{"id":118448,"date":"2020-03-26T11:00:55","date_gmt":"2020-03-26T11:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=118448"},"modified":"2022-05-16T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-05-16T11:00:00","slug":"staying-with-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/staying-with-family.htm","title":{"rendered":"Staying With Family? How to Survive and Stay Sane"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"surviving<\/a>

By: Paul Schultz<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

By Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

You love them, sure. But\u00a0 staying with family <\/strong>is a different story.\u00a0 How can you cope if you must spend time at theirs?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

12 Tips for surviving staying with family<\/h2>\n

Here are some helpful tips for staying sane when living under the roof of your in laws, parents, siblings, or extended family<\/a>.<\/p>\n

1. Use positive language.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

It might sound a small thing, but if you are constantly using negative terms to describe your sojourn with family, like joking you are ‘in jail’, or ‘stuck with the in laws’? You are programming your brain to be in stress mode<\/a>. Try positive phrases<\/a> that make you feel like you can breathe, like, ‘a short stay that will be over before we know it’, or ‘a little family getaway’.<\/p>\n

2. Agree on a parenting style. <\/span><\/h3>\n

If there is one place<\/strong> that conflicting parenting styles <\/a><\/span>\u00a0can be embarrassing, it is when other family members<\/a> are watching. Note this also gives people like your mother leverage to complain about your partner.<\/p>\n

A united front is particularly essential if other family members treat your kids<\/strong> in ways you don’t like, or that wilfully break your parenting rules<\/a>. And note if you are disagreeing, you are programming your kids to not get along long term.<\/p>\n

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\u00a0A study published in ‘the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships<\/span><\/a>‘<\/span> found that if and how siblings get along<\/a> is affected by the parenting styles they experience.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

So sit down and make your decision in advance on what is and isn\u2019t going to be <\/strong>acceptable. It’s okay to decide on entirely new parameters (mindful parenting<\/a> is worth investigating). Write down your decisions, share the new ‘ground rules’ for the trip with your kids, and consider speaking to any wayward family members in advance about the parenting rules you don’t want challenged.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

3. Lower your expectations. And then lower them again. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Often we don’t even admit to ourselves how high our expectations<\/a> for ourselves and others even are. We expect ourselves to not react<\/a> when our mother-in-law criticises us, our kids to go to bed on time, the grandparents not to spoil the kids. And it all causes tons of unnecessary stress when we deep down know that none of that will happen.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What if you just let it all go? Sit down and<\/strong> make a list. Then try to cross off all the things that don’t actually matter that much if you are honest with yourself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"surviving<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

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Dropping our expectations<\/a> creates room for us to notice the surprises that come along. You might recognise that your children are far more resilient<\/a> than you realised, and that your partner is better at helping clean up after a family dinner<\/a> than you give them credit for.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

4. Remember who you are speaking to. <\/span><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s normal to revert to speaking without thinking when we are tired and frustrated. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

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But remember that different generations <\/span>come from different places. <\/span>The more we can talk in ways others can actually take in, the more we avoid pointless upset over misunderstandings<\/a>. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

So don\u2019t rant at your mother-in-law about<\/strong> the slow internet if she never uses it. Save that for your teenager<\/a> who will be happy to moan along. And if your five-year old wants to know why you are crying<\/a> in the kitchen, try to explain in words that make sense to him, so he doesn\u2019t feel more confused, left out, or at fault.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

5. Remember the basics of good communication. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Ideally, read our article on<\/strong> ‘Communicating Well Under Stress’<\/a>. But to cover the basics:<\/span><\/p>\n