{"id":123867,"date":"2021-08-31T11:00:27","date_gmt":"2021-08-31T10:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=123867"},"modified":"2023-03-13T13:21:08","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T13:21:08","slug":"overlooked-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/overlooked-again.htm","title":{"rendered":"Overlooked Again? Why You Aren’t Chosen and What to Do Next"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"overlookedby Andrea M. Darcy<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Feel like nobody notices you at work or in social situations? Why are you always overlooked, and what can you do about it?<\/span><\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t I make an impact? <\/span><\/h2>\n

So why is it that we the sort who just never gets picked for things, or seems to make any sort of impact? See if the following case studies resonate. <\/span><\/p>\n

Case study #1: “I do all the right things, why am I not chosen?”<\/span><\/h3>\n

Wear all the right clothes, listen to all the right music, went to the right school? Put a ton of effort into being what you deem acceptable and yet\u2026 still get overlooked? <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

While it\u2019s true that in today\u2019s society a first impression can include the way we<\/strong> look and our background, this wears off quite quickly. And then people clock our personality<\/a> and authenticity<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

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And sometimes, we are a bit low on personality, or deep down aren\u2019t sure of who we are. People actually sense it and lose interest.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

How do we become this perfect yet slightly empty person? Perhaps we were<\/strong> taught to fit in over stand out, that was our family\u2019s value system. And we never realised we could be our own person. Perhaps we grew up having to please the adults around us to get the love and attention we needed. We weren’t encouraged to be an individual.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Case study #2: “I go out of my way to make everyone happy, then they overlook me.”<\/span><\/h3>\n

There can be two things going on here. The first is that constantly<\/strong> pleasing others<\/a> is actually a form of manipulation<\/a>, even if it is well intentioned. <\/span><\/p>\n

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You have attached conditions to your pleasing. In return you want to be recognised, approved of, and liked. This is a deal, not real benevolence. People pleasing tends to make others uncomfortable because it’s inauthentic. They back off. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The second is that you are a shape shifter. We get so used to pleasing others we don\u2019t see how we change<\/strong> the way we act with different people we know. Perhaps we are the type who also moulds ourselves to our social group or partner, changing clothes and hobbies to suit. We get overlooked because we are actually a mirage. People sense they can\u2019t rely on us to be solid so look elsewhere. <\/span><\/p>\n

Case study #3: \u201cI am talkative, original, interesting! Why don\u2019t I get picked?”<\/span><\/h3>\n
\"Overlooked

By: Danielle Moler<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

You are mistaking your exterior presentation for who you really are.<\/strong> And assuming<\/strong> everyone falls for it. <\/span><\/p>\n

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But if all that chatter, humour, and interesting style is hiding low self-esteem,<\/a> neediness, or anger<\/a>? Others will clock it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

And sometimes all that talking and style can again hide a lack of identity.<\/strong>\u00a0 People can\u2019t connect to what they can\u2019t pin down, and instead they can be wary and stand back.<\/span><\/p>\n

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While you might amuse people, or be \u2018good fun\u2019, most people don\u2019t want an entertainment system. They want someone who is authentic<\/a>, confident<\/a>, and reliable. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Case study #4: “I know I am overlooked as I don\u2019t speak up, but I just can\u2019t bring myself to.”<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sometimes we know who we are, and we have lots to share, but we are afraid.<\/strong> This fear is often a fear of rejection<\/a>. Somewhere along the line, often in childhood, we\u2019ve learned that if we speak up we\u2019ll pay a price for it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Case study #5: “I try so hard to be liked but always end up upsetting people instead.”<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sometimes the issue is not that we lack confidence or an identity. It’s that we are one of the rare people who<\/strong> simply think in a totally different way.<\/p>\n

The way we see ourselves, others, and the world is just not the same as the ‘norm’, and hasn’t been since we became an adult. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This can be referred to as having a<\/strong> ‘personality disorder<\/a>‘. It’s a horrible sounding word, and it would be better called a ‘personality difference’. Or it might be that you are on the autism spectrum<\/a>.<\/p>\n

What matters here is that you need help to learn how<\/strong> other people think and understand how they act. Then to understand how the ways you think and act come across. These are all skills you can develop. You can learn how to communicate so that people can understand and appreciate you<\/a>.<\/p>\n

How can I stop being overlooked? <\/span><\/h2>\n

You\u2019ll notice some common themes in the above case studies.\u00a0 These are<\/strong> identity<\/a>, authenticity, and confidence<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

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And they are the true keys to stop being overlooked and start being seen. Not to learn false confidence, or how to trick people into noticing you. Such tactics might work briefly, then leave you more overlooked than ever. Again, nobody likes feeling manipulated.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

So try these things instead.<\/p>\n

1. Develop your sense of self and identity. <\/span><\/h3>\n

\"stopOur identity is who we are outside of our <\/strong>job title, family, social circle, and hobbies. If everything fell away, who is left standing?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

To recognise who we are we need to <\/strong>learn to listen to our thoughts and feelings<\/a>. Not what we think we \u2018should\u2019 think and feel, but actually what we do think and feel. Then we need to learn what makes us feel alive, and what really doesn\u2019t. Great tools here are: <\/span><\/p>\n