{"id":122368,"date":"2021-04-29T11:00:34","date_gmt":"2021-04-29T10:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=122368"},"modified":"2023-03-10T14:02:32","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T14:02:32","slug":"dad-guilt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dad-guilt.htm","title":{"rendered":"Dad Guilt? When “Bad Dad” Worries Bring You Down"},"content":{"rendered":"
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photo by: Maria Fernanda<\/p><\/div>\n

by Hugh Wilson<\/span><\/p>\n

Between providing for your children and spending time with them,<\/strong> are you worried you are leaning way too far to one side or the other? Welcome to the world of ‘dad guilt’.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What is dad guilt?<\/span><\/h3>\n

Dad guilt is a relatively recent phenomenon that has emerged as a<\/strong> new generation of dads has become more involved in day-to-day childcare. This new arrangement is sometimes the result of simple economics<\/a>, with many families reliant on two working parents<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s also true that many dads welcome the change, and want to be more involved<\/strong> in the lives of their children. They demonstrate it by lobbying for a more parent-friendly working week, and being prepared to jump ship for employers that provide flexible working<\/a>. They are organising their time to be around for school runs and bedtimes ,and leaving their laptop at work over the weekend. <\/span><\/p>\n

So why the guilt?<\/span><\/h3>\n

Reality doesn\u2019t always measure up to expectations.<\/strong> While the situation described above is becoming more common, in many workplaces<\/a> there\u2019s still a belief that, while new mums<\/a> should be at home looking after the baby, the best thing new dads can do is bring home more of the bacon. <\/span><\/p>\n

Even in more progressive organisations, fathers feel torn between the twin roles of provider and parent,<\/strong> never quite giving their best to either and being left feeling a bad dad.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A survey by America’s famed “Today Show”<\/span> <\/a>found that one in five fathers worried about not being present enough for their children, and 17 per cent worried about working too much. But the overarching worry was still about not being a good provider.\u00a0 One in four felt ‘dad guilt’ about not making enough money to provide for their family in the way they’d like<\/span>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sound a lot like the kind of thing working mums have been struggling with for decades?<\/strong> Perhaps. Conscientious dads want to be good providers and good parents, and — unlike previous generations — don\u2019t see them as the same thing. Dad guilt<\/a> is the predictable result.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Covid-19 and parenting\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n
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photo by Charles Deluvio<\/p><\/div>\n

The pandemic can raise uncomfortable questions<\/strong> in a man about\u00a0 his basic proficiency as a parent. Home schooling<\/a> is tough, and trying to fill countless hours of isolation with fun and inspiring activities feels a thankless task. A father can feel his attempt to be teacher, confidante, friend<\/a>, entertainer, carer<\/a>, and also provider, have fallen flat. <\/span><\/p>\n

Dad guilt can also be intensified by the \u2018always on\u2019 nature of remote work.<\/strong> Zoom calls and last-minute requests have seeped into what would otherwise be family time. <\/span><\/p>\n

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Many hardworking dads expected remote work to give them more time for their children. Too often, the opposite has been true, with working at home quickly morphing into living at work.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

When children suffer, dads do too<\/span><\/h3>\n

It can be hard not to feel<\/strong> powerless<\/a> if your child is suffering through the deprivations of lockdown<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

And many have.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong>According to England\u2019s Mental Health of Children and Young People Survey (MHCYP), probable mental health conditions increased<\/span><\/a> from 10.8% in 2017, to 16% in July 2020. <\/span><\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not just about diagnosable mental health conditions. Parental guilt kicks in when<\/strong> children show signs of feeling lonely<\/a>, bored<\/a>, or a bit miserable, all of which have been hugely magnified by lockdown. And then there is child anxiety<\/a> about schools reopening. <\/span>No parent feels anything but guilty about forcing a reluctant child back to school<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

How can I manage my endless sense of being a ‘bad dad’?<\/h3>\n
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photo by Joice Kelly<\/p><\/div>\n

So what can dads do to reduce feelings of dad guilt?<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Stop feeling alone in your dad guilt.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/h4>\n

Remember that all dads (and all parents) experience guilt. Notice how those around you<\/strong> are experiencing similar. For example, many parents struggled with home schooling and felt inadequate trying to be a teacher.<\/span><\/p>\n

And give yourself credit for what has gone well. Yes, your kids might have had more screen time during lockdown than was necessarily good for them<\/a>, but you made it through.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2. <\/span>Recognise your employer’s responsibility.<\/span><\/span><\/h4>\n

The amount of dad guilt you feel is often determined by your workplace<\/a>. The pandemic<\/a> was a litmus test for employer attitudes. <\/span><\/p>\n