{"id":120544,"date":"2020-09-29T11:00:50","date_gmt":"2020-09-29T10:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=120544"},"modified":"2023-03-02T17:38:56","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T17:38:56","slug":"compromise-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compromise-in-relationships.htm","title":{"rendered":"Compromise in Relationships &#8211; the Good, the Bad, and How to Tell the Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_120553\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120553\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120553\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/chris-liverani-9cd8qOgeNIY-unsplash-400x259.jpg\" alt=\"compromise in relationships\" width=\"400\" height=\"259\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/chris-liverani-9cd8qOgeNIY-unsplash-400x259.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/chris-liverani-9cd8qOgeNIY-unsplash-500x324.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/chris-liverani-9cd8qOgeNIY-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120553\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Chris Liverani<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Unless you are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/friendship-and-love.htm\">dating or friends<\/a> with your own personal clone, you are going to<\/strong> at some point face a difference of opinion. How you compromise in relationships will either make or eventually break your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-connection-coronavirus.htm\">connection<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Define compromise in relationships?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>Compromise in relationships is about meeting in the middle.<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">You find a solution that might not be exactly what you want, or they want, but is the closest to pleasing you both than other available options.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>You want to stay home and watch a film, they want to go out dancing.<\/strong> You compromise by going out to the theatre. They get out of the house and get to be around people, you get to escape into a story. Your needs are met.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Of course compromise in romantic relationships can be about much bigger issues.<\/strong> It can be about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/she-or-he-doesnt-want-kids.htm\">having children<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/weddings-and-depression-pnd.htm\">getting married<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/moving-abroad-cause-depression.htm\">where you end up living<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Good compromise, bad compromise?<\/span><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-connection-coronavirus.htm\"> feel connected<\/a>, like you and the other worked as a team? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Is there a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-trust.htm\">feeling of trust<\/a> and security with this<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-take-a-decision.htm\"> decision<\/a>? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Or even excitement at a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-stuck-in-life.htm\">new way forward<\/a> you hadn\u2019t considered? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Will this compromise actually get done? Does it feel solid and truthful?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Then it\u2019s a good compromise.<\/strong> Good compromise is an energised advancement. And it&#8217;s a &#8216;we&#8217; thing that is good for mental health.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10902-014-9582-8\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Research at the university of Taiwan<\/span><\/a> showed that the more individuals have a relational focus (i.e., a greater use of \u201cwe\u201d) while narrating their experiences of compromise with family, the better psychological health they will experience.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<div id=\"attachment_120546\" style=\"width: 277px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120546\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120546\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fred-moon-S9yn7XYqxoU-unsplash-2-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"compromise in relationships\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fred-moon-S9yn7XYqxoU-unsplash-2-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fred-moon-S9yn7XYqxoU-unsplash-2-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fred-moon-S9yn7XYqxoU-unsplash-2.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120546\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Fred Moon<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But what if you don\u2019t feel that way at all? <\/strong>If you feel exhausted by the decision made, or pushed?? Or sense that the other person agreed too quickly, and is now <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-types-of-anger.htm\">angry<\/a> with you? It might not be compromise at all. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Compromise and codependency<\/span><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you feel you\u2019ve made a \u2018sacrifice\u2019 with the compromise? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Did you constantly ask the other, \u2018what works for you\u2019?<\/span><\/li>\n<li>And <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/anxiety-therapy.htm\">feel anxious<\/a> if they don&#8217;t seem happy with the outcome?<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does the compromise mean your own needs are put aside? And meet more of your partners requirements than yours?<\/span><\/li>\n<li>Does the outcome make you feel tired or secretly grumpy?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">That same Taiwanese study points out this sort of &#8216;compromise&#8217; is <em>bad\u00a0<\/em>for mental health. &#8220;Compromising, which includes accommodating and sacrificing, may also lead to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/anxiety-vs-depression.htm\">anxiety and depression<\/a>.&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>And it&#8217;s really just <\/strong><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/codependency-symptoms-modern-times.htm\">codependency<\/a>, where you<\/strong> gain your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">sense of self<\/a> not from within, but from without. From how others see you and respond to you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Control over compromise <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Sometimes we think we are great at compromise. But we are actually <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/controlling-behaviours-actually-guilty.htm\">engaging in control<\/a> of our friend or partner.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do most of the ideas come from you?<br \/>\n<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/good-listener-person-centred-counselling.htm\"> talk more than you listen<\/a>, and is it you who announces the final decision? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does the other person act quiet, withdrawn, or sullen after? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do they then not to what you agreed to, or even <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-sabotage.htm\">sabotage things<\/a>? <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3>Why do I struggle with compromise in relationships?<\/h3>\n<p><strong>A struggle with compromise can be related to your<\/strong> &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\">attachment style<\/a>&#8216;. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">Attachment theory<\/a> suggests that we need at least one caregiver to provide reliable and consistent unconditional love and safety when we are children. Otherwise we develop<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\"> issues with how we connect<\/a> and relate.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/1990-22471-001\">Research by psychologists Collins and Read<\/a> confirmed that if we had steady care and end up with &#8216;secure attachment&#8217;, then we find the trust and commitment in relationships easier, both which make compromise easier.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-anxious-attachment-style.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Anxious attachment<\/span><\/a>, on the other hand, leads to issues with compromise. A <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a style=\"color: #333399; text-decoration: underline;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/249718974_Attachment_Style_and_Willingness_to_Compromise_When_Choosing_a_Mate\">study looking at how young men choose partners<\/a><\/span> confirmed that those with anxious attachment were the least willing to compromise. Anxious attachment leads to, &#8220;relatively low self-esteem and a tendency to overassess situations as threatening, irreversible, and uncontrollable,&#8221; as well as seeing partners as unresponsive to your needs and unreliable.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The one thing we really can\u2019t compromise on <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_120552\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120552\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120552\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5157005497_5353c68c00-400x383.jpg\" alt=\"compromise in relationships\" width=\"400\" height=\"383\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5157005497_5353c68c00-400x383.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5157005497_5353c68c00.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120552\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/soukup\/5157005497\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Martha Soukup<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-values-know-yours.htm\">Personal values<\/a> are the things we deep down hold as important when everything else falls away. And they are intrinsic, not really things that change much over our lifetime. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If you are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-conflict-still-fighting.htm\">constantly bickering<\/a> in your relationship and can\u2019t find a compromise, it can be a case of different values<\/strong>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you deeply value <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder.htm\">stability<\/a>, and the other deeply values adventure, compromise might just leave you both miserable. And if you value<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/surviving-lockdown-coronavirus.htm\"> family<\/a> but your partner values freedom, then the question of children will be a constant clash and leave one person <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bitterness.htm\">feeling bitter<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">If values aren\u2019t shared, relationships are tricky. Sometimes, if we can\u2019t agree to disagree, we need to accept that there will always be limits. Or even that\u2019s it <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-doubts.htm\">not really the right relationship to be in<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How can I be better at compromise in relationships?<\/span><\/h3>\n<h4><span style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Recognise your needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n<p>How can you compromise if you aren&#8217;t really sure what you are after? And yet that&#8217;s what many of us try to do. We grow up in families where our needs were overlooked or dismissed, and have to learn how to recognise what we need. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-use-a-self-help-journal.htm\">Journalling<\/a> can help, as can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/mindfulness-help-guide.htm\">mindfulness<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/talk-to-a-therapist.htm\">working with a therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h4><span style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Communicate your needs clearly.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n<p>Of course we then have to be honest about what those needs are. It can be scary at first to share what we need if we&#8217;ve grown up <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\">pleasing others<\/a>, but with practise it get&#8217;s easier.<\/p>\n<h4><span style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Identify your personal values.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n<p>Again, personal values are the lines in the sand, the things we really can&#8217;t cross without suffering. Put time into identifying what yours are, so you know where how far your negotiating can go.<\/p>\n<h4><span style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Listen carefully to the other person.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n<p>Compromise in relationships is about you both getting your needs met. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">Learn to fully listen<\/a> to the other, with an empty, present mind. Reflect back if you aren&#8217;t sure. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/good-questions-to-ask.htm\">Ask good questions<\/a> beginning with &#8216;what&#8217; and &#8216;how&#8217; if you need more information (avoid &#8216;why&#8217; which can sound accusatory).<\/p>\n<h4><span style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Be open to being wrong, a key to compromise in relationhips.<\/span><\/h4>\n<p>If a discussion rolls into <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\">blame<\/a> and right\/wrong, then it&#8217;s not going toward compromise but towards conflict. It&#8217;s okay to make mistakes when trying to find ways forward.<\/p>\n<h3>And when all else fails&#8230;..<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Before you decide to throw in the towel on a romantic relationship, consider<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/couples-therapy.htm\">couples counselling<\/a>. Often an inability to compromise in relationships comes from<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/communication-problems.htm\"> communication issues<\/a>. A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/common-issues-in-couples-therapy.htm\">relationship counsellor<\/a> will help you recognise what you both really want, and help you communicate in ways that move you forward instead of tear you apart.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you know deep down the issue comes from you, and you recognise yourself in the<\/strong> description of anxious attachment and know <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-parents-are-you-one.htm\">the parenting you received was lacking<\/a>? Then consider personal counselling. Not only will your relationships prove, but so will your<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\"> self-esteem<\/a> and clarity on what you want from life.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>Ready to get the support you deserve? We connect you with highly rated and experienced London-based talk therapists and couples counsellors. Or use <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">our booking platform<\/span><\/a> to source <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK-wide therapists<\/span><\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">online counsellors<\/span><\/a> you can access from anywhere in the world.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Have a further question about compromise in relationships? Or want to share your own tip with other readers? Use the comment box below.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"126\" height=\"127\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy<\/strong> studied counselling and has since written over two thousand articles on mental health. Once a serious codependent over-compromiser, she knows the value of a fair agreement. Find her @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Unless you are dating or friends with your own personal clone, you are going to at some point face a difference of opinion. How you compromise in relationships will either make or eventually break your connection. Define compromise in relationships? Compromise in relationships is about meeting in the middle. You find [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":120553,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[247,89,431,313,90,379],"class_list":["post-120544","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-conflict","tag-couples-counselling","tag-friendship","tag-relationship-conflict","tag-relationship-issues","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Compromise in Relationships - the Good, the Bad, and How to Tell the Difference - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you struggle to meet in the middle? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":1,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Unless you are dating or friends with your own personal clone, you are going to at some point face a difference of opinion. How you compromise in relationships will either make or eventually break your connection. Define compromise in relationships? Compromise in relationships is about meeting in the middle. 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