{"id":119758,"date":"2020-07-14T11:00:37","date_gmt":"2020-07-14T10:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=119758"},"modified":"2023-03-14T04:59:08","modified_gmt":"2023-03-14T04:59:08","slug":"narcissistic-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/narcissistic-parenting.htm","title":{"rendered":"Narcissistic Parenting – Was This Your Childhood?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Often wonder if your current issues have to do with<\/strong> the way you were parented<\/a>? And worry that the lack of unconditional love<\/a> but copious amounts of control<\/a> you dealt with as a child might mean you suffered narcissistic parenting?<\/span><\/p>\n

A study<\/span><\/a> published in the International Journal of Psychology and Psychological Therapy that interviewed over 400 young adults directly linked adolescent anxiety and depression with having a narcissistic parent.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

14 signs of narcissistic parenting <\/span><\/h2>\n

*Note that ‘ narcissistic parenting’ does not necessarily imply your mother, father, or guardian has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They might just have narcissistic traits. More on that below. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

1.Your parent saw you as an extension of them.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Instead of being encouraged to have your own personality, you parent expected you to make them look good.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Many parents can fall into having unfair expectations, being controlling at times, or demanding you make them proud. The difference is that a narcissistic parent refuses to ever see you as an individual. Even when you are a grown up yourself, you are supposed to be what they want.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2. They lived out their wishes and dreams through you.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

You wore the clothes they wanted their child dressed in. Played the violin or piano or a certain sport because they did, or wanted to but were never given the opportunity. Were expected to go to a certain university they did. Or to have a career they wanted but weren’t allowed to go for.<\/p>\n

3. Admiration was required.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

As very young children we naturally look up to our parents.<\/strong> A narcissistic parent would encourage this, asking you if they are pretty, or if you think they are the best, making sure you know their previous accomplishments. <\/span><\/p>\n

When you became an older child and perhaps dared to notice your parent wasn\u2019t<\/strong> doing something other parents were? Or even made a hint that your parent wasn\u2019t doing things right? This would be met with quick anger<\/a> or punishment, such as in the form of withdrawn affection or ‘suddenly’ being unable to afford your school trip.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

4. Questioning what you were told was not an option.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Again, you were to be in line with your narcissistic parent, and their ideas and desires. <\/span><\/p>\n

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Whereas healthy parenting or even good enough parenting embraces a child disagreeing or developing his own ideas? Narcissistic parenting demands agreement. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

5. Sadness, anger, being moody? Not allowed.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\"narcissisticYou weren\u2019t allowed to \u2018upset\u2019 your parent. And <\/span><\/strong>having emotions they didn\u2019t like was part of that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Many children of narcissistic parents grow up with identity issues<\/span> <\/a>because of this. They are unable to know what they really feel or need as adults as they spent their life hiding such things.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

6. Having such emotions meant being shamed or belittled.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Shame<\/a> and guilt<\/a> are main tools of narcissistic parenting. Perhaps they told the other parent or your siblings a funny story about it all later, in front of you, mocking you. Or called you a baby, or other unkind names.<\/span><\/p>\n

7. You lived on eggshells because of their temper.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

A narcissistic parent is quick to anger. There would be no chance to<\/strong> explain why you did what you did or defend yourself. You would simply be met with fury and punishment.<\/span><\/p>\n

8. You were punished for seeing your parent act at less than their best.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

A narcissist needs to be admired. So if you perchance saw<\/strong> your parent crying<\/a>, too drunk<\/a>, or making a fool of themselves? You might be punished for it, such as being ignored or treated as if it was your fault for ‘spying’.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

9. You were not allowed to seem weak in public. <\/span><\/h3>\n

The rule was to always act like your home life was wonderful. Anything less would be seen as an act of betrayal. <\/span><\/p>\n

10. You were blamed for things you didn\u2019t do. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Your mother is tired? You wore her out talking, or by daring to be in the room at all. Your father is late home from work again? It’s because you leave your toys everywhere, which makes him not want to come home. Again, guilt and shame are the tools used against you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"narcissistic

By: Brandon Satterwhite<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

11. You were set against your siblings.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Some narcissistic parents will amuse themselves by<\/strong> setting children against each other, encouraging them to fight for affection.<\/span><\/p>\n

12. Your parent tried to charm any of your friends who came over. <\/span><\/h3>\n

Instead of having time alone with friends there was your parent, demanding attention. That is if they let you have any real friends<\/a> at all. Many narcissistic parents don\u2019t like their children having independent lives. <\/span><\/p>\n

13. You were blocked from being independent.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Your parent would use emotional blackmail to stop your independence. <\/span>You want to go away for the weekend with your girlfriend\u2019s family? Your mother doesn\u2019t feel well and will only get worse if you leave. Or your father isn’t sure he’ll ‘feel the same about you’ afterwards.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

14. Love came with conditions.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sometimes you were heaped with praise. You were made to feel loved. But<\/strong> it came with strings attached. You were loved if you kept being talented, pretty, ‘good’. Or if you continued to do what your parent wanted.<\/p>\n

And you were never to outshine your narcissistic parent. Or you would be knocked back into line.<\/strong> If someone called you prettier than your mother, she’d cut your hair off because ‘it suited you better’. If you were offered a summer apprenticeship at your father’s firm and people liked you more, suddenly you were ‘no longer needed’.<\/p>\n

Symptoms of surviving narcissistic parenting<\/h2>\n

You can also look at how you ended up as an adult<\/strong>. Narcissistic parenting takes a toll. This can look like:<\/p>\n