No Motivation? When It’s time to Be Concerned

Hi Richard, the article addresses several reasons for why this might be, such as depression or just choosing things that aren’t aligned with your actual personal values but are instead things you think you ‘should’ do.

Rosemary, have you read about the process of grief and bereavement? It’s actually normal to go through months of highs and lows when we lose someone we love. You might find our articles useful – http://bit.ly/bereavementgrief and http://bit.ly/griefmyths. Seeing as it’s being going on since September, it does also sound like your grief as turned into a bout of depression – again, not uncommon. Have you considered some grief counselling? It can be such a huge relief to talk to someone who ‘gets it’ but also isn’t invested in the situation. You can say anything without fear of upsetting someone!

Hi Skyla, we are imagining you are a teenager. Look, it’s tough being a teenager. Especially when the brain is still growing and the sleep patterns of a teenage brain have been shown by research to not at all match a schedule of getting up at 7am! So many teens find it hard to get up in the morning as it goes against their growing/changing brain’s natural sleep cycle. So that’s one thing. But it also sounds like the move has been really tough on you. If you feel sick to your stomach then you have serious anxiety and it needs addressing. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? If not, would you feel comfortable talking to your school’s counsellor? Or would you be able to ask your parents to help you see a counsellor? We have an article on how to approach that here http://bit.ly/talktoparents

Hi Eden, we can’t diagnose you over the internet and certainly not over a comment box. Diagnosis requires working one on one with a practitioner who can get to know you, and we’d advise you seek some counselling sessions to get to the bottom of this. It could, for example, be depression. And also do get a full medical checkup as there are physical things that can cause low motivation and low energy, from something complex like hormonal imbalances to more obvious things like a bad diet full of junk food – research is increasingly connecting gut and mental health, so you might want to start with self-care, ie, a healthy diet and exercise.

Trish, it sounds very much like depression. Hardly surprising given all that you’ve been dealing with. Could you talk to your GP and get on a waiting list for some free therapy? They might quite quickly get you some self-guided online therapy even, depending where you live.

Hi Cam, what sort of counsellors where those?? A properly trained counsellor or one with any training at all would NEVER say ‘just do it’. In fact a counsellor doesn’t give ‘advice’ at all. They simply listen and ask good questions. So perhaps that was just a career guidance person or church person? You are 15. There is some normalcy to feeling lethargic and not wanting to do something as a teen. Your brain is still actually growing and you are under the influence of a lot of chemicals and hormones. So if this has been an issue since you hit puberty, might be partially related. It’s also been found that the teenager brain is not suited to getting up at 8am, hence a lot of teens are tired all the time. If school was changed to 11 to 6, it would probably match the circadian rhythms of a teenage brain much better! Otherwise, if you have any family struggles, past traumas, or any additional signs like negative thoughts and low self-esteem, you might have mild depression, which would be worth talking to a REAL counsellor or psychotherapist about.

Hi Catie, we can’t say over the internet and not knowing you for starters, but definitely not with that little info. It could be many things. We’d advise you get a full medical checkup to rule out a physical cause, and then book a session with a counsellor to talk about it.

George that is a LOT of overwhelming change for everyone. Not only did you lose your wife in some ways, as she’s now unable to take care of herself and as you say her mind is messed up, you lost your home, time with your kids… it’s hardly surprising you are struggling. It could be depression, depression and anxiety, you might even have a case of PTSD…. we would highly suggest you speak to someone. Take this seriously. Find a counsellor or therapist you feel comfortable around. It’s okay if you are nervous, they will expect that. Give it three of four sessions and see if you think you might grow to trust them. If you are on a low budget, we have an article to give you ideas on how to find support http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and also try googling your post code and ‘low cost counselling’ as well as ‘support groups’, there might be a free men’s support group in your area. Don’t be afraid to call a free help line if you are feeling very low. We are in the UK but we hear there are many in America, the Good Samaritans are definitely in your country too they are a great resource. In summary, do take how you feel seriously, you need support and you deserve it, we wish you courage!

Hi Aishwarya we can’t diagnose someone over a comment box! Being a teen is difficult. Hormones are all over the place, your brain is still growing, you are trying to figure out who you are. Many teens lack motivation as they are simply tired all the time, because in fact the teenage brain can be on a cycle that doesn’t match school hours (teenage brains would be better waking up at 10 or 11, not 7!). So on one hand, a lot of teens are very self critical and lack motivation. It can help to just realise that teenage years are hard, and try to be a bit more compassionate to yourself. You are doing the best you can. On the other hand, if you are worried, why not talk to someone? Have a chat with someone you trust, talk to a school counsellor, or call a hotline. If you are actually depressed they can get a better idea of it and even steer you in the direction of support. If you are in the UK you can find free hotlines in this article http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines

Hi Brian, we are sorry to hear you’ve gone through all this. Feeling unmotivated would be completely normal in this case. You might have long term complex PTSD, for example, or at the very least as you say depression. Nobody who has depression is motivated. So stop beating yourself up. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You’ve gone through a lot and you are doing the best you can.

Hi Sylvia, in this case we wonder if it’s more a case of being hard on yourself over not having motivation. If you have severe arthritis and use sticks it’s a lot to expect of yourself to get all the housework done alone and take your dog for a walk as well as entertain guests! It sounds like you need some support and help around the house and to congratulate yourself for all the things you can do, such as still driving and doing your best to keep a household running.

It’s a choice you are making. There is tons of help available for depression these days, even on a low budget.But the first step is to actually want to change, and to be willing to give up as identifying as unhappy and depressed and to form a new identity. The next step is to find support.

Jenny, we can’t diagnose someone based on an internet comment, but it could be that you are depressed. Read our article on different kinds of depression here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/types-of-depression.htm. Or take our ‘stressed, depressed, or both?” free quiz here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/quiz-stressed-or-depressed. Regardless of whether it is or isn’t depression, your moods are evidently affecting your daily life and coping. So it really is time to seek some support. Have you checked to see if your school offers free or low cost counselling? You’ll find it in UK and USA universities. Don’t be afraid to give it a go, that is why the service is there. and a counsellor is non judgemental, they’ll create a safe space to explore what is stressing you at this time.

Brett that sounds really tough. Two neck surgeries must have been fairly scary. If it did in any way traumatise you, the drugs might have blocked your processing of that. The fact that they were unsuccessful would have also been traumatic. It is possible that now you are not on the drugs all the unprocessed feelings and responses around the experience are sitting there waiting to be processed. And when there is a backlog of emotions/responses we can feel so overwhelmed our brain uses the defense mechanism of blanking out. Unfortunately it also blanks out everything. We are left zombie like. So what we’d suggest is you consider talking to someone about this. Explore a bit. Easy? No. Possibly scary as well? Yes. But sometimes the only way is through. You might even want to find a therapist who uses clinical hypnotherapy, if that is of interest. Best, HT p.s. you might find our article on depression and injuries interesting https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/injury-and-depression.htm

Brett, you’ve been through a lot. So we’d see it as getting some support, someone on side who is non judgemental and supportive and who creates a space you can vent in without having to worry about consequences.

Hi Lynne, you sound like a high achiever. Is it actually ok to you to be sad? Or a mess? As we have an inkling it isn’t. There is a sense here, even in this being just a comment, of holding yourself to a high standard and judging yourself if you don’t meet it. Note that you call yourself lazy, that’s a harsh judgement. Also, in our humble experience, being ‘so not a griever’ never works so well. Grief isn’t really a choice. Although we can choose to completely suppress it. The little problem there is that it is like holding a beach ball under water. It takes a heck of a lot of energy to keep all that sadness in check. And what happens when all our mental and psychological energy is being used to repress things? Our mind and energy is taken, and the rest of our life starts to slowly unravel. The more we valiantly try to protest we are ok, the more things fall apart. So we’d say it could be a backlog of built up repressed emotions, could be a type of burnout. But whatever the case, we’d say that self judgement stops us from being honest with ourselves. What if is was okay to not be perfect? And what if it was brave to be a mess? In summary we don’t think this is something to overlook. We think it’s something to dive into, preferably with some proper support. We aren’t here to push therapy on anyone, but over achievers can really benefit because the therapy room becomes the safe space to be less than together when they aren’t comfortable with doing so in front of others, even those they trust.

Glad you found it useful!

Hi there, is it possible this is the wrong question? That maybe what you need to explain to your dad is that it makes you feel underestimated and pretty bad that he would call you such a thing? Which is a pretty terrible and unsupportive thing to call a kid. And that it’s a shame he can’t recognise what you do do? You sound like someone who doesn’t like being told what to do but enjoys doing things when it’s your own choice. Pretty normal with teens… which is a time of life when you are determining your own identity and personal boundaries. Sometimes it can help to pay less attention to the fact that it’s something you are being forced to do and instead focus on the way it benefits you. For example, how can school and doing well in it benefit you? What can you get out of it? Make it more about you and less about them. Good luck!

Hi Elisha, sounds like depression. Is there a counsellor at your school you can talk to? Most colleges and universities provide free to low cost counselling to their students. We’d advice you gather up your courage and go talk to someone about this.

Hi Amnah, sounds hard. We obviously can’t diagnose someone we don’t know based on a comment. So we can’t tell you what’s going on, but we can tell you it sounds like you need to go see a doctor and then a counsellor. A doctor could rule out any physical issue or side effects from a medication that is causing possible low grade depression. If there was not a physical issue, a therapist could help you get to the bottom of your lack of motivation and depression. In either case, not something to ignore. Best of luck.

Victoria, it sounds like you really need support here, that’s a lot of loss, and it’s more normal than you think to consider dying yourself after those you really care about have….and you are engaging in self harm (not taking meds you need to survive is a form of self harm). If you really feel you are going to commit suicide, definitely do call emergency services. Otherwise, if you aren’t wanting to call a therapist, would you Have consider calling a help line? They are free, and the people on the other end are trained volunteers that are happy to talk with you. If you are in the UK here is a list of great help lines http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines if you are not in the UK google your area and the word help line. We wish you courage

Hi Grace, we aren’t sure what you mean by ‘retrenched’. But what is clear is that you don’t like your job and are having ideas of escape. It sounds like you might know what you want but not how to get there, or like you don’t believe that you can actually have a life you like. You have convinced yourself you are stuck, when really none of us are, we have free will. So you might want to work with a coach. They help you look at what you really want, and what is stopping you from getting it, including your own negative beliefs. Then together you make a step by step change to moving forward in ways that work. Good luck!

Hi Fiona, was it also a new city/country? What about this moving house was upsetting for you? Sounds like you are possibly depressed. So we’d imagine there is a lot more to this situation than just the new house. Is there any chance you’d consider some counselling? Could be a great relief to have someone unbiased and confidential to talk to ….

Savi, please go and look at our recent articles. You’ll find we’ve posted several about living through Covid and quarantine, and more importantly, you’ll find that what you are experiencing is actually normal. Even the sleep and appetite disruption, or wanting to withdraw… we have one article on what it does to your brain. Your entire body is changing because of less activity and a set of strange circumstances. You might be feeling depression simply as it’s a lot to take on, what is happening in the world, and if you are a sensitive person or had any previous stressful life experiences, you might be struggling more (we also have an article up on how to navigate lockdown as a sensitive person). But rest assured that MANY of us are. Many of us have found ourselves completely thrown off kilter with all the changes. As for those other people who are apparently all doing well, we’d say, that sounds like a big assumption. For all you know they are struggling to but are afraid to admit it, even as you are. As it sounds like you are in a circle of friends that are not transparent or close. What we would say reading this is it sounds like you have no support system. Friends you are not able to be authentic or open with (which is in some books not even friendship, worth noting), and it doesn’t sound like you have family to talk to. We’d say, for now, given the state of the world, go easy on yourself. Teachers know students are struggling, it’s to be expected. Do talk to a counsellor, as that is what they are they for. It’s again an assumption that nobody does, maybe just your friends don’t, but if nobody used them then they wouldn’t even be there. All you need to do is call up and book an appointment, they’ll explain from there. We’d say go to the counsellor not just as you are struggling now, but because it seems you are too hard on yourself, and make assumptions constantly over see a full perspective, with those assumptions always leaving you at a deficit. A counsellor can help you have a more rounded perspective, learn to give yourself some credit and recognise you are more than just your achievements, and also help you learn how to grow supportive relationships and a support circle. Best, HT

Hi Abby, totally normal to feel low motivation since Covid, for more on that use the search bar and find our articles on covid or try searching ‘coronavirus’. As for why you are sabotaging college, we can’t tell you over a comment box, we’d have to know you. But it would be a great idea to work with a counsellor on this anxiety and sabotage. We also notice you don’t have open and honest communications with your family, which implies to us there are issues there. Most schools have free counsellors, would you feel comfortable going and talking to the one at yours? They are there to help. You’d be surprised how many students suffer anxiety, depression, and sabotage just before the transition of leaving school. It’s a lot of change, and you might be afraid of all the differences ahead or even of being on your own. Best, HT

Hi Lexci, we would need to know you and a lot more about you to be able to say what the issue is. For starters, right now, with what’s going on in the world, a LOT of people are feeling unmotivated, anxious, depressed, and unable to do their usual activities. So try to cut yourself some slack. Could be depression, yes, and also feels like you just aren’t sure of who you are or what you want (note you mention artistic abilities, what made you mention it? Is there a chance you don’t actually WANT to work in healthcare, and you are sabotaging? Just a thought). A bit of life coaching would be helpful and you might, with some research, be able to find something low cost. It will help you get clear on what is really blocking you, what your values are, what beliefs are holding you back, and how to move forward. Best, HT.

Hi Bryan, it sounds like depression. A set of questions isn’t the answer. What you need to do is get support. We wouldn’t blame it on the drugs, no, that level of substance misuse (which by the way is substantial and serious) and lack of self-care happens because we are hiding from thoughts and feelings we don’t like, which generally come from difficult childhood experiences. The substance use is the symptom, not the issue. We hear you justifying it and trying to convince yourself you have no reason to be unmotivated or upset, that you ‘should’ be feeling and doing better. There are no shoulds. You are you, you feel what you feel, experiences affect you as they affect you, and the truth is that things aren’t going so well and you have to make a stand for yourself now, gather your courage, and get help. Don’t see this as a negative. We all have our own journey in life. Some of us have to go on the journey of self healing, but then along the way we become a person we never knew we could be, and it helps us connect to and help others. Best, HT.

Hi Michelle, it sounds a lot like depression. Depression isn’t laziness. Not at all. When we are depressed our brain just kind of shuts down. It really is hard to do things, it’s not in your head. The fact that you can’t talk to your parents and feel they wouldn’t want to help you says a lot about your relationship with them and your family. It sounds lonely. Our advice is, you’ve got to find some support. Suicidal thoughts are a big deal. Just because your parents won’t take you seriously doesn’t mean you can’t take yourself seriously. If you are at college that would mean you are legally an adult, and can book a therapist without their permission. Note that most colleges in UK/Canada/USA now offer free to low cost counselling. Contact your college to see what they have in the way of help. In emergencies, call a mental health line. That’s what they are there for. Or seek low cost counselling, you can learn how to find it here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Finally, are you still living at home? We find with a lot of young people aged 18-25, if you are still living at home, it can be the lack of independence that also adds to depression. You are ready to find your own feet in the world and make your own mistakes and step into being an adult but are stuck under the power of your parents still. If you can’t move out and be independent, given the global situation, start looking at ways you can be more independent. You might find some tips in this article https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/overbearing-parents.htm. Best, HT.

Hi Daniel, we are going to guess you are in America, given you were given two antidepressants and not offered therapy. Medication is great for masking symptoms and creating space to work out why we have those symptoms. That is all it does. It doesn’t fix anything. We personally find it upsetting that any doctor would put someone on antidepressants without also referring them on to therapy, but this seems to be an American phenomenon, leaking into the UK, where we are based. We also want to say that meds can backfire, some people feel more instead of less depressed. You really need to tell your doctor you feel nihilistic. They might be a very bad combo for you, and we can’t stress how important this is. There is a risk of suicide on anti depressants, please take this seriously. Book an appointment to see that doctor TODAY and if he doesn’t take your concern seriously go get a second opinion asap. So we would say a resounding yes, see a therapist. Depression is proven by years of research to improve with therapy. If you don’t want to do a deep dive into your past at the moment, there is a short term therapy called cognitive behavioural therapy, CBT, which focusses on helping you notice then manage the link between your thoughts and moods. With commitment to its tools it can revolutionise the way you think and mean you find yourself way less prone to deep mood dips. It’s a great stabiliser. From there you might feel stronger and more ready to try a longer term, deep diving therapy, like one from the humanistic school of thought we can’t say as we don’t know what your issues are other than depression. Best, HT.

Hi Ron, we’d say, try to go easy on yourself. There has been a massive rise in low motivation, we see it right across the board, and it’s connected to the world situation. Even if we think we are not bothered anymore about the entire pandemic, there is a sort of psychological fatigue and all round apathy we are seeing that is lowering many people’s ability to set and achieve goals or even affecting their daily coping. And it’s exactly that flat feeling you are talking about. Not depression or anxiety, just, ‘meh’. This article touches on it https://harleytherapy.com/blog/posts/bored-of-everything. The blahs. We’d suggest lowering your expectations of yourself and expanding your time containers for goals. If you had a goal you wanted for this year, give yourself an additional year to get there. Try to focus on what is going right each day, no matter if it’s just small moments. Best, HT.

Hi there Saffiyah, sounds tough, and really lonely. Being thirteen is really challenging. There are so many things that can be happening. School gets harder, and then at aged thirteen did you know your brain is actually growing? That alone, along with hormones can cause changes in sleeping patterns and moods. The reason a lot of teenagers want to sleep in and are alert only in the afternoon is not because they are lazy or lack motivation, it’s because their brains are actually often in a different ‘circadian rhythm’, which is the natural cycle of wake/sleep our bodies are designed for. If school went from noon to 7 we are convinced teens would do much better with everything. And around 13 we also realise that we aren’t a kid anymore. We have growing up staring us in the face, which can feel exhausting. Life is not going to be just about fun and it can feel very boring indeed. All this aside, there could be other things bothering you, we don’t know you or your life history. It’s a red flag to us that your mother didn’t seem to care about how you feel. Sometimes parents don’t mean to be terrible, they are just caught up in their own dramas and don’t really realise how upset we are. Sometimes they really just aren’t great parents. We don’t know the full story. If you had courage to try to tell her again that’s worth doing, in case she really just doesn’t realise how much you are struggling. Although it is concerning that you said you have to pretend to be fine to be accepted and that you are judged for not pretending to be fine. That is quite toxic, and exhausting. So look, if your Mother really is a no go zone, we’d really like to think you could find someone else to talk to. How would you feel about talking to the school counsellor? Or is there another adult you trust? Also give a google for free and confidential help lines for teens in your area, there are several in the UK if you are here, that you can call, text, or email, you can find a list here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. There are really friendly people waiting to talk at such charities, don’t be afraid to call if you are feeling particularly low. The good part about being a teenager is that you start to realise you are not your family. That you are an individual who will be deciding what she wants to do with her life for herself, who one day will be totally independent making all her own choices. You just have to keep hanging on in there. Try to notice each day one or two things, no matter how small, that are going right. Some people even write these things down in a ‘gratitude journal’. Then we can go back on the really tough days and have a read to remind ourselves that life is made of tough bits but good bits too, if we just keep going. Best, HT.

Hi Peter, sounds an awful lot for one person to deal with. There’s no use in beating yourself up for low motivation here, that wouldn’t be the main issue. It would be depression and anxiety. Depression makes us feel switched off and numb. You say you are ‘left with’ this toxic brother but what we aren’t understanding is what is driving the choice to be around him. Sometimes the best thing we can do in this kind of situation is get out on our own and take a break from family so we can remember who we are and what we want (we are assuming you are an adult over the age of 16). Is it a question of money? We don’t know what country you are in but if you are in the UK then there is a lot of support in the form of housing aid and unemployment benefits, and countries like the USA and Canada all have benefits available, it’s not a lot but enough to help you become independent. All this said, when we are depressed and/or in a state of shock (that’s a very traumatic experience, trying to resuscitate someone) we do understand it’s very hard even to make those steps to get help. But see it as one big push, gather up all your energy and make those phone calls. If it all seems much to navigate don’t overlook a charity that helps with mental health, in the UK that would be Mind, there are local chapters everywhere and they can help you get your life organised and even perhaps connect you with free/low cost counselling such as grief counselling. Although ideally after that sort of trauma also a therapy that directly deals with trauma without making you rehash what did/didn’t happen and retraumatise you, so, for example, EMDR therapy or CBT therapy. Note that if you are in the UK you can talk to your GP who will also put you forward for free counselling. Here is an article with ideas for other ways to get free/low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and here is a list of free, confidential help lines in the UK http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. We wish you courage. Best, HT.

Hi Scott. What we see here is a lot of dysfunctional thinking and unhappiness, yes. But here’s the thing. It also seems that you mistake yourself for your thoughts. That is like thinking a software program is the computer. You aren’t all these thoughts. You aren’t even your feelings. Who you are is much more profound than that, and we’d suggest that, given you are here reading about motivation, making an effort to still learn and advance, on a certain level you know that. On a certain level you actually very much do want to live, just not with all these thoughts, feelings, and horrible survivor’s guilt you carry. I mean if you could wake up tomorrow, with a few million dollars in your pocket in a place where nobody knew you and your history, would you really want to die? Or do you want to just die to what you experienced? And the loneliness it made you feel? So you say you ‘tried counselling’. We hesitate to ask what sort as if it was just general counselling after such an immense trauma, or even well intentioned grief therapy, it could have just gone and made you feel worse. Unfortunately there is a lot of poor referrals that happen and even therapists who don’t understand trauma. Have you heard of EMDR therapy? Eye movement therapy. It is a short term therapy designed particularly to help with a clear life changing trauma, to reprogram the brain away from its brutal and excruciating pain patterns. Use our search bar to find articles on it. And read our article on trauma therapy here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. We’d also suggest you learn mindfulness, which helps you separate the real You, capital Y, from all the ‘you’, the crazy thoughts and emotions. You can learn it for free in an hour, it’s easy, but then you have to put it into practice, daily. It’s proven by research to lower anxiety and be good for PTSD. http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Otherwise, if you have the courage, also consider finding a support group. Grief blinds us, leaves us feeling totally different than all others, but there are many people out there suffering from tragic loss who actually would not find you miserable and negative and unbearable, but just a person doing his best in the face of immense grief that they entirely understand. Best, HT.

Hello, We don’t think this is a question of motivation, just depression. When we are depressed our mind literally can’t function well. Beating ourselves up for not being motivated when our brain is low functioning just increases our depression. It’s clear you have created a life you don’t like but are afraid of changing it. What happens, if we don’t gather courage and make changes, is that depression hits and making change becomes out of reach. You say you are seeing a psychiatrist, are they an actual therapist? Do they help you work through your issues and set goals that move you forward? Or are they just prescribing medication? We don’t know what country you are in, but here in the UK psychiatrists tend to just diagnose, prescribe meds, and do check ins. Talk therapy is carried out by a counsellor or psychotherapist instead. Meds don’t change our life. They just lower our symptoms. The point (although some medical systems have lost the point in their drug prescribing frenzy, like in the USA) is to lower the symptoms so you can then do proper therapy that helps you move forward. Otherwise nothing will change. What we see here is what is called rumination, where our mind is essentially addicted to negative thought cycles. We literally can’t see the positives. For example, you mention that you make good money, are married, seem to have a home and pets, all things others very much hope for in life, but things you aren’t able to acknowledge at this time. Rumination also blinds us to opportunity even if it right in front of us and leaves us with doom thoughts, such as believing that despite living in a world where millions of people change jobs monthly we are somehow doomed to be the one person who can’t. We’d suggest CBT therapy as a great place to start, as it specialises in breaking negative thinking cycles and doesn’t dive into your past. You might also want to consider career coaching and general coaching. Coaching is about setting goals and achieving them, and not about endlessly talking about your past, which is better done when you have stablised. Until then we’d suggest looking into a gratitude practise http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise and then also learning mindfulness, which is a free and easy to use tool that helps with anxiety and depression and is used by many therapists in their work with clients http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And then stop beating yourself up. Most people who have a job they hate and spend hours getting to feel unhappy. It’s a normal response to a crap situation. Now get out there and get the support to change it. Best, HT.

Hi Mikayla, we can’t diagnose anyone based on a comment but those are symptoms of depression. Do you have someone you trust to talk to about this? Could you talk to the school counsellor? Or would your parents help you get some support if you are under the age of 18 and can’t do it for yourself? We have an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health and getting help here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.

Hi there H. First of all, you are far from alone in all of this. It seems the pandemic has created a serious issue with motivation for many, along with mild depression (which you very well might be dealing with, although we can’t diagnose that without knowing you). In a way, it’s done us all a favour. It’s been like a giant flashlight on all the things we’ve been going along with that actually, deep down, we don’t like and never have, but have been tricking ourselves into going along with by having a distracting social life or travelling often or whatever else it was the pandemic ended. So basically you realise you hate your job and you hate chores. Why do you think that means there is something wrong with you? Sounds to us like there is something RIGHT with you now. You are waking up to what you truly want in life. The depression happens as the fear sets in. Instead of thinking, how could I create a life where I didn’t have to do these things? You are assuming there is no choice. There is. You can live any life you want. Sure, there will be sacrifices and compromises. Less properties perhaps. But maybe not. That depends. What we do know is that there is no ‘way it is’, except in our heads. We have a lot of freedom in the Western world, if we are willing to question and compromise and hone in on what REALLY matters. The only thing missing here from what we can see, given you don’t seem to actually have a financial issue but quite the opposite, is 1) giving yourself permission. You are living as if some big teacher in the sky is watching you and you have to follow some rules. What is that about? Where does that belief come from? 2) Giving up caring what others think, a process that takes time but is a game changer 3) raising your self esteem enough to actually believe you deserve a life you like 4) finding a sense of meaning 5) getting some accountability into your life. And then outsourcing the jobs around the house, why do you feel you have to do them? Where did this belief come from? So regarding the accountability, there are TONS of people who can’t function without it. At. All. We have different brains. Instead of wasting time trying to be what you are not, find ways to make what you are work. What we think would do wonders for you is quite simply a life coach. They basically focus on giving you accountability, clarity, and then a sense of purpose. Existential psychotherapy might be interesting on the level of helping you create a life that you feel has meaning and has you jumping out of bed. And CBT therapy, a short term therapy that focuses on the hear and now, would be helpful for learning to manage your thoughts so that the cycle of negative thinking to despair is broken. You might be able to find a CBT-informed life coach, that might be just the ticket. In any case, we see a lot of options here, you just need help to see them and step forward. Seems really like you are in that moment where you are about to break out of the cocoon. It always feels the worst right before the step up to the next level, right before we gather our courage to try something new. We hope you have the courage to reach out and get some support. best, HT. p.s. comparing yourself to others is shown by research to be a one way ticket to feeling terrible. If you must compare, try ‘downwards comparison’, shown to do the reverse. Compare yourself to either previous less accomplished versions of yourself or people doing worse than you. We also suggest you use our search tool to find our articles on self compassion and also mindfulness, a free tool we think you’d really benefit from.

Hi there Autumn. We think you intuitively know what is happening here, it’s in the little comment, “I do have a feeling that once I get out of the house I will be better’. What we see here is a young woman whose life is heavily influenced, shall we say, by her family. Possibly borderline controlled. but since it all came with lots of smiles, she feels guilty if she doesn’t go along with it. You see here’s the thing. A child doesn’t need just ‘positivity’. A child needs to be HEARD. Listened to. To have her thoughts dreams and wishes really noticed, and appreciated. Not just her talents. To feel she’d be accepted even if she wasn’t talented or ‘winning’. You even feel guilty for daring to think your childhood wasn’t as rose coloured as you choose to paint it. We sense a lot of codependency, feeling you are worthy only if you are pleasing. In summary, yes, moving out would be ideal. It’s not healthy to live with parents longer than necessary, it blocks self growth, and in this situation there is even more it’s blocking, like you even getting to figure out the life you want and going towards it, instead you are living out your family’s dreams and trying to tell yourself they are yours. The reasons you gave for not moving out you give aren’t real blocks to doing so and are things we are sure you could navigate, given that big steps are always a challenge anyway. We also really think you would benefit from counselling. Most colleges now offer free to low cost counselling to students, have you looked into what yours offers? As it sounds like you could use some support to know who YOU are, outside your family, and all the expectations everyone has of you. No wonder you have mild depression, somewhere in there it sounds like the real you might have gone missing. Best, HT. p.s. just because we are good at something doesn’t mean we have to do it as a career. Talent is talent, not obligation. What would you choose to do with your life is suddenly you woke up in another country where nobody knew you or your history with a million dollars in your pocket? Worth daydreaming about and seeing what actually comes up. You might find music is really it, just not music under the pressure to be what your family want. You might find it isn’t. Both are perfectly valid choices. It’s your life, after all. You are the one who has to live it, nobody else.

So Fresky you are obviously a very smart person with good self awareness. Who is hard on himself and has faltering self esteem. We can’t diagnose you as we don’t know you and people are more complicated than a comment. What stands out though is that 1) you are very smart 2) you can in fact get what takes other people ages done very quickly at the last second 3) you are using stress via procrastination to quick start yourself, so to speak. So there are two things that lead to these patterns. One is depression, which can come in many forms. One such form is mild depression, where we keep going, but we feel blank inside. We sense several factors that are contributing here, such as first of all being right at the age most of us start to think ‘what the heck am I doing who am I’ after thinking we sorted that out as a teen then realising we didn’t (25 to 28 is when many people sort of gain a lot of self awareness, or start therapy for the first time). So in one sense it’s a normal time to feel lost and even depressed. Part of that is often as we are still under our parents influence and we really need to break free, and we sense some of that here. Being 25 but still not making decisions based on who we are and what we want is a direct route to feeling low. You say you don’t know what you are interested in, and that’s perfectly okay. Many of us don’t know naturally, and have to get to work to find out. There are some good articles here on finding your values and trying different perspectives that can help, use the search bar to find them. And therapy of course can do wonders here, in fact existential therapy and transpersonal therapy pretty much are designed just to help with this sort of issue, and those under the humanistic umbrella also focus on this, on figuring out who we are and what makes us happy. So it might be that depression caused by going against yourself is causing low dopamine and seeking a buzz. It might also be joined by repressed emotions you don’t want to deal with. You are worried ‘you might be nothing’. What does that ‘nothing’ feel like? You see the reason we distract ourselves and sabotage is to avoid feelings that scare us. What is behind the emptiness? A therapist also helps us stop dancing circles around ourselves because the way forward is always through not around. Then finally there is maybe a small chance there could be ADHD, we are not diagnosing you, but the cycle of avoidance, procrastination, then hyper focus is similar, then again many bright people also use this tactic as a way to make a life that is simply boring them more exciting and bearable. So it might just be that you are very smart and need to find your ‘tribe’, so to speak. The people who actually inspire you in a life that actually feels challenging and good. In summary, we don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with you. Or that you need to ‘change’. We think you are a bright person who needs to now find their own way and be true to themselves but is at the crossroads. You need to know who you are a bit more, and then to make some choices that propel you forward to environments where who you are is an asset. Could you gather your courage and book some therapy? We think you’d find it really benefitted you, just to have this space to work this out with someone non judgemental who can help you get to know yourself and make a plan forward. And finally, companies spend millions (billions?) designing the systems of social media that keep us all distracted. So you are not alone there, and it’s not something to judge yourself on. Best, HT.

Hi Michael, there is a lot going on here, and without really knowing you we really can’t offer any diagnosis or answers. We can only ask questions. There is an assumption here that it is your fault somehow, that somehow your mind isn’t good enough and it all comes from your head. That’s interesting, isn’t it? Are you sure that is true? For example what about it exactly feels like a chore? “Music” is enormous as a concept. What are all the exact steps, have you ever sat down and wrote down every single step between an idea, say, playing a show, and the end of that idea? The show over and all financials wrapped and reported etcetera? And if you did that, which steps are the ones that are actually the ones you don’t like? Is it the business side? Otherwise? Next big question. What makes you feel you have to do all of this alone? Or do you outsource anything? Have someone you report into every week who holds you accountable? What would it feel like if all the steps that you didn’t like were done by someone else? If monitoring what was or wasn’t being done was also done by someone else? What are the excuses you immediately make for why this is not possible? Are those excuses true? You see it’s all easy to blame ourselves and think what has to change to get to where we want is US. But what about the idea that you can get anywhere you want DESPITE all your apparent flaws? And that there is nobody out there with robot like efficiency who gets thinks done well all the time, always is sure what their passion is, always enjoys it, and always feels energetic? And that is just the great American creative myth? That has spanned a billion dollar industry happy to tell you the problem is you? Dig a bit and we’ll think you find a lot of people who make it in the arts have a team behind them, whether that is a family championing them, an assistant doing lots of the boring stuff, or a coach monitoring their focus. And yet so many artists put everything on their shoulders, feel exhausted, then blame themselves. We’d highly recommend a book called “Wishcraft” by Barbara Sher which is about getting to where you want without changing yourself at all but changing the ways you get there. It’s a practical book. That has been around a long time, written by a housewife who one day decided to be hugely successful without changing a thing about herself. It aligns with the behavioural concept of CBT, which is the idea that taking actions in spite of thoughts and feelings can end up meaning those anxious and depressed thoughts are diminished. Otherwise, we wonder if a coach might be the best fit for you. They are there to hold you accountable and help you progress and don’t engage in seeing what is ‘wrong’ with you but how you can use the resources you already have to advance. As for not having triggering thoughts, we’d imagine it’s more that you don’t hear your own thoughts clearly, and mindfulness is always a great practice to develop that capacity. Best, HT.

Hi there Lautaro, it is indeed to lack motivation if we are suffering from anxiety and depression. If life is hell and all you are doing is suffering could one of your goals be to seek some sort of support? There is counselling available for all budgets these days, we have an article here on how to find free or low cost counselling if you are on a budget. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Counselling helps lift depression and anxiety, which can see our motivation levels naturally raise.

Hi Nina, we don’t know you and can’t diagnose you based on a comment, but it sounds like a mix we see a lot of people suffering with since the pandemic, of anxiety and depression. We get looking for a therapist is hard but do try to gather all your energy and find some sort of help. If you are anxious about talking about your past consider trying CBT therapy, it’s short term and focuses on your current life and issues. It is also shown by research to help with anxiety and depression. Also note that it’s worth checking if your workplace insurance covers sessions of therapy, and if you are in the UK you can always talk to your GP and get referred on. Best, HT.

Hi Natalie, you need to go and speak to the doctor who prescribed these together and be very clear about what your symptoms are. If medications are not working then you need to deal with that. Medications are not magic, they don’t work for everyone, and combining medications often needs adjustments, HRT in particular can need tweaking. And then we’d ask if you were just described fluoextine we are guessing for depression, or were also offered therapy? We are actually against the American way of prescribing mood meds without therapy as mood meds are bandaids they cover symptoms but they don’t solve them, they don’t get to the root of them, the proper use of mood medications in our opinion is to create a stable window to then do work on yourself with the support of a counsellor or therapist, not just to get on meds then spend the rest of you life on meds. Finally, if your moods only became low during perimenopausal years we do hope that HRT was well explored first as perimenopause and menopause can cause depression and anxiety that can be really assisted by HRT alone in some cases with some counselling. Best, HT.

Hi there Carolina. So we would ask some very good questions here. Where did you learn that this is the ‘right’ way to lead life? What is the belief behind all of this? That to be good you have to be productive? Where did you learn that? Your parents? Instagram? From who? You see what we sense is that you actually have only a vague idea who you are. You have formed some sense of self from what you think you ‘should’ be over actually knowing who you are, what your desires and needs and values are. In some sense this is entirely normal. You are 19, and this is the time of life when we naturally ‘try on’ different identities until we figure out who we are. You are also finally away from your parents, suddenly have to be an adult and make decisions for yourself, which can be scary. So while a certain lack of identity is not unusual, it does sound like you are moving into depression. Sometimes a lack of identity can be rooted in deeper things, like a childhood where we had to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ to receive love and attention from caregivers. Trouble is we get so good at acting out that ‘good acceptable’ child we entirely lose sight of who we are along the way only to have an identity crisis somewhere down the line as an adult, because always pretending is one thing – exhausting. So in summary, we highly suggest you seek counselling. You are at university, and all UK universities now offer free to low cost counselling. Take advantage of this situation and go talk to someone about how you are feeling, about your ideas of what life should be like. It’s a confidential safe space that we think you’d find highly beneficial. Best, HT.

Hi Melody, we’d want to know more about what has changed between now and four years ago. For example, were you still working then? Were you surrounded by others? And now, how often do you see others and do things with others? Also, we’d ask a lot more about your statement that you don’t feel depressed, and we’d want to learn about your thinking and your feelings across the week, what you think depressed and happy actually are, we’d have a lot of questions. The problem is we don’t know you, and of course we can’t help someone we don’t know over a comment, as people we are all complicated, over a simple mathematical equation. So we are left guessing. Our first guess is loneliness at play, often we don’t even realise that is what it is if we haven’t really been alone before, but if you are used to being around others and now aren’t that can cause a real lack of motivation. The other things we’d look at is if you even know who you are and what inspires you. Sometimes if we fill our lives with busy things, and life we think we ‘should’ have, when all the busy stuff stops we aren’t even deep down sure what excites us or who we are, we never took the time to figure it out. We’ve been on auto pilot our whole lives without realising it! The exciting side to that is that once we realise it we can start to investigate what we really value and try new things. Otherwise we’d really suggest if at all possible you get some counselling over this. Counselling isn’t just for when our life is falling apart, it’s also for just when things aren’t working and we can’t figure out why and need some outside perspective. There are also some forms of therapy that focus just on helping you feel purpose and motivation, such as existential therapy, but general counselling would also be helpful, we’d imagine. If you are on a low budget, we have a guide to finding free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We truly feel this could all change, and we wish you courage. Best, HT.