{"id":125589,"date":"2022-07-12T11:00:13","date_gmt":"2022-07-12T10:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=125589"},"modified":"2023-03-05T19:57:56","modified_gmt":"2023-03-05T19:57:56","slug":"kids-and-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/kids-and-emotions.htm","title":{"rendered":"Kids and Emotions &#8211; What&#8217;s Normal and How Can You Help?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"How to Deal with Toddler Tantrums and Big Emotions in Kids - Harley Therapy\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/rh6qpdgamZo?feature=oembed&#038;enablejsapi=1&#038;origin=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_125838\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-125838\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-125838\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-39369-400x297.jpg\" alt=\"kids and emotions\" width=\"400\" height=\"297\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-39369-400x297.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-39369-500x372.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-39369.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-125838\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Pixabay for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Liz Szalai<\/span><\/p>\n<p>As babies grow up, their ability to express emotions develops, never made more clear than by the so-called &#8216;terrible twos&#8217;. When it comes to kids and emotions, how can you as a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-parents-are-you-one.htm\">parent<\/a> best help? And what is normal emotional development for each age range?<\/p>\n<h2>Kids and emotions &#8211; why it matters<\/h2>\n<p><strong>&#8220;Social-emotional learning&#8221;\u00a0 (SEL) is the process <\/strong>through which, as explained by <a href=\"https:\/\/safesupportivelearning.ed.gov\/hot-topics\/social-emotional-learning\">America&#8217;s National Centre on Safe Supportive Learning Environments<\/a>, children&#8211;<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">&#8220;&#8230;acquire the knowledge, attitudes, and skills they need to recognise and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotional-self-regulation.htm\">manage their emotions<\/a>, feel and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sympathy-and-empathy.htm\">show empathy<\/a> toward others, establish positive relationships, and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-take-a-decision.htm\"> make responsible decisions<\/a>.&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>SEL is fundamental to a child\u2019s physical and mental health,<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stress-management-for-students.htm\">academic achievement<\/a>, and ethical development. \u00a0It helps your children grow up to become a confident, skilled, and healthy adult.<\/p>\n<h2>Babies and emotions<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Despite once held beliefs that babies didn&#8217;t have emotions yet,\u00a0<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/depts.washington.edu\/isei\/iyc\/sullivan_16_2.pdf\">modern research <\/a>shows that babies display various emotions from infancy. It found that babies<span class=\"s1\"> express their enjoyment from as little as six weeks with a smile, and enjoy social situations starting around 16 weeks. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">Babies were also found to have a specific facial expression in reaction to physical pain (e.g. receiving vaccines) and a very defined face for disgust when they taste something they don\u2019t like.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-125839 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"emotions and kids\" width=\"381\" height=\"254\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-1536x1024.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-2048x1365.jpg 2048w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-pixabay-236164-600x400.jpg 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 381px) 100vw, 381px\" \/>Of course at this age it&#8217;s not the baby who must<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotional-regulation-skills.htm\"> regulate their emotions<\/a>, but the parents. As parents we must regulate our own behaviours and emotions to ensure our child feels safe and loved.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>From baby to toddler<\/h2>\n<p><strong>As babies grow into toddlers, not only do their vocabulary and independence<\/strong> increase, but also the intensity of their emotions. They can now define some emotions, and verbalise them.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">This doesn\u2019t mean that they can regulate them or that they should be expected to. Toddlers sometimes experience extreme intensity of emotions without the neurological readiness to control them. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Tantrums and meltdowns are actually an important part of their development. <\/strong>They are not something toddlers should be punished for, however hard it might feel to handle them as parents.<\/p>\n<h2>How your emotions affect your young child<\/h2>\n<p>There\u2019s a biological factor with temperament, <strong>but the coping skills children learn from us will be the <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/good-coping-skills.htm\">coping skills<\/a> they start with.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #666699;\">A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0163638314200051\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">study on marital conflict<\/span><\/a> found that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/couple-fighting-healthy.htm\">marital conflict<\/a> was found to have a direct effect on an infant or toddler\u2019s emotions. It also has an indirect effect. If<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/parental-stress.htm\"> parents are distressed<\/a>, their response to their child\u2019s behaviour is influenced by their personal conflict. Toddlers expressed more <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-emotions.htm\">negative emotions<\/a> or became more withdrawn.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>The study emphasised the importance of looking after your relationship,<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/communication-problems.htm\">using appropriate communication<\/a> and, if necessary, seeking intervention.<\/p>\n<p><strong>This doesn\u2019t mean we can never lose our cool in front of the kids<\/strong>, which is unrealistic. But it is important what patterns we show them about resolving conflicts with our partner or family members.<\/p>\n<h2>Responsive parenting &#8211; is it the answer?<\/h2>\n<p><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-125840 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-nappy-1068205-300x400.jpg\" alt=\"kids and emotions\" width=\"265\" height=\"353\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-nappy-1068205-300x400.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-nappy-1068205-450x600.jpg 450w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-nappy-1068205.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 265px) 100vw, 265px\" \/>By responsive parenting, scientists mean the parents create a warm and <\/strong>supportive, nurturing environment.\u00a0 They consistently respond to the child\u2019s signals from infancy, creating a firm foundation for development.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">A<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a style=\"color: #993366; text-decoration: underline;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/6981589_Responsive_Parenting_Establishing_Early_Foundations_for_Social_Communication_and_Independent_Problem-Solving_Skills\"> study<\/a><\/span> looked at social, communication and independent problem-solving skills in infants. It found that babies whose mothers displayed responsive behaviour showed increased social-emotional and cognitive skills. They also found that infants growing up in a responsive environment respond to adversity better, such as to dealing with new situations.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>How to help when it comes to kids and emotions<\/h2>\n<p>So how can you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/children-and-stress.htm\">help your kids with emotional outbursts<\/a> and temper tantrums?<\/p>\n<h3>1. Be calm and present.<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylives.org.uk\/advice\/early-years-development\/behaviour\/understanding-and-dealing-with-tantrums\">According to UK charity Family Lives<\/a>, staying calm during your child&#8217;s tantrum is the key to deal with it. Your calm presence will help them to get their balance back, and speaking quietly and slowly can help your toddler to handle their emotions.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Find this a constant challenge? Self-reflection and looking out for the triggers that make us lose our temper<\/strong> can be helpful. Hunger, overstimulation, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\">tiredness<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/types-of-stress.htm\">stress<\/a> from other sources can make dealing with tantrums and staying calm harder. If you feel overwhelmed, note that Family Lives also <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylives.org.uk\/how-we-can-help\/confidential-helpline\">offers a free helpline<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Accept and validate feelings.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Always accept and validate the feeling (not the behaviour).<\/strong> Helping to name the emotion your child feels can help them in developing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-emotional-dsyregulation.htm\">emotion regulation<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><em>&#8220;I can see you feel angry because you didn\u2019t get to play with the car right away&#8221; is helpful. &#8220;Stop having a temper tantrum&#8221;, or &#8220;Stop being <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/can-you-be-selfish-and-still-be-a-good-person.htm\">selfish<\/a>&#8220;, less so.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<h3>3. Draw boundaries to behaviour.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Accepting emotions doesn\u2019t mean you cannot draw<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\">boundaries<\/a> to the behaviour. &#8220;I see you feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-types-of-anger.htm\">angry<\/a>, but it is not acceptable to then hit your sister.&#8221;<\/p>\n<h3>4. Do not label and generalise.<\/h3>\n<p>Don\u2019t label them and generalise the situation, focus on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/present-moment-secret-better-mood.htm\">the present<\/a>. So, &#8220;Why can you never just share toys with your sister&#8221; labels a child as always selfish. &#8220;I can see you are finding it difficult for to share today&#8221; is about right now, but allows change for the future.<\/p>\n<h3>5. Reason with them when they are calm.<\/h3>\n<p>Imagine the tantrum as a tornado. You cannot do anything else but try to reassure them, and make sure everyone is safe. When the storm is gone, in a calm moment, you can reason with them.<\/p>\n<p>It of course matters that you are calm, too, as the parent.<\/p>\n<h2>What about when my children get older?<\/h2>\n<p>When children reach around seven years of age, or for some eight, they have greater knowledge of identifying their emotions and controlling them. Responsive parenting methods still work well. But with bigger kids, we can talk more about emotions, including our own, which can help with finding solutions.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Overwhelmed with parenting? Or worry your kid has behavioural or emotional issues and needs support? We connect you to a team of some of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/child-psychologist-london.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK&#8217;s best child therapists<\/span><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/family-therapist-london.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">family therapists<\/span><\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/parents-therapy-london.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">parenting counsellors<\/span><\/a>. Or use our sister site to find <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK-wide registered therapists<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #800080;\"> who can help.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/hu.linkedin.com\/in\/liz-szalai\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-124027 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2021-09-21-at-13.57.13-294x400.png\" alt=\"Liz Szalai\" width=\"188\" height=\"256\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2021-09-21-at-13.57.13-294x400.png 294w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2021-09-21-at-13.57.13.png 374w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 188px) 100vw, 188px\" \/>Liz Szalai<\/a> is a freelance writer and mum with a Master\u2019s degree in psychology. She worked with children and young people for more than 15 years, including teaching students with learning difficulties. See more about her at <a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lizszalaiwriter\">@lizszalaiwriter<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Liz Szalai As babies grow up, their ability to express emotions develops, never made more clear than by the so-called &#8216;terrible twos&#8217;. When it comes to kids and emotions, how can you as a parent best help? And what is normal emotional development for each age range? Kids and emotions &#8211; why it matters [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":125838,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[296],"tags":[318,115],"class_list":["post-125589","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","tag-children","tag-parenting","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Kids and Emotions - What&#039;s Normal and How Can You Help? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Kids and emotions can feel a minefield. Are we a bad parent if we react? 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