{"id":118027,"date":"2020-02-04T11:00:49","date_gmt":"2020-02-04T11:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=118027"},"modified":"2023-03-08T13:52:22","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T13:52:22","slug":"dating-someone-with-depression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dating-someone-with-depression.htm","title":{"rendered":"Dating Someone With Depression – 12 Things You Need to Know"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"dating<\/a>

By: Kevin Dooley<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Dating someone with<\/strong> depression<\/a> can be a lot to navigate. What can help?<\/p>\n

[**if you believe your partner is in immediate danger of\u00a0 hurting themselves or someone else please get to the nearest hospital or call emergency services.]<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Dating someone with depression is a choice<\/h2>\n

First things first. Remember that you chose<\/em> this relationship.<\/p>\n

And you are with this other person for many reasons. People who suffer depression are also the same people who can understand your emotions, or who are wildly creative<\/a>, exciting, fun, and inspiring.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Feeling a victim<\/a> about this? Then there is a good chance this is your pattern, too.\u00a0<\/strong> That if you are honest, you often (if not always) choose a partner with depression and issues<\/a>\u00a0because you are issues, too, such as codependency<\/a>.<\/p>\n

So what now?<\/em><\/p>\n

1. Accept that your partner is depressed. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Pretending the other person is okay, or telling them they will \u2018snap out of it\u2019<\/strong>, just means the other person feels guilty<\/a>.\u00a0 <\/span>And guilt is like wood to a fire when it comes to depression<\/a>. It means your partner will feel worse, not better. <\/span><\/p>\n

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Like it or not, your partner is depressed, and there is no telling when it will end. Depression follows nobody’s time line. (Although on a good note, it always does end, eventually).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

2. Do your research.<\/span><\/h3>\n

With the amount of information now out there about depression,<\/strong> there is no excuse for not understanding it.<\/p>\n

\"dating<\/a>

By: Mike Cohen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Read our free<\/strong> ‘Guide to Depression<\/a><\/span>” as a start. Or visit the NHS pages about clinical depression<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And consider reading case studies of depression<\/a>, not just the facts and science.<\/p>\n

3. But don\u2019t then analyse your partner. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Information and research is to help you be more<\/strong> empathetic<\/a>, not to help you play shrink.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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When someone is depressed, their mind is already analysing them non stop, deeming them <\/span>not worthy<\/a>, sick, hopeless, or even \u2018evil\u2019 and \u2018bad for others\u2019. The last thing they need is you to give them any other diagnostic to add to the list, even if well intentioned.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

4. Instead, listen. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Good listening means being fully present<\/a> and focused, not assuming you know what they mean but asking, not thinking about other things or what you\u2019ll stay next. It means reflecting back and asking good questions<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

[Learn more in our article, \u2018How to Listen Like a Therapist<\/a>\u2019.]<\/span><\/p>\n

5. Remember that they are not their depression. <\/span><\/h3>\n
\"dating<\/a>

By: Cathy Labudak<\/p><\/div>\n

\n

No matter how depressed your partner gets, or what sensational things they say, they are still that person you know and love. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

If it helps, see depression as a sort of virus.<\/strong> Would you blame<\/a> someone with the flu for moaning about feeling terrible? <\/span><\/p>\n

6. But do have boundaries. <\/span><\/h3>\n

This is not to say you should let a partner treat you badly, depression or no.<\/strong> Some people can regress<\/a> with depression, acting like an angry child, and might even be relieved you are setting some firm boundaries<\/a> around what they can and can\u2019t say to you or can and can\u2019t do. <\/span><\/p>\n

It can help to write the boundaries down<\/strong> when dating someone with depression. This could mean sending an email, so there is no room for pretending limits weren\u2019t set. Start the mail with positives and be calm and kind. \u201cYou are an important person I care about, I know you are going through a rough patch, but\u2026.\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another important boundary here is to maintain your own life. You are not a nurse, you can’t be there for someone else 24 seven.\u00a0 Like the airplane mask situation, where you must put on your own mask first, you need to take care of yourself when supporting someone with depression.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7. Practise good self-care together.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Love a good bottle of wine? That’s fine. But<\/strong> alcohol<\/a> and party drugs<\/a> are bodily depressants, which then cause mood spirals. As can things like inconsistent sleeping habits<\/a> and unhealthy food<\/a>.<\/p>\n

When you are around a partner with depression it’s best to encourage healthy living and self-care<\/a> until they feel better. Keep the wine binge for a night out with your friends.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

8. Talk to the person you know, not the depression. <\/span><\/h3>\n

If you respond to all the things your partner says due to depression, you will <\/strong>rush headlong into relationship conflict<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

How to know the difference?<\/strong> <\/span>Depression-talk is made up of cognitive distortions<\/a>, which is what it sounds like —\u00a0 distorted reality. So it is black-and-white, dramatic<\/a>, doom and gloom. It starts with qualifiers like \u2018never, always\u2019. And it\u2019s things your partner doesn\u2019t usually say. <\/span><\/p>\n