{"id":136032,"date":"2022-11-22T11:00:54","date_gmt":"2022-11-22T11:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=136032"},"modified":"2023-05-19T14:02:45","modified_gmt":"2023-05-19T13:02:45","slug":"flakey-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/flakey-friends.htm","title":{"rendered":"Flaky Friends &#8211; How to Deal (and What to do if You&#8217;re the Flake)"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_136035\" style=\"width: 253px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-136035\" class=\" wp-image-136035\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-liza-summer-6382482-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"flaky friends\" width=\"243\" height=\"364\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-liza-summer-6382482-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-liza-summer-6382482-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-liza-summer-6382482.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 243px) 100vw, 243px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-136035\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Liza Summer for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">by Victoria Stokes <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Do you have flaky friends? Not sure if things can improve and how much you should (or shouldn&#8217;t) put up with?<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Are they a flaky friend?<\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>You\u2019ve been looking forward to brunch with your best friend for<\/strong> ages, they readily agreed to it, and you\u2019ve been exchanging &#8220;Can\u2019t wait to catch up!&#8221; texts for weeks. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Then just as you are about to leave and meet them,<\/strong> their message comes through. \u201cSorry, can\u2019t make it today. Another time perhaps?\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Life often gets in the way of our plans. But with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/toxic-friends-what-to-do.htm\">flaky friends<\/a>, they are either always bailing, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/need-more-time.htm\">always late<\/a>, or even doesn&#8217;t show up and sends an excuse after the fact.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Left unchecked, it can all put a strain on your relationships. But before you fire off<\/strong> a confrontational response, it\u2019s a good idea to look at where flaky behaviour comes from, and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-cope-life-is-crazy.htm\"> learn healthy ways to cope<\/a> if you\u2019re on the receiving end.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What causes flaky behaviour?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Most of us have experienced the overwhelm of overcommitting<\/strong>. If flaking is a new occurrence for someone, it&#8217;s possible your friend really does have too much on. W<\/span><span class=\"s1\">hen we\u2019re<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/quiz-stressed-or-depressed\"> stressed<\/a> we can have a whole host of physical and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-mental-health.htm\">mental health<\/a> problems to contend with, from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/foggy-brain.htm\">foggy brain<\/a> to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/disorganised.htm\">unorganised thinking<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #800080;\">So, ask yourself, has your flaky friend experienced a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-hate-change-management.htm\">big life change<\/a> recently, or are they going through something really stressful?\u00a0 Like a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/manage-anger-after-breakup.htm\">breakup<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/money-stress.htm\">financial issues<\/a>, or a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wrong-career-path.htm\">change to their career<\/a>? Maybe they\u2019ve <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/myths-about-grief-and-loss.htm\">experienced a loss<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/anticipatory-grief-covid19.htm\">grief<\/a> is making it difficult for them to stay on top of their commitments. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>It\u2019s also possible they\u2019re going through hormonal changes.<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stress-in-pregnancy-care-info.htm\">Pregnancy<\/a>, recently giving birth (&#8216;mum brain&#8217;), and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/menopause-and-mental-health.htm\"> going through the menopause<\/a> can contribute to difficulties in staying organised. Menopause is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nia.nih.gov\/news\/research-explores-impact-menopause-womens-health-and-aging#brain\">shown by research<\/a> to even affect memory recall.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Is your friend a people pleaser?<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_136036\" style=\"width: 378px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-136036\" class=\" wp-image-136036\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3778569-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"flakey friend\" width=\"368\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3778569-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3778569-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3778569-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-andrea-piacquadio-3778569.jpg 709w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 368px) 100vw, 368px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-136036\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">photo by Andrea Piacquadio for Pexels<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Your friend might have a very bad case of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/people-pleaser-meaning.htm\">people pleasing<\/a>, a.k.a., <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/codependency-symptoms-modern-times.htm\">codependency<\/a>. Look at their other relationships. Do they tend to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-say-no-more-effectively.htm\">say yes to things they don&#8217;t want to do<\/a>? Are they always concerned with what people think and if people are happy with them?<\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Flakey behaviour and mental health<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Aside from codependency, what other mental health issues might be driving your friend to be such a letdown?<\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>One of the most common reasons people have time and organisation issues is<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/adhd-in-women.htm\">attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)<\/a>. A recent <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC6556068\/\"><span class=\"s2\">research review<\/span><\/a><\/span><span class=\"s1\">\u00a0suggests that people with ADHD have an abnormal perception of time, a characteristic that could cause them to be late, or not show up at all. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Or your friend might be an<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/exposure-therapy-for-anxiety.htm\">anxiety sufferer<\/a>. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/agoraphobia-and-social-anxiety.htm\">Social anxiety<\/a> in particular may cause people to isolate themselves and flake on plans if they suddenly<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack.htm\"> feel panicked<\/a> at the thought of socialising.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Cancelling plans can also be a<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-symptoms.htm\">sign of depression<\/a>. When we are depressed simple things like getting ready and going out can feel insurmountable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Poor social choices can also be a characteristic of some<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/a-personality-disorder-diagnosis-helpful-or-a-trap.htm\">personality disorders<\/a>. One example is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/avoidant-personality-disorder.htm\">avoidant personality disorder<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">How to deal with flaky friends<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><em>When your friend is on form, you love being around them. So you want to stay friends, but you need things to improve. What is the best approach?<\/em><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">1. Cultivate <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-focused-therapy.htm\">compassion<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Again, it is important to note if your friend might be<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/general-adaptation-syndrome.htm\"> under a lot of stress<\/a> they haven&#8217;t been sharing, or have a mental health issue. This isn&#8217;t about letting people walk all over you, it&#8217;s about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-honest-does-it-matter.htm\">being honest<\/a> about whether this is a new habit for them and there might be a valid reason.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">And if it turns out that you realise you might have been a bit<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-be-more-patient.htm\"> too demanding<\/a> and uncompromising, it pays to have<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-compassion.htm\"> self-compassion<\/a>, too. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">2. Have a conversation.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">It\u2019s okay to ask your friend if there\u2019s something wrong, or to gently point out that they\u2019ve cancelled plans a lot recently. Remember not to use <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\">blame language<\/a> and to have the conversation from a calm space. This is also a chance to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\">discuss boundaries<\/a>, both yours and theirs, over future cancellations.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">3. Look at the bigger picture. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Again, if we are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/always-complaining.htm\">always complaining<\/a> about others, sometimes it&#8217;s that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/high-expectations.htm\">our own expectations are unrealistic<\/a>. Look at what the friendship does provide otherwise. Maybe your friend hasn\u2019t shown up for lunch the past few months, but can you rely on them when you need it most? Is there a healthy give and take in your relationship? Can they be counted on for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/reaching-out-support.htm\">support<\/a>?<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">4. Make sure your boundaries are clear.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p5\"><span class=\"s1\">Are too accepting? Do people see you as a pushover, so they have no problems cancelling on you at the last minute? Are you even guilty of using such phrases as,\u00a0<\/span><span class=\"s1\">&#8220;Come only if you really want too&#8221;, then blaming then if they cancel? Make it very clear to others how much notice you need for a cancellation and how long you will wait if someone is late.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"p2\">5. Let go of flaky friends if it&#8217;s truly time.<\/h3>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">Just like your friend can decide to cancel, you too also have a choice. If you find your friend\u2019s flakiness is putting too much of a strain on you? You can decide to end the friendship, or put some distance between you until the matter is resolved.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">What if you\u2019re the flaky friend?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>Maybe you\u2019re reading all of this and you\u2019ve realised that you\u2019re the flaky friend.<\/strong> This behaviour isn\u2019t something to be afraid of. Rather it can be used as a tool for self-enquiry. This can mean some <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-use-a-self-help-journal.htm\">journalling<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mindfulness-techniques.htm\">mindfulness meditation<\/a>, or it might be taking the leap and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/talk-to-a-therapist.htm\">working with a therapist<\/a>. Therapy is a wonderful tool for learning <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-show-respect.htm\">how to relate in healthy, helpful ways,<\/a> and how to cultivate<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-find-friends.htm\"> friendships we feel safe in and inspired by<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Time to seek support and improve your relationships? We connect you with a team of some of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/relationship-counselling-london.htm\">London&#8217;s most highly rated relationship therapists<\/a> who can help. Or try our sister site to find <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\">UK-wide registered therapists ranked by user feedback<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p8\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-124090 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/victoria-stokes.jpeg\" alt=\"Victoria Stokes writer\" width=\"95\" height=\"95\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/victoria-stokes.jpeg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/victoria-stokes-150x150.jpeg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/victoria-stokes-200x200.jpeg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/victoria-stokes-50x50.jpeg 50w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 95px) 100vw, 95px\" \/><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/writtenbyvictoriastokes.com\/#about\" rel=\"nofollow\">Victoria Stokes<\/a> is a former Deputy Editor turned freelance writer specialising in mental health and wellbeing.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Victoria Stokes Do you have flaky friends? Not sure if things can improve and how much you should (or shouldn&#8217;t) put up with? Are they a flaky friend? You\u2019ve been looking forward to brunch with your best friend for ages, they readily agreed to it, and you\u2019ve been exchanging &#8220;Can\u2019t wait to catch up!&#8221; [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":136035,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-136032","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Flaky Friends - How to Deal (and What to do if You&#039;re the Flake) - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you have flaky friends? Or are you one yourself? 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