{"id":14821,"date":"2016-06-02T11:00:30","date_gmt":"2016-06-02T10:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=14821"},"modified":"2023-03-07T20:08:41","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T20:08:41","slug":"abandonment-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/abandonment-issues.htm","title":{"rendered":"Abandonment Issues &#8211; Are They Your Real Problem?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_14829\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14829\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14829\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-400x400.jpg\" alt=\"Abandonment issues\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-400x400.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-50x50.jpg 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/10225385666_ff0f6829f4-20x20.jpg 20w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-14829\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/nornny\/10225385666\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">nornnyweb<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Feel very upset if others <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-let-down.htm\">let you down<\/a> or leave you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\">feeling lonely<\/a>? Abandonment issues might be your problem.<\/p>\n<h2>What are abandonment issues?<\/h2>\n<p><b>Abandonment issues are <\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-problems.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">problems in your relationships<\/span><\/a> and in<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\"> trusting others<\/a>.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">They stem from life experiences that left you feeling you could not rely on others to take care of you and be there for you.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Experiences of abandonment leave us <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">feeling disconnected from others<\/span><\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/nobody-understands-me.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">misunderstood<\/span><\/a>, try as we might to develop lasting and strong bonds.<\/p>\n<h2>Signs you suffer abandonment issues<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Abandonment leaves a child with the message that they are not valued, important, or loved.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This has far reaching psychological implications if not recognised and healed, and as an adult can result in symptoms that can include the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>low moods<\/li>\n<li>overanalysing what others think of you<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/causes-of-exhaustion.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">unexplained fatigue<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li>feelings of fear and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">shame<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-intimacy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">fear of emotional intimacy<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li>&#8216;pushing and pulling&#8217; or clingy in relationships<\/li>\n<li>tend to choose partners who abandon (reenactment)<\/li>\n<li>repressed anger or anger issues<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-overcome-loneliness.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">loneliness<\/span><\/a> even when with others<\/li>\n<li>feeling you don&#8217;t fit in<\/li>\n<li>feeling deeply unloveable and &#8216;flawed&#8217;<\/li>\n<li>often feeling things are somehow your fault<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/medically-unexplained-symptoms-counselling.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">unexplained physical symptoms.<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><b>Related psychological issues<\/b> can include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/depression-counselling-london.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">depression<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dealing-with-anxiety.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">anxiety<\/span><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-social-anxiety-disorder.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">social anxiety<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">low self-esteem<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/sleep-help-guide.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">sleep problems<\/span><\/a> and disorders<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/addiction-help-guide.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">addictions<\/span><\/a> including <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/club-drugs-and-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">drugs<\/span><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/drinking-too-much-alcohol.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">alcohol<\/span><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/truth-about-overeating-case-study.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">overeating<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>What sort of childhood experience counts as abandonment?<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_14832\" style=\"width: 361px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14832\" class=\" wp-image-14832\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3992579030_dab1bc28e4-270x400.jpg\" alt=\"abandonment issues\" width=\"351\" height=\"520\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3992579030_dab1bc28e4-270x400.jpg 270w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3992579030_dab1bc28e4.jpg 337w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 351px) 100vw, 351px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-14832\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/howard_roark\/3992579030\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Nagesh Jayaraman<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><em>Have all the symptoms of abandonment issues, but sure you can&#8217;t have a problem? As you can&#8217;t think of anything &#8216;big&#8217; enough in your past to have caused them?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>It&#8217;s important to keep in mind that our brain when we are children can register things differently than our adult&#8217;s brain.<\/strong> What might seem like no big deal to us now could have been quite serious to the child we were, lodging in our unconscious as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-can-i-remember-childhood-trauma-abuse.htm\">trauma<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>So you don&#8217;t need to have been abandoned on a doorstep or come from a broken home to have abandonment issues.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #808080;\">Abandonment is about feeling disconnected from others. So it can be any experience at all that left you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/the-private-hell-of-rejection-why-does-it-keep-happening-to-you.htm\"> feeling rejected<\/a>, and like others were just not there for you in the way you needed them to be.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>The different forms of childhood abandonment<\/h2>\n<p>While things like <strong>an absent parent, divorce, adoption or bereavement<\/strong> can and often do cause abandonment issues? There are also other, not quite as obvious forms of abandonment that can deeply affect a child. These can include a parent who was:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>too depressed to give you attention<\/li>\n<li>living with an addiction that took all their energy<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-unavailable.htm\">emotionally cold and unavailable<\/a><\/li>\n<li>neglecting your needs and not taking of you properly<\/li>\n<li>never at home, leaving you alone often or bought up by an older sibling<\/li>\n<li>always out and\/or away leaving you with a rotating roster of babysitters and relatives<\/li>\n<li>subjecting you to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/were-you-sexually-abused-as-a-child.htm\">sexual or physical abuse<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Why is abandonment as a child such an issue?<\/h2>\n<p>As children we take our experiences as truth, unable to see that it&#8217;s only our limited perspective. These lead to what are called our &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/core-beliefs-cbt.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">core beliefs<\/span><\/a>&#8216; as an adult \u2013 our set of unconscious beliefs about how the world works that lead our lives from, and make all decisions based around. Unless we take the time to question our core beliefs, we can live our life from &#8216;facts&#8217; that are not even true at all.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_14831\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14831\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-14831\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3680556168_5da9eb19b7-400x287.jpg\" alt=\"abandonment issues\" width=\"400\" height=\"287\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3680556168_5da9eb19b7-400x287.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3680556168_5da9eb19b7.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-14831\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/stevon\/3680556168\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Stephen Brace<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>If as a child you felt abandoned, you would develop such unsupportive beliefs as, \u201cI don&#8217;t deserve to feel safe\u201d. \u201cThe world is a dangerous place\u201d. \u201cYou can&#8217;t rely on anyone to always be there for you\u201d, or \u201cI don&#8217;t deserve to be loved and cared for\u201d.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">You can imagine, if these are your secret beliefs, how you might make choices that don&#8217;t lead to feeling loved and happy.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2><b><\/b>Abandonment and borderline personality disorder<\/h2>\n<p>When speaking of abandonment issues it&#8217;s hard to avoid talking about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">borderline personality disorder (BPD).<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder.htm\">Borderline personality disorder<\/a> has at its heart a deep fear of abandonment. Those with BPD seem to lack the emotional &#8216;skin&#8217; other people have, meaning they are<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-am-i-so-oversensitive.htm\"> incredibly sensitive<\/a>. This combination, of deep fear around being abandoned combined with being oversensitive, leads them to overreact, perceiving the slightest things as a sign of abandonment.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">People with borderline personality disorder often have great reserves of love to offer, and want a loving relationship more than anything. But sadly, they are often the ones who have dramatic relationships involving a lot of push and pull and have a very hard time staying too long in one relationship.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>What do I do if I think this is me?<\/h2>\n<p>The good news about abandonment issues is that, unless they are part of a larger personality disorder, they are usually reversible (and even if you do suffer with BPD they are manageable).<\/p>\n<p>It does, however, take a strong commitment to yourself to work through abandonment issues, and the willingness to face your ways of being and acting and how such behaviours developed.<\/p>\n<p>While self help is a great starting point, abandonment issues run deep, involving a feeling of being unloveable and unworthy that generally requires support to heal and rise beyond.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Counselling and psychotherapy<\/span> is a wonderful fit for abandonment issues because the nature of therapy is really a relationship. You develop a relationship with your therapist, and this can serve as a tool to experience what it&#8217;s like to trust someone fully.<\/p>\n<p>All sorts of therapy will help you with your ways of relating, but some even specialise just on relationships and relationship issues like abandonment. Consider<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-schema-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"> schema therapy,<\/span><\/a> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dynamic-interpersonal-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) <\/span><\/a>\u00a0 or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-cognitive-analytic-therapy.htm\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">cognitive analytic therapy (CAT).<\/span><\/a> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\">Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/a> is also helpful as a short-term gateway therapy. It focuses on the present over your past, and helps you troubleshoot the ways you think about yourself, others and the world.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">Professional therapists<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling-psychologist-london.htm\">counselling psychologists<\/a> can help with abandonment issues, you can visit our sister site <a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\">harleytherapy.com<\/a> to find professional help online worldwide, over the phone or in person within the UK.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"139\" height=\"139\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-e1675110089673.png 268w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 139px) 100vw, 139px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy<\/b> is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Feel very upset if others let you down or leave you feeling lonely? Abandonment issues might be your problem. What are abandonment issues? Abandonment issues are problems in your relationships and in trusting others. They stem from life experiences that left you feeling you could not rely on others to take [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":14831,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6,125],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14821","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self-esteem","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Abandonment Issues - Are They Holding You Back In Life?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Abandonment issues can mean we never feeling able to fully connect with or trust others no matter how we try. 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