{"id":118303,"date":"2020-03-10T11:00:44","date_gmt":"2020-03-10T11:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=118303"},"modified":"2022-05-16T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-05-16T11:00:00","slug":"personal-power-how-to","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-power-how-to.htm","title":{"rendered":"Personal Power &#8211; 11 Ways to Grow Yours"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_118305\" style=\"width: 330px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-118305\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-118305\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/miguel-bruna-TzVN0xQhWaQ-unsplash-320x400.jpg\" alt=\"personal power\" width=\"320\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/miguel-bruna-TzVN0xQhWaQ-unsplash-320x400.jpg 320w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/miguel-bruna-TzVN0xQhWaQ-unsplash-480x600.jpg 480w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/miguel-bruna-TzVN0xQhWaQ-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 320px) 100vw, 320px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-118305\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Miguel Bruna<\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Want more personal power?<\/strong> Or just to stop <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/learned-helplessness.htm\">feeling so helpless<\/a> and lost? But not sure where to start?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is personal power? <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Personal power is not about controlling others.<\/strong> This is social power. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #666699;\">Personal power is instead about being totally detached from others and their opinions, and instead attached to your own inner capabilities. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amycuddy.com\/\">Social psychologist Amy Cuddy <\/a>describes it as, \u201c<strong>freedom from the dominance of others\u2026 it\u2019s about access to and control of limitless <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/find-your-inner-resources.htm\">inner resources<\/a><\/strong>.\u201d Whereas social power means you seek power over others, personal power means you seek to control yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do I really need to feel powerful?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Why bother with personal power, though? Is it really that necessary?<\/strong> It certainly comes with benefits, such as:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">trusting ourselves more<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">and therefore feeling safer to trust others\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">stronger <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">sense of self<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">an ability to be optimistic<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-resilience.htm\">resilience<\/a> in the face of challenge <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">able to take advantage of opportunity<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">a feeling of satisfaction that we are being our boldest self<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/finding-your-purpose-anxiety.htm\">sense of purpose<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">A<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.1111\/j.1467-9280.2006.01824.x\"> study on power<\/a> <\/span>led by social psychologist Adam Galinsky also suggests that personal power &#8220;frees a person to listen to others without abandoning a personal vision. Power also increases creativity and makes it easier to ignore bad advice, even if it comes from a &#8216;very important person&#8217;.&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How can I gain personal power? <\/span><\/h2>\n<h3><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Recognise and nurture your innate gifts.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s easy to write off the things we do easily and well as \u2018unimportant\u2019 <\/strong>and instead become obsessed with big challenges. We want to be a famous musician, a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-effects-of-facebook.htm\">social media<\/a> influencer, the best in our class, then feel a failure if that doesn&#8217;t happen. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We don\u2019t rate our ability to<\/strong> read quickly, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">listen well<\/a>, or\u00a0 make others <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/laughter-does-it-really-improve-your-psychological-health.htm\">laugh<\/a>&#8230; whatever it is that comes natural.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Or we<\/span> can even unconsciously be <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-sabotage.htm\">sabotaging our success<\/a> by refusing to let ourselves succeed by things we find easy, instead always focussing on things that are hard.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Growing our innate gifts raises our self-esteem and circle of influence, helps us realise how resourceful we are, and\u00a0lead to opportunities we didn&#8217;t expect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Record your achievements. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Feeling powerless is often a mindset, arising from<\/strong> negative self-talk and an over-focus on what isn\u2019t happening, and what we haven\u2019t done. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-perspective.htm\">Reframing your perspective<\/a> and noticing what you actually have done can help you see that you are <em>already<\/em> powerful.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_118306\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-118306\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-118306\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jungwoo-hong-cYUMaCqMYvI-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"personal power\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jungwoo-hong-cYUMaCqMYvI-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jungwoo-hong-cYUMaCqMYvI-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jungwoo-hong-cYUMaCqMYvI-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jungwoo-hong-cYUMaCqMYvI-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-118306\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Jungwoo Hong<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Aim to record five achievements a day, no matter how small they might seem. On days when you start to feel powerless, you can flip back and see that this is a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/cognitive-distortions.htm\">cognitive distortion<\/a> over a fact. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. One word. Boundaries. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>To be powerful we must keep enough energy for ourselves to take care of ourselves.<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If we have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\">poor boundaries<\/a> it means we don\u2019t do this. We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-say-no-more-effectively.htm\">say yes when we want to say no<\/a>, let others do things that leave us feeling upset and used, and end up<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\"> exhausted<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-vs-sadness.htm\">feeling low<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Get out of victim mode.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Part of having no boundaries is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/live-life-like-victim-12-ways-tell.htm\">playing the victim<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">We don\u2019t take responsibility for the fact that many of our upsetting experiences are things we chose to allow into our lives, or even invited in. But we can\u2019t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/victim-mentality.htm\">be a victim<\/a> and also powerful. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The moment you accept some responsibility for issues you have<\/strong> with other people is the moment you realise the power you have had all along to make better choices.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Get to the root of a need for approval.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If we grew up having to seek approval and<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\">be pleasing<\/a> to get our needs met, then this can be a difficult habit to break. But it\u2019s a great drain of energy and takes us further and further away from our own <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">sense of self<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">To be powerful, we need to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm\">know who we are<\/a>. And to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm\">hear our needs and desires<\/a> we need to stop spending all our time and energy trying be what others desire.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Watch out for toxic relationships. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>An addiction to<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship.htm\">unhealthy relationships<\/a> can completely deplete us and even leave us constantly ill.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">If we are constantly letting someone else belittle us or hurt us, then we will always feel knocked down and helpless instead of powerful. We get stuck in an endless cycle of reaffirming our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-change-your-core-beliefs.htm\">negative beliefs<\/a> that we aren&#8217;t worthy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">7. Learn about and create real connection.<\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_118307\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/16067409189_ee20734642.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-118307\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-118307\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/16067409189_ee20734642-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"personal power\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/16067409189_ee20734642-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/16067409189_ee20734642.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-118307\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/erikkristensen\/16067409189\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Erik Cleves Kristensen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">When we feel\u00a0 fully supported, it&#8217;s easier to feel powerful. Even if we fall, someone will catch us and encourage us to get back up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Of course we need to find those <\/strong>people who &#8216;get us&#8217;. Who respect us and are a safe space for us to be our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/authentic-relationships.htm\">authentic selves<\/a>, and who understand what drives us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">8. Commit to your values.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-values-know-yours.htm\">personal values<\/a> are the things that matter to you when all else falls away.<\/strong> It\u2019s easy to get caught up in the values of our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dysfunctional-family-help.htm\">family<\/a>, partners, and friends, which can lead to constantly feeling a bit lost and fatigued. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>When we face up to what actually makes us feel alive<\/strong> &#8212; whether that is freedom from a nine-to-five job, or even structure, if we come from a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-and-creativity.htm\">creative<\/a> family? We can feel a great release of energy. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We can also then find our support &#8216;tribe&#8217;, the people we<\/strong> feel at home with because we share their values.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">9. Learn self-compassion.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Making mistakes is not a problem. It\u2019s better to take incorrect action <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">than take no action at all.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">The problem is when we make mistakes then beat ourselves up and judge ourselves, stopping ourselves in our tracks just as we are starting to be powerful and shine.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>How could you speak to yourself the<\/strong> same way you would to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-find-friends.htm\"> a good friend<\/a>? <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">10. Be present.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It can be misguided to think personal power comes from doing &#8216;more&#8217;.<\/strong>\u00a0 Instead it can come from clearing out <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-am-i-so-distracted.htm\">distractions<\/a> and focusing our minds so that we stop missing the moments to use our inner resources.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mindfulness-techniques.htm\">Mindfulness<\/a> is a practise that helps us be grounded in the<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/present-moment-secret-better-mood.htm\"> present moment<\/a>, meaning <strong>we don&#8217;t overlook opportunity when it passes by<\/strong>. And it\u2019s free and easy to learn (try our<\/span><span class=\"s1\"> free &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/mindfulness-help-guide.htm\">Guide to Mindfulness<\/a>&#8216;).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">11. Know when to ask for support. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Can\u2019t turn off your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thoughts.htm\">negative thoughts<\/a>? Feel your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\">self-esteem<\/a> is so low you\u2019ll never feel powerful? Or simply can\u2019t seem to set boundaries no matter how you try? <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Sometimes our old patterns come from<\/strong> a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-are-adverse-childhood-experiences-aces.htm\">difficult childhood<\/a>, and the ways we learned to behave and think in order to survive. They are deep-rooted and hard to untangle alone.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>See reaching out for some support,<\/strong> in the form of a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-between-psychotherapy-and-counselling.htm\">counsellor or psychotherapist<\/a>, your first courageous step to being powerful.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Sick of feeling lost and powerless? We connect you with highly experienced and skilled <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">London talk therapists<\/a> in central locations. Not in the city? Use our <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">booking site<\/span><\/a> now to find a <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">registered therapist<\/span><\/a> near you, or an <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">online counsellor<\/span><\/a> you can work with from anywhere.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"141\" height=\"142\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy is left a successful career as a screenwriter to become a health writer and train in counselling and coaching. She also advises people on creating their therapy journey. Find her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/am_darcy\/\">@am_darcy<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Want more personal power? Or just to stop feeling so helpless and lost? But not sure where to start?\u00a0 What is personal power? Personal power is not about controlling others. This is social power. Personal power is instead about being totally detached from others and their opinions, and instead attached to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":118305,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[125],"tags":[262,454],"class_list":["post-118303","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-esteem","tag-self-esteem-2","tag-self-worth","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Personal Power - 11 Ways to Grow Yours - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Personal power might mean something different than you think. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":4,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Want more personal power? Or just to stop feeling so helpless and lost? But not sure where to start?\u00a0 What is personal power? Personal power is not about controlling others. This is social power. 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