Traumatic Bonding – How to Break Free of Trauma Bonds
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: aka Tman
by Andrea M. Darcy
Traumatic bonding happens when we are in an abusive relationship but feel unable to leave.
We hold onto a promised better future, focus on the positives and ignore the rest, and feel a sense of loyalty to the person everyone else says we must leave.
(Not sure you are or aren’t in a relationship with trauma bonds? Read our connected article, “What is Trauma Bonding?“).
9 Ways to break traumatic bonding
So how can you break free of a trauma bond when it feels easier to stay?
1. Stop the secret self-blame.
Is there a secret voice in your head that says you are to stupid or weak to leave, that you deserve this, that it’s the best you’ll get?
What if it’s not your fault that you can’t leave? What if, actually, your brain is programmed to be loyal to an abuser and see the best in an abusive situation?
The truth is that most of us who end up in this sort of relationship suffered abuse as a child, whether that was sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or physical abuse. As a child, making the best of the abusive situation was the only option.
Unless you did therapy to process your beliefs and experiences, your brain will still believe this is the best survival tactic – to put up with abuse.
If the person who abused you was a parent or family member, you might even have a deep-rooted unconscious core belief that abuse is love.
[Know you need to leave an abusive help, and want help ASAP? Book an affordable online or therapy counsellor today on our sister site harleytherapy.com .]
2. Start reality training.
A defence mechanism we use to stay trapped by a trauma bond is denial. We block out, quickly forget, and/or rewrite the reality of the abuse and focus on the things he or she promised – that future marriage that never comes, that day he or she quits drinking.
Making a record of everything that happens is a great start to ‘getting real’. But of course this must be something your abuser can never find. Leave the list at work, or in an email draft of an account he or she does not and will never have the pass code to.
Each day write down key points of what happened between you. What he or she said and did. Be as factual as possible. And sure, write down the good things, too. Start to see if there are patterns.
By: Bruce Dall
You might even want to write your entire relationship out like a story that happened to someone else. “One day, he was walking into a bar, and he met her…..”. When we remove ourselves like this, our unconscious allows forgotten things to surface.
3. Ask good questions.
Questions can shift our perspective, reveal our true feelings and give us clarity.
The secret is to learn how to ask good questions. Avoid ‘why’ questions, which send you on a spiral and can leave you depressed (learn more in our article on “the Power of the Right Questions to Move Your Life Forward”.)
How long ago did your partner start making promises? What has he or she done exactly to fulfil those promises? What is your ideal relationship? How does this relationship differ? What changes do you want your partner to make? What proof do you have they can make such changes?
4. Shift perspective.
A shift in perspective gives you all new clarity. You can try out the perspective of anyone, real or fictional, dead or alive, and even different versions of yourself.
How would your 80 year-old self feel looking back at your life? What would your 5 year old self tell you about what you are doing right now? If you bumped into Lady Gaga with your partner, what would she have to say? What about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? If you suddenly won the lottery, what would you do about this situation?
5. Start a long put-off project with all of your might.
The thing about trauma bonds is that we lose ourselves to them. Our entire life becomes about the intense highs and lows of the relationship. Putting our focus on a long put off goal is about remembering who we are. Make sure it is nothing to do with your partner. Whether it’s learning ballet, writing a novel, or finally finishing high school, this is your lifeline back to yourself.
6. Put your focus on feeling.
By: Lesley Chandler
Abuse is numbing. It leads to dissociation, where you feel you are floating out of your body. Or emotional dysregulation, where you have wild fluctuating big emotions, but through the storm don’t know which ones are your real feelings.
Starting to feel what we have been repressing gives us a clearer picture of what we are really going through.
Set your alarm to go off several times a day then sit for a minute trying to notice what you feel.
Can you name the emotion? (Bored isn’t an emotion. What is beneath the emotion? Sadness? Grief?). Check in with your body next. How I am feeling in my skin? Do I feel tension, unease, fatigue? Where in my body do I feel unwell or tense?
These tips come from mindfulness (read our free Guide to Mindfulness if you are curious).
7. Stop the games.
One of the ways a trauma bond thrives is through intensity and conflict. So one of the ways to dampen the bond is to stop your side of the battle.
- Stop the blame. Start noticing each time you say ‘you make me feel this when you do that’. Replace ‘you’ sentences by making them ‘I’ ones which stops the blame. “I feel this when you do that’.
- Stop demanding they explain things. Each time you hear yourself wanting to force them to explain try to step away and timeout. An abuser will never tell you the truth anyway.
- Make a list of all the ways you expect then to change. You cannot change someone else. Try to stop pushing for any of those changes (this will also help you see them more clearly).
- Have a friend you can call instead when you are upset. Use a timer so you only rant for 5 minutes. Enough time to break your need for intensity but not destroy your friendship.
8. Tap into something bigger than you.
By: Spirit-Fire
This does not mean you have to become religious, or believe in God.
For some, spirituality means getting out in nature, for others it is meditating and feeling a higher power. For others, it’s simply taking a quiet moment to think of all the other people in the world going through a similar situation and doing their best.
The point is to realise you are not alone. That there might be bigger reasons for you to be here, and it’s time to move forward.
9. Seek unbiased support.
If there is only one thing on this list you do, make it this one. Breaking a trauma bond is hard to do alone, and support is vital.
Unbiased support means support from someone outside the situation, who isn’t part of your life or invested in your choices. This might at first be a support group, or an online forum of other women who are going through something similar.
Do your best to find some professional support, too. Remember most trauma bonding happens because we already went through trauma in the past. So there is a lot going on, and it can be truly overwhelming to navigate alone. A professional is trained in helping you have clarity of thought and to find your inner resources. They are a willing ear, too, when you just need to rant or cry in ways you never usually let yourself.
If budget is an issue, read our article on low cost counselling, or check out our new sister site, which offers online and phone counselling at reasonable rates.
Ready to work with an experienced and kind therapist in central London who can help you finally break a trauma bond? Visit our main site. For therapy outside of London, or reasonably priced online and phone therapy from wherever you are in the world, visit harleytherapy.com.
Andrea M. Darcy is an established health and lifestyles writer who loves writing about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
If your friend is in a trauma bond, what would be the best way to support them out of state?
Hi Joshua, we aren’t quite clear what you are asking. It sounds like you are asking how to support a friend to leave a bad relationship where they are in a trauma bond? Unfortunately the decision to do so is up to your friend. And they will need professional support, which they must want to seek themselves. We can’t do someone’s journey for them. We would suggest you read our article on the right ways to suggest to a friend they need help (the wrong way can cause real damage) http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy
What if I was in a toxic relationship based on trauma bonding, but I’am disabled and we have children I can’t care for on my own, but I also can’t leave them alone with him. I can’t even care for myself, get food or my medication or anything else and I checked on every possibility to receive help, but there simply is none. And no one takes the issue of mental abuse and gaslighting seriously. No Money, no place to go, no possibility to have health insurrance after leaving him and only a friend that can offer emotional support, but can’t get us out or tell us where to go. Is there any possibilty to at least make the abuser less dangerous for the children or stop the tricks and gaslighting, so they can survive until they are old enough to escape? I don’t have the money for counselling or anything else.
We are really sad to hear you are feeling so trapped and lost. It definitely sounds like a really tough situation. You haven’t told us where you live, but we are imagining it must be the USA as here in the UK you’d receive government support and therapy can be found through the system. We’d suggest you look for charities that help those with disabilities and people in abusive relationships. The good thing about America is that there are a lot of such charities. They are incredibly helpful and might know about resources you didn’t. If you google your post code or city with ‘mental health charity’, ‘women’s charity’ ‘disabled charity’, and see what comes up, then do call them.
I left an abuse relationship. And I have been out for about 2 years and I still struggle. I blame myself. I wish I didn’t stay as long as I did (8 years). I want the thoughts of him to leave. I want the feeling that I wasn’t good enough to leave. How do you fix that part of yourself?
Hi Juli, first of all, give yourself some credit for leaving! That is huge. It can take a long time to move on, especially as trauma brain is addicted to pain a lot of the time. We HIGHLY advise therapy. If you were in a traumatic relationship it will be connected to childhood trauma. It can be a good idea to start with some CBT therapy, which doesn’t re-traumatise you by making you talk about your past when you are too vulnerable, it just helps you train your brain away from negative thoughts and teaches you take more positive actions. And it’s short term. http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy. You might also find our article on therapies that work with trauma useful http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Hope that helps!
I had an abusive mother, sadly my father died in an accident when I was 7 years old. My twin sister and mom saw it happen. It was after that that my mother became depressed,angry,abusive, I felt like I had lost both my parents. and I recognise the “trauma bonding” I am 59 now and my mother has died 23 years ago. I have been to therapy and councelling over the years. However I find that I still TRYING to work through issues over the abuse, issues still raise there ugly heads. I started in therapy in my twenties, will I ever be “done” or is this my life sentence, working through this stuff forever? I also should tell you that I have Schtzoid-affective disorder. I have a psychiatrist and meds and most of the time I am very stable. Just wondering what your advice for me would be, your thoughts ect., looking forward to your message. Thanks for taking time for me, signed “frustrated”
Hi there Lucy. It’s very hard to say much over a comment box. As we are sure you can appreciate, people are complicated, we can’t ‘know’ you over a comment, it requires working with someone in person. But we would say that the idea there is a perfect, always happy, always calm ‘healed’ person out there is really a myth. Life is messy. Humans are messy. Even the ones who seem like they have it all together really don’t, or one day they will come up against a hard life change and they, too, will have a hard time. And being human is definitely a life sentence! What about giving yourself some credit for all this effort? For having the courage to get help, for continuing to work on things? The only other thing we’d say is that abuse leads to long-term PTSD. When we have long-term PTSD not all types of talk therapy work, some can backfire and ‘re-trigger’ us. So there are certain therapies that are much better than others for helping the PTSD side of things We have an article on it here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. All the best.
Hi I’ve been married to my abusive partner for 15yrs. Although we are still living in the same house he has been giving me the silent treatment now for 6 months. I am caring for my 88 yr old father. In the last 3yrs I have had to sell my home, my younger brother and only sybling died suddenly at 46yrs followed by my mother 10 months later. I have no friends as a result of my husband’s control and possessiveness. I feel so alone and I’m in so much pain.I’m finding it impossible to trust anyone. Looking back I know I was abused by my mother who made me the scapegoat while idolising my brother. I don’t know how to keep going while I am in so much pain. Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks
Pam that sounds truly dreadful and difficult. It must have taken a lot of courage to work through all that and it’s no surprise you feel lonely. Have you ever reached out for help? Or to find other women who are going through the same? Sometimes it’s just having someone who understands and doesn’t have any expectations of you that makes all the difference. There are forums, and google for a free support group in your area or also a mental health charity that helps women in abusive relationships. They will respect your privacy and the volunteers are usually wonderful. If you would like to try counselling but you can’t afford therapy, you can find very cheap or even free therapy by working with for example a graduate student, read our article for inspirations on how to find that here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We just want you to find support because the loneliness is sometimes the worst part of navigating trauma. We wish you all the best.
I am currently in the process of leaving an abusive, trauma based relationship. The thing is we are both the abuser and victim. We both have a background in all manners of abuse and neglect from our caregivers and when we found each other it was the perfect storm. I thought I was going to be her friend and help her recover her life. But all I was doing was projecting my own unresolved hurt onto her and as the trauma bond unfolded it unleashed all of my own abusive tendencies. I have believed many of my own lies and kept myself in this relationship for way too long. I kept telling myself we’ll both change and make up for the wrong doing by learning how to love each other properly. I now realise what we do isn’t love at all and the only solution is to leave. I guess I’m not really asking for any advice. I just publicly want to own my own participation in this unhealthy relationship. I am glad to finally be strong enough to see this situation for what it is, a constant replay of the abuse we both suffered and never recovered from as children. Abuse is a perpetual cycle. I know the path to recovering my life will be a day by day process. But I am looking forward to doing the work and rebuilding. This article was spot on.
Thank you so much for this sharing we are sure it will help other readers. When two traumatised people try to love and help each other it is really really hard. It’s like two people who are struggling to stay afloat in a sea grabbing onto each other and trying to help each other but also trying to survive, one person is always being pushed under… and a very addictive cycle can begin of push/pull, intensity/distance. In some cases a third person who isn’t traumatised can be like the lifeboat, such as a couples counsellor, but it is a big undertaking that both people need to want and have to have the energy for. You sound like you did your best but you realise now that it’s not working and that is powerful. We really honour you for your self awareness and your capacity to be honest with yourself. It’s okay to make messes in life. It doesn’t make us a bad person. We are all human, what matters is that we are learning and trying. All the best, Harley Therapy.
I have been in a relationship for 20 years that has always been difficult (a Jekyll and Hyde character with anger issues, gaslighting, manipulation, etc). However I love the good side of him and feel completely at a loss as to how to get out (we are living together though it is my house). I know I could legitimately throw him out and change the locks but do not want to be so callous – I feel he is central to my life and there would just be a huge hole and disintegration without him there, though I also know what is happening is often toxic and making me unhappy.
Hi Sara, we note how you start by trying to make out you are not going to ask him to leave as you want to be nice, ‘do not want to be so callous’… but that you then manage to admit he is central to your life and actually you don’t really want this to end as you’d feel a ‘huge hole’. This is a good swing, as the more you accept your responsibility for this situation, and for staying in it and choosing it, the more personal power you claim to then change it. As being a victim helps nobody. So give yourself some congratulations for seeing this full picture and recognising you are choosing it. As for what to do, you are making it an all of nothing…black/white. But there are shades of grey one can start with. For example, couples counselling. Or therapy just for yourself. The truth is these sorts of relationships are never about just the two people in the relationship, but their histories, their childhoods, their long-term toxic patterns. If you can’t leave this situation, then work on that stuff, and things will change in the relationship as a by product. We wish you courage!
It has taken me nearly 4 years to finally trust my initial instincts…. From the outset I knew he lied….however I carried on seeing him as i believed it suited me .. that i was in control… but i wasnt… I know now that is how a covert narcassist works…. So many lies .. ghosting … excuses…. His self loathing almost was the attraction… that i could sort him… make him better… and in turn make myself feel enabled in some way… He never paid for anything… Talked of a future life together… however … after 4 years of this on/off non violent relationship.. he eventually flipped after i confronted him with steadfast proof of his lies…. I tell people close to me that he had some sort of mental episode… So it seems I am still covering for him… although I know it will all come out in forthcoming court case…. as… with a narcissist… he plead not guilty to malicious damage…. They never ever admit when they are wrong…..
Im currently in a trauma bonded relationship ive been with him for 7 years i got with him when i was 16 and he was 38 now i. 23 and he is 45. I just discovered this article and the other first one about trauma bonding that had a link to this one at the end of it. After reading it all ive realized what is going on everything in both articles couldnt be anymore on point and exactly what and how our relationship has always been.. Ive never understood before why i just couldn’t bring myself to leave him even tho everybody i know says i should. Now that i know all of this i think i might have a real chance at breaking free. Now i know im not just crazy or over reacting about stuff..
I think I’m in a trauma bonding relationship with a guy who has 2 kids from two different women …. I met him and everything was great, but I k ow he’s a liar … I’ve helped him through the worst of times and been for him…. he is a player too…… he has been swing a girl way younger and I know this but I’m not able to leave …. he has been for me when no one else has seen me….. we do everything together well before break up … like lit everything…even though we broke up we still see each other he understands plans listens as nobody has done and I feel him and understand him a lot … hard relationship
If you had trauma or a difficult childhood, then yes, this does sound like trauma bonding. Otherwise it’s an addictive relationship. Follow the advice in the article, including seeking support. Best, HT.
Hi Marissa we are really glad the article helped. Breaking away from addictive, trauma based relationships is difficult, so do reach out for support if you can. Best, HT
Hi Pearl, we aren’t going to agree with you, we’re afraid. That he is the covert narcissist and you are a ‘victim’. Sorry to break it to you, but you say that you knew he lied, and stayed with him as ‘it suited you and you were in control’. THAT is narcissism. You also knew he hated himself, and admit that made you feel ‘enabled in some way’. Which is codependency and manipulation. And it sounds like you are obsessed with every little thing he does wrong, were always keeping a ‘list’ of his faults to tell him (control). So in summary, you have your own set of issues and problems, so we’d say focus on those. You can’t change someone else. If you chose to be with someone who from the start you had nothing but disdain for, that’s on you, and says more about you than him. We aren’t saying he’s some great guy who didn’t mess up, we don’t know him, but we’d say it certainly sounds at least equal. We see this victim vs narcissist mentality all across the net these days, it helps no one and is actually disempowering for women and incredibly toxic. Refusing to see how powerful you are and how you’ve also wielded your power in unhealthy unkind ways simply keeps you trapped and obsessed and a victim instead of moving you forward. Best, HT.
Hello,
I am trying so hard right now to end a relationship with an extremely emotionally abusive alcoholic and addict. It has been going on for 7 years. When it started, he did something so horrific and terrifying that I had to escape with a friend and he ended up being arrested. Once he was in jail, he sobered up and called me to apologize, and was clearheaded. He seemed to be genuinely remorseful… this cycle continued for years. The longest I was away from him was 2 years and I thought I had healed and moved on, but then I ran back into him and he had seemed to change so much- the control he has over me, he basically snapped his fingers and we were back together. That was two years ago now and these past two years have been complete hell. This cycle of him loving me so deeply and passionately and then instantaneously becoming angry and abusive and the cheating and the lying and the sexual abuse and the awful things he has said to me- an incident last week finally made me see that he isn’t just a damaged addict who needs support but a narcissist and probably a sociopath. I have realized that the love I feel for him is not love but actually a trauma bond and this article was very helpful in processing that realization- and I have been trying to do no contact… but I feel so angry, so hurt… the feeling is like I am going through withdrawal… I know that I have to heal and I have to stay strong and not contact him and keep seeing the truth and what really happened and not fall into the false person he has presented me with, but it is so hard. It is so hard to accept that the person I love is not real. That he is actually this awful monster and doesn’t care about me. That I put so much love and understanding and support and money into our relationship and all he did was take and now I feel empty and sad and hollow. How do I get back to the person I used to be?
I am doing my best to find support, but my resources are limited… I just want to talk to someone out loud about everything that happened- I just have to get it all out of my head and hear myself say it out loud… don’t know where to go from here… I’m so afraid I am going to fall back into his web.
Hi Angela. You’ve got to get support. Please read our article on how to find low to no cost therapy. Or find a support group. SLAA, sex and love addicts anonymous, or codependents anonymous, they are free and in all major cities. http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. What you are doing now is dividing things into good/bad, right/wrong, evil/pure. While that might temporarily feel helpful, note that it also keeps you stuck in victim mode. To pretend you are innocent and right and he is the big bad monster means you are the poor victim with no power. When really you are also a person with a matching set of issues she needs help with, her own shadow side, and who has the power to make strong choices. We can’t have both, we can’t be the poor innocent victim and the powerful person who moves her self forward and actually faces up to her sh*t so she doesn’t end up in this place again. It’s one or the other. If you want to play, ‘poor me, he is a big evil sociopath’ you’ll find thousands of women on the net willing to support this viewpoint. But note how healthy they are themselves, how addicted they are to being victims, and how they keep living the same story again and again, and how manipulative they often are themselves. The truth is that being human is hard. Very. Nobody is perfect. but that you need to take care of yourself now and face up to your own problems and look at the ways you’ve abused yourself with bad decisions you made then learn how to make better ones. Healthy people don’t end up in relationships with unhealthy people, only already unhealthy people do. Your problems would have started long before this man with your childhood. So get help and get healthy. Best, HT.
Hi
So I’ve finally gotten out of an physically abusive 2 year relationship. He was so controlling down to how I could spend my money or what I could wear out. After each physical assault he would be so caring and sweet promising he wouldn’t hit me again just to hit me again. I don’t know why I kept going back my friends and family couldn’t understand either. It’s only been a little over a month since I left and I find myself constantly thinking about him or what he might be doing and it makes me sick. How could I care for someone who’s hurt me so bad. He’s never fully taken responsibility for the assaults. It was more of “I’m sorry about your black eye and broken nose but…” followed by some type of justification for doing it, like it was no big deal. I just want to move on and be happy because it feels like that’ll never be an option 🙁
Hi Casey, as you’ll read in the articles we can’t just make traumatic bonds go away as they are deeply embedded to our childhoods and ideas of love. We need help. It’s time to reach out to a counsellor or at the very least a support group and look at where this pattern comes from and learn new ways forward before you fall into another abusive relationship. Best, HT.
(EDITED FOR BREVITY) I worked hard to break out of the Traumabond, it was very strong with me for I was abused by my father, physically, emotionally and psychologically, I was allowed no personal power, was not heard or seen, but was a victim for 18 + years. I was not supported in the home by my mother, she gave in to him. My siblings began to abuse me also for they didn’t want to be his victim. I realized this in later years. I escaped as I had planned at graduation from High School. He tried to take my life when I went there to confront him, he strangled me and I fell to the floor. I was living in a warzone, I was isolated and not allowed to have any friends. That way he felt he could have easier access to me. I used dissociation to survive what I knew I had to endure, I turned off my feelings, until the age of 12 years. I felt extreme anxiety and terror as a young toddler and then cut my feelings off at the age of 6 years. I felt that I could not survive if I went through the abuse, I always knew that something was terribly wrong with them. That I was not loved and that they were sick. So I did this order to survive.
I got involved in good relationships for over 12 yrs. I didn’t have a good relationship with myself. I felt worthless, depressed , much anxiety, I had learned learned helplessness for I never was helped and everyone pretended that reality wasn’t reality.
I met up with a another Malignant Narcissist in 1989. He raped and disabled me, and gave me a disease of severe unrelenting fire pain in the bladder, I could not ever be sexual again, for it was far to painful. I was severely disabled…… he blocked me from getting a job I needed.
Domestically violated me, psychologically and emotional tortured me. He when he felt like having his affairs, would have me set up to have to go into psych facilities, He smeared campaigned me and destroyed my name.
I had a syncopal attack and needed help. A friend came over to the residence, he witnessed it when my husband wouldn’t help. My friend said No, you need to get to the hospital and he paid for the cab. I went to the hospital and within 5 minutes upon arrival, I had a Cardiac Arrest at the Hospital in 1991. They were able to save my life and brought me back.I gave my friend an Award for saving my life, In 2005 my x husband as he became . He called the police in the early AM and said that he was going to be blamed for the bruises on my legs. He did this behind my back. When they came to the door, I asked them if I could help them, I was told that I was going to jail because I was going to blame my x husband for the bruises on my legs. I said to them I don’t know what you’re talking about. I wasn’t even bruised and never thought to call the police. That evening the deadbolt on my door kept being unlocked and I would quickly lock it, I called the Police and said that someone was trying to break into the home. They came and didn’t find anyone there at the front door, so they left. It began again and I struggled at the door to keep it closed. I ran into the bedroom in the back of Condo and called the Police again, When they got there I was beaten half to death in a coma, and bruised all over my body , they had taken photographs several and showed them to me when I woke up a week later. I was waiting to be released after I had recovered from the coma, They then told me that I was being sent to Fair Oaks to the Psych Ward, I asked them why, they said that my X husband had told them I was a drug addict and I was psychotic and bipolar.
I met up with another Malignant Narcissist, he also smeared my name to isolate me, he stonewalled,withheld affection and sex, he lied constantly, he played Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, the brainwashing reinforcement Patterns which reinforces the Traumabond, I tried so hard to leave this person.
I studied learned helplessness and how to undo it, I studied the Trauma bond and learned to try to live in reality, in real time, to feel what it really felt like, not what I hoped it would be. This were not real love, this was the Traumabond, the Stockholm Syndrome, I wrote out my Personal Boundaries after I learned what they were and made copies and put them on my wall and in other places, I studied them daily, but still I could not implement them and use them with him,
I finally texted the Malignant Narcissist and told him goodbye , that it was over, that he couldn’t abuse me anymore, I wouldn’t ever again accept it. Being in a safe place helps you to get in touch with your real feelings, I broke the Traumabond that night,, I am absolutely forever NO Contact, ready to face any pain I must go through, no pain no gain, the only way out is through. I know that the pain will end. I know it will be up and down but get better. I had been through so much pain in my life I didn’t want to go through anymore, but in order to fully recover I had to face this and I am.
I take care of myself today. I had been bullied since the 3rd grade to the 12th by excessive numbers of kids in the class, That also was part of not having my voice, not owning my personal power. I felt God helping me the night that I wrote to him and the release and freedom I felt. I have been building a new life for myself. I have discovering who I am, journaling, doing my photography, I sing, I write music, I study medicine, I study science and design and architecture. I love life, I have become awake and see beauty so deeply and I feel again all of my feelings and emotions. I am becoming more and more whole. Myself at last.
I left a 11 year relationship with a man who is married when we met and he left his family in about three years and on the typical covert narcissist my stayed I stayed I left I stayed well I finally left a year ago and he has since married somebody that he met two months after I left I just can’t get them out of my head I look on Facebook and I just don’t obsessed I’m like addicted to this and he has blocked every way for me to get a hold of him and I just want explanations I know it’s all just wrong and I don’t know how to make a stop it’s consumed me and I just wanted to and I want to be happy and I’m not I need help
Hi Dianna, we agree that it would be a great idea to get help. As we suspect you are aware this is not about him but about you, and will be a much bigger issue with roots back to childhood related to what you think love is and your levels of self worth that had you engage with this man in the first place. You need the proper support a good therapist could offer, and to commit to the healing path, not a return response on a comment. If you are on a low budget, we have an article on how to find low cost or even free counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
Omg, the article is so good and the help provided in the comments about made me cry. The harsher ones are about me, I must say. Taking responsibility when I coulda left the first time he screamed at me to get out of our shared house. (I co-own it.) “You’ll be OUT ON THE STREET! HOMELESS!” Yes, this is what he dreams about for his wife. He set me up from the beginning, badmouthing me to his relatives who are his abusers by proxy. I’m trauma-bonded. I’ve known this, but NEVER seen anything how to get over it. Believe me, I’ve looked. I do need therapy, but am economically abused, as well. Will check out low cost opx.
Glad it helped!
I don’t know if I am really in a trauma bond relationship, but after reading this article I can somewhat say that I am really in a so called situation. My boyfriend and I have been in an on and off relationship, the reason we’re calling it off sometimes is because of my attitude which I nag about being treated well which I should not supposedly be doing because the right person will actually give it without you even asking for it. But I find myself clinging to his presence even though I know in myself i deserve better. Everytime we seperate he’ll find another girl, and I kinda miss him kinda regret that I broke up with him and the next thing is he’ll leave that girl and eventually fix our relationship. He’s a good guy but sometimes he gaslit me everytime I raise a concern. It’s really hard to leave especially that I have a hope that he’ll change, he’ll communicate better and he’ll understand that I do not mean to attack but to make our relationship work.
Hi, I’m 28 years old and live in Germany. One year ago I had a bad experience in social media and got PTSD as I had this experience and some kind of Bullying situation . I had really dark year and I even wanted to kill myself. Fortunately those days are passed. I won’t blame that person because he apologized many times and tried to compensate but it was hard for me to feel what’s going on and I couldn’t even feel my body and my emotions. So that person suffered also a lot. I’ve read a lot about PTSD and used many techniques to help myself alone as PTSD Therapy is really expensive. I have still many problems. First, I feel Depression and have forgot some part of this period. I need to clearly remember everything but I can’t . I don’t have enough Focus on my daily life. And I’m really attached to this person, he has a program on social media and I everyday listen to him. He tried to talk to me many times but I’ve afraid to talk to him. I wished to have a positive friendship with this person but it could not happen and i think It would be always a regret for me. I don’t know what to do with this regret feeling. I will appreciate you for your Advice.
Is it possible to have a trauma response to someone who “does nothing wrong”?
I’m worried that I am always going to be attracted to and attract abusive partners. I’ve done a lot of healing and counselling. I currently take medication for anxiety and depression and finally feel I have control over my mental health. Despite all this the last 3 people I tried to date ended up all being abusive it’s like I’m stuck in a never ending cycle of trauma bonding. I hate it. I want to attract someone as kind and caring as me.
This is really good blog post ! 🙂