{"id":119413,"date":"2020-06-11T11:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-06-11T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=119413"},"modified":"2023-01-06T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-06T12:00:00","slug":"meaning-of-celibate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/meaning-of-celibate.htm","title":{"rendered":"Being Celibate – What It’s Really About, and Where it Goes Wrong"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"being

By: Md saad andalib<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Being celibate is having a moment. <\/strong>First the \u2018hot priest\u2019 in Fleabag<\/a>, then news that certain celebrities are toying with celibacy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So what does it really mean to be celibate, when is it useful, and when might it just be a red flag of other issues that need dealing with? <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

The meaning of celibate<\/span><\/h3>\n

Traditionally, celibacy was a religious choice<\/strong>, and a vow of celibacy meant not getting married<\/a> or engaging in sexual relations or activities.<\/span><\/p>\n

In modern use, the definition of celibate is looser. <\/strong>It\u2019s a conscious decision not to have sex with other people<\/a> (self sex is often seen as permissible). Some even describe themselves as celibate within relationships<\/a>, with \u2018celibate dating<\/a>\u2019 a term being used.<\/span><\/p>\n

The difference between celibacy and abstinence <\/span><\/h3>\n

The<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0celibacy movement of the 1980s<\/strong> led by writers like Gabrielle Brown claimed celibacy is different than sexual abstinence.\u00a0 It’s more of a lifestyle choice about self-empowerment<\/a>. Abstinence is merely \u2019refraining from\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n

It is true that celibacy, with its roots as a religious vow, does seem to bear more weight than abstinence.<\/strong> And it did originally also mean not having relationships,<\/a>\u00a0as opposed to just abstaining from sex.<\/span><\/p>\n

But meanings change with time, and there is no hard line here. <\/strong>If you are wanting to refrain from sex and\/or relationships, you can feasibly use either term that works for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What celibacy isn\u2019t<\/span><\/h3>\n

It isn\u2019t \u2018not having sex\u2019.<\/span> <\/span><\/h4>\n

Some people don\u2019t have sex because they haven\u2019t found a partner<\/a>, but are actively looking. In this case not having sex is not a voluntary choice like celibacy is, just happenstance. <\/span><\/p>\n

(That said, entire movements have sprung up reclaiming this sort of enforced abstinence, such as ‘incels’, involuntary celibates).<\/span><\/p>\n

\"being<\/a>

By: davidgljay<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

It isn\u2019t not liking sex, so not having it.<\/span><\/h4>\n

This means someone is asexual. Or, in the case of someone who occasionally likes sex, demisexual.<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\n

In this situation it\u2019s not a choice not to have sex, it\u2019s a natural way of being for you personally when it comes to sexual activity<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t withholding sex. <\/span><\/h4>\n

In a relationship, and angry at your partner<\/a> because they betrayed you<\/a> in some way? So refusing to have sex with them in order to \u2018even the score\u2019 or \u2018get back\u2019 at them? This is not a choice to not have sex, it’s a choice to punish and control someone<\/a>, and sex is simply being used as a tool.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It isn’t ‘doing everything but penetration’.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

It\u2019s indeed a Christian-centric and heteronormative version of sex. But for a psychologist<\/a>, sex is any sexual activity designed to arouse you or another person. <\/span><\/p>\n

\n

If you are bragging you are celibate but having all kinds of physical interactions including things like fondling and oral sex, just not penetration? It could be seen as a sort of limited abstinence. But if you are writing it off as celibacy, it bears looking at what this game is really about for you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

How can celibacy be helpful?<\/span><\/h3>\n

It can facilitate greater self knowing.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Celibacy frees up the time spent dating<\/a> or seeking a partner<\/a>, and means we are more often alone<\/a>, where we can truly listen to our thoughts and feelings<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It can deepen relationships. <\/span><\/h4>\n

Ever been with your friends<\/a> for a night out, but spent the night distracted, thinking about what will happen later when you meet your lover? Or have a friend you are sort of in love<\/a> with who you can’t relax around?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

When you are celibate, these barriers to<\/strong> being fully present<\/a> to others are removed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It can increase focus. <\/span><\/h4>\n

If you are in a period of life where a big project or opportunity is on the plate, celibacy might give you more headspace, as well as more physical energy to get things done (if your sex life has meant late nights or poor sleep<\/a> from cohabiting a bed!).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It can increase your sense of agency and personal power<\/span>. <\/span><\/h4>\n
\"being

photo by Steve Halama<\/p><\/div>\n

If you struggle with willpower, then decide to commit to celibacy? It can help you see that you are in charge of your life<\/a> and able to make big choices, which could improve your self-esteem<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

A study of clergy in South India<\/a><\/span>\u00a0found that celibacy was positively associated with personal accomplishment and engagement. Note, however, that it also found that long-term celibacy was connected to burnout<\/a>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When is celibacy NOT a good thing? <\/span><\/h3>\n

Like everything, celibacy has positives and negatives<\/strong>, and it all comes down to how it\u2019s being used.<\/span><\/p>\n

Movements like<\/strong> ‘incels’ (involuntary celibates) or MGTOW’ (men going their own way’) are often questioned for the negative ways they frame and use celibacy.<\/p>\n

Celibacy is less beneficial if you:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n