{"id":122908,"date":"2021-06-29T11:00:13","date_gmt":"2021-06-29T10:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=122908"},"modified":"2023-03-13T13:33:33","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T13:33:33","slug":"how-to-stop-thinking-about-someone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-stop-thinking-about-someone.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Thinking About Someone (and Why it\u2019s so Hard)"},"content":{"rendered":"
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photo by: Ian Dooley<\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Wondering how to stop thinking<\/a> about someone?\u00a0 And why it is that you can\u2019t stop thinking about them when they broke your heart<\/a>, or made you crazy?<\/span><\/p>\n

Why can\u2019t I stop thinking about him or her? <\/span><\/h2>\n

Hard cold reality — you were in an unhealthy relating situation<\/strong> and the end result of that is never a good feeling. It’s feeling broken and obsessed.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

How is that possible? <\/span><\/strong>Sadly, we live in a society that encourages unhealthy approaches around relating.<\/strong> Social media<\/a>, films and television present us with an endless parade of addictive behaviours<\/a> that\u00a0 are sold to us as \u2018love’, and codependent entanglements<\/a> that are called ‘friendship<\/a>‘.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

These false ideas won\u2019t have too much of an influence on us if we grew up<\/strong> learning healthy relating<\/a> from the adults around us and had a safe, secure childhood. We\u2019ll simply know better. But what about the rest of us?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Why are my relating skills not working?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Before you can understand how to stop thinking about someone, you need to get clear on how you got into this situation.<\/strong> Why would you be attracted into unhealthy romances<\/a> and friendships<\/a>? Only to be left unable to move on? See if any (or all) of the following resonate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

1. You never learned what healthy relationships are.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u2018Modelling\u2019 refers to the way children learn behaviours from what they see around them.<\/strong> Examples of poor modelling would be parents or a parent who:<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. always fought than made up, teaching you love is intense<\/a> and wild<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. or were dishonest, with one endlessly obsessed on where the other was, teaching you love is anxiety and overthinking\u00a0<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n
  3. had endless short and intense relationships<\/a> that left them broken and obsessed afterwards, teaching you that love is obsession.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    2. You have attachment issues.<\/span><\/h3>\n

    \"howOf course most of us, as we grow up, question any behaviours we learned from our parents, and start to learn our own. <\/span><\/p>\n

    \n

    What doesn’t change as easily, however, is the belief about love we learned from our primary caregiver.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

    If you were only loved if<\/strong> you were \u2018good\u2019? Or had a moody, unstable parent or guardian, who only loved you when they felt like it? Or not at all? <\/span><\/p>\n

    Then you are likely to grow up into an adult with <\/strong>what are called \u2018attachment issues<\/a>\u2019.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    If you are unable to stop thinking about someone, you most likely have <\/strong>\u2018anxious attachment<\/a>\u2019. You might push and pull in relationships<\/a> to get a break from the anxiety they cause you. But if the other person leaves, you panic.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    3. You are a love and relationship addict.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

    A research overview<\/a> on addictions drawing on data from 83 studies found that love addiction was thought to affect up to 26% of the adult population.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    When it comes to how to stop thinking about someone, you might have to face up to whether or not you are addicted. As yourself:<\/p>\n