{"id":123292,"date":"2021-08-03T11:00:12","date_gmt":"2021-08-03T10:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=123292"},"modified":"2023-03-13T13:26:03","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T13:26:03","slug":"emotional-cheating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotional-cheating.htm","title":{"rendered":"Is it Emotional Cheating? And What Now?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-123293\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/joshua-rawson-harris-0A5Lyckmm8s-unsplash-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"emotional cheating\" width=\"301\" height=\"451\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/joshua-rawson-harris-0A5Lyckmm8s-unsplash-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/joshua-rawson-harris-0A5Lyckmm8s-unsplash-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/joshua-rawson-harris-0A5Lyckmm8s-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 301px) 100vw, 301px\" \/><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>You are getting very close to someone, and<\/strong> your partner finds out and is worried. Or they haven&#8217;t found out, but you are starting to wonder if you are crossing a line. Is it emotional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-people-cheat-on-partners.htm\">cheating<\/a>? And does it really even matter?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is emotional cheating?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Emotional cheating means you are developing an increasingly strong <\/strong>mental and emotional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">connection<\/a> with someone else, that is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-am-i-so-distracted.htm\">distracting<\/a> you from your main relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Although the connection isn&#8217;t physical, there will often be <\/strong>sexual tension and flirting, whether it is one way or shared. It\u2019s just that the attraction remains unspoken and unaddressed.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">The deciding factor <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">The main factor that shows you are emotionally cheating and it&#8217;s <\/span><\/strong><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/friendship-and-love.htm\">not just a friendship<\/a> is<\/span><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-honest-does-it-matter.htm\"><em>\u00a0secrecy<\/em><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong> Ask yourself the following questions:<\/strong> <\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Am I making efforts to hide this situation from my partner?<\/span><\/li>\n<li>If they do know about this other person, do I find myself downplaying or hiding things, or even directly lying about what really goes on?<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Would I be okay with my partner seeing my communications with this other person, or not?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">An emotional affair crosses the boundaries we have in place with a partner, and deep down we know this.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Additional signs of an emotional affair<\/h2>\n<p><strong>As well as secrecy, you might find that you:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>think about this other person more than your partner<\/li>\n<li>want to tell them first when something funny or exciting happens<\/li>\n<li>and have starting turning to them first when you are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/types-of-stress.htm\">stressed<\/a> or upset<\/li>\n<li>complain about your partner to them, unconsciously leading them to believe there is hope for you to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-single-and-mental-health.htm\">be single<\/a> in the future<\/li>\n<li>secretly compare your partner to them<\/li>\n<li>have a physical attraction you keep denying, or deep down know they are attracted to you.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Is it really emotional cheating?<\/span><\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_123308\" style=\"width: 277px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-123308\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-123308\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/gita-krishnamurti-jeqsI6WkA2Q-unsplash-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"emotional cheating\" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/gita-krishnamurti-jeqsI6WkA2Q-unsplash-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/gita-krishnamurti-jeqsI6WkA2Q-unsplash-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/gita-krishnamurti-jeqsI6WkA2Q-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-123308\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Gita Krishnamurti<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Wondering if it is or isn&#8217;t an emotional affair? Let&#8217;s take some examples.<\/p>\n<p>1.\u00a0<b>My partner has stopped talking to me and keeps going out with his group of friends instead.<\/b> <em>Just because a partner is pulling away and going out a lot doesn&#8217;t mean there is someone else involved. It does mean, however, that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-relationships-is-it-one.htm\">your relationship has issues<\/a> and you need to talk.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"s1\">2.<strong> My partner is very <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/jung-personality-types.htm\">extroverted<\/a> and friendly and is \u2018just friends\u2019 with many single people.<\/strong> <\/span><em><span class=\"s1\">If this is their personality, and they never hide their friendships, this is unlikely to signify emotional cheating.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">3.<strong> A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/is-dealing-with-difficult-colleagues-affecting-your-mental-wellbeing.htm\">colleague<\/a> is getting very close to my partner and my partner talks about them constantly, it\u2019s annoying.<\/strong> <em>If they are being open and honest, sounds like <\/em><em>a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-find-friends.htm\">friendship<\/a> or important work relationship.<\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n<p>4. <strong>My partner keeps dropping a mutual friend into conversation, insisting they don&#8217;t like them that much, or going into great detail about what they do together. <\/strong><em>If it&#8217;s out of character to go on so much, they might be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/manipulative-behaviour-are-you-guilty.htm\">feeling guilty<\/a> about something and overcompensating. Best to have an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/communication-skills-attract-love.htm\">honest, open conversation<\/a> over <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/assumptions-in-relationships.htm\">making assumptions<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">5. <strong>I\u2019ve just found out that my sister and my partner have been texting and meeting up behind my back, but she\u2019s my <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/adult-sibling-rivalry-stop.htm\">sibling<\/a> so it must be okay. <\/strong><em>Just because someone is family doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t an emotional affair. This sort of secrecy is often a sign something more is going on.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"s1\">6.<strong> My partner has accused me of emotional cheating because I\u2019ve been talking to a neighbour when he wasn\u2019t here. He\u2019s now banned me from doing so again.<\/strong>\u00a0<em>This doesn\u2019t sound like emotional cheating but psychological control. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">**If you aren\u2019t allowed to have friends or talk to people without \u2018permission\u2019 and are told who you can or can\u2019t talk to, it\u2019s a big red flag. <a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/coercive-control.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Read about coercive control<\/span><\/a>, and seek support.**\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Why does emotional infidelity matter?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Sometimes, emotional infidelity wakes us up to the fact that we<\/strong> want out of our principal relationship, and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\"> it&#8217;s time to move on<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But more often, it&#8217;s just a red flag that there are <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/common-issues-in-couples-therapy.htm\">relationship issues<\/a>\u00a0we need to deal with, before too much damage is done. If we are carrying out a secret emotional affair, it can:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>lower our interest in investing in our relationship and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-intimacy.htm\">diminish intimacy<\/a><\/li>\n<li>distract us from facing up to and dealing with our issues<\/li>\n<li>leave us increasingly guilty and in a bad mood or snapping at our partner or kids<\/li>\n<li>mean we stop trusting ourselves and by extension others<\/li>\n<li>eventually be a way to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-sabotage.htm\"> sabotage<\/a> a relationship we deep down want to be in.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Isn&#8217;t this just a thing women complain about?<\/h2>\n<p><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-medium wp-image-123313\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/honey-fangs-33iKv_A1E2s-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"emotional affair\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/honey-fangs-33iKv_A1E2s-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/honey-fangs-33iKv_A1E2s-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/honey-fangs-33iKv_A1E2s-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/honey-fangs-33iKv_A1E2s-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/strong>A\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/247781242_Sex_Differences_in_Jealousy_Evolution_Physiology_and_Psychology\">popular evolutionary psychology theory<\/a> states that men worry more about sexual cheating because of their primal need to be sure their progeny are theirs. Women stress about emotional cheating more, given that in cave times they needed men to provide resources, and emotional cheating lures a man away.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But we are no long in caveman times. And recent research <\/strong>shows that our cheating worries might be less about sex and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-gender-dysphoria.htm\">gender<\/a>\u00a0and more about age and experience.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">A <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.1177\/0146167204264012\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">set of studies<\/span><\/a> found that while in a student population, those who identify as female might be more upset with emotional cheating than males, when the sample was older, both men and women reported being more distressed by emotional infidelity, and in about equal numbers. Sexual infidelity led to anger, but emotional infidelity led to being hurt and upset.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What should I do if I suspect my partner of emotionally cheating?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Communication is key.<\/strong> But <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-communicate-stress.htm\">the right form of communication<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Approaching a conversation with anger and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\"> accusations<\/a> will just cause the other person to shut down and block you out. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s important to get out your heated emotions before any attempts at talking.<\/strong> You might want to try <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-use-a-self-help-journal.htm\">journalling<\/a>, talking it out with a trusted friend, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/meditation-and-the-brain.htm\">meditation<\/a>, or<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/exercise-and-depression-does-it-really-help.htm\"> a long run<\/a>, whatever works to help you feel calm. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Then remember the rules of effective conflict:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">be open to the fact that you might be wrong<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">listen with full focus and without interrupting<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">reflect back if you don\u2019t understand <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">start sentences with \u201cI feel\/ I think\u201d and NOT \u201cyou said\/did\u201d, which is blame language. So more, \u201cI felt this when you did that\u2026\u201d.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">See this as a moment to discuss and clarify the<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\"> boundaries<\/a> of your relationship. What things can you and can&#8217;t you accept? And can they and can&#8217;t they accept? What limits can you now agree on and put in place? <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>And if I\u2019m the one having an emotional affair?<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Again, there can be positives to take from an emotional affair. It can be the alert that we need to<\/strong> either wake up and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leave-unhappy-relationship.htm\"> leave a relationship<\/a>, or focus on and repair it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Often we seek attention elsewhere not as the relationship is bad or not what we want, but because it is what we want and we are just scared, or in a rut.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Realising you are emotionally cheating can mean taking a moment to ask yourself some good questions: <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What needs and wants has this relationship not provided?<br \/>\nHave I shared these needs and wants with my partner?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">And have I been taking note of their needs and wants, too? Or have I checked out lately?<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What is stopping me from sharing and communicating? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If this relationship could more effectively meet my needs and wants would I be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-happy-why-is-it-so-hard.htm\">happy<\/a>? <\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">In what way have I not being showing up for my partner in this relationship?<\/span><\/li>\n<li>Is this the right relationship format to me? If it&#8217;s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/open-relationships.htm\">an open relationship<\/a>, do I secretly want a closed one? Or vice versa?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Is this what could help?<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><em><span class=\"s1\">If talking to your partner shows that you do love each other, but are having some issues hearing and understanding each other?\u00a0 <\/span><\/em><\/strong><span class=\"s1\">Do consider<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/couples-therapy.htm\"> couples counselling<\/a>. A therapist doesn\u2019t take sides or tell you what to do. But they do help you communicate in healthy, constructive ways, fully see each other, and make the decisions that work for both of you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Time to deepen the commitment and intimacy in your relationship? We connect you to some of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">London&#8217;s best talk therapists<\/span> <\/a>and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-relationship-counselling.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">relationship counsellors<\/span><\/a>. Or <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">use our booking site now<\/span><\/a> to find UK-wide couples therapy or individual online counselling.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Want to share your experience or advice about emotional cheating? Post below.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"120\" height=\"121\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/a><\/strong> is the lead writer and editor of this site. After a successful career as a screenwriter, she studied counselling and coaching. She has since written thousands of popular mental health articles, and runs a consultancy helping people find the right therapy and therapist for them. Find her on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/am_darcy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@am_darcy<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy You are getting very close to someone, and your partner finds out and is worried. Or they haven&#8217;t found out, but you are starting to wonder if you are crossing a line. Is it emotional cheating? And does it really even matter? What is emotional cheating? Emotional cheating means you are [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":123293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[210,406,393,90],"class_list":["post-123292","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-affairs-counselling","tag-communication","tag-love","tag-relationship-issues","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Is it Emotional Cheating? And What Now? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is it emotional cheating, and does it really matter? What are the signs it&#039;s an &#039;emotional affair&#039; and what can you do next if it is?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotional-cheating.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Is it Emotional Cheating? And What Now?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Is it emotional cheating, and does it really matter? 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