{"id":122339,"date":"2021-04-27T11:00:45","date_gmt":"2021-04-27T10:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=122339"},"modified":"2023-03-08T15:43:43","modified_gmt":"2023-03-08T15:43:43","slug":"cinderella-complex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/cinderella-complex.htm","title":{"rendered":"The Cinderella Complex &#8211; When a Secret Need to be Saved Ruins Everything"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_122340\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7785002236_0768dab1af.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-122340\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-122340\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7785002236_0768dab1af-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"the cinderella complex\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7785002236_0768dab1af-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7785002236_0768dab1af.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-122340\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/11325321@N08\/7785002236\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\">Jennie Park mydisneyadventures<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are you an ambitious sort? Then you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-relationships-is-it-one.htm\">get in a relationship<\/a>, and your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wrong-career-path.htm\">career<\/a> dives or stalls?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Or have you led your life on hold, waiting for someone else to inspire you? The Cinderella complex might be your problem.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is the Cinderella Complex?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">The Cinderella complex is a <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">hidden desire to be saved. Deep down you don\u2019t want to be responsible for yourself, and fear independence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The term was made popular by author<\/strong> Colette Dowling back in the 1980s, when she <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Cinderella-Complex-Womens-Hidden-Independence\/dp\/0671733346\" rel=\"nofollow\">published a book of the same name<\/a>. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">The idea she proposes is that women are raised to be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dependent-personality-disorder.htm\">dependent<\/a>, and this unconscious need to be protected and saved leads to a constant tendency to sabotage success and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-happiness-really.htm\">happiness<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong> Just like Cinderella, we deem our own hard work and intelligence as not enough<\/strong>, believing we need an outside force, another person, to arrive and save the day.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">The term can really apply to anyone, of any gender, who tends to put their life on hold for other people, unconsciously signalling they want to be saved instead of live from their own power. You want someone else to provide instead of providing for yourself, whether that is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/money-stress.htm\">financially<\/a>, mentally, or emotionally.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What are the signs of the Cinderella syndrome? <\/span><\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_122343\" style=\"width: 277px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-122343\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-122343\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/trevor-buntin-eiGYGtrRZr8-unsplash-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"cinderella complex\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/trevor-buntin-eiGYGtrRZr8-unsplash-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/trevor-buntin-eiGYGtrRZr8-unsplash-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/trevor-buntin-eiGYGtrRZr8-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-122343\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Trevor Buntin<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>At the heart of this issue is a tendency to sabotage your own success<\/strong> in order to stay weak and \u2018saveable\u2019. This can look like:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">\u2018forgetting\u2019 important things like meetings and deadlines<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Always having sudden drama before a big step forward in life<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">changing your mind right before you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-set-goals-that-work.htm\">achieve a goal<\/a> (&#8216;I\u2019ve decided I don\u2019t really want that job after all&#8217;).<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">It can involve feelings of need and dependency: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">feeling <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-take-a-decision.htm\">panicky<\/a> at thought of your partner leaving or dying<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">never feeling like anything is enough<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">a sense of emptiness.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>And it can involve a cycle where you are strong and savvy when alone, but<\/strong> morph when you get in a relationship. This can see you:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">focus less on your career <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">stop <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-take-a-decision.htm\">making decisions<\/a> for yourself<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">spend more time<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\"> pleasing your partner<\/a> than yourself <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">become a caretaker, suddenly cooking and cleaning more than usual<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">suddenly have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/money-problems.htm\">money issues<\/a> and need them to take charge <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">keep getting \u2018sick\u2019 with, for example, ongoing flu and colds<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">stop your hobbies and interests and engage in your partner\u2019s instead<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">staying even if it&#8217;s obviously a<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/quiz-healthy-destructive-relationship\"> dysfunctional relationship<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>And then it involves rescue fantasies. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Deep down, if you are honest with yourself, you are waiting. Waiting for that \u2018someone\u2019 to come along who makes everything okay. Who makes everything make sense. Who makes you want to be you. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Why do I have this hidden need to be saved?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-122347\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/noah-buscher-AUM5vcnuYd4-unsplash-1-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"cinderella complex\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/noah-buscher-AUM5vcnuYd4-unsplash-1-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/noah-buscher-AUM5vcnuYd4-unsplash-1-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/noah-buscher-AUM5vcnuYd4-unsplash-1.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/>The world has ostensibly evolved and moved on since<\/strong> Dowling wrote <em>the Cinderella Complex<\/em>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But not for everybody. Many of us still grew up with a family<\/strong> that, knowingly or not, encouraged us to be dependent instead of independent. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>For someone who identifies as female, this could look like being raised with<\/strong> \u2018traditional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/values-and-beliefs.htm\">values<\/a>\u2019. Where it&#8217;s boys who are brave. Girls are to be good and sweet. If you weren\u2019t taught to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-the-unknown.htm\">face fear<\/a> as a child, if you were subject to jokes about how you\u2019d make a good wife and mother, or to marry rich, then you were not fed the idea that you are a strong person who will take charge of her own life. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>For men, you might be okay to provide for yourself financially, but you could struggle to provide for yourself<\/strong> mentally and emotionally. This can happen if you were a \u2018mummy\u2019s boy\u2019. If all your decisions were made for you, and you were never taught to think for yourself, or dare to be different. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"s1\">So I\u2019m supposed to stay independent?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>The Cinderella complex is one end of a spectrum, and many of us swing wildly from one side to the other <\/strong>in a reactive cycle. In a relationship we are strangely needy and panicky. If the relationship then ends, we become overly independent. We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/reaching-out-support.htm\">never ask for help<\/a>, and we push ourselves to achieve.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><span style=\"color: #800080;\">We react to our own need and our own <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\">shame<\/a>, and find ourselves never stable or certain of ourselves.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>This happens because <em>neither<\/em> dependency or independency are that healthy in and of themselves.<\/strong> Dependency can lead to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/codependency-symptoms-modern-times.htm\">codependency<\/a> (getting our entire sense of self from another instead of sourcing it from within). Fierce independency leads to what psychologists call \u2018counter-dependency\u2019 where we isolate ourselves from others, pushing away any threat to our seeming autonomy. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><em>So then what\u2019s the healthy answer?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<h2>The power of counter-dependency<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Like most things, the best way doesn\u2019t lie in extremes, but in the middle. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Counter-dependency means we depend on each other not from a place of need or desperation, but<\/strong> from a place of desire and feeling grounded. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">It\u2019s a sharing sort of dependency. \u201cI know I can survive and thrive by myself, I take good care of myself and provide for myself. But I choose to depend on you at times and let you depend on me in return\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s of course essential that both parties can easily be independent and have a<\/strong> healthy relationship with themselves. Or it&#8217;s not really counter dependency. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">But how do I end my Cinderella Complex?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s not a matter of just \u2018deciding\u2019 you\u2019ll stop throwing away your<\/strong> personal power <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm\">when love comes knocking<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The Cinderella complex comes from deeply ingrained ways of<\/strong> seeing yourself and the world, and from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-change-your-core-beliefs.htm\">unconscious beliefs<\/a> that have been there since childhood. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>So it takes<\/strong> time, commitment, and hard work to change. This can include things like:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">recognising what values you grew up with and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-values-know-yours.htm\">what values are yours<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">and what<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/examples-of-core-beliefs.htm\"> core beliefs<\/a> you actually have about yourself<\/span><\/li>\n<li>being honest about what your needs are and finding healthy ways to get them met<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">identifying and healing past situations that hurt your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thoughts.htm\">self-esteem<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm\">recognising who you really are<\/a> and what you really want<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">learning to relate in honest ways instead of power games. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>There are many self-help books which can be a great start, as can<\/strong> internet groups and forums. But given how intricately attached the Cinderella complex is with our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">sense of self<\/a> and our primary relationships growing up, it can be very helpful to work with a therapist. Not least as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-the-therapeutic-alliance.htm\">therapy is a sort of relationship<\/a>, and can act as a sort of model to show us our own need to be dependent, plus be a safe space to try out new ways of relating.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>Pretty sure this is you? And it&#8217;s time to claim your personal power? We connect you with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">top London-based therapists<\/span><\/a>. Or use our <span style=\"color: #800080;\">booking site<\/span> to find <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK-wide registered therapists<\/span><\/a> now.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy mental health expert\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/b><span style=\"color: #333399;\"> is a mental health and wellbeing expert, who has done some training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Are you an ambitious sort? Then you get in a relationship, and your career dives or stalls?\u00a0 Or have you led your life on hold, waiting for someone else to inspire you? The Cinderella complex might be your problem.\u00a0 What is the Cinderella Complex? The Cinderella complex is a hidden desire [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":122340,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,125],"tags":[290,289,379,262],"class_list":["post-122339","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-esteem","tag-confidence","tag-identity","tag-relationships","tag-self-esteem-2","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Cinderella Complex - When a Secret Need to be Saved Ruins Everything - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you become suddenly needy and panicky in relationships? 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Darcy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/cinderella-complex.htm\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/cinderella-complex.htm\",\"name\":\"The Cinderella Complex - When a Secret Need to be Saved Ruins Everything - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/cinderella-complex.htm#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/cinderella-complex.htm#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/7785002236_0768dab1af.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-04-27T10:00:45+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-08T15:43:43+00:00\",\"description\":\"Do you become suddenly needy and panicky in relationships? 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