{"id":123155,"date":"2021-07-20T11:00:47","date_gmt":"2021-07-20T10:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=123155"},"modified":"2023-03-10T17:37:20","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T17:37:20","slug":"difference-of-opinion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-of-opinion.htm","title":{"rendered":"Difference of Opinion? How Not to Let It Ruin Your Friendships"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_123157\" style=\"width: 277px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-123157\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-123157\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brian-wangenheim-51JMn8zVS_I-unsplash-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"difference of opinion\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brian-wangenheim-51JMn8zVS_I-unsplash-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brian-wangenheim-51JMn8zVS_I-unsplash-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brian-wangenheim-51JMn8zVS_I-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-123157\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Brian Wangenheim<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We are living through difficult and uncertain times. And this can mean<\/strong> we are all more<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-be-less-sensitive.htm\"> sensitive<\/a> than usual. How can you make sure a difference of opinion doesn&#8217;t ruin the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-find-friends.htm\">friendships<\/a> you&#8217;ve spent years nurturing?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>How to have a difference of opinion and stay friends<\/h2>\n<p>It comes down to remembering what truly matters, and using the key elements of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">effective listening<\/a> and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/communication-problems.htm\"> communicating<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Focus on shared goals, not different ideas.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>A difference of opinion often hides a shared goal.<\/strong> For example, two friends are locked into an endless dispute about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-death.htm\">vaccination passports<\/a>. The shared goal is actually a society that works and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-of-fear.htm\"> feels safe<\/a>. It\u2019s just that while one friend worries about health safety, the other worries about safety from civil unrest. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Finding shared goals lead to openness and informed debate, whereas focussing on differences leads to closed mindedness and disputes.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Clarify your ideas. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>We think we know our viewpoint and what we are going to say, <\/strong>and then we start debating with a friend. And our viewpoint changes slightly, and then a bit more. Suddenly we are saying things we hadn&#8217;t thought through at all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Afterwards, particularly if the discussion became heated, <\/strong>we daren\u2019t admit that perhaps our viewpoint is not as extreme as we made it seem. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">We can even convince ourselves we now believe that more extreme take, when it was never what we originally felt at all. It\u2019s an easy way to drift further and further away from not just the friend, but ourselves. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">It can help to write down your ideas on paper. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Is this really what you believe? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Where did you actually learn these ideas?<br \/>\n<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Are they true, or based on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/assumptions-in-relationships.htm\">assumptions<\/a>? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What things might you need to do some research around?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Learn to see different perspectives. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong> Think of a statue of an elephant. The person standing looking at the trunk<\/strong> will never agree with what an elephant looks like if communicating with the person standing at the tail.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>It\u2019s only if they both walk around the statue and see the entire thing<\/strong> that they can both learn about the totality of the elephant, and start to come to any sort of agreement. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<div id=\"attachment_123159\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-123159\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-123159\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brad-neathery-XrSzacdYbtQ-unsplash-1-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"difference of opinion friends\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brad-neathery-XrSzacdYbtQ-unsplash-1-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brad-neathery-XrSzacdYbtQ-unsplash-1-500x374.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/brad-neathery-XrSzacdYbtQ-unsplash-1.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-123159\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Brad Neathery<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">Always take the time to &#8216;see the entire elephant&#8217;, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-perspective.htm\">all possible perspectives<\/a>, before dismissing other people.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Practise good listening. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Always carefully planning your next argument as the person speaks, <\/strong>and waiting to jump in? \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>When we half listen like this, we miss<\/strong> information that could be a window into understanding. And we barge forward even if we didn\u2019t actually fully understand what the other person said. [Learn <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">how to be a great listener here<\/a>].<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">&#8220;It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.&#8221; psychologist Carl Rogers, in his famous book <a href=\"https:\/\/www.google.fr\/books\/edition\/A_Way_of_Being\/x6_qDwAAQBAJ\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">a Way of Being<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Be honest if you don\u2019t understand.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span class=\"s1\"><strong>How many friendships and relationships could be saved if we<\/strong> reflected back each phrase before assuming and getting defensive? If we admitted we didn\u2019t get it, and asked for explanation? Before letting a small misunderstanding lead to a huge division?<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #666699;\">If you aren&#8217;t sure what the other person means, reflect back and ask for clarification. And if you don&#8217;t feel they understood you, let them know you aren&#8217;t sure you are explaining clearly, then ask for their version of what you said to double check.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Remember that it\u2019s okay to get it wrong or change your mind. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>Despite all our efforts, none of us are computers. We don\u2019t know everything.<\/strong> And sometimes we learn new things and need to change our mind.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Find admitting you were wrong really hard? Instead of<\/strong> getting <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/defensiveness-relationships.htm\">defensive<\/a> and pushing away your friend, take a time out to do some soul searching about yourself and own issues.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">When <a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/335312787_It_Wasn't_My_Fault_New_Study_Looks_At_Why_People_Hate_Admitting_Mistakes\">over 4,000 participants took a self-esteem test<\/a>, the results showed that those who hated to admit they had made a mistake suffered from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-handle-rejection.htm\">fear of rejection<\/a> and low confidence. 51% of those who hated to admit they were wrong, for example, reported secretly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feel-like-a-failure.htm\">feeling they were a failure in life<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #993366;\">7. Recognise if you are falling into black and white thinking. <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_123158\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-123158\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-123158\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/christina-wocintechchat-com-LQ1t-8Ms5PY-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"difference of opinion\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/christina-wocintechchat-com-LQ1t-8Ms5PY-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/christina-wocintechchat-com-LQ1t-8Ms5PY-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/christina-wocintechchat-com-LQ1t-8Ms5PY-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/christina-wocintechchat-com-LQ1t-8Ms5PY-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-123158\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Christina Wocintechchat<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>There are many sides to every story and situation.<\/strong> Life tends to be shades of grey, not black and white.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>If you are thinking there are only two solutions,<\/strong> then you have fallen into <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/black-and-white-thinking-stop-drama-addict.htm\">black and white thinking<\/a>.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What might you be missing here?<\/li>\n<li>What if both you and your friend are incorrect and there is another solution neither of you knows?<\/li>\n<li>In ten years time, will this situation really be as simplifed as you are now making it?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">When disagreeing means it&#8217;s time to let go<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Feel like with this certain person, all you have is conflict? It is of course possible<\/strong> to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/toxic-friends-what-to-do.htm\">outgrow friendships<\/a>. This is particularly the case if a friendship is not based on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-values-know-yours.htm\">shared values<\/a>, but on flimsier reasons, like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/is-dealing-with-difficult-colleagues-affecting-your-mental-wellbeing.htm\">working together<\/a>, going to the same school, liking the same music, or liking <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/binge-drinking.htm\">a night out on the town<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/values-and-beliefs.htm\">Personal values<\/a> are the rockbed of real friendships. They are the things that deeply matter to us when all else falls away, and regardless of the opinions of those around us. They look like valuing fairness, freedom, honesty, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/kindness-and-mental-health.htm\">kindness<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you and this other person, despite all <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-navigate-conflict.htm\">recent conflict<\/a>, share values? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In ten years, when this current situation is long in the past, would you regret not still being friends? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Is your current disagreement a difference of opinion, or a sign that this friendship has run its course? Is it time to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/go-with-the-flow.htm\">go with the flow<\/a> and move on?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Constantly fighting with those around you? Need help with relating? We connect you with highly regarded and expert <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">London talk therapists<\/a><\/span>. Or use our booking platform to find <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">registered therapists across the UK and affordable online talk therapists<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Still have a question about how to have a healthy difference of opinion? Post below.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"158\" height=\"159\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/a> is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher. With training in counselling and coaching, she has long been an advocate of communication skills and positive conflict. Find her @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy We are living through difficult and uncertain times. And this can mean we are all more sensitive than usual. How can you make sure a difference of opinion doesn&#8217;t ruin the friendships you&#8217;ve spent years nurturing?\u00a0 How to have a difference of opinion and stay friends It comes down to remembering [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":123157,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[431,4954],"class_list":["post-123155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-friendship","tag-relationship","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Difference of Opinion? How Not to Let It Ruin Your Friendships - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Fighting with a good friend over a difference of opinion? In these difficult times it pays to learn how to debate without destroying connections\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-of-opinion.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Difference of Opinion? How Not to Let It Ruin Your Friendships\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Fighting with a good friend over a difference of opinion? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy We are living through difficult and uncertain times. And this can mean we are all more sensitive than usual. 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