{"id":117109,"date":"2019-10-29T11:00:40","date_gmt":"2019-10-29T11:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=117109"},"modified":"2022-05-16T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-05-16T11:00:00","slug":"dating-someone-with-aspergers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dating-someone-with-aspergers.htm","title":{"rendered":"Dating Someone with Aspergers – What Helps?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"dating<\/a>

By: D. Sinclair Terrasidius<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Started a relationship<\/a>, only to discover you are dating someone with Aspergers<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Lead writer Andrea Blundell<\/span> explores how to cope<\/a> when your partner is on the autism spectrum.<\/a><\/p>\n

1. Remember he or she is still an individual.<\/h3>\n

Nobody is their diagnosis.\u00a0 They are first and foremost an individual who happens to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

(Note that ‘Asperger’s syndrome<\/a>‘ is an old diagnosis. Although it’s still in use, the official diagnosis is ASD).<\/p>\n

Mental health diagnoses are simply terms created by mental health professionals to describe groups of people with the similar symptoms.<\/strong> In other words, a label, and a label can’t perfectly describe a person<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Autism is also called a ‘spectrum’ <\/strong>because there are so many variations in those who have it.<\/p>\n

2. Educate yourself from BOTH sides.<\/h3>\n

Evidently you are already on this path as you are here reading this article, which is fantastic.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also good to read things written by people with Aspergers,<\/strong> such as our case study, ““My Life With Aspergers”.<\/a> They know best, after all — they are living through the experience. Or read about autistic people\u2019s thoughts on relationships on autism.org.uk<\/a>.<\/p>\n

3. Ask instead of assume.<\/h3>\n

You\u2019ve read all the online info about Asperger\u2019s syndrome online. You are pretty much now an expert. Or are you?<\/p>\n

Nobody is an expert on another person except that person. So instead of assuming they will fit exactly what you\u2019ve read, or that you now know just how they think? Ask your partner. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If you are making assumptions<\/a> he or she is\u00a0 doing something \u2018because of their Asperger\u2019s\u2019, catch yourself and<\/strong> calmly check in with him or her. What are their reasons for their actions?<\/p>\n

4. Become a master of (unique) communication.<\/h3>\n
\"dating<\/a>

By: Francesco<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Communication<\/a> is important in all relationships. But if one partner has Aspergers <\/strong>even more so, especially as they might struggle to understand anything but direct communication.<\/p>\n

All your non verbal cues like<\/strong> body language<\/a> and tone of voice might not be landing at all.<\/p>\n

So you need to find what type of communication does work. It could be <\/strong>something outside the box, such as writing each other letters. It might mean having long \u2018processing gaps\u2019 between discussions before you agree to outcomes.<\/p>\n

And do communicate as calmly as possible. If you are not feeling<\/strong> calm, step back and find tools to process your emotions, like journaling<\/a>.<\/p>\n

5. Don\u2019t try to ‘fix’ them.<\/h3>\n

We can assume that the other person wants to be \u2018normal\u2019 and it\u2019s up to us, as a partner, to help them learn. This\u00a0 can lead to<\/strong> your partner feeling overanalysed, judged<\/a>, and \u2018watched\u2019.<\/p>\n

Your partner might like certain ways of being and living. They’ve managed this far, after all. So it’s important to ask what they want to work on, not assume.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And if your partner is seeing a therapist, there might be things he or she prefers to work on privately with their therapist.<\/strong> You are not their teacher or therapist, you are their partner, and it might be better for them and you to have good boundaries<\/a> here.<\/p>\n

6. Recognise and honour your own needs.<\/h3>\n

Of course pandering to your partner’s wants and needs and totally forgetting your own<\/strong> isn’t going to work, either. It’s codependency<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Both of you matter. And\u00a0 there will need to be compromise on both sides.\u00a0 <\/strong>Perhaps some of your needs, like being emotionally understood, aren’t going to be possible. But you can work on other things that are.<\/p>\n

Decide what is most important to you, communicate about it, and find ways for you both to stay yourselves and grow together.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7. Connect with others who truly understand.<\/h3>\n
\"dating

By: James<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

It\u2019s great to talk to friends<\/a>. But if they don\u2019t have a partner with Asperger\u2019s, their advice might<\/strong> feel frustrating and condescending, even if they mean well.<\/p>\n

Look for support groups and forums as well as<\/strong> Facebook<\/a> groups where you can connect with others who have Aspie partners.<\/p>\n

Here in the UK resources include:<\/p>\n