{"id":120699,"date":"2020-10-15T11:00:38","date_gmt":"2020-10-15T10:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=120699"},"modified":"2023-03-08T10:04:41","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T10:04:41","slug":"sexually-abusive-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sexually-abusive-relationship.htm","title":{"rendered":"Is What Your Partner Did Sexually Abusive?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_120707\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120707\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120707\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"sexually abusive relationship\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-120707\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Damir Spanic<\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Did your partner cross a line sexually, and you are wondering if it is or isn\u2019t sexually abusive? What is and isn\u2019t a sexually abusive relationship as two adults?<\/p>\n<h2>What is sexual abuse in a relationship?<\/h2>\n<p>Sexual abuse in adult relationships, also called \u2018intimate partner sexual violence\u2019, is <strong>unwanted sexual activity you\u2019ve been made to do against your will, or been manipulated to accept with things like threats, sulking, or blackmail.<\/strong><\/p>\n<h2>What does intimate partner sexual violence look like?<\/h2>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">If you said no, or you said you were unsure, and your partner went ahead and did the sexual act anyway? Or you said stop and they kept going? It\u2019s sexual abuse.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>And it is sexually abusive if you are being:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>held down during sex without your consent<\/li>\n<li>purposely hurt during sex<\/li>\n<li>forced to watch <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addicted-to-pornography.htm\">porn<\/a> or look at sexual imagery<\/li>\n<li>made to have sex with someone else<\/li>\n<li>told to accept another person being involved when you don&#8217;t want to<\/li>\n<li>pressured to allow naked and\/or sexual photographs or videos<\/li>\n<li>forced to dress in a sexual way you don\u2019t like<\/li>\n<li>not told about unsafe sex or the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stealthing-assault.htm\">condom being removed without your approval (stealthing)\u00a0<\/a><\/li>\n<li>given a sexually transmitted disease on purpose<\/li>\n<li>given <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/party-drugs-depression.htm\">drugs<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/alcohol-and-depression.htm\">alcohol<\/a> with the intent to lower your ability to say no.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Sexual coercion in intimate relationships<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Sexual abuse can also take the form of coercion.<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/coercive-control.htm\">Coercion<\/a> is manipulation and control. This can look like:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>pressuring you to do things even after you\u2019ve<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-say-no-more-effectively.htm\"> said no<\/a><\/li>\n<li>telling you that what is about to happen has to remain a secret<\/li>\n<li>pushing you to do things even when you\u2019ve made it clear you\u2019re afraid<\/li>\n<li>punishing you if you don\u2019t go along with what they want<\/li>\n<li>making you feel bad you don\u2019t want sex when you are ill, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\">tired,<\/a> or<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/injury-and-depression.htm\"> injured<\/a><\/li>\n<li>insulting you in sexual ways or being called sexual names<\/li>\n<li>making you feel like you owe them sex<\/li>\n<li>insinuating bad things will happen if you don\u2019t do what they want<\/li>\n<li>getting <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-types-of-anger.htm\">angry<\/a> with you if you refuse to do what they want sexually<\/li>\n<li>or refusing to talk to you, sulking, or otherwise making you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-do-i-feel-guilty-all-the-time.htm\">feel guilty<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>But I\u2019m in an open or alternative relationship, is it still sexual abuse?<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_120703\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/31845826367_0b727c1975.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120703\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120703\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/31845826367_0b727c1975-400x261.jpg\" alt=\"sexually abusive relationship\" width=\"400\" height=\"261\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/31845826367_0b727c1975-400x261.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/31845826367_0b727c1975.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-120703\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/toptenalternatives\/31845826367\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Top Ten Alternatives<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>If you said no to a sexual act and were coerced into it, then it\u2019s assault or abuse. It doesn\u2019t matter if you are<\/strong> involved in S&amp;M, or if you have a sexually adventurous <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/open-relationships.htm\">open relationship<\/a>, or a LBGTQ relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sexual abuse in an adult relationship can happen to anyone. It happens across<\/strong> class, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/power-of-storytelling.htm\">race<\/a>, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and culture.<\/p>\n<h2>But I didn\u2019t mind it, I might even have liked it<\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>If you said no, if you were clear you didn\u2019t want something, and were made to<\/strong> do something against your will? It\u2019s abusive. It doesn&#8217;t matter if your body responded or not, or if it was or wasn&#8217;t as horrible as you expected.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Intimate partner sexual violence can be confusing, particularly if<\/strong> we feel we are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/love-or-infatuation.htm\">in love<\/a> with the person. We can try to justify things to ourselves afterwards, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/its-all-my-fault-self-blame.htm\">blame ourselves<\/a>.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Note that a partner who is sexually abusive is highly likely to also be abusive in other ways, including emotionally and psychologically. They might be manipulating you to feel it\u2019s all your fault, that you get what you deserve, or that you actually like it but just aren\u2019t admitting it.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>How do you feel around the other person?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>If you are always trying to justify your partner\u2019s behaviour, it can help to<\/strong> ask yourself the following questions.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Do you feel fear around them?<\/li>\n<li>Or intimidated?<\/li>\n<li>After each sexual act do you feel guilty and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\">ashamed<\/a>?<\/li>\n<li>Are you increasingly using a substance like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/party-drugs-depression.htm\">drugs<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/alcohol-use.htm\">alcohol<\/a> when around them, to help you feel calmer?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Other major signs your partner is abusive<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_120702\" style=\"width: 275px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6863968882_4122b00a61-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-120702\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-120702\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6863968882_4122b00a61-1-265x400.jpg\" alt=\"sexually abusive partner\" width=\"265\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6863968882_4122b00a61-1-265x400.jpg 265w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6863968882_4122b00a61-1.jpg 331w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 265px) 100vw, 265px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-120702\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/omgitszo\/6863968882\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Zorah Olivia<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>Again, sexually abusive partners are almost inevitably abusive in other ways, most often<\/strong> physical abuse. Does your partner push or slap you? Hit you? Physically hurt you in any other way?<\/p>\n<p>They might also be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm\">emotionally abusive<\/a>,<strong> constantly belittling you, calling you names and blaming you for everything.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/coercive-control.htm\">psychologically abusive<\/a>,<strong> telling you nobody will love you but them, that you are nothing without them, or threatening to hurt you or themselves<\/strong> if you don\u2019t do what they want. They might cut you off from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dysfunctional-family-help.htm\">family<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-feel-so-alone.htm\">friends<\/a>, and destroy things that are important to you.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-economic-abuse.htm\">Economic abuse<\/a> is also important to know about. This means your partner controls you by<strong> limiting your access to money or stops you from being financially independent.\u00a0<\/strong>This can mean they stop you from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wrong-career-path.htm\">getting a job<\/a>, take the money you do earn, or refuse to let you go to school to retrain and be employable.<\/p>\n<h2>What do I do if my partner is sexually abusing me?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>If you are with a partner who is abusing you in anyway, you need to get help.<\/strong> Abusive relationships are not easy to walk away from. We can be psychologically addicted to the cycle of pain then approval <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/myths-about-domestic-violence.htm\">domestic abuse<\/a> involves, and it can mimic confusion about love and abuse we learned from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-remember-childhood-trauma-abuse.htm\">trauma as a child<\/a>, called \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm\">trauma bonding<\/a>\u2019.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You might also be very afraid about what your partner will do,<\/strong> particularly if they have ever threatened to hurt you, your children, or your pets. Or ashamed about what people might think if they knew.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So do not blame yourself if you can\u2019t just walk away easily. Reach out for whatever help you can.<\/strong> This might be a trusted friend, or a support group, or calling a help line or charity.<\/p>\n<h2>Where to find help in the UK<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk\/\">Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline<\/a> for women 0808 2000 247. Free 24h.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/mensadviceline.org.uk\">Men&#8217;s Advice Line<\/a> for men 0808 8010 327<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.mankind.org.uk\/\">ManKind<\/a> for men on 0182 3334 244<\/li>\n<li>Galop LGBT+ 0800 999 5428<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.themix.org.uk\/\">The Mix<\/a> for the under 25s \u00a00808 808 4994<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.samaritans.org\/how-we-can-help\/contact-samaritan\/talk-us-phone\/\">The Samaritans<\/a> (for anyone) 24\/7 116 123.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Not sure if your relationship is abusive, or want to talk things over with someone in a safe, confidential environment? We connect you with kind, highly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">experienced therapists in central London.<\/span><\/a> Or use <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">our booking portal<\/span><\/a> to find <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\">UK- wide registered therapists<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">online counsellors<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"134\" height=\"134\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 134px) 100vw, 134px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy<\/b> is a health and wellbeing expert, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Did your partner cross a line sexually, and you are wondering if it is or isn\u2019t sexually abusive? What is and isn\u2019t a sexually abusive relationship as two adults? What is sexual abuse in a relationship? Sexual abuse in adult relationships, also called \u2018intimate partner sexual violence\u2019, is unwanted sexual activity [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":120707,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[3948,6],"tags":[4316,445,313,402],"class_list":["post-120699","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-abuse-and-trauma","category-relationships","tag-abusive-relationship","tag-domestic-abuse","tag-relationship-conflict","tag-sexual-abuse","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Is What Your Partner Did Sexually Abusive? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is your intimate relationship sexually abusive? Abuse can be insiduous, and if we think we are in love, we can excuse a sexually abusive partner\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sexually-abusive-relationship.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Is What Your Partner Did Sexually Abusive?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Is your intimate relationship sexually abusive? Abuse can be insiduous, and if we think we are in love, we can excuse a sexually abusive partner\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sexually-abusive-relationship.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/harleytherapy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-10-15T10:00:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-03-08T10:04:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/damir-spanic-8SuZ4l4C3FA-unsplash.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"709\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"472\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Andrea M. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Did your partner cross a line sexually, and you are wondering if it is or isn\u2019t sexually abusive? What is and isn\u2019t a sexually abusive relationship as two adults? What is sexual abuse in a relationship? 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