{"id":121662,"date":"2021-02-16T11:00:10","date_gmt":"2021-02-16T11:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=121662"},"modified":"2023-03-09T18:42:24","modified_gmt":"2023-03-09T18:42:24","slug":"how-to-stand-up-for-yourself-9-steps-that-really-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-stand-up-for-yourself-9-steps-that-really-help.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Stand Up For Yourself &#8211; 9 Steps That Really Help"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_121663\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14158693137_0829c4e022.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-121663\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-121663\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14158693137_0829c4e022-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"how to stand up for yourself\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14158693137_0829c4e022-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14158693137_0829c4e022.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14158693137_0829c4e022-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-121663\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/26254305@N08\/14158693137\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">roanokecollege<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Is there a situation in your life you\u2019ve let go on for far too long?<\/strong> And you know you need to stand up for yourself? <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">9 Steps to standing up for yourself in life<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span class=\"s1\">So where to start?<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Make sure you\u2019ve read the situation right. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong>Sometimes our thinking isn&#8217;t correct. We can get caught up in what are<\/strong> called<span class=\"s1\"><strong>\u00a0\u2018<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/cognitive-distortions.htm\">cognitive distortions<\/a>\u2019. This means we think we know what&#8217;s real, but we are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/black-and-white-thinking-stop-drama-addict.htm\">thinking in extremes<\/a>, or \u00a0&#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/catastrophizing-always-assuming-the-worse-heres-why-you-should-stop.htm\">catastrophising<\/a>&#8216; and\u00a0 assuming the worse.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Do you have all the information available about this situation or person?\u00a0<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Are you in any way <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/making-assumptions.htm\">making assumptions<\/a> and telling yourself they are facts?\u00a0<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Such as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/assumptions-in-relationships.htm\">assuming you know how the other person thinks<\/a> instead of asking them?\u00a0<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Try different perspectives. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Taking the time to<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-perspective.htm\">see different perspectives<\/a> puts you on better footing for negotiating and being heard.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span>If you were the other person, with their experiences and life, what might this situation look like?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">And what about if you zoomed out to an even bigger picture? If this situation was a film, and you and the other person just characters, what else might you notice as a watcher?\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. De-charge in advance. <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_121665\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7678960512_5f04ffd410-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-121665\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-121665\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7678960512_5f04ffd410-1-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"how to stand up for yourself\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7678960512_5f04ffd410-1-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7678960512_5f04ffd410-1-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7678960512_5f04ffd410-1.jpg 499w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-121665\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/macrj\/7678960512\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Rory MacLeod<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">How to stand up for yourself? As calmly as possible. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Emotions are useful things that help us\u00a0<\/strong>recognise our limits and set boundaries. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But when it comes to speaking up for ourselves,<\/strong> t<\/span><span class=\"s1\">hey <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/foggy-brain.htm\">muddy our thinking<\/a> and can make us incoherent when we try to speak. Or we come across as unstable and hard to take seriously.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>So the less emotional you are when you go to<\/strong> stand up four yourself, and the more neutral, the better.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Take time to recharge in a way that works for you. This might be taking paper and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-use-a-self-help-journal.htm\">free-form journalling<\/a>, furiously writing out any wild and crazy thing that comes, then ripping up the pages. Or it might look like a long run, a session with a punching bag, or punching pillows.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Be sure of what you are standing up for.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>If we rush into telling someone else what is what, we can end up asking for things we later realise don&#8217;t even work.<\/strong> We tell them we want them to carry their weight more in a joint project, forgetting to say what parts we still want to do ourselves. Or go on about how we want respect, but then end up coming across as not wanting any future contact when we do.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #666699;\">Get to the heart of what you need and want. Not what you think you &#8216;should&#8217; need and want, or what others around you seem to think you need or want from the situation. What would actually work for you personally. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>This is best done on paper, or by talking it<\/strong> through out loud to yourself, both of which can <\/span><span class=\"s1\">draw things from your unconscious into awareness. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Talking to someone you trust can at times be helpful. But if you are the sort who<\/strong> struggles to stand up for yourself, you are also likely the sort who falls into <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\">pleasing others<\/a>. It would be better to talk things through with a<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/types-of-therapists.htm\"> professional counsellor or psychotherapist<\/a> who is trained at listening over giving out <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/giving-advice-in-relationships.htm\">advice<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Communicate in a nonviolent or manipulative way. <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_121680\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-121680\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-121680\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/mimi-thian-lp1AKIUV3yo-unsplash-3-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"how to stand up for yourself\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/mimi-thian-lp1AKIUV3yo-unsplash-3-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/mimi-thian-lp1AKIUV3yo-unsplash-3-500x374.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/mimi-thian-lp1AKIUV3yo-unsplash-3.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-121680\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Mimi Thian<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Good communication is an art and a skill. It doesn\u2019t come naturally to many, <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">but is something we can all learn and get better at with practice.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">The key things to keep in mind are: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Be clear and to the point. <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Don\u2019t make excuses or explain, which just makes you look uncertain, and gives the other person leverage to talk you down. Just state your needs and wants. <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do not bring blame into it. Start sentences with \u2018I\u2019 and not \u2018you\u2019. <em>&#8220;I feel this about the situation, and I want that from the situation.&#8221;<\/em><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Keep your voice and energy calm, grounded, and open. Take your time when speaking. <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you feel you are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-types-of-anger.htm\">getting angry<\/a> or want to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\">blame<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/manipulative-behaviour-are-you-guilty.htm\">manipulate<\/a>, ask if you can continue the conversation at another time and get away. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Stick to the subject at hand. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Don\u2019t bring in other people when talking, called<\/strong> \u2018triangling\u2019. This looks like, \u201cWell our colleague Jan agrees with me on this\u2026.&#8221;. Keep the conversation to the people in the room. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">And don&#8217;t bring in the past or other situations, unless they are directly connected. This is just a backhanded way to bring blame into the mix, and you risk taking the conversation so off topic you end up not standing up for yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">7. Be a broken record. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">What if the other person is trying to blame or manipulate you? If the more you try to stand up for yourself, the more they try to bully you?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Then use the \u2018broken record technique\u2019. This means you repeat the same thing in slightly different ways again and again, and offer nothing else.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>For example, let&#8217;s say you are standing up for yourself by refusing to<\/strong> do a proposal for a colleague and cover for them yet again. This technique would sound like, &#8220;No, I can\u2019t do the proposal for you. It\u2019s not possible. No, I can\u2019t do it tonight. I can\u2019t do it. Sorry, no. I\u2019m not available this time&#8221;.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Again, don\u2019t give excuses or explanations. Just repeat your bottom line.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">8. Find the compromise. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Sometimes a conversation leads to <\/strong>new information and insight. We realise the other person doesn\u2019t disrespect us as they hate us but because they are insecure. Or that our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/is-dealing-with-difficult-colleagues-affecting-your-mental-wellbeing.htm\">work colleague<\/a> is secretly attending chemo, which accounts for<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\"> their exhaustion<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">New information does not mean we throw our own wants and needs out the window. It means we might need to find a middle ground we haven&#8217;t yet considered. If you aren\u2019t sure what that is, and need to have a think, ask for the time to do so.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">9. Keep trying. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If you have spent years living life as a carpet, letting others take advantage of you? Standing up for yourself one time is not likely to change everything.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Others have a set idea of what you and aren\u2019t available for. So it might take a few tries before they &#8216;get&#8217; that the deal has changed, and you are<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\"> setting boundaries<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">Don\u2019t feel disheartened if you first attempt at standing up for yourself only achieves a day\u2019s worth of respect. See it as one step of the dance changed. And keep going. Eventually, others will realise you are serious about the limits you\u2019ve stated.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2>Always have drama?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Always having issues with others? And often<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-handle-rejection.htm\">feel rejected<\/a>? Prone to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/pandemic-mental-health-issues.htm\"> emotional outbursts<\/a>? It&#8217;s worth looking into <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\">borderline personality disorder<\/a>, which leads to making negative assumptions about situations and others.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">A <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/23196999\/#:~:text=BPD%20was%20also%20characterized%20by,attribution%20and%20paranoid%20cognitive%20style.\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">review of research<\/span><\/a> on the neurocognitive profiles of people <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/borderline-personality-relationships.htm\">diagnosed with BPD<\/a> shows that it leads to deficient feedback processing,<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/black-and-white-thinking-stop-drama-addict.htm\"> black and white thinking<\/a>, jumping to conclusions, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\">blaming others<\/a>, and thinking in ways that make you paranoid.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How to stand up for yourself with an abuser<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>What if the person you want to stand up to is actually someone who is abusing you?<\/strong>Either <\/span><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333333;\">physically, sexually, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/honesty-criticism-or-verbal-abuse.htm\">psychologically<\/a>, or<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-economic-abuse.htm\"> financially<\/a>?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>An abuser is not going to suddenly stop being an abuser.\u00a0<\/strong>And they might see any attempt to negotiate as an excuse to hurt you more.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">The best way to stand up for yourself with an abuser is to physically stand up and walk away for good. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Of course <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm\">getting out of abusive relationships<\/a> is hard, as they are<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addictive-relationships.htm\"> addictive<\/a> and confusing. So use what energy you have available to find support, such as<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mental-health-helpline.htm\"> calling a charity<\/a> or reaching out to trusted friends.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Need help raising your self-esteem or learning how to relate to others? We connect you with a top team of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">London therapists<\/span> <\/a>known for their expertise and commitment. Or use <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">our booking site<\/span><\/a> to <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">find a UK-wide therapist<\/span><\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">online counsellor<\/span><\/a> now.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Still have a question about this article and how to stand up for yourself? Ask below. Note <strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">we cannot offer free counselling over comments.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"126\" height=\"127\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert<\/a> trained in person centred counselling and coaching. She was raised to be pleasing, and had to learn how to stand her ground, so knows it&#8217;s possible! Find her on <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/AndreaMDarcy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Twitter<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/amdarcy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Linkedin<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Is there a situation in your life you\u2019ve let go on for far too long? And you know you need to stand up for yourself? 9 Steps to standing up for yourself in life So where to start? 1. Make sure you\u2019ve read the situation right. Sometimes our thinking isn&#8217;t correct. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":121663,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,125],"tags":[118,4954,4009,172],"class_list":["post-121662","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-esteem","tag-low-self-esteem","tag-relationship","tag-student-stress","tag-workplace-stress","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Stand Up For Yourself - 9 Steps That Really Help - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Annoying boss or colleague? Or someone at school? 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