{"id":140307,"date":"2026-04-22T14:37:15","date_gmt":"2026-04-22T13:37:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=140307"},"modified":"2026-04-22T14:44:13","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T13:44:13","slug":"i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you-is-it-a-dead-end-or-a-level-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you-is-it-a-dead-end-or-a-level-up.htm","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;I Love You, But I\u2019m Not In Love With You&#8221;: Is It a Dead End or a Level Up?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/jX--ZCG9v-U\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">\ufeff<\/span><br \/>\n<\/iframe><\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"7\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/stefan-walters.htm\"><b class=\"\" data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">By Stefan Walters<\/b> &#8211; <i class=\"\" data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"18\">Systemic Marriage &amp; Family Therapist<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"6\">Is there a phrase more devastating to hear from a partner than, <i data-path-to-node=\"6\" data-index-in-node=\"64\">&#8220;I love you, but I\u2019m not in love with you&#8221;<\/i>?<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"7\">It is a uniquely painful experience. It\u2019s that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when it seems your partner has suddenly stopped instigating sex, no longer seeks that &#8220;spark,&#8221; or has shifted their emotional priorities entirely toward work, friendships or hobbies.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"8\">As a systemic therapist, I see couples in this exact scenario every week. They have built a life together, perhaps they have children, a home and a deep attachment, but the &#8220;charge&#8221; has vanished.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"9\">However, before we assume this is the end of the road, we need to look at what is actually happening beneath the surface of the relationship.<\/p>\n<h2 data-path-to-node=\"10\">Understanding the Energy of Love: Cathexis<\/h2>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"11\">In psychoanalysis, we use a specific word to describe how we invest our emotions: <b data-path-to-node=\"11\" data-index-in-node=\"82\">Cathexis<\/b>.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"12\">Cathexis is the investment of psychic or emotional energy into something or someone. Think of it like getting &#8220;hooked&#8221; on a new TV show or a project. When you first meet someone, you experience a high level of cathexis. You are excited, invested and the &#8220;<strong>honeymoon phase<\/strong>&#8221; <strong>carries you through big life milestones<\/strong>; moving in, getting married, having children.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"13\">But this level of high-intensity energy is often unsustainable long-term. Eventually, we might experience:<\/p>\n<ul data-path-to-node=\"14\">\n<li>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\"><b data-path-to-node=\"14,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">Acathexis:<\/b> A numbing of that energy. It isn\u2019t &#8220;hate&#8221;; it\u2019s just a lack of emotional current.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\"><b data-path-to-node=\"14,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">Decathexis:<\/b> The opposite of cathexis, where energy is actively pulled away, sometimes leading to feelings of &#8220;the ick&#8221; or contempt.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2 data-path-to-node=\"15\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-140309\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"honeymoon phase\" width=\"342\" height=\"228\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-500x333.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-1536x1024.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-2048x1365.jpg 2048w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-18156127-18156127-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 342px) 100vw, 342px\" \/>The Myth of the Permanent Honeymoon<\/h2>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"16\">In other areas of life, we accept that energy ebbs and flows. If a friend says, <i data-path-to-node=\"16\" data-index-in-node=\"80\">&#8220;I&#8217;m taking a break from my favorite hobby because I&#8217;m busy,&#8221;<\/i> we don&#8217;t blink. But <strong>in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations<\/strong>. We expect to sustain that &#8220;magical&#8221; honeymoon phase forever.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"17\">The truth? That excitement usually has a natural shelf life, often cited as the &#8220;<strong>seven-year itch.<\/strong>&#8221; When that initial spark fades, it isn&#8217;t necessarily a sign of failure; it\u2019s an invitation to &#8220;level up&#8221; the relationship.<\/p>\n<h2 data-path-to-node=\"18\">Why We Go Numb: The Trauma Connection<\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-140311 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"A couple experiencing tension and introspection indoors with a bright window.\" width=\"178\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-400x600.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-768x1152.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-1365x2048.jpg 1365w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/pexels-photo-3692885-3692885-scaled.jpg 1707w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 178px) 100vw, 178px\" \/><\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"19\">As a certified brainspotting therapist, I often see a direct link bet<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"19\">ween <b data-path-to-node=\"19\" data-index-in-node=\"74\">relational ruptures and trauma.<\/b> The human nervous system always wants to keep us within our &#8220;window of tolerance&#8221; to maintain homeostasis. If you are going through a period of high stress, anxiety or bereavement, your nervous system may enter a state of <b data-path-to-node=\"19\" data-index-in-node=\"329\">dissociation<\/b> to protect you from being overwhelmed.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"20\">The problem is that <b data-path-to-node=\"20\" data-index-in-node=\"20\">we cannot selectively numb.<\/b> If you shut down your pain or stress, you accidentally shut down your capacity for joy, passion and lust.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"21\">In these cases, a partner saying they aren&#8217;t &#8220;in love&#8221; isn&#8217;t a reflection of the relationship\u2019s quality, it\u2019s a <strong>reflection of their nervous system being &#8220;offline.&#8221;<\/strong> They aren&#8217;t able to connect with <i data-path-to-node=\"21\" data-index-in-node=\"196\">any<\/i> emotional energy, let alone romantic energy.<\/p>\n<h2 data-path-to-node=\"22\">The &#8220;Newness&#8221; Trap<\/h2>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"23\">When a relationship feels numb, there is a <strong>dangerous temptation to seek out someone new<\/strong>. Why? Because a new connection offers &#8220;the thrill of the new&#8221; without the risk of vulnerability. There\u2019s no history, no work and no emotional risk.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"24\">This is often how <strong>infidelity enters the picture<\/strong>. It\u2019s rarely about the other person; it\u2019s an attempt to feel &#8220;alive&#8221; again after a period of emotional acathexis.<\/p>\n<h2 data-path-to-node=\"25\">Can We Rebuild?<\/h2>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"26\">The good news is that this phase can actually be a positive turning point. It is an opportunity to recognise that <b data-path-to-node=\"26\" data-index-in-node=\"114\">love is a verb.<\/b> Reclaiming the spark requires:<\/p>\n<ol start=\"1\" data-path-to-node=\"27\">\n<li>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"27,0,0\"><b data-path-to-node=\"27,0,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">Radical Communication:<\/b> Acknowledging the numbness without immediately jumping to separation.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"27,1,0\"><b data-path-to-node=\"27,1,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">Compatibility in Growth:<\/b> Making sure that as you both change as individuals, you are intentionally reconnecting rather than turning away.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"27,2,0\"><b data-path-to-node=\"27,2,0\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">Seeing Each Other Anew:<\/b> In therapy, we work on moving past the &#8220;roommate&#8221; dynamic to see the partner as a multifaceted person again.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"28\">Whether this journey leads to a stronger, &#8220;leveled-up&#8221; partnership or a healthy, conscious separation, making sense of the &#8220;loss of spark&#8221; is the first step toward resolution.<\/p>\n<hr data-path-to-node=\"29\" \/>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"30\"><i data-path-to-node=\"30\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">If you\u2019re feeling the weight of a &#8220;numb&#8221; relationship, you don&#8217;t have to navigate it alone. <a class=\"ng-star-inserted\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Contact Harley Therapy<\/a> to connect with a specialist who can help you and your partner find your way back or forward.<\/i><\/p>\n<h3 data-path-to-node=\"2\"><b data-path-to-node=\"2\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">About the Author<\/b><\/h3>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"3\"><b data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"0\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-140308 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Stefan-Walters-Expert-Speaker.png\" alt=\"Stefan Walters couples therapist\" width=\"170\" height=\"183\" \/>Stefan Walters<\/b> is a systemic marriage and family therapist at Harley Therapy with over 19 years of experience in the UK and USA. A specialist in relational issues and attachment, Stefan is also a certified <b data-path-to-node=\"3\" data-index-in-node=\"206\">Brainspotting practitioner<\/b>, using neuro-biological techniques to help clients process trauma and nervous system &#8220;numbness.&#8221; With a background in the high-pressure music industry and the NHS, he brings a grounded, expert perspective to couples navigating life\u2019s transitions.<\/p>\n<p data-path-to-node=\"4\"><i data-path-to-node=\"4\" data-index-in-node=\"0\">To book a session with Stefan, <a class=\"ng-star-inserted\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/stefan-walters.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">click here<\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\ufeff\ufeff\ufeff\ufeff\ufeff By Stefan Walters &#8211; Systemic Marriage &amp; Family Therapist Is there a phrase more devastating to hear from a partner than, &#8220;I love you, but I\u2019m not in love with you&#8221;? It is a uniquely painful experience. It\u2019s that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when it seems your partner has suddenly [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":140311,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"no","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,5312],"tags":[396,5323,5325,5324],"class_list":["post-140307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-help","tag-breakup","tag-ilybnilwy","tag-is-it-time-to-break-up","tag-not-in-love","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>&quot;I Love You, But I\u2019m Not In Love With You&quot;: Is It a Dead End or a Level Up? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is your relationship feeling numb? 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