{"id":125764,"date":"2022-07-05T11:00:31","date_gmt":"2022-07-05T10:00:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=125764"},"modified":"2023-03-13T12:32:25","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T12:32:25","slug":"love-vs-limerence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/love-vs-limerence.htm","title":{"rendered":"Love vs Limerence &#8211; How to Know if Your Latest Crush is Healthy"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_125767\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-125767\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-125767\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-ron-lach-10260860-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"what is limerence\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-ron-lach-10260860-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-ron-lach-10260860-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-ron-lach-10260860-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-ron-lach-10260860.jpg 567w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-125767\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo by Ron Lach for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Head over heels for someone? Sure that your entire life will change, if only that person realises you would be perfect together? Time to learn about love vs limerence.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">What is limerence?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Limerence is a term used to describe<\/strong> an <em>obsessive, uncontrollable feeling of adoration for someone else, alongside a deep need for that person to notice us and like us back.\u00a0<\/em>But they generally don&#8217;t, and so our obsession grows.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who first coined the term back in the 1970s, <\/strong>felt that sexual attraction was an essential part of limerence. Her take on limerence maintained a certain openness, even suggesting it could sometimes lead to a relationship or marriage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>But <a href=\"https:\/\/digitalcommons.sacredheart.edu\/cgi\/viewcontent.cgi?article=1134&amp;context=psych_fac\">modern research on limerence<\/a> places it as<strong> a decidedly &#8220;negative, problematic, and impairing&#8221; emotional and cognitive state.<\/strong> It is now not seen as needing to include sexual attraction, but can also be used to describe things like being <span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-find-friends.htm\">obsessed with wanting someone to be our friend.<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<h2>The three stages<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Limerence can be seen as arriving in three stages. First is<\/strong> &#8216;infatuation&#8217;, where we are overtaken by our own desire for the other person. Next comes &#8216;crystallisation&#8217;, where we allow this infatuation to exaggerate the person&#8217;s good points in our mind, while entirely downplaying their flaws, convincing ourselves they are everything we need. Finally is &#8216;deterioration&#8217;, where the rose-coloured glasses fall off and we <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bitterness.htm\">feel bitter<\/a> or conned.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Symptoms of limerence<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">If you are in a state of limerence, you\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><strong><span class=\"s1\">can expect to:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">see the other person as ideal and put them on a pedestal<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">overlook their flaws entirely, along with any red flags about them, or explain away any faults others force you to see\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-are-intrusive-thoughts.htm\">intrusive thoughts<\/a> about the other person (thoughts that come randomly that you can\u2019t control)<\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">endlessly think about them to the point of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/daily-distractions-be-concerned.htm\">distraction <\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">experience a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-mania.htm\">euphoric high<\/a> thinking about them, or if they give you the slightest attention<\/span><\/li>\n<li>make a lot of those tidbits of attention, reading into it what isn&#8217;t actually there<\/li>\n<li>almost feel a physical &#8216;need&#8217; to be with them<\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">and if you think you have no chance or they don\u2019t like you, crash into feelings of despair and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/myths-about-grief-and-loss.htm\">loss<\/a><\/span><\/li>\n<li class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/setting-expectations.htm\">unrealistic expectations<\/a> of the other, such as believing that they will save you from yourself and change your entire life.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>The highs and lows of limerence can lead to mental health issues<\/strong> such as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/anxiety-therapy.htm\">anxiety<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-and-relationships.htm\">depression<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/rumination-anxiety.htm\">rumination<\/a>, and a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm\">disrupted sense of self<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Limerence vs lust<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Lust, too, can see us thinking<\/strong> about another person often. But with lust there is a sexual focus. Limerence means we are obsessed with<em> all<\/em> of the person, and see them as perfect.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Lust is not all consuming like limerence. We can decide to stop thinking about the other person, or easily be distracted by someone else we find equally attractive.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-125768 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-mikotoraw-photographer-3367850-1-400x308.jpg\" alt=\"limerence vs love\" width=\"400\" height=\"308\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-mikotoraw-photographer-3367850-1-400x308.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-mikotoraw-photographer-3367850-1-500x385.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-mikotoraw-photographer-3367850-1.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><strong>With limerence, on the other hand,<\/strong>\u00a0we can\u2019t stop thinking about the other person. And there is not any competition as in our mind this person is the ideal.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Limerence vs love addiction <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><b>There is a lot of crossover <\/b>between limerence and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addicted-to-love.htm\">love addiction<\/a>.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">The main difference here is that limerence is an intense focus on one person. Whereas when we suffer from love addiction, we can quickly move our obsession and need for attention from one person to the next. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Although romance addiction, a sibling of love addiction, is<\/strong>\u00a0almost identical<\/span><span class=\"s1\"> to limerence, often also involving an intense obsession with one person.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Limerence vs anxious attachment <\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Thinking it&#8217;s not limerence as you <em>always<\/em> get a bit panicky and needy <\/strong>when you like someone? Feel afraid of losing them, but then stressed when you see them?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-anxious-attachment-style.htm\">Anxious attachment<\/a> <strong>comes from our childhood. It means our<\/strong> main caregiver was inconsistent. We were never sure when the next round of love and care was coming, or if we\u2019d instead be met by indifference. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Anxious attachment doesn&#8217;t involve the obsession that limerence does, and yet the two can be closely linked.\u00a0 <\/strong>This is because limerence is connected \u00a0to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">attachment issues<\/a> as a child, as well as<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-remember-childhood-trauma-abuse.htm\"> childhood trauma<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Is it really limerence? Why it might not matter<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Is it limerence? Love addiction? Anxious attachment? Or just lust? <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">The truth is that labels like these come in and out of style across the internet and the psychological community. And the danger to obsessing over which one is or isn&#8217;t your unique problem is that you can talk yourself out of thinking you have a problem at all, if you don\u2019t exactly match what you are reading. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>These terms are not illnesses we can see under a microscope, or even scientific concepts.<\/strong>\u00a0 Tennov herself, who again coined the term limerence, emphasised that her \u2018research\u2019 only consisted of people\u2019s verbal reporting on themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><strong><span class=\"s1\">Lust, limerence, love addiction\u2026. The thing to make clear here is they are all different words to really describe the same thing &#8212; unhealthy relating patterns. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">If you are trying to justify your behaviours and emotional states in relationships? It is because there is a problem. On a certain level you are aware that you lack positive relating skills or are not making choices for your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mental-wellbeing.htm\">better wellbeing.<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s time to slow down and listen to that sneaky feeling<\/strong> that you are going the wrong direction, regardless of what exact label you can fit it all under. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Love vs limerence &#8211; the most important difference of all?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>One of the things we oddly tend <em>not<\/em> to do if we are endlessly obsessed with<\/strong> trying to diagnose our relationships? Is take the time to learn <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm\">what love really is<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Love is not like the movies or a romance book<\/strong>. It is not magical, it doesn\u2019t fall out of the sky and save you. Instead it is about feeling safe to be yourself and grow together with someone else. It requires commitment, work, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-conflict-still-fighting.htm\">healthy conflict<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Sound an alien or boring concept you want none of? Then, yes, it\u2019s likely you are<\/strong> addicted to the highs and lows of<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship.htm\"> unhealthy relating<\/a> and it\u2019s time to get support, whether that is self-help, or the support of a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-between-psychotherapy-and-counselling.htm\">counsellor or psychotherapist<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Time to stop letting unhealthy relating rule and ruin your life? We connect you with some of <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/relationship-counselling-london.htm\">London&#8217;s top relationship therapists<\/a><\/span>. Or use our sister site to find <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">UK-wide registered therapists who can help you with dating<\/span> <\/a>and love.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"147\" height=\"148\" \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/a><\/strong> is a mental health and wellbeing expert and writer trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She has penned hundreds of popular articles about relationships. Follow her on Instagram for helpful life tips @ am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Head over heels for someone? Sure that your entire life will change, if only that person realises you would be perfect together? Time to learn about love vs limerence.\u00a0 What is limerence? Limerence is a term used to describe an obsessive, uncontrollable feeling of adoration for someone else, alongside a deep [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":125767,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[393,390,4779,90],"class_list":["post-125764","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-love","tag-love-addiction","tag-relating-issues","tag-relationship-issues","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Love vs Limerence - How to Know if Your Latest Crush is Healthy - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Love vs limerence - do you know the difference? 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Head over heels for someone? Sure that your entire life will change, if only that person realises you would be perfect together? Time to learn about love vs limerence.\u00a0 What is limerence? Limerence is a term used to describe an obsessive, uncontrollable feeling of adoration for someone else, alongside a deep&hellip;","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125764","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=125764"}],"version-history":[{"count":32,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125764\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":138152,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125764\/revisions\/138152"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/125767"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=125764"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=125764"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=125764"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}