{"id":14757,"date":"2016-05-24T11:00:18","date_gmt":"2016-05-24T10:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=14757"},"modified":"2023-03-10T14:33:26","modified_gmt":"2023-03-10T14:33:26","slug":"getting-over-a-breakup","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm","title":{"rendered":"Getting Over a Breakup &#8211; Why Do I Feel So Bad When I Chose to Leave?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_14764\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14764\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14764\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"Getting over a breakup\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14764\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/wwworks\/5841979717\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">woodleywonderworks<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>You broke up with your partner, and you thought you&#8217;d feel great and free. But somehow, that wonderful liberated feeling didn&#8217;t last (if it came at all) and you are instead left feeling miserable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Before you think it must mean you are meant to get back together (remember, you broke up for a reason)<\/strong>, learn the science behind why getting over a breakup can feel so bad, then what you can do to smooth the journey.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #800080;\">The Biology of Getting Over a Breakup<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>It&#8217;s not in your head that you feel awful \u2013 or, rather, it is in your head, as your brain is being affected. Here is a breakup\u2019s effects on your physiology.<\/p>\n<h3>1. You can experience a physical \u2018comedown\u2019 affect.<\/h3>\n<p>It turns out <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-you-cant-fall-in-love.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">romantic love<\/span><\/a> isn&#8217;t registered like an emotion in the brain, but instead as a \u201cgoal orientated motivation state\u201d. In other words, it&#8217;s something we&#8217;ll work to get as a kind of reward.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The problem is, this is the same part of the brain that lights up during <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/club-drugs-and-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">cocaine use<\/span><\/a>.<\/strong> And a <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/20445032\/\">2010 study<\/a> used magnetic resonance showed that for some of us, thinking about our ex post breakup show the same activity as a cocaine user.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So for those us with a naturally rather addictive brain<\/strong>, or who tend to choose <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addictive-relationships.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">addictive relationships<\/span><\/a>, you might be experiencing physical symptoms similar to withdrawal.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Your heart rate can be affected.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Even if you started the breakup, the other person agreeing with your decision can register as a form of rejection<\/strong> (this will be especially true if you have abandonment issues from childhood or have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">borderline personality disorder<\/span><\/a>, which makes one especially sensitive to any perceived rejection).<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0956797610379236\">A study looking at the body&#8217;s reaction to feeling rejected<\/a> found the parasympathetic nervous system was quite heavily affected, resulting in a slowed down heart rate \u2013 <strong>no wonder you feel &#8216;heartbroken&#8217;.<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3>3. You might be coming down off an adrenaline high.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_14762\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6346894242_974c79d73b.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14762\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14762\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6346894242_974c79d73b-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"Getting over a breakup\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6346894242_974c79d73b-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6346894242_974c79d73b.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6346894242_974c79d73b-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14762\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/59632563@N04\/6346894242\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Vic<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/8197314\/\">A study of 90 newlywed couples <\/a>found <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-conflict-still-fighting.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">relationship conflict<\/span> <\/a>raised adrenaline (also called \u2018epinephrine&#8217;).<\/p>\n<p>Hardly surprising, given that a release of adrenaline is part of your bodies <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fight-or-flight-response.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">fight or flight mode<\/span><\/a>, which kicks off whenever you feel stressed (and if you have an anxious attachment style, your body will always trigger into stress in fights &#8211; read more on<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> attachment styles and relationships<\/span><\/a>).<\/p>\n<p>The problem is that <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/19222814\/\">some people have been found to have brains genetically geared to be attracted to sensation seeking.<\/a> These are the proverbial \u2018adrenaline junkies\u201d. If this is you, and you find adrenaline rushes quite addictive, the loss of the very relationships drama you wanted short of might be leaving you feeling very restless and uncomfortable in your skin.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #800080;\">The Psychology of Getting Over a Breakup<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>Of course it\u2019s not just physiology. Psychology plays a large part in how we react to breakups.<\/strong> Here are 5 psychological reasons you feel bad.<\/p>\n<h3>1. You are forced out of your comfort zone.<\/h3>\n<p>We are creatures of habit. Having to change a habit, even if it\u2019s one that was doing us a disservice, can leave us feeling anxious as we can\u2019t predict what\u2019s ahead. It can also trigger personal fears developed from childhood experiences, like fear of failure, or fear of others&#8217; disapproval and not \u2018fitting in\u2019.<\/p>\n<h3>2. Negative thinking revs into overdrive.<\/h3>\n<p>The <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dealing-with-anxiety.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a> that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-hate-change-management.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">life change<\/span><\/a> brings makes it much harder to think positively. Instead you might caught up in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thinking.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">negative thinking<\/span><\/a>, which can be hard to stop due to the cyclical nature of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thoughts.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">negative thoughts<\/span><\/a> (read more about this our piece on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/cognitive-distortions.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">cognitive distortions<\/span><\/a>).<\/p>\n<h3>3. Old abandonment fears are triggered.<\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Is your reaction to the breakup oddly out of synch? As in, you didn\u2019t even like them that much, it wasn\u2019t a long relationship, and you left them, but now you feel hugely upset and unloveable? <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>It\u2019s likely you\u2019ve triggered a childhood issue around abandonment, meaning what you are feeling has more to do with the past than the present. That said, your emotions are all very real and can be incredibly overwhelming to navigate.<\/p>\n<h3>4. You are stuck alone with me, myself, and I.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_14763\" style=\"width: 321px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4172612455_3cb758291e.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14763\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14763\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4172612455_3cb758291e-311x400.jpg\" alt=\"I broke up with him so why do I feel so bad \" width=\"311\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4172612455_3cb758291e-311x400.jpg 311w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4172612455_3cb758291e.jpg 389w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 311px) 100vw, 311px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14763\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/cmichel67\/4172612455\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Christopher Michel<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>Let\u2019s face it \u2013 relationships are often great ways to avoid ourselves. We can get so caught up in being part of a couple, and \u2018helping\u2019 a partner with their issues (also known as the joys of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">codependency<\/span><\/a>) that we entirely bypass all our own problems and even put aside our own <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/achieving-goals.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">goals<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly single again, all these avoided pieces of you come rushing back, meaning suddenly we feel anxious, aimless, and possibly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stress-and-depression.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">depressed<\/span><\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>5. You are bored and lonely.<\/h3>\n<p>Relationships can keep us busy. If we aren\u2019t enjoying an activity, we are planning a trip for the future. Even fights are a great way to fill time.<\/p>\n<p>Without the relationship, you might find you haven\u2019t maintained your own interests or social group and are bored and actually quite <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">lonely<\/span><\/a> \u2013 neither of which feels good.<\/p>\n<h3>So what to do?<\/h3>\n<p>If a breakup has left you feeling more lost than liberated, consider seeking support before rushing back to your ex. A counsellor or a psychotherapist can offer you a clear perspective on how the relationship was and wasn\u2019t working, and help you pinpoint the real reasons you feel low \u2013are they really about the relationship at all, even?<\/p>\n<p>You might be surprised by how quickly you can feel better post breakup. A short round of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/span><\/a> sessions, for example, can put an end to negative thinking cycles and leave you feeling balanced and in charge again.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And possibly most important of all, therapy can help you look at what caused you to choose a less than supportive and happy relationship in the first place. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This can mean that next time you choose a relationship, you pick a partner more carefully and hopefully avoid experiencing the breakup blues again.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy mental health expert\" width=\"120\" height=\"120\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 120px) 100vw, 120px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy <\/b>is a mental health and wellbeing expert with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. As well as writing hundreds of popular articles about relationships, she works as a consultant helping people\u00a0 plan their perfect therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy You broke up with your partner, and you thought you&#8217;d feel great and free. But somehow, that wonderful liberated feeling didn&#8217;t last (if it came at all) and you are instead left feeling miserable. Before you think it must mean you are meant to get back together (remember, you broke up [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":14764,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[396,379],"class_list":["post-14757","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-breakup","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Getting over a breakup - why does it feel so bad when I left him?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Getting over a breakup should be easy if you chose to leave - right? Not necessarily. Learn the biology and psychology of getting over a breakup.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Getting Over a Breakup - Why Do I Feel So Bad When I Chose to Leave?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Getting over a breakup should be easy if you chose to leave - right? Not necessarily. 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Darcy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\",\"name\":\"Getting over a breakup - why does it feel so bad when I left him?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5841979717_b25ea9c870-1.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-05-24T10:00:18+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-10T14:33:26+00:00\",\"description\":\"Getting over a breakup should be easy if you chose to leave - right? 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