{"id":14448,"date":"2016-04-12T11:00:34","date_gmt":"2016-04-12T10:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=14448"},"modified":"2022-06-17T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-06-17T11:00:00","slug":"leave-unhappy-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leave-unhappy-relationship.htm","title":{"rendered":"Unhappy Relationship? Why You Can&#8217;t Leave When You Know You Should"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_14455\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3319172615_3ab8d1950b.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-14455\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14455\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14455\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3319172615_3ab8d1950b-400x253.jpg\" alt=\"unhappy relationship\" width=\"400\" height=\"253\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3319172615_3ab8d1950b-400x253.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3319172615_3ab8d1950b.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14455\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/fpat\/3319172615\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">fPat Murray<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In an unhappy relationship? But can&#8217;t seem to just get up and leave? And is this a pattern in your life, where you choose <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/signs-of-an-unhealthy-relationship.htm\">difficult partnerships<\/a> then stick them out?<\/p>\n<h2>What makes me stay in an unhappy relationship?<\/h2>\n<p>Nobody consciously decides to be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/being-happy-why-is-it-so-hard.htm\">unhappy<\/a>. But unconsciously there can be a different story playing out.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333399;\">1. The staying power of low self-esteem.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>We might deep down have<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/examples-of-core-beliefs.htm\">unconscious beliefs<\/a> that we simply aren&#8217;t worthy of good things, or are flawed.\u00a0Our thoughts can sound\u00a0like:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cbut this might be the best I can do\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cnobody else will ever love me so I should stay\u201d<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I shouldn&#8217;t be too picky&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI\u2019m too old to be single\u201d.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Even \u201cI can\u2019t financially afford to leave this relationship\u201d can be <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-compassion.htm\">low self-esteem<\/a> in disguise, showing a lack of belief in your own skills and creativity.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">In fact <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/low-self-worth.htm\">low self-worth<\/a> can be why we attract certain partners in the first place. We unconsciously advertise our low self-esteem, such as making jokes putting ourselves down, agreeing with everything someone says, jumping into bed with them too quickly, or having defeated body language. These signals attract those who belittle and control others, or who want someone <a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">self-sacrificing<\/a> to take care of them.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333399;\">2. Addictive anxiety.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_14456\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-14456\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14456\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14456\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-400x400.jpg\" alt=\"unhappy relationships\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-400x400.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-50x50.jpg 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/19820460384_3281bf9734-20x20.jpg 20w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14456\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/tofu_mugwump\/19820460384\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Topher McCulloch<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>It might sound illogical. Surely<\/strong> if a partner made you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/menopause-anxiety.htm\">anxious<\/a>, you\u2019d leave?<\/p>\n<p>Not necessarily. For starters, <strong>if you grew up in a home environment that left you anxious, <\/strong>with unstable parents, this might be what feels normal or even like &#8216;home&#8217; and &#8216;love&#8217; to you.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">You might think love has to be &#8216;exciting&#8217;, not realising that the buzzy high you feel is anxiety from picking unreliable or unsafe partners.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Anxiety triggers our\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fight-or-flight-response.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">&#8216;fight or flight&#8217; mode<\/a><\/span>. which releases chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into our body. And the buzzy feeling we are left with can be quite addictive. If we try to leave our partner, and suddenly our brain no longer feels in danger, we can crash, feeling low and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-am-bored-lockdown-covid.htm\">bored<\/a>. And convince ourselves to stay in the bad relationship to feel &#8216;high&#8217; again.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333399;\">3. Anxious attachment.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-anxious-attachment-style.htm\">Anxious attachment<\/a> means we deeply<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-intimacy.htm\"> long for intimacy<\/a> and closeness. But the more we try for it, the more we get anxious. And the more anxious we get, the more we can hold on or even get clingy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Why would this happen? According to<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">attachment theory<\/a>, it&#8217;s because our main caregiver was unreliable. They only gave us love and positive affection or made us feel safe part of the time. Perhaps we had to &#8216;earn&#8217; this love by being a &#8216;good&#8217; and &#8216;obedient&#8217; child, always living on eggshells so we&#8217;d be approved of. And we carry this nervousness and vigilance around love into adulthood.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333399;\">4. Fear of abandonment and BPD.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>If we are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-abandonment.htm\">afraid of being abandoned<\/a>, we can end up in a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/push-pull-relationship.htm\">&#8216;push pull&#8217; pattern<\/a>. Our fear leads us to be so vigilant that we misread the other person and push them away first to avoid pain. When we realise they weren&#8217;t actually abandoning us, we panic and do everything to &#8216;pull&#8217; them back.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">The highs and lows of this pattern quickly become highly dramatic, addictive, and all consuming. We feel like we can&#8217;t live without the other person, even if we aren&#8217;t even sure anymore we love them at all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>This pattern, of drama and volatility <\/strong>in a relationship, driven by fear of abandonment, is part of having\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> borderline personality disorder (BPD).<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333399;\">5. Trauma bonding.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm\">Trauma bonding<\/a> means we get hooked on a cycle of abuse followed by compensation, such as a partner that hits us then buys us flowers and says they love us. Our brain essentially becomes addicted to waiting for that little positive moment.<\/p>\n<p>If we had <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">trauma in our childhood<\/a>, our brain can already be predisposed to this addictive way of bonding, meaning we are more likely to choose an abusive partner.<\/p>\n<h2>Why am I the type of person who stays in an unhappy relationship?<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_14457\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3515814324_9e39fe1e46.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-14457\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14457\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14457\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3515814324_9e39fe1e46-300x400.jpg\" alt=\"unhappy relationship\" width=\"300\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3515814324_9e39fe1e46-300x400.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3515814324_9e39fe1e46.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14457\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: assymonkey<\/p><\/div>\n<p><em>Again, it tends to be because of your experiences and learnings as a child.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>It might be that you learned by example <\/strong>to choose difficult relationships. If you watched a parent stay in a bad relationship, it\u2019s more likely that you will, too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Or it can be down to not getting consistent <\/strong>love, safety, and attention and having an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-attachment-disorder.htm\">attachment issue<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Childhood trauma<\/span><\/a> is also a common cause of difficulties <\/strong>with relationships as an adult.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And if your childhood trauma was <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-remember-childhood-trauma-abuse.htm\">abuse<\/a>, it\u2019s likely you have a hidden <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/core-beliefs-cbt.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">core belief<\/span> <\/a>that you are unlovable so stick out relationships where you feel hated. In fact experiencing <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/sexual-abuse-help-guide.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">sexual abuse<\/a><\/span> as a child is a common symptom of those with<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder.htm\"> borderline personality disorder<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>Do I need support to change my pattern of staying in bad relationships?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>If our relationship choices as an adult are connected to traumatic experiences as a child, <\/strong>it can be hard to change them through mere willpower. If there was <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm\">abuse in your past<\/a>, processing<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-are-repressed-emotions.htm\"> repressed memories<\/a> and emotions can be overwhelming. Also note that if you do think you have borderline personality disorder, it doesn&#8217;t just go away.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You can make progress yourself with research and<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bibliotherapy-read-yourself-better.htm\">self-help books<\/a>.\u00a0 But the help of a <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/therapists\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">counsellor or psychotherapist<\/span> <\/a>makes the process of learning to choose happy and healthy relationships faster, and more likely to last, then attempting it alone. It also teaches you entirely new ways of relating so you don&#8217;t choose a similar unhealthy relationship in the future.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Need help with BPD or relating issues? We connect you with some of <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/relationship-counselling-london.htm\">London&#8217;s most highly regarded talk therapists<\/a>.<\/span> Or visit our sister site <span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">harleytherapy.com<\/a> <\/span>to book a session with a UK-wide registered counsellor now.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"100\" height=\"101\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer and editor of this site, and has written over two thousand popular articles on wellbeing and mental health. Find her at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/am_darcy\/\">@am_darcy<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy In an unhappy relationship? But can&#8217;t seem to just get up and leave? And is this a pattern in your life, where you choose difficult partnerships then stick them out? What makes me stay in an unhappy relationship? Nobody consciously decides to be unhappy. But unconsciously there can be a different [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":14455,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[379],"class_list":["post-14448","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Can&#039;t leave an unhappy relationship?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why is it that you can&#039;t leave an unhappy relationship when you know you should? 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There are 3 main causes and it all links back to childhood.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leave-unhappy-relationship.htm","og_locale":"en_GB","og_type":"article","og_title":"Unhappy Relationship? Why You Can't Leave When You Know You Should","og_description":"Why is it that you can't leave an unhappy relationship when you know you should? 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