{"id":117000,"date":"2019-10-17T11:00:53","date_gmt":"2019-10-17T10:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=117000"},"modified":"2023-03-08T14:37:36","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T14:37:36","slug":"can-you-be-selfish-and-still-be-a-good-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/can-you-be-selfish-and-still-be-a-good-person.htm","title":{"rendered":"Can You Be Selfish and Still Be a Good Person?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By: Holly Lay<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

By Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Can you be selfish without being a terrible person? And why are we selfish anyway?<\/strong> It\u2019s a question that has been heavily debated since the time of Aristotle.<\/p>\n

But how does it apply to our modern lives, and what does psychology have to say?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The definition of selfish<\/h2>\n

The general definition of selfishness, according to the Cambridge dictionary<\/a>, is:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. someone who only thinks of their own advantage<\/li>\n
  2. caring only about what you want or need without any thoughts for the needs or wishes of other people.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    With this approach, the opposite of selfishness would be<\/strong> selflessness<\/em>. But it\u2019s a set of extreme opposites, entirely self-centred vs god-like, that few humans live up to (despite the internet trying to convince us that everyone around us is a raging Machiavellian<\/a> narcissist<\/a>).<\/p>\n

    Psychology\u2019s take on selfishness<\/h2>\n

    In evolutionary psychology, even<\/strong> recent research<\/a> still starts with the premise that as humans, we are are still coming from our primordial, \u2018survive at all costs\u2019 brain. We are self-centred, always looking out for ourselves over others, because then we get ahead.<\/p>\n

    And yet newer research in social psychology around<\/strong> compassion<\/a>, empathy<\/a>, and caring for others challenges this assumption<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    A large-scale review on the research around social motivation put out by Ohio State University<\/a> <\/span>by Crocker, Canavello, and Brown challenges the long-held idea that we are selfish as we benefit from selfishness, instead showing that we can benefit and suffer from both thinking of ourselves or thinking of others,\u00a0<\/strong>stating–<\/span><\/p>\n

    \u201cA fight-or-flight motivational system<\/a> that promotes looking out for oneself can save lives in some cir<\/span>cumstances\u2026. [yet] humans have evolved to live cooperatively in social groups in which people take care of each other.”<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

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    By: Eugene Kim<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

    It’s perhaps best explained by the rise of the word ‘otherishness’\u00a0 <\/strong>as an opposite for selfishness in psychology circles, made popular by researcher Adam Grant in his book Give and Take<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Selfishness becomes about focus and intent. Are you focused<\/a> on the self, or on others? Are we intending to help ourselves, or to help others?<\/em><\/p>\n

    When thinking of others can backfire<\/h3>\n

    We all know someone who is that long-suffering,<\/strong> refusing to think of themselves, ‘overgiver<\/a>‘ type. Or we might even be one ourselves. If we are codependent<\/a>, basing our sense of self<\/a> on how much we give to others<\/a>, we tend to fall into victim mentality.<\/a> We feel sorry for ourselves, unable to see we are actually choosing to put ourselves last. We are usually even manipulating others<\/a> in the process.<\/p>\n

    But sometimes life simply throws us into overgiving, as is the case with those who end up a<\/strong> caregiver<\/a> when a family member falls ill. Research on caregiving<\/a>\u00a0 show that when all our time is taken up by caring for others instead of ourselves, it can negatively affect our health and wellbeing<\/a>, including making us more vulnerable to depression<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Even if we are not codependent<\/a> or a caregiver, giving can backfire if are doing it with the wrong intent.<\/strong> If we are giving to look good, or to benefit in the future from someone returning the favour? Then we are unlikely to attract the benefits of giving the research by Crocker, Canavello and Brown details, such as better relationships<\/a> and moods, feeling connected to others<\/a>, and better physical health<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    When selfishness can be a positive<\/h2>\n

    So in the above cases, some self interest could indeed be a positive. It becomes a question of<\/strong> self care<\/a>. If we are giving to the extent we are decimating our own mental and physical wellbeing, then it\u2019s time to put ourselves first for a bit.<\/p>\n

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    By: yarenlen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

    Of course is this really selfishness? Or is it simply<\/strong> setting healthy boundaries<\/a>? It\u2019s often the latter.<\/p>\n

    I can\u2019t tell when others are or aren\u2019t being selfish<\/h2>\n

    It\u2019s a good difference to learn, both in the ways we use the word against others, and in the ways we apply it to ourselves.<\/em><\/p>\n

    We often confuse \u2018selfishness\u2019 with someone not doing what we want them to.<\/strong> \u201cYou didn\u2019t do the dishes like I asked, you are so selfish\u201d. In this way it\u2019s a form of control<\/a>. The other person might have simply forgotten, or been distracted<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Or we call someone selfish for having different<\/strong> personal values<\/a> than us. \u201cQuitting your job<\/a> for a year for volunteering<\/a> when you have a family is selfish\u201d. Yet in their mind they are helping others.<\/p>\n

    And often it\u2019s just a quick insult we use to shut someone down, even, unfortunately,<\/strong> our own children<\/a>. \u201cStop taking your brother\u2019s toy, it\u2019s selfish!\u201d. Meanwhile, our kid just liked the toy and was not thinking of the consequences.<\/p>\n

    It helps to consider intent. Selfishness is intentionally choosing self interest.<\/strong><\/p>\n