{"id":122986,"date":"2021-07-06T11:00:43","date_gmt":"2021-07-06T10:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=122986"},"modified":"2023-03-06T08:38:28","modified_gmt":"2023-03-06T08:38:28","slug":"different-love-languages","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-love-languages.htm","title":{"rendered":"The Different Love Languages &#8211; Which One is Yours?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_122987\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-122987\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-122987\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jon-tyson-UK61KZPnpyY-unsplash-300x400.jpg\" alt=\"different love languages\" width=\"300\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jon-tyson-UK61KZPnpyY-unsplash-300x400.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jon-tyson-UK61KZPnpyY-unsplash-450x600.jpg 450w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/jon-tyson-UK61KZPnpyY-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-122987\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Jon Tyson<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Sometimes feel like you and your partner or spouse speak different languages, or that it\u2019s just that<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\"> hard to connect<\/a> these days? While you might be&#8230;. different love languages, that is. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What are \u2018love languages\u2019? <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>The concept was created by<\/strong> American <a href=\"https:\/\/www.5lovelanguages.com\/learn\">marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, <\/a>when he began to notice that the advice he\u2019d give to couples could work for one partner, but not the other. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">The different love languages refer to the five key ways we give and receive love within relationships. And the idea is that if you figure out you and your partner\u2019s language, and start to \u2018talk\u2019 in ways each other understand? Your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-relationships-is-it-one.htm\">relationship will improve<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The 5 different love languages<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In his bestselling book\u00a0<em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/Five-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts\/dp\/B002SPVFOA\/\" rel=\"nofollow\">The 5 Love Languages<\/a>,<\/em> Chapman explains that we &#8216;speak our love&#8217; with:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">words of affirmation<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">quality time <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">receiving gifts<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">acts of service <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">physical touch.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Words of affirmation.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">This means that you feel loved when your partner offers you positive, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/giving-constructive-feedback.htm\">supportive feedback<\/a>. This might be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/practicing-gratitude-mood.htm\">gratitude<\/a> for what you do for them. Or it could be them noticing your efforts, both in the relationship and in your life, and offering encouragement. As Chapman explains:<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">&#8216;With verbal encouragement we are trying to communicate, &#8220;I know, I care. I am with you. How can I help?&#8221; &#8216;<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Quality time.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If quality time is your thing, then you need to spend time where you and your partner are focused on each other and connected. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">In his book, Chapman suggests that&#8211;<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-123003\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/annie-spratt-WvjOw4uw5pQ-unsplash-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"photo by Annie Spratt\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/annie-spratt-WvjOw4uw5pQ-unsplash-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/annie-spratt-WvjOw4uw5pQ-unsplash-401x600.jpg 401w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/annie-spratt-WvjOw4uw5pQ-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/>&#8220;The essential ingredients in a quality activity are 1) <\/span>at least one of you wants to do it, 2) the other is willing to do it, 3) but your you know why you are doing it, to express love by being together.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><span class=\"s1\"><strong>So no, quality time is not the same as spending time together.<\/strong> Going out to a restaurant then<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/screen-time-recommendations.htm\"> staring at your perspective phones<\/a> and only<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/conflicting-parenting-styles.htm\"> talking about the kids<\/a> schedules, for example, is not quality time.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Receiving gifts.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Thoughtful offerings make you feel loved.<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t even need to be things of value. It could be a little love note slipped into your coat pocket, a bar of your favourite chocolate, or a poem written just for you. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s the person thinking of you that makes you feel good,<\/strong> not the actual object.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Any partner trying to convince the other that high ticket items is their &#8216;love language&#8217; is confusing materialism and manipulation with love, and they are not related.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Acts of service.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Acts of service mean that you feel loved when your partner does thoughtful things to help you.<\/strong> For example, they clean the house when it\u2019s your turn, make your favourite dinner when you have had a terrible day at work, take the rubbish out without asking, or put the kids to bed happily. These things make you feel safe and cared for.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><em><span class=\"s1\">Note that this is not about being a martyr or being at your partner\u2019s beck and call, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/generous-person-or-over-giver.htm\">forgoing all your own needs to make a partner happy<\/a>. That is just straight up <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/codependency-symptoms-modern-times.htm\">codependency<\/a>.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Physical touch.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If physical touch is your love language, then you crave<\/strong> closeness with your partner. Hugs, holding hands, sitting watching TV curled up together, being in close proximity\u2026.. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sexually-abusive-relationship.htm\">healthy connected sex<\/a> can be part of it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But this love language isn&#8217;t actually synonymous with sex.<\/strong> Most people like sex, but that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s their love language. Physical touch involves all of the above, not just sexual touch.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What if I don\u2019t know what mine is? Or have several?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Some people have more than one language, but in most cases we have a \u2018primary\u2019 one. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">If you aren\u2019t sure what the different love languages is yours, or you are not sure which one is your primary language? <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">Chapman suggests the following:<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Look at what your parter does or doesn\u2019t do that upsets and hurts you most.<\/strong> The opposite of this is likely your love language. <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Listen to what you ask for the most from your partner.<\/strong> Your most common requests probably hides your primary language. <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Then take note of the way you show love.<\/strong> What is your favourite way to let your partner know you love them? That is probably your language, and also how you want to receive love. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<div id=\"attachment_123005\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-123005\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-123005\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"different love languages\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-1536x1024.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-2048x1365.jpg 2048w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/kyle-glenn-kvIAk3J_A1c-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-123005\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by: Kyle Glenn<\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong><span class=\"s1\">For example: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Do you hate when your partner ignores you or is too <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/workaholic-symptoms.htm\">busy at work<\/a> to care about your relationship? Your love language is probably quality time. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Always nagging your partner to take the<\/strong> rubbish out, or to take his turn chauffeuring the kids? <\/span><span class=\"s1\">You probably are an acts of service type. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Leave little notes in your partner\u2019s<\/strong> lunchbox, like to buy new clothes for them, or hide their favourite box of chocolates under their pillow? You are probably a gifts type.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h2>Maybe I don&#8217;t have a love language because I am unloveable<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Sometimes we have had an empty \u2018love tank\u2019 for so long,<\/strong> we really have no idea what makes us feel loved. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>In this case, Chapman suggests casting your mind back to the very beginning of your relationship.<\/strong> What was it that made you think you were in love then? What did the other person do or say that made you want to be with them? <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Or ask yourself, who is my perfect mate?<\/strong> What do they do and say? How do they make me feel good, loved, and safe?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The main mixup is in the bedroom\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Convinced you have two love languages, one of which<\/strong> is physical touch? <\/span><span class=\"s1\">Chapman points out that most of us crave sex. But that\u2019s doesn&#8217;t mean it\u2019s our love language.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">The main distinction here can be found by asking yourself if your partner only gave you sex, but never again gave you the other love language, would you feel loved and happy? <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>For example, say you are sure your love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation.<\/strong> If your partner never again thanked you for what you did or gave you support for your career, never said \u2018good job\u2019 or \u2018thank you\u2019 again, but you did have an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-sex-drives.htm\">active sex life<\/a>, would that be enough for you to feel loved? If not, then it\u2019s more like the other language is yours, and you simply like sex.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When love languages WON\u2019T work<\/span><\/h2>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">1. If you are speaking your partner&#8217;s language as you feel you \u2018have\u2019 to.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If loving your partner is actually a chore, then it\u2019s time to reassess what you are<\/strong> doing in the relationship. If you truly no longer want them to be happy, and you only do so begrudgingly, then perhaps it\u2019s time to move on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Of course if you are doing the love languages as your partner asked you to, and it\u2019s not that you don\u2019t care<\/strong> about their happiness, you just hate being told what to do? Then you need to discuss this with your partner. Find a compromise that works for you, such as having &#8216;off&#8217; days where you don&#8217;t have to try or talk about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">2. If you are using the different love languages to manipulate your partner. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>If you think that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/manipulative-behaviour-are-you-guilty.htm\">manipulating<\/a> your partner using love languages is wise<\/strong>, ask yourself, what is this about? Do I even know how to be loved and love without manipulation?\u00a0 Who taught me that this is what love should be like? <\/span><span class=\"s1\">Is it time to seek some support, like a talk therapist?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Need help with your relationship? We offer individual counselling as well as couples therapy in central London with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">highly rated expert talk therapists<\/span><\/a>. Or use our booking platform to find<a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"> UK wide registered therapists<\/span><\/a> now.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Still have a question about the different love languages or want to share your story? Post below.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"104\" height=\"104\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 104px) 100vw, 104px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who often writes about relationships. Find her @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Sometimes feel like you and your partner or spouse speak different languages, or that it\u2019s just that hard to connect these days? While you might be&#8230;. different love languages, that is. What are \u2018love languages\u2019? The concept was created by American marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, when he began to notice [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":122987,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[393,322,4953],"class_list":["post-122986","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-romance","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Different Love Languages - Which One is Yours? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you aren&#039;t getting along with your partner, it might be as you give and receive love differently. 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