{"id":123538,"date":"2021-08-24T11:00:56","date_gmt":"2021-08-24T10:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=123538"},"modified":"2026-09-11T11:19:00","modified_gmt":"2026-09-11T10:19:00","slug":"passivity-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/passivity-in-relationships.htm","title":{"rendered":"Passivity in Relationships- Is Being “Laid Back” Ruining Everything?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"passivity

photo by Tom Morel<\/p><\/div>\n

Opposites attract, right? In some ways,<\/strong> yes. A relationship can have one person who is more assertive than the other, and this can work.<\/p>\n

But too much passivity in relationships is another story.<\/em><\/p>\n

What is passivity in relationships?<\/h2>\n

Passivity means you do not exert yourself in your relationships<\/strong>, meaning you leave things to the other person. This can include decisions<\/a>, ideas and planning, as well as even things like topics of conversations.<\/span><\/p>\n

You do not take the lead but are the constant follower.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Note that it doesn’t have to mean anything about your sex life, which is a different matter. You can be very passive in all parts of your relationship but then have an equal sex life<\/a> or even prefer to be dominant in this one area.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why is passivity a big deal?<\/h2>\n

It blocks intimacy.<\/strong> If you are never stepping up to the plate in a relationship, you are never actually sharing who you are. You just mirror the other person. And that other person can’t connect with a you that is so hidden they aren’t sure what it is.<\/span><\/p>\n

And passivity can lead to a lot of resentment – on both sides.<\/span><\/p>\n

The resentment that builds in the other partner<\/h2>\n

No matter how kind and agreeable you might come across, the effect is the same: you’re leaving all the work of the relationship to the other person, even the emotional work. Practically, this often means one partner is the one who notices when something needs addressing, who initiates the difficult conversation, who checks in when the other seems off, who remembers the emotional history of the relationship and manages it. This is emotional labour\u00a0and it is real work.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

At first the other person may not even register what’s happening – they’re just being the “together” one, the one who handles things. But it rarely stays neutral. Doing this repeatedly, with no reciprocity, starts to feel less like a personality trait and more like a burden they didn’t sign up for. They begin to feel more like a manager or a parent than an equal partner. And underneath the caretaking, a question starts to form: why am I always the one doing this?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Bit by bit, their bitterness grows. It often shows up sideways rather than directly – a sharper tone, a sigh, a “don’t worry about it” that clearly means the opposite, a slow withdrawal of warmth. They may not even name it as resentment at first. They just feel tired, taken for granted and alone in the relationship despite being in it with someone.<\/span><\/p>\n

The resentment that builds in the passive partner<\/h2>\n

And then you can start to feel resentful, too.<\/strong> Passivity doesn’t remove you from the emotional equation – it just removes your voice from it. You still have preferences, needs, and reactions; you’ve just handed over the job of acting on them. So you want them to make decisions, but then feel resentful if it’s not what you really wanted. You didn’t say anything, but you’re annoyed they didn’t guess.<\/span><\/p>\n

This is one of the quieter costs of passivity<\/strong>: it sets both partners up to resent each other for a dynamic that neither of them is naming out loud. One resents carrying the load. The other resents not being consulted on a load they never picked up in the first place. Nobody feels heard, and nobody feels like the effort is being seen, because the effort and the avoidance of it, are both invisible.<\/span><\/p>\n

Left unaddressed, this pattern tends to compound. Resentment doesn’t stay quietly in the background; it erodes<\/strong> goodwill, shortens patience and makes both partners more likely to interpret each other’s behaviour in the worst possible light. What started as one partner simply not stepping up can end up looking, years later, like two people who have quietly stopped liking each other very much – without ever having a conversation about why.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what if I’m just a naturally laid-back person?<\/h2>\n
\"passivity

By: Elvert Barnes<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

When we accept things, we actually face them, which is a sort of action.<\/strong> Passivity in relationships means you tend to avoid things.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

We don’t sit with a crying or upset partner or friend, holding space for them or helping them find ways forward. We tend to back off, call it ‘giving them space<\/em>‘, and hope they get over it. At which point we’ll show up again, pretending things are fine and the conflict never happened. Sound familiar?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Signs you are too passive in relationships<\/h2>\n

You don’t need to have all of the signs below to have an issue with being too passive in friendships, relationships, and with family. But if a few of the below sound a bit too familiar, it’s worth seeking some support<\/a> over how you relate.<\/p>\n

1. You mumble or don\u2019t finish sentences.<\/span><\/h4>\n

You have a tendency to trail off mid-response when asked a question. Perhaps you aren’t really sure of your opinion, or it feels too much effort to think it through and explain. The other person can finish the conversation for you.<\/span><\/p>\n

2. You tend to say, \u2018whatever you think\u2019.<\/span><\/h4>\n

This is a way to deflect having to make choices or be responsible for anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

3. You are anxious if the other person isn\u2019t happy.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Passivity can be rooted in codependency. This means your modus operandi is to please others<\/a>, and this is how you form an identity, instead of sourcing it from within.<\/p>\n

\"passivity

photo by Shingi Rice<\/p><\/div>\n

4. You take on the habits and interests of the other person.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Part of codependency<\/a> can be that you mould yourself to the other person. Your hobbies, interests, and even things like the way you dress change depending on who you are dating.<\/p>\n

5. You rarely if ever say no.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Saying no<\/a> requires taking a stand, and taking responsibility for that stand. If you suffer from passivity, this would feel overwhelming. It’s just easier to do what others want. Of course sometimes you feel resentful, but you find ways to distract yourself<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

You might also sometimes feel like things are moving too fast. Not saying no means not setting boundaries, so you end up going wherever the other person leads.<\/em><\/p>\n

6. You get your friends or even parents to decide for you.<\/span><\/h4>\n

If a partner refuses to decide something for you but insists you make the call, you still don’t stand up and do so. Instead, you call friends<\/a> or family<\/a> and do what they tell you to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

A clear sign your problem with passivity arises from the ways you were parented<\/a> is if you still, as an adult, turn to your Mum or Dad for answers to life’s issues. Or never dare do things they don’t approve of.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

7. You leave the other person to do what they want.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

Sounds nice, right? You don’t interfere, isn’t that a good thing?<\/strong> Not really, if it’s also an excuse to not take interest.<\/p>\n

Research clearly shows that healthy relationships need displays of support.<\/p>\n

A study<\/span><\/a> gave participants ten minutes to do a tutorial on digital photography, during which they received texts they thought were from their partners in another room. The participants who received texts showing interest, support, and validation for their experience (active response) rated their relationships as better than the participants who just received texts that didn’t really comment on what they were attempting to do (passive response).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

8. If the other person is upset, you just lay low for awhile or offer platitudes.<\/span><\/h4>\n

How do you deal with conflict? Do you face it head on and discuss things? Or is the truth more that you tend to withdraw and hope that it all passes? Or apply platitudes like \u2018it will be fine, stop stressing<\/em>\u2019 to avoid having to actually be involved?<\/p>\n

A clear sign there is a problem here is if the other person constantly tells you that you are avoiding them and it\u2019s upsetting.<\/em><\/p>\n

9. The other person is constantly frustrated.\u00a0<\/span><\/h4>\n

Do the people around you get frustrated with you sometimes, only for you to brush it off by calling them ‘uptight’? Do friends say you can be hard to pin down or rely on? Has a romantic partner ever told you they feel like they’re parenting you? <\/span><\/p>\n

These can all be signs you are being too passive in your relationships.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

10. If you are honest with yourself, you like the idea of being \u2018saved\u2019 by someone.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Ask yourself, “What would it feel like if someone came along and just saved the day, fixing my life for me?” If you feel a rush or relief at this thought, then you might have the ‘Cinderella complex<\/a>‘. You are secretly looking for a saviour, even if you consciously know that the only person who can fix your messy life is you.<\/span><\/p>\n

This overlap with codependency<\/a> and the Cinderella complex often points to an anxious attachment style<\/a>, where your sense of security depends on staying agreeable and avoiding conflict, rather than trusting that a relationship can hold your needs too.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I just like being the passive one in a relationship and it is working<\/h2>\n

Sometimes, one person is fairly passive in the relationship, but somehow a relationship works and is healthy<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

If this is the case, then you will not have issues with passivity elsewhere in your life, and your partner will be at ease with you.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Not sure this is you? Ask the following questions:<\/strong><\/p>\n