{"id":114588,"date":"2019-08-06T11:00:18","date_gmt":"2019-08-06T10:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=114588"},"modified":"2023-03-07T15:05:09","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T15:05:09","slug":"push-pull-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/push-pull-relationship.htm","title":{"rendered":"The Push Pull Relationship – Why Can’t You Stop the Pattern?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"push<\/a>

By: Jason Rogers<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

You love<\/a> them, you hate them? You want them, you don\u2019t? Why does a push pull relationship<\/a> happen, and what can you do about it?<\/span><\/p>\n

Why am I always in a push pull relationship?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

There are different reasons we push and pull.<\/strong> It might be driven by boredom<\/a>, or by fear<\/a>, or it might be an impulse<\/a> that feels beyond control. Often it’s a combination of several issues, with roots in childhood<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. You are bored (and might have ADHD). <\/span><\/h3>\n

You have a very fast mind, and you\u2019ve gotten involved with someone based on chemistry and excitement. But now the buzz has worn off<\/strong>, you aren’t intellectual equals, and you are bored<\/a>. Without realising it, you become a cat with a mouse, pushing and pulling the other person.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Adult ADHD<\/a> can also be a factor here, if you tend to be impulsive<\/a> and also have trouble focussing<\/a>. It often makes relationships messy.<\/p>\n

Time to get to know the other person properly and see if maybe they are more interesting than you\u2019ve given them credit for. Or walk away<\/a> and go more slowly next time.<\/a> <\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

[If you think it’s attention deficit disorder<\/a><\/strong><\/span>, try taking our free ADHD quiz<\/a>.]<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

2. It\u2019s a self-esteem thing. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Low self-esteem<\/a> creates a need to win. So we go after what we think we might not be able to have. Once we get it, we are no longer interested. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

We weren\u2019t looking for love<\/a>, just a sense of worth<\/a>. So we push the other person away, and when they accept it and walk away, we want to win again, so pull them back. <\/span><\/p>\n

What other, healthier ways could you raise your self-esteem<\/a>? Is there a goal<\/a> that could also see you helping others? Or could you perhaps start with some self-compassion<\/a>?<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

3. You are scared of (real) intimacy.<\/span><\/h3>\n
\"push<\/a>

By: Aaron Stidwell<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Sex<\/a> is one sort of intimacy. And for many, that\u2019s the easy part. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

It\u2019s when someone tries to get to know the real you<\/span> <\/a>that things get scary. What if they don\u2019t like what they see?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

You can deeply crave love, and then <\/span><\/strong>when you start to feel seen? Panic<\/a> and push away, only to pull back because deep down the relationship is what you really want. <\/span><\/p>\n

Get to know your own thoughts and feelings<\/a> with things like mindfulness<\/a> and journalling<\/a>. Often we fear intimacy<\/a> because we don\u2019t have a solid sense of self<\/a>, or aren\u2019t sure we like ourselves.\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

4. Relationships don\u2019t feel safe for you. <\/span><\/h3>\n
\n

This is perhaps the most common reason for pushing and pulling. <\/span>If you at all feel anxious in relationships<\/a>, it is a good sign this is what is happening.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

It can be different than just fear of intimacy. You might in fact be very good at<\/strong> intimacy, able to be vulnerable and connect — until the fear hits.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

You might also feel depressed<\/a> when in relationships. A study in Australia<\/a> <\/span>found that women with fearful attachment issues were more likely to suffer depression<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Fear in relationships from attachment issues<\/a>\u00a0can happen where you didn\u2019t have a parent you could rely on to help you feel safe and unconditionally accepted.<\/p>\n

Or they can arise from a person you trusted in any way abusing you as a child<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

Whatever the reason, you really like someone, but on an unconscious level you are scared of being hurt. So you push them away. Then panic and pull them back. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Anxiety<\/a> and fear in relationships can run deep. Consider counselling if it\u2019s a childhood issue, as it can take support to unravel the past.\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

5. You are metaphorically \u2018dating your parent<\/a>\u2019. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Again, the push pull pattern can have roots in childhood and the ways we were raised. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

And it can be that we had an unstable relationship with a parent that has led to a pattern of relating we can\u2019t seem to escape. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

For example, if you had a critical<\/a> parent who never approved of you, you might push your partner<\/strong> away at the slightest hint of criticism. In this way you are unconsciously \u2018punishing\u2019 the parent you have unresolved issues with. <\/span><\/p>\n

Journal about your relationship dynamics with each parent. Is it possible you are recreating this dynamic? Write a letter to the parent the pattern comes from, without holding back, then rip it up. Now write about what you’d like your relationship to be like instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

6. You experienced trauma or abuse as a child.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Trauma<\/a> shatters a child’s trust<\/a> in the world around them. And that inability to trust does not repair itself. Unless we actively seek to heal, we live our adult life with complex PTSD<\/a> and trust issues<\/a>. No wonder we push and pull, we constantly feel in danger<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Sexual abuse<\/a> often leads to symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD)<\/a>. You love people then hate them, and you suffer huge emotional highs<\/a> and lows where you can’t control what you say and do. Push and pulling is a habit you hate, but feel at the mercy of.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Trauma, abuse, and borderline personality disorder<\/a> are very hard to navigate alone. Nor does every type of therapy help. Read our article on ‘Types of Therapy That Work for Trauma<\/a>‘ and the NHS guidelines for BPD<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

7. Negative core beliefs about yourself leave you attracted to a push pull relationship.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

This relates to most of the above. Things like abuse, poor attachment, and a difficult parental relationship call lead to hidden core beliefs that you aren\u2019t worthy of love<\/a>, that you are flawed, that you are no good at love. <\/span><\/p>\n

So just as you start to make progress in a relationship, these core beliefs stir and lead you to sabotage with push and pulling.<\/span><\/p>\n

Practice mindfulness<\/a> to start to hear your thoughts and what you actually think about yourself behind the mental chatter. And consider CBT therapy<\/a>, a short-term talk therapy<\/a> that focuses on recognising and changing negative thinking<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Time to get help and end the push pull cycle for once and for all? Our highly experienced London-based relationship counsellors<\/a> and CBT therapists<\/a> can help. Or use our booking platform to source UK-wide registered therapists<\/a> and online counsellors you can work with from anywhere.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Want to share your thoughts on the push pull relationship pattern? Use the comment box below.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\"AndreaAndrea M. Darcy<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0is the editor and lead writer<\/a> of this blog. With training in person-centred counselling and coaching, her fave topics are relationships, ADHD, and trauma. Find her @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Andrea M. Darcy You love them, you hate them? You want them, you don\u2019t? Why does a push pull relationship happen, and what can you do about it? Why am I always in a push pull relationship?\u00a0 There are different reasons we push and pull. It might be driven by boredom, or by fear, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":114589,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[449,212,430,313],"class_list":["post-114588","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-attachment","tag-borderline-personality-disorder","tag-intimacy-issues","tag-relationship-conflict","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Push Pull Relationship - Why Can't You Stop the Pattern? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Push pull relationships - why are you always in one? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":6,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy You love them, you hate them? You want them, you don\u2019t? Why does a push pull relationship happen, and what can you do about it? Why am I always in a push pull relationship?\u00a0 There are different reasons we push and pull. It might be driven by boredom, or by fear,…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114588","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=114588"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114588\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":140027,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114588\/revisions\/140027"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/114589"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=114588"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=114588"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=114588"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}