{"id":14651,"date":"2016-07-12T11:00:01","date_gmt":"2016-07-12T10:00:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=14651"},"modified":"2023-03-10T19:07:24","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T19:07:24","slug":"stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behaviour"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_14585\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14585\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14585\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-400x400.jpg\" alt=\"How to stop self-sabotage\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-400x400.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-50x50.jpg 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223-20x20.jpg 20w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-14585\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/pagedooley\/20761160344\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Kevin Dooley<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Self-sabotage is the fine art of of taking action against yourself, <\/strong>convincing yourself you don&#8217;t want the things you actually do and driving away opportunity.<\/p>\n<p>[Not sure that&#8217;s you? read our connected piece, &#8220;<strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-sabotage.htm\">What is self-sabotage and why do I do it?<\/a><\/strong>&#8220;].<\/p>\n<p>A powerful habit, it can become second nature for you to destroy what you want. So how to stop?<\/p>\n<h2>7 Ways to stop self-sabotaging behaviour<\/h2>\n<p>Here are some ways to start breaking the pattern of self-sabotage in your life for once and for all.<\/p>\n<h3>1. Invest heavily in getting to know an all-important person.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>The person we are talking about is <em>you<\/em>. Self-sabotaging behaviour thrives on inner confusion<\/strong> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">lack of identity<\/span><\/a>. If you aren&#8217;t clear on who you actually are, it&#8217;s easy to convince yourself that you want something you don&#8217;t.<\/p>\n<p>Get to know yourself so well that there is no longer any room to trick yourself into doing what you don&#8217;t want. How to do that? Read on.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Write your way out of the habit.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>To recognise who you really are it is necessary to learn to listen to your own thoughts and feelings. <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/journal-writing.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Journalling<\/span><\/a> is a proven tool to help on this front. When we put pen to paper often enough, our truth can spill out.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tried journalling before and it didn&#8217;t work for you? It might be that<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> childhood fear<\/span><\/a> of <\/strong>&#8216;being found out&#8217; means you are always writing as if someone is watching and judging. A technique to counter this is to agree with yourself to rip up or burn everything you write. It frees the unconscious to let go.<\/p>\n<h3>3. Value your values.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_15178\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/18778753910_44d96537fe.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15178\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-15178\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/18778753910_44d96537fe-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"stop self-sabotage\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/18778753910_44d96537fe-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/18778753910_44d96537fe.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/18778753910_44d96537fe-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-15178\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/130132803@N07\/18778753910\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Nichole Burrows<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/personal-values-know-yours.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Personal values<\/span><\/a>, our beliefs about what is important in life, are strong markers about what we truly want from life.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Too often we confuse our own personal values with those of our parents, peers, or even society, and it&#8217;s a very quick route to sabotaging our own happiness.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Do you really value wealth, or deep down would you rather live a simple life if your parents didn&#8217;t disapprove? Is your value &#8220;fun&#8221;, because your social group demands it, or do you secretly prefer to spend your free time studying and honouring your value of wisdom?<\/p>\n<h3>4. Learn about core beliefs and and go digging for yours.<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/core-beliefs-cbt.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Core beliefs<\/span> <\/a>are the ways of seeing the world we learn as children and assume are &#8216;facts&#8217; &#8211; when very often they are anything but. And they can be so hidden in our unconscious we don&#8217;t even realise what they are, or how much they are informing our decisions.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Negative core beliefs are also the main driver behind self-sabotaging behaviour. <\/strong>For example, if you think &#8220;I am not worthy of love&#8221;, even if you deeply long to be loved, you will sabotage any attempt.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Taking the time to identify your core beliefs empowers you to then choose new beliefs that lead towards, instead of away from, the things that you truly want. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3>5. Develop self-compassion.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Negative core beliefs such as &#8220;I&#8217;m not worthy&#8221; or &#8220;bad things always happen to me&#8221; are fed by<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> low self-esteem<\/span><\/a><\/strong>, another major component of a self-sabotage habit.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Just &#8216;deciding&#8217; to suddenly have good esteem, though, rarely works. Feeling good about ourselves is a long process that requires commitment. <\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">But if there was a shortcut to self-esteem, it might be the art of<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-compassion.htm\"> <strong>self-compassion.<\/strong><\/a><b> <\/b><\/span>It suggests that instead of trying to reach the almost impossible goal of always liking yourself, try to simply have<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sympathy-and-empathy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> empathy<\/span> <\/a>and understanding for yourself instead.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3>6. Make it mindful.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_15180\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15180\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-15180\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-400x400.jpg\" alt=\"stop self-sabotage\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-400x400.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-50x50.jpg 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8371219266_bbfc3c3dd0-1-20x20.jpg 20w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-15180\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: Growinnc<\/p><\/div>\n<p>Most self-sabotaging behaviour is driven by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thinking.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">negative thinking<\/span> <\/a>patterns we don&#8217;t even know we are having.<\/p>\n<p>The technique of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mindfulness-techniques.htm\">mindfulness <\/a> brings your attention into the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/present-moment-secret-better-mood.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">present moment<\/span><\/a>, so you can actually hear such thoughts and train yourself to not take action on them.<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/meditation-and-the-brain.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Mindfulness<\/span><\/a> also helps you be present to your feelings,<\/strong> which you can use as a navigation tool to help you determine what feels like sabotage and what feels like something you actually want.<\/p>\n<p>(Curious? Read our comprehensive <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/mindfulness-help-guide.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Guide to Mindfulness<\/span><\/a>).<\/p>\n<h3>7. Keep it simple.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>The more complicated we can convince ourselves things are, the more we can throw our hands up in the air and refuse to go forward,<\/strong> i.e., sabotage our progress.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Simplicity can come from taking out the drama.<\/strong> This means recognising any pattern of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/black-and-white-thinking-stop-drama-addict.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">black and white thinking<\/span><\/a> that is causing you to make things bigger than they are (and maybe learning about the other forms of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/cognitive-distortions.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">cognitive distortions<\/span><\/a>, too).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Then <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/achieving-goals.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">simplify your goals<\/span><\/a><\/strong> and make them foolproof by following tried and tested <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/goal-setting-in-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">goal setting techniques like SMART.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<h3>Not sure you can navigate this alone? Don&#8217;t.<\/h3>\n<p>Work with a coach, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-between-psychotherapy-and-counselling.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">counsellor or psychotherapist<\/span><\/a>. They are trained to recognise just where you are sabotaging yourself, and at helping you see who you really are and what you really want.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy mental health expert\" width=\"105\" height=\"105\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 105px) 100vw, 105px\" \/><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Andrea M. Darcy <\/span><\/b><span style=\"color: #333399;\">is a mental health and wellbeing expert and personal development teacher with training in person-centred counselling and coaching, as well a popular psychology writer. Follow her on Instagram for useful life tips @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Self-sabotage is the fine art of of taking action against yourself, convincing yourself you don&#8217;t want the things you actually do and driving away opportunity. [Not sure that&#8217;s you? read our connected piece, &#8220;What is self-sabotage and why do I do it?&#8220;]. A powerful habit, it can become second nature for [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":14585,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[125],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14651","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-esteem","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Self sabotaging behaviour - how can you stop the cycle?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Self sabotaging behaviour leaves us unfulfilled and miserable but can feel hard to quit. 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Darcy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour.htm\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour.htm\",\"name\":\"Self sabotaging behaviour - how can you stop the cycle?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour.htm#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/stop-self-sabotaging-behaviour.htm#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/20761160344_f3e6fb5223.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-07-12T10:00:01+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-10T19:07:24+00:00\",\"description\":\"Self sabotaging behaviour leaves us unfulfilled and miserable but can feel hard to quit. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":2,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Self-sabotage is the fine art of of taking action against yourself, convincing yourself you don&#8217;t want the things you actually do and driving away opportunity. [Not sure that&#8217;s you? read our connected piece, &#8220;What is self-sabotage and why do I do it?&#8220;]. A powerful habit, it can become second nature for&hellip;","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14651","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14651"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14651\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":137966,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14651\/revisions\/137966"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14585"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14651"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14651"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14651"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}