{"id":100437,"date":"2018-11-13T11:00:39","date_gmt":"2018-11-13T11:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=100437"},"modified":"2023-03-16T08:01:44","modified_gmt":"2023-03-16T08:01:44","slug":"feeling-not-good-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-not-good-enough.htm","title":{"rendered":"Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"never<\/a>

By: Pabak Sarkar<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Tried positive thinking<\/a>\u00a0and affirmations<\/a>? Read all the advice about self-confidence<\/a>?<\/p>\n

But deep down still\u00a0are left feeling not good enough?<\/em><\/p>\n

I feel like a failure<\/h2>\n

Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues.\u00a0<\/strong>This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.<\/p>\n

[Want to talk to someone about your secret beliefs you are not good enough? Book an online therapy session<\/a> with a therapist you like, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]<\/span><\/p>\n

7 Reasons For Feeling Not Good Enough<\/h2>\n

1.You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show.<\/span><\/h3>\n

The thoughts we actually hear in our heads are far less powerful than those that lurk in our <\/strong>unconscious<\/a>.<\/strong> Low self worth is inevitably connected to the buried and hidden\u00a0assumptions<\/a> about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact.<\/p>\n

These ‘core beliefs<\/span>‘ are often formed when we were children, with a child’s simple perspective<\/a><\/span>. So they can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue. And yet we unwittingly base all our life decisions around them. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without<\/strong> offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown<\/a>, or running off for space after a fight<\/a>. In the child\u2019s mind, the core belief<\/a> \u2018if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close<\/a>.<\/p>\n

2. If you listen deeply, your inner voice is actually critical and judgemental.<\/span><\/h3>\n
\"always<\/a>

By: Alejandro Forero Cuervo<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

It is easy is to convince ourselves we are \u2018positive thinkers\u2019. <\/strong><\/p>\n

And yet many of us don\u2019t actually take the time to properly listen to our thoughts. If we do, we might discover it’s a radio show of negativity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Mindfulness<\/a> is a wonderful technique for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts clearly. It is about listening and letting go to thoughts without judgement. Learn more in our free \u2018Guide to Mindfulness\u2019<\/a>.<\/p>\n

3. You surround yourself with critical people<\/a>.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Of course some of us don’t even need negative thoughts<\/a> to ensure we always feel not good enough. We let other people do the job for us by consciously choosing toxic friendships<\/a> and unhealthy relationships.<\/a>Then\u00a0others put us down<\/a> no matter how hard we try.<\/p>\n

4. You had critical, demanding, or aloof parent(s) that left you feeling not good enough.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Yes, perhaps you had a \u2018good childhood\u2019. You lived in a<\/strong> nice house, your parents never divorced<\/a>. You never wanted for anything.<\/p>\n

But then again, perhaps you did. Perhaps you wanted for the approval and love that every child needs. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If your parent(s) always wanted you to smarter, or quieter, or sportier, or if they favoured your sibling….? Whatever it was, the message was<\/strong> that you were not enough as is. It might have just been that your parent was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues.<\/p>\n

As children we naturally<\/strong> seek approval and love. So we learn to suffocate our real personality and become the ‘good’ child, at the price of turning into an adult who never feels a sense of worth.<\/p>\n

5. You main caregiver couldn’t offer you stability or safety.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Some children have a parent who is simply unable to offer them an environment of safety <\/strong>where they can trust their parent to be there for them. Perhaps you parent was an alcoholic<\/a>, suffered depression<\/a>, or was in a toxic relationship<\/a> that demanded all their attention.<\/p>\n

If a parent is unwell<\/a> the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. <\/strong>If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, were somehow a better\/smarter child your parent would be ok. But of course a child can\u2019t fix such a parent<\/a> or situation. So their endless codependency<\/a> evolves into\u00a0a belief they are not good enough<\/a> somehow.<\/p>\n

6. You didn\u2019t get enough \u2018attachment\u2019 as a kid.<\/span><\/h3>\n
\"never<\/a>

By: Beatrice Murch<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

What both these points about parenting involve is not having a caregiver who was able to offer unconditional love and trust, or what is called \u2018attachment\u2019 in psychology.<\/p>\n

Attachment theory<\/span><\/a> believes that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love and to be able to\u00a0trust<\/a>\u00a0his or her primary caregiver. If this doesn’t happen, we can end up with \u2018anxious attachment<\/span><\/a>\u2019, which involves never trusting yourself or others and lacking confidence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7. You experienced strong trauma(s) in the past.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Of course one way to develop negative core beliefs quickly as a child does not necessarily involve poor parenting. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Childhood trauma<\/a> decimates a child\u2019s sense of worth.<\/p>\n

Most children feel responsible for the<\/strong> trauma<\/a>, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse<\/a>. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.<\/p>\n

So is feeling not good enough always all about the past?<\/h2>\n

It is inevitable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us.\u00a0 Of course there are other factors. Some of us born with a naturally more sensitive personality<\/a>, for example, so suffer more.<\/p>\n

And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult<\/a> that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal<\/a>. Even then, though, we will find our confidence<\/a> an self-worth suffers more, and we take longer to recuperate, if we had previous trauma in our early life<\/a> or poor parenting<\/a>.<\/p>\n

What sorts of therapy help?<\/h2>\n

If trawling through your past just isn’t your thing, take heart.<\/strong> Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/a> is shown to raise self-esteem, and it does so by focusing on your present day issues and changing the way you respond to thoughts.<\/p>\n

And humanistic therapies<\/a> like person-centred therapy<\/a> can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources<\/a> you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices.\u00a0Or try compassion-focused therapy (CFT)<\/a>, which teaches you how to be more gentle with yourself and others.<\/p>\n

Want help to overcome not feeling enough in life? Harley Therapy connects you with some of the best private psychologists<\/a> and psychotherapists working in central London. Not in London or even the UK? Find a quality online therapists<\/span> <\/a>on the Harley Therapy Platform<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

\"AndreaAndrea M. Darcy<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher with training in person-centred counselling and coaching, as well as a popular psychology writer. Follow her on Instagram for useful life tips @am_darcy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Andrea M. Darcy Tried positive thinking\u00a0and affirmations? Read all the advice about self-confidence? But deep down still\u00a0are left feeling not good enough? I feel like a failure Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues.\u00a0This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough. [Want to talk to someone about your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":100440,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[125],"tags":[124,118],"class_list":["post-100437","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-esteem","tag-low-confidence","tag-low-self-esteem","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"\nAlways Left Feeling Not Good Enough? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":105,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Tried positive thinking\u00a0and affirmations? Read all the advice about self-confidence? But deep down still\u00a0are left feeling not good enough? I feel like a failure Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues.\u00a0This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough. [Want to talk to someone about your…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100437","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=100437"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100437\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":139257,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/100437\/revisions\/139257"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/100440"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=100437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=100437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=100437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}