{"id":122534,"date":"2021-05-18T11:00:28","date_gmt":"2021-05-18T10:00:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=122534"},"modified":"2023-03-10T18:24:18","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T18:24:18","slug":"how-to-show-respect","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-show-respect.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Show Respect in Relationships &#8211; And Why You Might Have it Wrong"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-122535 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/respect-400x324.png\" alt=\"how to show respect\" width=\"400\" height=\"324\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/respect-400x324.png 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/respect-500x405.png 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/respect.png 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The word &#8216;respect&#8217; gets thrown around a lot. But what does it really mean to show respect in relationships?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cYou don\u2019t respect me\u201d<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s a common way to shut someone down<\/strong> in a discussion or argument. \u201cYeah well you don\u2019t respect me!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>What we are really saying <\/strong>can be:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-ignored-how-to-get-people-to-listen.htm\"><span class=\"s1\">I don\u2019t feel listened to<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I want more attention <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\">you aren&#8217;t doing what I wanted or needed you to do<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\">don\u2019t trust<\/a> you\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">you are not living up to my<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/setting-expectations.htm\"> expectations<\/a>. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>Here the phrase \u2018you don\u2019t respect me\u2019 becomes a cover for the fact that we are not communicating<\/strong> our wants and needs well, if at all. And then we are blaming the other person for not being able to read our mind.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is respect in relationships?<\/span><\/h2>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/huolab.psych.ucla.edu\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/5\/2014\/03\/Huo-Binning-Compass-2008.pdf\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Research<\/span><\/a> by psychologists at the University of California suggests that most people equate respect to two things &#8212; a feeling of belonging, and a need to have status. We want to feel we are valued, and we want to feel we have a place in the world.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>But value and belonging don&#8217;t come from the above attitude that<\/strong> we &#8216;deserve&#8217; attention. Nor do they come from bullying or manipulating others to meet our needs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Belonging comes from shared experience. And feeling valued comes from<\/strong> a space of authenticity.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">We<span class=\"s1\"> accept the other person for who they are and what they offer, creating a safe space for them to grow as that person. Even as they recognise, accept, and create a safe space for you to be yourself and grow as a person. <\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>How to show respect in relationships<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_122549\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-122549\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-122549\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kate-kalvach-YUyueCkd7Tk-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"how to show respect\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kate-kalvach-YUyueCkd7Tk-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kate-kalvach-YUyueCkd7Tk-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kate-kalvach-YUyueCkd7Tk-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kate-kalvach-YUyueCkd7Tk-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-122549\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Kate Kalvach<\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><b>In summary,<\/b> respect requires committed, right action that creates belonging and shared value.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">And respect really matters. The same research concluded that respect &#8220;plays an important role in shaping not only social engagement in group life, but also the self-esteem and physical well-being of the individual.&#8221;<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Ingredients of a respectful relationship<\/h2>\n<p><span class=\"s1\">The ingredients of a respectful relationship include:<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Equality.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>How are you similar? What do you have in common and share?<\/strong> The more we realise we are the same, the more we respect each other and create that feeling of belonging. Seeing differences creates space to think we are better than someone, or they are better than us. It creates alienation.<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Good listening.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Good listening means we don\u2019t interrupt. We don\u2019t listen with half our mind when the rest plans what we\u2019ll say next. We are fully present.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">[Read our article, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">How to Listen Like a Therapist&#8221;<\/a> to supercharge your skill!]\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Clear communication.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>This means stating our opinions and asking for what we want calmly,<\/strong> without resorting to manipulation or blame. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We don\u2019t start sentences with &#8216;you\u2019 bu<\/strong>t \u2018I\u2019. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">\u201cYou make me feel\u201d is blame. \u201cI feel this when you do that\u201d is taking responsibility for your own feelings and communicating. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #666699;\">If we aren\u2019t sure the other person understands us, we take the time to ask and get clarification. If we don\u2019t understand what they are saying, we admit it, and ask for clarification. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Personal boundaries.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Thinking we have boundaries is useless. A boundary only becomes a boundary when we clearly communicate it.<\/span><span class=\"Apple-converted-space\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">\u00a0<\/span> <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-122550\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/stillness-inmotion-LmQRYcJmtv8-unsplash-1-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"how to show respect\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/stillness-inmotion-LmQRYcJmtv8-unsplash-1-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/stillness-inmotion-LmQRYcJmtv8-unsplash-1-500x374.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/stillness-inmotion-LmQRYcJmtv8-unsplash-1.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><strong>Personal boundaries are our proverbial lines in the sand.<\/strong> This is my limit, I ask you not to cross it. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Let\u2019s take lateness as an example<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"s1\">A boundary would look like calmly letting them know that if they are going to be late, they need to call or text you. Otherwise, you wait for 15 minutes, then leave. If this happens, if they are more than 15 minutes late without warning, then you do leave, and that\u2019s the end of it. You don\u2019t harp on about it in every argument.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Individual identities.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">How can someone respect another person if they can\u2019t even tell who that person is? <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If you don\u2019t maintain a <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">sense of self<\/a> in relationship, if you chop and change yourself to match a partner or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-feel-so-alone.htm\">friend<\/a>, or change depending on who you are with? Then others will be confused. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Codependency blocks respect.<\/strong> When <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">we are codependent<\/a> we have a belief that we have to \u2018win\u2019 love so do so by being endlessly \u2018helpful\u2019 and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\"> pleasing<\/a>. The trouble is that we then base our esteem on being useful to the other. Our<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm\"> identity is lost<\/a>, and the other person starts to lose respect for us. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Accountability.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We all make mistakes now and then. We forget things, mix up dates and times,<\/strong> let each other down. But if you are constantly doing so, then it will be hard for others to respect you. They can stop feeling safe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong> If you struggle with practicalities because of something like<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/adult-adhd-quiz\">adult ADHD<\/a>, it doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t have a respectful relationship. It means you need to be honest about the struggle and invest in a lot of communication and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-honest-does-it-matter.htm\"> honesty<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">7. Honesty.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Respect can\u2019t grow if we are pretending to be what we aren\u2019t and always just letting the other down, or are so stressed by a lie we aren\u2019t fully present. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">8. Trust. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Trust takes time to grow. But the more we work to be trustworthy, the more we gain respect. Mistakes might happen. But if they do, we admit them, and ask how to make amends.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">An underestimated ingredient of trust is acceptance. We trust others when we know they accept us as we are. And we are more likely to work to be trustworthy if we feel accepted over judged and monitored.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Simply can\u2019t respect each other? <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Try really hard but they just do things that you don&#8217;t approve of?<\/strong> Or vice versa? Often it\u2019s a case of mismatched values. We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/toxic-friends-what-to-do.htm\">aren&#8217;t all made to be friends<\/a> or partners.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Who cares if you like the same type of<\/strong> music if one of you believes in stability and the other in adventure? And if you are obsessed with honestly and your partner values privacy, then you\u2019ll constantly be clashing. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>First spend time identifying what your values even are. Not the values of your<\/strong> parents, your peers, or your partner, but yours. Then make those values clear through the choices and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-set-goals-that-work.htm\"> goals<\/a> you make, and you\u2019ll naturally earn more respect and attract those who share your values.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The main reason nobody respects you?<br \/>\n<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Try your hardest to be a trustworthy, open person, but feel like everyone constantly disrespects you?<\/strong> Don\u2019t show up when you make plans, seems to forget about you, don&#8217;t listen to you? <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">The big question to ask here is, \u201cDo I respect myself\u201d? Run through the list above. Are you honest with yourself? Do you trust yourself, are you accountable to yourself, do you do what you tell yourself you will? Or are you constantly letting yourself down, and lying to yourself?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Other people react to the cues we unconsciously give them.<\/strong> They learn how we are willing to be treated and what we will put up from from us. A classic example is someone who always jokingly puts themselves down. They tend to then find <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/constant-criticism.htm\">other people criticise them<\/a>, too.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>Need help respecting yourself and others? We connect you to a highly-regarded team of <span style=\"color: #333399;\">London talk therapists<\/span>. Or use our booking platform to find <span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK-wide therapists<\/span> and <span style=\"color: #333399;\">online counselling<\/span> you can book from overseas.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Still have a question about how to show respect to others? Post below. Note we are unable to provide free counselling and all comments are moderated.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"105\" height=\"106\" \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b>Andrea M. Darcy <\/b>is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher with training in person-centred counselling and coaching, as well a popular psychology writer. Follow her on Instagram for useful life tips @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Andrea M. Darcy The word &#8216;respect&#8217; gets thrown around a lot. But what does it really mean to show respect in relationships? \u201cYou don\u2019t respect me\u201d It\u2019s a common way to shut someone down in a discussion or argument. \u201cYeah well you don\u2019t respect me!\u201d\u00a0 What we are really saying can be: I don\u2019t feel [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":122535,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[379],"class_list":["post-122534","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Show Respect in Relationships - And Why You Might Have it Wrong - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-show-respect.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Show Respect in Relationships - And Why You Might Have it Wrong\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Andrea M. Darcy The word &#8216;respect&#8217; gets thrown around a lot. But what does it really mean to show respect in relationships? \u201cYou don\u2019t respect me\u201d It\u2019s a common way to shut someone down in a discussion or argument. \u201cYeah well you don\u2019t respect me!\u201d\u00a0 What we are really saying can be: I don\u2019t feel [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-show-respect.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/harleytherapy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-05-18T10:00:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-03-10T18:24:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/respect.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"709\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"574\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Andrea M. 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