{"id":120609,"date":"2020-10-06T11:00:52","date_gmt":"2020-10-06T10:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=120609"},"modified":"2023-03-08T10:07:48","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T10:07:48","slug":"accepting-what-is","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/accepting-what-is.htm","title":{"rendered":"Accepting What Is &#8211; Is It Really a Good Idea?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_120611\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/41752428620_eab69a19e1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120611\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120611\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/41752428620_eab69a19e1-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"accepting what is\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/41752428620_eab69a19e1-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/41752428620_eab69a19e1-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/41752428620_eab69a19e1.jpg 499w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-120611\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/143106192@N03\/41752428620\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Mike Cohen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does your life always <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-at-dealing-with-conflict.htm\">have a conflict<\/a> or two on the go? Constantly dreaming of being somewhere else? Or fighting your way forward? Accepting what is could be a tool you need. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is acceptance? <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>In psychology, acceptance is closely linked to<\/strong> <em>allowing<\/em>, and to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/present-moment-secret-better-mood.htm\">the present moment<\/a>. What is happening right here and now, what are you feeling in this moment? And can you allow that to be what it is? <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The opposite of acceptance is resistance. We refuse to<\/strong> allow things to be as they are, convince ourselves we can<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/controlling-behaviours-actually-guilty.htm\"> control<\/a> and change everything, and enter into conflict,\u00a0 or live with ongoing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bitterness.htm\">resentment<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>And acceptance is a powerful tool when it comes to our psychological health.<\/strong> Research shows that acceptance of negative experiences leads to less <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-mental-health.htm\">mental health<\/a> issues down the line, and is particularly beneficial with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-suicidal-or-like-self-harming-techniques-to-stop-distress.htm\">high stress<\/a> experiences.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC3045747\/\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">dual study lead by the University of Denver in America<\/span><\/a> found that accepting over avoiding negative emotional experiences buffers us from experiencing negative psychological effects, including making us less likely to experience depression in the face of a highly stressful situation.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How to know what you are not accepting <\/span><\/h2>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">\u201cWhat you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.\u201d Carl Jung <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If you aren\u2019t sure what you are and aren\u2019t accepting in life, look at what areas of life always<\/strong> seem to be more, instead of less, of a problem. <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What\/who are you always trying to improve or change?<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where or with whom are you always in conflict? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Is there something\/someone that always makes you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/defensiveness-relationships.htm\">defensive<\/a>? \u201cNo, but\u2026\u201d?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What\/who leaves you experiencing feelings of resentment? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Or gives you a never-ending <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\">sense of fatigue<\/a>? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What\/who are you always going out of your way to avoid?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What\/who do you complain about constantly?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Make a list of everything you know about this person or situation.<\/strong> What are you okay with, and what do you find unbearable? Of the things you marked as unbearable, are they really within your power to control or change? What could you just accept as is? If you can&#8217;t accept this person\/situation, why are you sticking with it and not moving on?<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Myths about acceptance you need to know<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>What are the myths about accepting things that you need to know?<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Accepting what is is not resignation. <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_120623\" style=\"width: 276px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120623\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120623\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jeffery-erhunse-BQMZ5ligqps-unsplash-266x400.jpg\" alt=\"accepting what is\" width=\"266\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jeffery-erhunse-BQMZ5ligqps-unsplash-266x400.jpg 266w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jeffery-erhunse-BQMZ5ligqps-unsplash-399x600.jpg 399w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jeffery-erhunse-BQMZ5ligqps-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 266px) 100vw, 266px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120623\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Jeffery Erhunse<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It is not about saying, \u2018it is what it is, and that\u2019s that\u2019. It\u2019s rather clearly seeing a situation for what it is, including acknowledging (not denying) the power you do have to change things.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Acceptance is not laziness or weakness. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s not lazy to accept what is. It takes courage, focus, and honesty. And again, it\u2019s not about accepting what is so that you can do nothing, but so that you know what your options really are.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Acceptance is not accepting abuse. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>This is where acceptance can be used incorrectly and is NOT a good thing.<\/strong> If we use it as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation, it\u2019s not acceptance, it\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mental-wellbeing.htm\">self-sabotage<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">It is never acceptable to be abused, whether that is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/honesty-criticism-or-verbal-abuse.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">verbal abuse<\/span><\/a>, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">psychological and emotional abuse<\/span>, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-economic-abuse.htm\">financial abuse<\/a><\/span>. If you are in an abusive situation, seek support.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Accepting what is is not letting yourself off the hook. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>To the contrary, it can mean taking responsibility for a situation.<\/strong> When we accept what is over what we want to tell ourselves is, then we have to also by default accept how we got to this place in our lives. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>One of the main reasons we can avoid accepting what is is to stay mired in<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/live-life-like-victim-12-ways-tell.htm\">the victim mentality<\/a>. We avoid accepting that our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leaving-a-relationship.htm\">relationship is beyond repair<\/a>, for example, because we are hooked on feeling sorry for ourselves. To accept that it\u2019s time to leave would mean accepting we have made a bad choice. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The incredible benefits of acceptance <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">The benefits of acceptance can be: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>seeing where it&#8217;s time to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\"> set personal boundaries<\/a> or instigate change<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">dropping your rigid focus then noticing positives you had overlooked<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-stuck-in-life.htm\">recognising new ways forward<\/a> you hadn\u2019t seen before <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">gaining back energy you were wasting with resisting <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">allowing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-repressed-signs.htm\">blocked emotions<\/a> to process <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">having clarity to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-take-a-decision.htm\">make better decisions<\/a> and l<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/letting-go-and-moving-on.htm\">et go and move on<\/a>.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>A bit about self-acceptance<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_120629\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120629\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120629\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fares-hamouche-Xe9vkCD7_5g-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"accepting what is\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fares-hamouche-Xe9vkCD7_5g-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fares-hamouche-Xe9vkCD7_5g-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fares-hamouche-Xe9vkCD7_5g-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/fares-hamouche-Xe9vkCD7_5g-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120629\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Fares Hamouche<\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>What if it&#8217;s yourself you can&#8217;t accept? That all your conflict<\/strong> is with the critical voice in your head?<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">You are in good company; <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a style=\"color: #333399; text-decoration: underline;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedaily.com\/releases\/2014\/03\/140307111016.htm\">a large-scale survey by UK charity Action for Happiness<\/a> <\/span>found that almost a half of Brits rated themselves very low on acceptance. And the less we accept ourselves, the more we tend to judge others.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Lack of self-acceptance does not come out of nowhere. It tends to come from<\/strong> a childhood where we weren&#8217;t taught our own value. We had to &#8216;earn&#8217; love by being pleasing, or lived with a critical, demanding caregiver. Which leads onto the next point.<\/p>\n<h2>Resisting the past<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>One of the areas we resist &#8211; and at a very high cost \u2014 is the past.<\/strong> We resist accepting that we experienced a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-remember-childhood-trauma-abuse.htm\">childhood trauma<\/a>, or received <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-parents-are-you-one.htm\">poor parenting<\/a>, and felt <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-do-i-feel-so-unloveable.htm\">unloved<\/a>. And we spend a great amount of energy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-are-repressed-emotions.htm\">repressing our feelings<\/a> of sadness and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-types-of-anger.htm\">rage<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The result is things like<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/push-pull-relationship.htm\">difficulty with relationships<\/a>, constant fatigue and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/daily-distractions-be-concerned.htm\">distraction<\/a>, addictive behaviours like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/alcohol-and-depression.htm\">alcohol abuse<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/truth-about-overeating-case-study.htm\">overeating<\/a>, and an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/reach-your-full-potential.htm\">inability to live up to our potential<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Accepting the past for what it is can seem terrifying. We can worry it will<\/strong> overwhelm us entirely. Or that by accepting it we are condoning it, when what happened is simply not acceptable. Or we might simply worry about what people would think if they knew. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But accepting the past allows us to stop it from constantly colouring<\/strong> our present and future. Acceptance becomes the line in the sand. \u201cIt ends here\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Of course it\u2019s not done in a day. It takes<\/strong> courage, commitment, and hard work, preferably <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/talk-to-a-therapist.htm\">with a therapist<\/a> who can create a safe space to remember and feel, and can help you stabilise your life to support you better as you process the past. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What types of therapy can help me with accepting what is?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy-london.htm\"><strong>Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)<\/strong><\/a> has acceptance as a core concept.<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-focused-therapy.htm\">Compassion-focused therapy<\/a> <\/strong>is great if you need to accept yourself, and by so doing expand your capacity to accept others.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\"><strong>cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/strong><\/a> can help you recognise your negative, unhelpful thoughts and turn them into more balanced and useful ones.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>Ready to stop resisting and start accepting? Harley Therapy connects you with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">top-rated London-based therapists<\/span><\/a> who are happy to help. Alternatively, find an affordable <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK registered therapist<\/span><\/a> or online counsellor via <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\">our booking platform<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy<\/b> is a health and wellbeing expert, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Does your life always have a conflict or two on the go? Constantly dreaming of being somewhere else? Or fighting your way forward? Accepting what is could be a tool you need. What is acceptance? In psychology, acceptance is closely linked to allowing, and to the present moment. What is happening [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":120623,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[21,315],"tags":[224,196],"class_list":["post-120609","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-anxiety-and-stress","category-mindfulness","tag-anxiety-stress","tag-mindfulness","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Accepting What Is - Is It Really a Good Idea? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Accepting what is can sound &#039;new age&#039; but it&#039;s actually a powerful personal development tool - with some exceptions. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Does your life always have a conflict or two on the go? Constantly dreaming of being somewhere else? Or fighting your way forward? Accepting what is could be a tool you need. What is acceptance? In psychology, acceptance is closely linked to allowing, and to the present moment. 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