we need support. Borderline personality operates around a mechanism of abandonment and rejection. And what can actually happen if we aren’t currently being rejected or abandoned and are actually in a situation where love and care is avaiable is that we unconsciously make situations for this to happen. We find a way to constantly create drama and fulfill our deep belief we deserve to be rejected. So what you are describing is actually a classic pattern in those with BPD. They get into a loving relationship but start to sabotage it by always looking for what is wrong, starting disagreements, then convincing their partner things are not good until the partner finally ends up leaving and the BPD partner has fulfilled their belief. They are ultimately rejected. You say it’s a cycle as it is. This is something to look at in therapy, to get support over. Feeling unloved is not his problem, it’s yours. You must feel loved from within yourself, no partner will ever meet that massive need if deep down you are not able to feel highly worthy of love, this is part of healing from BPD, to learn to source that from yourself over expecting others to fill that. When we have BPD our needs are very, very high, and nobody else will ever measure up until we self source. And here’s something to try. Turn the table. Are you loving? Are you showing him your love? Or is this all about you and your needs? Are you respecting his limits and boundaries, have you even asked him what they are? BPD can also make us self centred without us realising it. Remember that a relationship is about two people, not just you. All is not lost, BPD partners can be incredibly generous, empathic, and fun, but it’s important to keep checking in and making sure you are not become too self focused and dramatic. Relationships do not need to be constantly assessed and constantly analysed or constantly perfect. Sometimes it’s just about having experiences together, about just being, without the drama. Best, HT.
Counselling is something i have not thought about, but as a last desperate attempt at finding a solution i am posting here.
i have been in a relationship with a german girl for 7 years.
The relationship was never really awesome for me, apart from the fact that she was doing lots of things that no one ever did for me . like cook nice food, give me special drinks, take me on date nights and generally do a lot of effort to make me happy.
From my side, i have never really been 100% happy.
For the last 2 years or more i have slowly been withdrawing myself from the relationship up to the point that sex stopped and all other forms of intimacy as well.
I just cannot get myself so far to engage with her in that way.
Anyway, i was in an asian country recently during which time i met a local girl and spent some time with her. I realized i was a completely different person when i was with her. I realized i felt a lot for this girl but had no way to support her there. IN the interim my girlfriend kept pushing me to join her in germany. As i realized that generating an income would be difficult, i Eventually agreed and left the asian girl there.
I am now here under a common-law agreement and i am forced to stay with her for 5 years to get the EU passport. this scares me as it feels like i am sacrificing my life for a passport by staying with this girl.
During this, I cant get myself so far to let go of this asian girl and want to return to the country to marry her and live with her.
i have not been able to make the decision to break up with the german girl as i know it will destroy her and similarly cannot commit to buying my visa and ticket to rejoin the asian girl who is currently waiting for me.
Today the german girl said that my indecision is hurting her and if i cant make the decision to end it she is doing it. SO she said thats it we are over.
WHY DOES IT FEEL like i am throwing away a good future and that i should try my best to be the boyfriend she wants? why cant i let her go knowing very well i dont really want to be with her even though shes an awesome person that has done so much for me?
WHY CANT I MAKE THE DECISION TO LEAVE.?
please help!
i need to either fight for this relationship and make it work OR agree with her and buy my tickets and leave.. in which case its over between us AND i lose my only chance to a future in EUROPE.
Hi Andy, there is a lot of what in psychology is called ‘cognitive distortions’ going on here. This is where we convince ourselves of a reality as rock solid truth that isn’t. It consists of things like black and white thinking and assumptions. There is a lot of both going on. All this ‘or’, this ‘no way out’ etc. For example, many, many, MANY people get to live in the EU without using someone for a visa. They find jobs or go to to school, get working or education visas, make themselves valuable to society and get special visas, etc….and go from there. But if you spend all your time, headspace, and energy obsessing over women we’d bet you have very little energy for advancing your career. Same goes for making an income in another country. Thousands of people figure it out. (Note this response is being written by someone who has done both, found a way to live in EU and create an online business etc, so….not without sacrifice, creativity and hard work, but has done both). So then why do you create this ‘no choices all blocked’ scenarios? What makes you ‘special’ so that you can’t be like others? Self-sabotage. Your mind creating these stories you live by, this endless, all consuming drama. This is not your fault, it would come from a childhood where you lived through experiences that damaged your self-worth, or numbed you to the point you only feel alive if you have drama going on. But we can guarantee you that if you don’t figure out the roots of this, work on yourself and your issues, this sort of situation will arise again and again and again in your life and every single relationship, job, etc. We are sure there was constant drama even before this situation, yes? So the problem isn’t with these two women, it’s within, and that is where the answer is, too. It’s up to you to decide that you’ve had enough of the endless drama and sabotage and commit to the journey of self, and, yes, therapy would be a great solution here. And being on a low budget is fine, there are tons of ways to find low cost therapy we have an article here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. And note the third option you didn’t mention – being alone. Finding your own way forward for awhile and figuring yourself out without involving someone else. Nothing wrong with that. When’s the last time you spent time alone? And also note that as for why you can’t just decide, drama is addictive. You might have to then stop feeling so buzzed on stress and ‘high’ on drama, and boredom might scare you, deep down. We’d suggest you look into CBT therapy, designed especially to help you learn to hear, question, and change distorted thinking. Best, HT.
HT,
i have by no means chosen between girls or between countries yet.
I just need your inputs as to what i can expect if i were to stay in the EU as i have never lived here. I dont want to stay here just to survive …. i want to know what life is really like here and IF it is worth the sacrifice and effort. I dont want to jsut exist BUT if the advantages are huge to live in EU i need to consider that.
Thanks
Hi there again Andy, we are not going to post your other third detailed comment to protect your privacy. We hope that writing it was useful for you and helped you get clarity. Andy we can’t tell someone we don’t know over a comment box what to do with their life, not only would that be highly unprofessional of us, and unethical, it would be truly unhelpful as you are an adult man and as adults we learn and grow from making our own decisions. Your life is up to you, and as we suggested, best to find a therapist to work with who could invest in getting to know you and your situation fully and help you make those decisions for yourself. We think what is interesting here is to ask yourself why you are pushing complete strangers to decide your life for you. To let you know a therapist does NOT tell a client what to do, and never makes a decision for someone else, that is not what a therapist does. Their sole purpose is to ask good questions and offer other perspectives and help a client recognise their inner resources so they can make life decisions for themselves. Our comments are designed for those asking questions about the articles and contents thereof, we are unable to offer free counselling in this manner, but we sometimes respond with good questions and new perspectives if we think it could apply to other readers as well. So we can’t go further on this issue but we wish you all the best. Kind regards, HT.
i genuinely feel like i cant stand my partner far more than i enjoy her company.
I left her 6 years ago when her toxic ways drove my eldest child to attempt suicide, then she forced her way back in against my will, wishes, and clear communication. She just kept saying the i am being “Mean” and dont actually believe what i was saying. This is what she does every time i tell her how i feel. She makes it about about me trying to hurt her feelings and ignores the fact that i actually feel the way that i do. She instead makes it about herself and her victimhood…
I have been very clear with her how she makes me feel, especially over the past 6 years since she forced her way back into my home and she will not leave no matter what i say. It is always “you dont mean that, your just abusing me, i’m ok with the abuse, I am NOT leaving”
We have a 9 year old and 2 year old twin boys that are 100% victims of our relationship..
Most of the time her voice is like nails on a chalk board to me..
We were once fiends for years before we hooked up 17 years ago and i have been telling her for at least the last 14 that this will not work, and that “its not love and we both deserve to at least find someone who enjoys our company”…..
She goes from being aggressive and antagonistic to wallowing in self pitting and acting like a victim when i respond, and yes i have said some hateful sh^t. I have said the most hateful shit i could imagine in hopes that she would just leave us alone all together.
More than anything i just want her to understand the we dont have to force a shitty relationship just because we have kids, its not fair to them. There is no reason that we cannot co-parent like adults and accept that our relationship failed over a decade ago.
It seems like she loves the grandstanding and drama of it all and i just cant stand that we are all stuck in this ugly unhappy situation….I have tried to leave more times than i can count (succeeded once for a few months) and it just turns into her making threats, financial, physical threats, Threats to sabotage work relationships & even violent threats against myself and my children.
I am even planning on building a home for her to raise the kids in, but she believes it is for “US” when it is not. I just want to make sure my kids are taken care of, its bad enough that they will be forced to participate in her manic nonsense. But at least i wont be and they can have peace in my home.
Still looking for advice on my last reply things seem to always get worse with her.
I dont understand how a person feels validation from walking into the and announcing their presence with negative outburst and then blaming the room for wondering what her problem is.
It is exhausting.
This often happens in long term relationships full of bitterness and miscommunication, where the other partner does not listen anymore and is very angry, blanking out their partner, leaving the partner walking into the room to act out in an attempt to get a response or validation. If you were talking to someone who was completely ignoring you, for example, how would you react? In other words, this is a dynamic between two people that has developed over time over something only one person is creating. Best, HT.
Hi J. So what we see here is that you are addicted to a painful relationship and in all likelihood have what is called ‘trauma bonding’. https://bit.ly/whatistraumabond Which is why you can’t leave, as deep down you are reliant on all this drama and suffering. We do have a lot of empathy for this. When we are trauma bonded we ourselves are in victim mode even if we blame the other and call them the victim. Notice you say she ‘forced her way back against your will’. But you are an adult, you have the right to lead your life as you want, nobody can make you do anything, unless of course they, say, have a gun to your head. A dramatic thing to say, but just to illustrate the point here. You are essentially saying, if you could reread your comment with an open mind, that everything is all her fault and you are a helpless victim… when you actually have a lot of power. If she is threatening you, you can get a lawyer, a restraining order, all these things. You too admit you say extremely toxic things, ” the most hateful things imaginable’. So our best guess it’s a war of equals. We do understand there are children involved and it can feel hard to leave, but this sort of extremely toxic environment isn’t good for children either. It’s terribly tragic that a 9 year old would attempt suicide. With this level of toxicity between parents and endless arguing, this sort of thing is from the unit, the family as a whole, the environment you are both creating. Usually we’d advise family or couples therapy for couples at war, because deep hatred often hides love and it’s more often a toxic relating pattern that is the issue, and it’s often worth at least seeing if there is something redeemable, but for this both partners need to be on board, and more importantly you have obviously made up your mind you want out plus with trauma bonding it’s toxic and perhaps irreparable (we only have your comment to go on so we really can’t say). We would however very much advise you seek personal counselling as trauma bonds are deeply connected to your own past and are very hard to break alone, note you’ve tried to leave but keep returning. Plus when we are attracted to unhealthy relationships we tend to just go and repeat the pattern with someone else if we don’t get help recognising and changing it. Best, HT.
Is it possible that we are both feeling all those that are listed above? I contributed to his pain, and he also contributed to mine. So it’s really hard to say that he is an abuser because I feel like my actions also seem like I am abusing him as well.
I felt like I couldn’t leave because I felt like I am not financially capable. I think he also couldn’t leave because he might be addicted to the breadcrumbs of affection I give him. I don’t mean it though it’s just that I am too focused on healing myself and improving my life as an individual because I don’t want to be dependent anymore but in the process of doing that, I forget to make him feel loved. He felt unloved as well because I do not meet his needs.
It’s like we are both addicted to the push-and-pull situation. And we can’t let go because we have been together for almost 8 years.
I am dating a guy that cannot see eye to eye with me on communication. Tonight he told me it was ok to yell at me because everyone gets upset. I explained that I understand everyone gets upset, and that it might happen but it does not make it ok. It is hard dating him because he likes silence, and to be alone and I love people and having conversations.
It feels like a roller coaster dating him, because he can be very cuddly and affectionate and other times very distant. He wants me to move in with him, but does not want me to touch his things or even look at them sometimes. For example: one time he took out his medicine bottle, and I noticed his name was spelt wrong, and I pointed it out. I was not looking at his medication name, but he became very upset with me and gave me the silent treatment the whole way home until I asked if he was mad and he told me he was very upset with me that I looked as medicine bottle explained I just noticed his name. Now I get very anxious thinking he is upset at me when he is quiet and I ask him if he is upset at me and he gets upset when I ask this instead of comforting me telling me he’s not upset.
I keep trying to break up with him but to be honest, I’ve never really had a bad break up. I’ve only been in long-term relationships, and and they have always ended on a good note such as we have just drifted apart. This relationship just feels so crazy. We don’t live together, and there’s a lot of leaving late in the night to go back to where we live.
We went to a relationship counselor and it was the worst experience of my life. I just felt completely gaslighted. I would explain to the counselor how he treats me, and he denied everything. She was so focused on me because he pretended like he was perfect. We stopped going to that counselor, and he later admitted that he could be very difficult.
He has called me names, such as crazy and sneaky. I would write things down as he would say them because he often denies what he says or does. He denies calling me crazy, but justifies why he calls me sneaky and no one has ever called me that. He justifies calling me sneaky because he claims that if he opens a drawer, I look over his shoulder which is not true one time I just noticed a toy in his drawer and asked him why he had that and that is what that is based off of.
I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time breaking up with him. He cries when we break up and I feel terrible and sad and I know he wants to have kids with me (I want kids) and I know he won’t break up with me and I’m going to have to be the one to do it.
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. 1 year was an on and off relationship. When we first broke up, we were still seeing each other but not as official couple.. So i went to had a fling with a guy. I told him that and he was hurtful. I was sorry and I did everything i could to make him feel better and safe. He then emotionally cheated on me as well but i was able to look pass it. I’m now in a situation where the ball is on his court… I’m a little trap and he said he couldnt love me like before and that I could not do anything about it. I hate the fact i could not able to do anything and im in despair as i dont want to get left.
Hi, I have been with my wife for 20 years. I was a substance abuse counselor and she was my first client. The attraction was very strong and we started sleeping together. I knew if I wanted to continue I’d have to leave my job. But she wouldn’t let me do that saying I saveives. We broke it off and about six month later I met someone and we got married. A month later she married another one of my clients. Three years after my marriage ended. And right after that she called out of the ue. She was leaving her husband and moving back and was looking for housing. With in a couple of weeks I let her move in till she found a place. It was like we’d never been apart. But when I told her how I felt she said sleeping with me years ago was just her way of having a get out of jail card. She didn’t bieve in love and said if she stayed she we’d end up destroying my life. But I convinced her to stay and soon she seemed deeply in love. Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. We where so happy for years. Then about four years ago she seemed to changed. She would sit on the bed everyday and not want to do anything. She insisted she still lived me and our sex was still great but she no longer would initiate it. Then she began to fight with me all the time and it seemed like we count be happy. I tried everything and if she ask me to do so.ething I was always willing but she refused anything I’d ask. But she refused to say there was a propped and alway blamed my like I was making things up. Then one day after getting a promotion at work she came home then took the Challenger she drove that belonged to both of us and traded it in for brand new one without telling my. She was always combining we where in debt but it was her who had taken out all the cards and run them up. When she came home was said we where getting a divorce and that she didn’t live me. I was devastated but what could I do. She was about to move in with her gay best friend and his husband when I came down with throat cancer. Instead of leaving she said I had to trust her and we would beat this together. I had very little trust left but she said no matter what if she wanted to go she wouldn’t until I had recovered and was able to support myself. But she refused to put her hate away and for ten months I had to get myself to treatment. She was as cd as could be everyday but she made sure I got fed once I was really sick. Her hate just made my cancer worse and what should have been seven weeks turned into ten month. So of course the cancer had time to spread. Nov and Dec of last year was the worst. I could barely get out of bed and had lost 120 lbs. On Dec 5th the day I had my scan to see if the cancer had spread she picked me and 5 minutes after we got home she said she was leaving in three weeks. And that’s how long I’d have to get rid of everything I owned and get ready to be homeless. I was so emotionally broken and she would co.e in my room screaming at my everyday till I was in tears. Then she left. Two weeks later they gay couple she moved in with broke up. I had no idea they where on drugs. After selling the condo her gay best friend bought an RV for the two of them to live in. I did almost end up on the street. My ability to recover was sabotaged. And still I wanted her back. I had been gas lighted and couldn’t see it. It’s been nine months and I’m finely working but still on the edge of losing it all. It was really hard But I finely accepted that she had gone back to drug and my loving wife was gone. I avoid talking to her now. And the Cancer is gone. The hardest part is not thinking there must be something wrong with me for her to have done something so low. But I’m getting better. I’m a heth 62.
PS. I hope this story helps someone
My partner and I have been together for 3 years, but in those three years I lied and hid who I truly was and the things I had done in my past. Now, my partner knows everything but the trust has been demolished and she’s devastated but she does not leave. I stay in the relationship because I love her and I want to do right by her and be the man she deserves, but it seems like me being in her life is killing her. I think sometimes maybe it’s in her best interest if I leave, but I want so badly to stay and make it work and make it all up to her.
I am with a man who has decided he is in love NOW with me after ruining my life financially. I feel nothing but loathing and hate for him – he has ruined my life financially and I will never be able to recover even though I work two full time jobs and 4-5 part time gig jobs. I am just waiting for him to finish paying the loan that I cosigned for him, but he wants to move in together and get married. I keep telling him I love you too just to get the loan paid for now. I’ve got 6 months left. I am not making any assertions about houses or getting married. I cannot trust him at all. I feel bad because NOW he is earnest and working toward HIS goal but I feel extremely used and so so angry and that anger comes into almost every conversation with him now. I sit there and the financial ruin is just devastating and I’m older now so I have less time to recoup, so I keep taking these extra jobs but it’s not enough. I hate him so much. I don’t want to, but I absolutely do.
I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been with my wife since we were in high school. I’m 29 now and we have two beautiful kids together. She wanted to move out of state for her career, and I wanted to move as well and to be supportive of her dreams. After we moved, something happened with her. She worked an hour away and I was a stay at home dad and gave up my career because she didn’t want our daughter in daycare. When we couldn’t afford our rent, I got a part time job on the weekends but it still wasn’t enough. I wanted her to go to daycare so I could get a normal full time job, but she argued with me and refused. She told me I needed to get an overnight job and be a stay at home dad during the day. I opposed and we argued forever. Eventually I caved and I did it for 14 months and it was hell. I slept for four hours a day, never saw her and never was taken care of. I had no friends or family, and I constantly begged her to let our daughter be put in daycare because I was suffering and she said no. She told me to get a therapist on top of what I was already doing and to get medication. So I did, but it still wasn’t enough, my mental health was shot. Eventually I had an opportunity for management and I told her I applied, that turned into an argument and she convinced me to decline so our daughter wasn’t in daycare. I did. Then another position opened again and I took it as a sign. I didnt talk to her about it, and I took it. I found an affordable daycare and made her come with me to look at it and she fell in love with them. Things got better, we went to therapy 2 different times and it seemed to work well. But then she stopped having sex with me and only focused on our daughter. I did all the cooking and cleaning, she ignored the finances and spent whatever she wanted and refused to learn to budget. She would argue with me over anything I wanted. Everything was a fight and she always got her way. She constantly put our daughter over me. We went to therapy again. Things got better, but 7 months later it went back down again. I tried dealing with it, but then my job was shutting down, and if I wanted to stay I had to allocate to another city which was an hour away. I told her about it and she was skeptical, but agreed because she did the same thing when we moved here and worked an hour away. I told her the first 6-8 weeks would be a lot of hours because I’m a manager, once I’m dialed in, it’ll be normal. Only 3 weeks into the job she told me that she couldn’t do handle me being gone and at some point, I would need to choose between the family and my job. We talked about that comment a month later and she apologized for making it and she didn’t mean it that way, but it hurt and I can’t let it go. It filled me with hurt and anger because I did what she was upset about for 14 months, and the biggest difference is I’m home for dinner and we actually see each other.
I stayed with the job because I love it and I’m good at it. But she didn’t want me to see friends because she wanted me home and I only saw friends once or twice an every two weeks at most. I was tired of not feeling supported, respected, like my opinions and words didn’t hold value and I couldn’t do it anymore. I told her I need to focus on myself and find myself again and that I need space. It’s been 9 months and I know I can’t stay anymore. She hurt me so badly for her own gain and now that I want to leave, I feel so guilty. I dont want to hurt her but I don’t want to stay either. I want to co parent and be friends because I don’t trust she will treat me better after all these years. We did therapy 5 times with nothing consistent. I know I wasn’t perfect and have flaws. But all I wanted was to feel supported and listened too. Like what I say or would like to do has value. I had to do everything on my own and now that I’m here, I’m stuck. I love her, but I can’t do this anymore and I dont know how to move forward. I asked my parents for support and guidance, but they pushed back on me for wanting to leave due to religious reasons and that’s been so hard.
I have been with my partner nearly 20yrs and I have been in an unhappy cycle through most of it as their mental health (depression) and trauma makes day to day difficult like I am walking on egg shells. Dont get me wrong, there have been good times but the bad does overshadow. I have learnt to cope with it but am now numb to it all and I love him but dont feel in love with him. I feel trapped as we have a 10yr old and I know it will break them both and also he is unemployed so we will both have no security or logistic solution if we broke up. He is also suicidal so i feel responsible for keeping my daughters dad safe even though i know i should not feel responsible.
We have changed (understandably) and I am now seeing how much i am changing my natural self when i go home to conform to what will make the least reaction and i dont want to do this now. I want to be fully ‘me.’
I dont know what to do or where to start…
My best friend of 23 years got engaged last year to a man she thought she was in love with. They’ve been together solidly (?) for 4 years and were a couple for six months in college back in 2002.
During those times in college they would have threesomes, drink, do cocaine and party a lot. He even cheated on her twice. Why they got back together 4 years ago is still a mystery to me. They started talking to Facebook and he moved in with her after a year from living 8 hours away. She left her then (also cheating) husband who they had a daughter with, at the time she was 5 years old. This guy she’s with now has been an alcoholic since college. No drugs or smoking, just drinking. He gets jealous easily and was even jealous of ME being her best friend, so much so that he created a fight between her and I that caused us to fight and stop talking for three years. We just started talking again a couple of months ago. She can’t financially leave but she really wants to. I have no idea what how to help her.
This article insightfully highlights the complex reasons behind staying in unhappy relationships, emphasizing the importance of understanding our deep-rooted patterns and the transformative role of therapy in breaking these cycles.
Hi. I’m 23 (partner 35) and we’ve been together for over 2 years now. We’ve known each other for 3, but we had a bit of rocky start – he pursued me but I didn’t want him, mostly because of the age gap and I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I had a lot of mental health issues at the time, with family trauma and chaos, which he helped me through and was always there for me even during early hours of the morning. I feel like I got attached to him because he looked after me and was always with me which I didn’t have as a child. We have been working on our relationship – I feel safe and we communicate well. However, now that i’ve been healing, i’m not feeling fulfilled in this relationship anymore. I feel like i’m settling and it’s too comfortable. Recently, i’ve had to tell him what my needs are and the things that he says/does that make me uncomfortable, and he’s working on those now. But the fact i have to even tell him to fix up doesn’t sit right with me.
I should also let you know that he wants kids but I don’t, at least not until my 30s. We have spoken about this and he said is willing to wait for me but doesn’t want to be too old to have kids, which makes sense.
I just don’t know what to do, i’m not sure if I even love him or i’m just attached. I do feel really codependent with him.
Hi im 29 and i got married right out of high school. My husband and i built a bond through similar life tragedys. He lost his mom when he was 12 and i lost my mom when i was 15. We met in high school.
He has a porn addiction and i have been putting up with it for our entire marriage. I told him multiple times how it affected me and he continued.
About a month ago i told him that i was done and that i was unhappy and had been for a long time. But he made me feel extremely guilty and so ive just been trying to make it work. I love him but not in the way i should. Im no longer inlove with him.
He has cheated in every way possible accept physicly. While i am a loyal person i have also felt lonely from lack of intamacy and in result of that have been looking for validation from other men online. In which i have also cheated in every way but physically.
I also feel like im missing out on so much in life. I crave to be independent and to be able to experience being a single person focusing on myself.
My husband and i have no children only dogs. I have hardly any family. His family is all i really have and so if we decide to divorce i feel as though ill have no one but my best freind. Which is scary but ive lost so much in my life already that i feel as though i can get through anything but i worry for him. I love him and i dont want to lose the freinship but i also dont want to be married anymore.
So I’ve been in relationship now engaged had doubts sometimes, because I feel trapped in ways that ge us intense and has insecurities I’m worried to leave as I feel attached and don’t want to hurt him, worried I don’t necessarily see things right due to my mental health, most my friends and mom don’t think he is suited to me and ge has slight manipulating behaviour, and may not be truthful, despite this he has also been kindest person and always is reliable and willing to change. I struggle with needing escape and drinking and found out recent a friend I’ve had for years likes me , we chatted and I now have feelings for this friend I did kiss them, i didn’t know it was in me to cheat I get guilty terrible and I don’t know if I should leave dnd not say as it will hurt him
So much or if I should stay and be honest and work through things together, I live with him but I get so confused if he is manipulating me or not so I feel I can’t leave and that I’m attached. I don’t know what to do