{"id":14270,"date":"2016-03-15T11:00:11","date_gmt":"2016-03-15T11:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=14270"},"modified":"2023-03-10T18:18:34","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T18:18:34","slug":"controlling-behaviours-actually-guilty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/controlling-behaviours-actually-guilty.htm","title":{"rendered":"Controlling Behaviour – Are You Guiltier Than You Realise?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By: Jennifer Peyton<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Control is actually about power. And so many of us grow up not being taught to embrace personal power in healthy ways, or communicate our needs and wants, we end up adults who<\/strong> resort to underhanded forms of control instead.<\/p>\n

Some forms of controlling behaviour are quite obvious.<\/strong> There is the \u2018control freak\u2019, obsessively tidying their house. Or the much darker kind of controlling person, belittling their partner, not letting them see family and friends, and using veiled threats.<\/p>\n

7 Hidden Forms of Control You Might Be Using With Others<\/span><\/h2>\n

But there are many other kinds of psychological control which, although less obvious, can be just as difficult on those around you. What do these look like?<\/p>\n

1. Control Through Little Punishments.<\/h3>\n

The person you are dating cancels a cinema night at the last minute and you pretend it’s ok. But the next time they ask you to the cinema you tell them you’ve decided they are not reliable enough to make the cinema so it will have to be coffee dates only. <\/em><\/p>\n

This is controlling by punishment. It can also look like little vindictive acts of revenge.<\/strong> With time the other person becomes scared to upset you so is at the mercy of what you want.<\/p>\n

Sound like you?<\/strong> Learn to set personal boundaries<\/a><\/span> \u2013 being able to honestly let people know what behaviour is and isn\u2019t acceptable to you. With boundaries in place there is no need to punish others.<\/p>\n

2. Control Through Drama.<\/h3>\n
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By: Juliana Dacoregio<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

Your friend meets you to talk about something she is worried about, but somehow by the end of the evening you are talking and crying about your similar, but in your eyes bigger problem, and she is giving you advice.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is controlling by drama \u2013 it means you can control conversations, control who gets attention, and control things if others are boring you<\/strong>. Drama can leave others walking on eggshells around you so they don’t set you off.<\/p>\n

Sound like you? Learn about black and white thinking<\/a><\/span>. It\u2019s a form of negative thinking<\/a><\/span> that might be controlling your way of seeing life more than you think.<\/p>\n

3. Control Through Weakness and Need.<\/h3>\n

Your teenage son wants to go away for the weekend but, recently divorced, you are feeling lonely and wish he wouldn\u2019t. You tell him you need him to help you paint the spare room, and remind him how much better he is at such things than you. When he hints he would rather not, you tell him you \u2018really need him this weekend\u2019.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is controlling by weakness. It involves refusing to try to stand in your own power and thus pushing others to have to do things for you they don’t want to do.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sound like you? Read our guide to self-esteem<\/a><\/span> and learn how to raise yours.<\/p>\n

4. Control Through Guilt.<\/h3>\n

\"controllingYour sister wants to have the yearly family reunion at a restaurant you hate. You agree to it. But for the next few months you find many ways to mention how much better it would have been if you all went to the place you suggested, or blame everything that went wrong that night on the location.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is controlling by guilt \u2013 making people feel so awful that next time they do what you want.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sound like you? Learn how to communicate<\/a><\/span>. By letting people know what you really want or don\u2019t want, needs can be negotiated, leaving no need for passive aggressive<\/a><\/span> agendas to make others feel bad.<\/p>\n

5. Control Through Manipulation.<\/h3>\n

Your colleague at work has been quite full of himself since a recent presentation went well, and it\u2019s annoying you. So you casually make small critical comments over the course of a week. When you remind him how disorganised he is and he protests you interrupt him and swiftly switch the conversation to the recent set of promotions he was looked over on, until a look of doubt fills his face.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is controlling through manipulation. It looks like:<\/p>\n