{"id":125660,"date":"2022-06-07T11:00:42","date_gmt":"2022-06-07T10:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=125660"},"modified":"2023-03-13T11:56:19","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T11:56:19","slug":"giving-compliments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/giving-compliments.htm","title":{"rendered":"Giving Compliments &#8211; Guilty of Overdoing It?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_125661\" style=\"width: 291px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-125661\" class=\" wp-image-125661\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-eva-elijas-5941506-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"giving compliments\" width=\"281\" height=\"422\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-eva-elijas-5941506-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-eva-elijas-5941506-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-eva-elijas-5941506-600x900.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-eva-elijas-5941506.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 281px) 100vw, 281px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-125661\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Eva Elijas for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Has giving compliments become a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/low-moods-habits.htm\">habit<\/a> for you that you don\u2019t question?<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 Always dishing them out to your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-parents-are-you-one.htm\">children<\/a>, your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mature-relationships.htm\">partner<\/a>, your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/friendship-and-love.htm\">friends<\/a>? <\/span>Endless praise isn&#8217;t always a good thing.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Why do we give compliments? <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s natural<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0<\/span>to give a compliment when something has really<\/strong> impressed us. A meal was fantastic at a restaurant so we send compliments to the chef, or a friend achieves a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-set-goals-that-work.htm\">life goal<\/a> and we are proud of them.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">But sometimes the truth is we give compliments for other, less salubrious reasons. Whether we admit it or not, we have figured out that compliments can sometimes get us what we want. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Giving compliments can help us to:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/codependency-symptoms-modern-times.htm\"><span class=\"s1\">win approval <\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\"><span class=\"s1\">keep others happy<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-at-dealing-with-conflict.htm\"><span class=\"s1\">avoid conflict<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">get the other person to give us a compliment in return<\/span><\/li>\n<li>turn the attention away from ourselves<\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">hide our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm\">true thoughts and feelings<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">or push the other person to behave the way we want them to.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Does praising for praise\u2019s sake work?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>Even if your compliment giving doesn&#8217;t hide ulterior motives, it&#8217;s worth<\/strong> trouble shooting how often you are dishing it out.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">A <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.3102\/00346543051001005\">seminal study on praise in classrooms<\/a> was carried out back in the 1980s by educational psychologist Jere Brophy. <\/span><span class=\"s1\">He noted that teachers who endlessly praised were often doing it in an automatic, reactionary way, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/assumptions-in-relationships.htm\">assuming<\/a> its effectiveness.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_125663\" style=\"width: 384px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-125663\" class=\"wp-image-125663\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"giving praise\" width=\"374\" height=\"249\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460-600x400.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-thirdman-7659460.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 374px) 100vw, 374px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-125663\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo by Thirdman for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">And most teachers were found to be resorting to \u2018global\u2019 praise, praise that was unspecific to the person, such as \u2018good work\u2019 or \u2018a job well done\u2019. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>While this sort of praise was shown to create a<\/strong> general, feel good environment, it didn&#8217;t take the individual student into account.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>And it was found to be otherwise ineffective, <\/strong>not helping students learn or change behaviours.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Turns out that well thought out praise, praise done well over often, matters. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2 class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">The power of contingent praise <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Which brings us to &#8216;contingent praise&#8217;, the opposite of<\/strong> global praise. This is where we <\/span><span class=\"s1\">are concise with what we are complimenting. So instead of saying, \u201cthanks for your hard work\u201d, we say, \u201cthanks for calling all those people for me\u201d. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Contingent praise is generally more effective. <\/strong><\/span><span class=\"s1\"><strong>But even here, we need to be aware of our intention.<\/strong> Educational consultant Gill Robins, in her book, \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.routledge.com\/Praise-Motivation-and-the-Child\/Robins\/p\/book\/9780415681742\">Praise, Motivation, and the Child<\/a>\u201d red flags the endless use of this sort of praise in classrooms, where it is often a targeted approach for children with behavioural difficulties. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>She points out that it can cause a<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/raise-independent-children.htm\">dependency<\/a>, where the student relies on the praise to feel good about themselves, and can also leave the recipient <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/controlling-behaviours-actually-guilty.htm\">feeling controlled<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Of course we are adults in the real world, not the classroom. But <\/strong>the same can apply. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">If we are deep down giving compliments to try to influence the other&#8217;s behaviour, they can feel controlled and become needy for our praise, neither of which is healthy.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h2>Avoiding the real issue?<\/h2>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-125662 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"giving compliments\" width=\"385\" height=\"256\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash-600x400.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/yann-jacobsen-r6s7zKY68ww-unsplash.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 385px) 100vw, 385px\" \/><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Robins also points out that\u00a0 if we are using praise to control behaviours, we are not actually dealing with the root issue of why the behaviour exists in the first place. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">Addressing the core issue\u00a0 is more effective than endless <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/manipulative-behaviour-are-you-guilty.htm\">manipulation<\/a> in the form of flattery.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">What are your intentions?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p4\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">So as well as remembering the golden rule of \u201cpraise well over praise often\u201d, it\u2019s important to truly consider our intentions.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What is behind my need to compliment this other person?<\/li>\n<li>Do I have an agenda? Or do I actually just want to share my appreciation?<\/li>\n<li>Do I feel like I have to compliment them, or do I really want to?<\/li>\n<li>Is what I am saying truly what I feel, or what I think I <em>should<\/em> feel?<\/li>\n<li>Do I actually want them to like me? Or compliment me back?<\/li>\n<li>Am I trying to hide my own negative feelings and seem fun?<\/li>\n<li>Or offering a compliment to keep them behaving in a certain way?<\/li>\n<li>Am I using praise in a general way to keep the peace, or do I care enough to make it specific?<\/li>\n<li>Is there a need for an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-communicate-stress.htm\">honest conversation<\/a> here over yet another compliment?<\/li>\n<li>Is there a secret fear driving my endless compliments I need to address?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>What giving compliments too much can mean<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>So in the end, our compliment giving can be far more about ourselves<\/strong> than the other person. It can also be hiding a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-mental-health.htm\">mental health<\/a> issue we need to deal with. This can include: <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">1. Control issues. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If we are using compliments to make others do what we want, this can be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/coercive-control.htm\">control<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">2. Codependency. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">This means we rely on others liking us to feel we have value. If your compliments are to please, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">codependency<\/a> could be the issue. <\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">3. Intimacy issues.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Use compliments to hide your bad moods, to turn the tables onto the other, to seem what you really aren&#8217;t thinking or feeling? Then you might have a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/get-closer-intimacy-issues.htm\">fear of others seeing the real you<\/a>. This can include<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/the-private-hell-of-rejection-why-does-it-keep-happening-to-you.htm\"> fear of rejection<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>4. Personality disorders.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>If compliments are part of your arsenal for controlling others, and you also do so to avoid<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-handle-rejection.htm\">being rejected<\/a>, because being rejected makes you feel crazy? Or use compliments to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/push-pull-relationship.htm\"> pull someone back after pushing them away<\/a>? Then it might be worth learning about<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder.htm\"> borderline personality disorder (BPD)<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Does complimenting others amuse you? To see how they respond, how much more<\/strong> they then like and revere you? Does it deep down feel like a game to you? It&#8217;s possible you have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-a-narcissist.htm\">narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">Have a friend or partner who never gives compliments?<br \/>\n<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Endlessly giving compliments as you are deep down waiting for<\/strong> a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/friendship-and-love.htm\">friend or partner to<\/a> praise you in return? It can help to understand why they might not be in the habit. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>For some people, compliment giving causes<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/talk-to-a-doctor-about-anxiety.htm\">anxiety<\/a>, or confuses them. A\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0146167220949003\"> set of studies<\/a> found that people have a tendency to underestimate how positive the person receiving their compliment would feel, instead overestimating that their compliment might make the other person uncomfortable. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Also note that we all have different ways of showing our esteem and affection for another<\/strong>, or different \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/different-love-languages.htm\">love languages<\/a>\u2019. Sometimes a friendly conversation about what your love languages are, what makes you feel seen and appreciated, can be very helpful.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Struggle to stop trying to manipulate in relationships? Therapy can help. We connect you with one of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/relationship-counselling-london.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">London&#8217;s most highly regarded teams of talk therapists<\/span><\/a> working min central locations. Not in London? Use <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\">our sister site<\/a><\/span> to find UK-wide and online therapists ranked by client feedback.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"107\" height=\"108\" \/><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><strong>Andrea M. Darcy<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0is a mental health and wellbeing expert and writer. She also runs a consultancy helping people find their perfect therapy and therapist. She&#8217;s meditated for over twenty years and it&#8217;s the most life-changing tool she&#8217;s found! Follow her on Instagram for useful life tips @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Has giving compliments become a habit for you that you don\u2019t question?\u00a0 Always dishing them out to your children, your partner, your friends? Endless praise isn&#8217;t always a good thing. Why do we give compliments? It\u2019s natural\u00a0to give a compliment when something has really impressed us. A meal was fantastic at [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":125661,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,298],"tags":[115,4779,90,453],"class_list":["post-125660","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-work-life","tag-parenting","tag-relating-issues","tag-relationship-issues","tag-workplace-wellbeing","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Giving Compliments - Guilty of Overdoing It? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Endlessly giving compliments to your kids, partner, friends, and colleagues? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Has giving compliments become a habit for you that you don\u2019t question?\u00a0 Always dishing them out to your children, your partner, your friends? Endless praise isn&#8217;t always a good thing. Why do we give compliments? It\u2019s natural\u00a0to give a compliment when something has really impressed us. A meal was fantastic at&hellip;","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125660","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=125660"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125660\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":138148,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125660\/revisions\/138148"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/125661"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=125660"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=125660"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=125660"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}