{"id":100041,"date":"2018-09-25T11:00:27","date_gmt":"2018-09-25T10:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=100041"},"modified":"2023-03-09T19:15:37","modified_gmt":"2023-03-09T19:15:37","slug":"reparenting-yourself-how-to-heal-the-mother-wound","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/reparenting-yourself-how-to-heal-the-mother-wound.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Heal the Mother Wound"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"how<\/a>

By: pallavi_damera<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Our mothers give us life.<\/strong> In the face of this, it can feel hard to admit if our mother was unable to provide us with the unconditional love<\/a>, support and safety<\/a> we needed.<\/p>\n

How can we heal the mother wound<\/a> and stop wandering through life without the self-esteem<\/a> that others seem to naturally have?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

[At the end of your rope over your relationship with your mother? We understand. Book a session with one of our online therapists<\/a>, and you can be talking to someone as soon as tomorrow.]<\/span><\/p>\n

Reparenting yourself – a How -To Guide<\/h2>\n

Yes, when it comes to being under-mothered we need to work on<\/strong> acceptance, letting go, and the level of forgiveness<\/a> that works for us.<\/p>\n

But to heal the mother wound we also need to find ways to give ourselves all that we did not receive as a child. And the faster we do that, the more energy we have for forgiveness<\/a> and acceptance<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What are these things we missed out on?\u00a0 And what tools can we use to get them?<\/em><\/p>\n

1. Love.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Most under-mothered adults deep down do not feel loveable just how they are.\u00a0<\/strong>We feel that we have to earn love<\/a>, or that we have to accept relationships where we aren\u2019t loved<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The step to take here is to become brutally honest with yourself<\/strong>\u00a0by asking good questions<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Are you actually codependent<\/a> or counter-dependent<\/a>?<\/li>\n
  2. Do you have anxious attachment or avoidant attachment<\/a>?<\/li>\n
  3. What sorts of friendships<\/a> and relationships<\/a> are you always engaging in?<\/li>\n
  4. What are your actual core beliefs<\/a> around love?<\/li>\n
  5. How do you block and sabotage love<\/a>?<\/li>\n
  6. Do you even, deep down, believe love exists?<\/li>\n
  7. What ways have you tried to get love that clearly haven\u2019t worked? Have you tried to manipulate, or cling, or beg for love<\/a>?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    2. Structure.<\/span><\/h3>\n
    \"healing<\/a>

    By: Bradley Stemke<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

    Are you completely unorganised? <\/strong>Messy despite best effort? Always missing appointments<\/a>?<\/p>\n

    This can come from a mother who was inconsistent with her <\/strong>affection.\u00a0 Meaning as a child you had to always be available and on alert for morsels of attention.<\/p>\n

    As an adult you can unwittingly be doing the same thing. Your lack of scheduling and commitment can be a way to be ‘always available’.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    Spend two weeks writing down what you do every hour to get a real idea of <\/strong>where your time is going. Set a timer to go off on the hour to remind you.<\/p>\n

    The results can be eye opening. Try not to judge yourself but instead decide what<\/strong> you want to let go of or change. Learn\u00a0about time management and how to set and achieve goals<\/a>. If you find this very hard, consider some sessions with a life coach<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    3. Limits.<\/span><\/h3>\n

    If you had to be a \u2018good, perfect\u2019 child for mother growing up, or your mother over-relied on you as her source of identity?<\/strong> Then you missed the learning curve of\u00a0setting healthy boundaries<\/a> and saying no<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    The result? An adult who is<\/strong> always exhausted<\/a> from doing too much for others, never has time for what brings them joy, and feels stuck in life<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    It’s time to study and learn<\/strong> what personal boundaries are<\/a> and how to say no in ways that work<\/a>. Give yourself a big time container to learn these skills, as it can feel very uncomfortable at first.<\/p>\n

    4. Identity.<\/span><\/h3>\n

    Children who have inconsistent parenting often learn to be the child the adults around them want. It\u2019s a way to survive<\/strong> around a mother who is volatile or unwell, or who punishes you.<\/p>\n

    The result is we get so used to fitting ourselves around the needs of others, we end up an adult who has no idea who he or she is<\/a>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    Consistent journalling<\/a> can help here.<\/p>\n

    But one of the best tools i<\/strong>s mindfulness<\/a>. Mindfulness<\/a> pulls us away from our worries<\/a> and analysing and into what we feel and think right here and now<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    And don’t worry, it’s easy to learn<\/strong> – read our free ‘Guide to Mindfulness’<\/a>, and try a mindfulness app<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    \"heal

    By: crudmucosa<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

    5. Guidance.<\/span><\/h3>\n

    Are you indecisive<\/a>? Never know what you really want? Tend to do what other people tell you, and then regret it or feel angry<\/a>?<\/p>\n

    When we don\u2019t have a strong mothering presence guiding us as a child, we can unconsciously seek all answers from others as an adult. We don’t learn to recognise our own needs and desires and hear our own instincts.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    It\u2019s time to develop your own inner guidance system, or \u2018inner parent\u2019.<\/strong> Mindfulness<\/a> is again highly recommended. It gives you direct access to your \u2018inner wisdom\u2019, a voice that waits behind the criticism and overthinking.<\/p>\n

    Body awareness<\/a> is also a useful tool here. Learn to notice your<\/strong> physical response to decisions. Are you constantly pushing yourself to do things that give you anxiety<\/a> or fear just because someone else told you you \u2018should\u2019?<\/p>\n

    And learn the art of<\/strong> good questions<\/a>. This means sitting down and spending time journalling responses to \u2018how\u2019 and \u2018what\u2019 questions (avoid the \u2018whys\u2019, they lead to dispiriting rabbit holes).<\/p>\n

    6. Self-acceptance.<\/span><\/h3>\n

    The sister of love is self-acceptance. And it\u2019s actually far easier to achieve than self-love<\/a>, which tends to come in its wake anyway.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    The first thing is again awareness. Often the soundtrack in our mind is<\/strong> something we aren\u2019t even aware is hugely self critical and mean to ourselves. We are accustomed to our\u00a0negative thinking.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Check in with yourself several times a day <\/strong>(read our article on how to learn what you think and feel<\/a>). What have you just said against yourself?<\/p>\n

    And try learning thought charts<\/a>, a CBT therapy tool<\/a> proven to stop a tendency to black and white thinking<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Then shift your focus to what is right about you and your life. Each day take time to write out not just three things you are grateful for, but three things you’ve achieved, no matter how small.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    As for raising your self-esteem, the best tool here is<\/strong> self-compassion<\/a>. This means constantly asking yourself, would I say or do that to my best friend? Then why am I doing or saying it to myself? How can I start to treat myself as well as I treat my friends?<\/p>\n

    When is it time for support?<\/h2>\n

    Growing up without the mothering we need can indeed leave us with real psychological issues that take time and commitment to overcome.<\/strong> Low self-esteem<\/a> and relationship problems<\/a> are common.<\/p>\n

    Yes, there are a lot of great self help tools nowadays. But working with <\/strong>a counsellor or psychotherapist<\/a> can fast-track your results.\u00a0There is something about the calm, non-judgmental space that therapy provides that means we have self revelations faster.<\/p>\n

    And some therapists also provide<\/strong> psychotherapeutic reparenting<\/a>. This means they stand in, within limits, as the parent you never truly had. It can be the support you need to learn to trust both yourself and others.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Are you ready for support with your mother issues? Harley Therapy puts you in touch with London’s top therapists<\/a><\/span> in central locations. Not in London? Our online booking platform<\/a><\/span> connects you to therapists across the UK and now globally via Online therapy<\/a><\/span>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n

    \"AndreaAndrea M. Darcy<\/a><\/b> is a mental health and wellbeing expert and mentor, who has done some training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She grew up without much mothering so knows a thing or two about all the things she shares in this article! Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    by Andrea M. Darcy Our mothers give us life. In the face of this, it can feel hard to admit if our mother was unable to provide us with the unconditional love, support and safety we needed. How can we heal the mother wound and stop wandering through life without the self-esteem that others seem […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":100043,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[21,125],"tags":[188,438,115,262],"class_list":["post-100041","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety-and-stress","category-self-esteem","tag-attachment-theory","tag-mother-wound","tag-parenting","tag-self-esteem-2","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Heal the Mother Wound - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How can you heal the 'mother wound'? It means being the parent you never had to yourself. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":4,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Our mothers give us life. In the face of this, it can feel hard to admit if our mother was unable to provide us with the unconditional love, support and safety we needed. How can we heal the mother wound and stop wandering through life without the self-esteem that others seem…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100041","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=100041"}],"version-history":[{"count":27,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100041\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":140028,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100041\/revisions\/140028"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/100043"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=100041"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=100041"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=100041"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}