{"id":15791,"date":"2016-09-27T11:00:24","date_gmt":"2016-09-27T10:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=15791"},"modified":"2023-05-16T04:47:38","modified_gmt":"2023-05-16T03:47:38","slug":"partner-in-need-of-counselling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/partner-in-need-of-counselling.htm","title":{"rendered":"Always Picking Partners in Need of Counselling? 7 Reasons Why"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_15793\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15793\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-15793\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-400x398.jpg\" alt=\"needs counselling\" width=\"400\" height=\"398\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-400x398.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-200x200.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-50x50.jpg 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14808946211_00d2e6ce6b-20x20.jpg 20w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-15793\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/kstepanoff\/14808946211\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Konstantin Stepanov<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>Life inevitably throws curve balls <\/strong>and we <em>all<\/em> need help and support now and then.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But if you are always attracting<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/partner-needs-therapy.htm\">partners with deep-rooted issues who are in need of counselling<\/a>, this isn\u2019t just life being life. It\u2019s a pattern that needs to be examined.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\">7 Reasons You Always Pick Partners With Big Unresolved Issues<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>So why is it you always meet others who need some help?<\/p>\n<h3>1. You were a very &#8216;good girl&#8217; or &#8216;good boy&#8217; as a child.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>If you were always the &#8216;good&#8217; kid, it can mean that at some point you learned you had to fit into what others want to receive attention. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cI like you better when you are being a good girl.\u201d &#8220;Bad boys stay in their rooms until they are ready to behave in an acceptable way.\u201d &#8220;What would Mummy do without her angel&#8221;. These are all versions of teaching a child that only part of them is worthy of love and affection.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Children raised with this sort of parenting grow up into adults who hide vast parts of themselves, aspects they don\u2019t accept or expect others to. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>This of course attracts others who are as equally inauthentic, hiding their issues, possibly<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/depression-help-guide.htm\">depressed<\/a> ( thus attracted to someone who seems \u2018happy\u2019 and \u2018good\u2019 all the time) and likely very critical. In other words, someone <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm\">in need of counselling.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>[For a great read on this topic, we suggest the classic book <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.co.uk\/Drama-Being-Child-Search-True\/dp\/1860491014\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474967552&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=drama+of+being+a+child\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">The Drama of Being a Child<\/span> by Alice Miller<\/a>.]<\/p>\n<h3>2. You have attachment issues.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_15801\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15801\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-15801\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3780495887_e6aef7e040-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"partner needs counselling\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3780495887_e6aef7e040-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3780495887_e6aef7e040.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-15801\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/maxview\/3780495887\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Shang Ning<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">Attachment theory<\/a> believes that a child needs consistent and unconditional love and support from a trustworthy caregiver to grow into an adult that can relate to others in healthy ways.<\/p>\n<p>If this attachment doesn\u2019t take place, the child will grow up with a flawed &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\">attachment style<\/a>&#8216; (way of connecting with others).<\/p>\n<p><strong>This can leave you prone to making poor choices of just who you should invest in connecting with in the first place. <\/strong><\/p>\n<h3>3. You are codependent.<\/h3>\n<p>Somewhere along the line you learned you only have worth if you help others, or that committing yourself to being an endless support to another is the best way to guarantee you\u2019ll be loved.<\/p>\n<p>Known as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">codependency<\/a>, this sort of \u2018you must love me because I am so useful to you\u2019 pattern attracts people who need help. This includes <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/drinking-too-much-alcohol.htm\">alcoholics<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/addiction-help-guide.htm\">addicts<\/a> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/club-drugs-and-therapy.htm\">(drugs<\/a>, work, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sex-addiction-counselling.htm\">sex addiction<\/a>&#8230; any sort of addict appreciates a good &#8216;helper&#8217;), and those with low confidence and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/anger-management-help-guide.htm\">anger issues<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>4. You have self-esteem issues.<\/h3>\n<p>Always choosing partners with issues means that on a certain level you don\u2019t believe you deserve a relationship with someone with enough energy for a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/authentic-relationships.htm\">healthy relationship<\/a>. In other words, you have hidden low <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\">self-esteem<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3>5. You use relationships like a drug.<\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_15802\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4040227579_901b10214b-2.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-15802\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-15802\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4040227579_901b10214b-2-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"boyfriend needs counselling\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4040227579_901b10214b-2-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4040227579_901b10214b-2.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-15802\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/armydre2008\/4040227579\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">frankieleon<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>Sometimes it\u2019s a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/black-and-white-thinking-stop-drama-addict.htm\">need for drama<\/a> that has you picking partners with serious issues.<\/p>\n<p>On a surface level, drama can make you feel interesting and exciting.<\/p>\n<p>But on a deeper level, it is often because you are using the drama of dating someone with issues like a drug. This helps you to avoid facing what you don&#8217;t like about life and yourself. This is often referred to as being a &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addictive-relationships.htm\">love addict<\/a>&#8216;.<\/p>\n<h3>6. You have your own issues to deal with.<\/h3>\n<p><strong>Inevitably, always choosing partners with issues masks that you yourself have issues that need resolving.<\/strong> The partners you choose can be ways into seeing what issues these are. For example, the woman with trust issues is attracted to the man who is unreliable, the man with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thoughts.htm\">low self-esteem<\/a> is attracted to the woman who is<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dangers-criticism-realise.htm\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dangers-criticism-realise.htm&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1475056241366000&amp;usg=AFQjCNEd7YbFIwtrCbZ2e9E0KOLoYfQxPA\"> always critical<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1475056241366000&amp;usg=AFQjCNFCOhvlmC81XCYa5DYJ4XG1DdcRew\">emotionally abusive<\/a>, and the addict is attracted to the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1475056241366000&amp;usg=AFQjCNG1KraDTlzj6q9qV8fQdtZnIlTprA\">codependent<\/a> who gets worth from taking care of others.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It\u2019s also common to choose partners who are similar to the parent you have the most unresolved issues with<\/strong>. It\u2019s as if a part of you longs to heal from the past and so recreates the same issues. If you had a controlling mother who always put you down, you might pick a partner who does the same. (Read our piece &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/partner-mother-father.htm\">Worried Your Partner is Like Your Parent<\/a>?&#8217; for more on this dynamic).<\/p>\n<h3>7. You experienced childhood trauma.<\/h3>\n<p>If you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">experienced trauma as a child<\/a> and have not resolved it, you might find yourself attracted to similarly damaged partners.<\/p>\n<p>For example, <strong>a child who was <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/sexual-abuse-help-guide.htm\">abused as a child<\/a> might end up with a partner who abuses him or her, even if a different way<\/strong>. So even if your partner is not physically abusing you, they might be<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm\"> emotionally abusing you<\/a>, or doing abusive things like withholding love or using you for money.<\/p>\n<h3>Recognise yourself in the above?<\/h3>\n<p><strong>What matters is not the hand you are dealt, but how you deal with it. <\/strong>This might mean seeking <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/common-issues-in-couples-therapy.htm\">couples counselling<\/a> if you are still with your partner and they are willing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But if you are seemingly only able to attract<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"> partners who won&#8217;t seek therap<\/a>y even though they need it, it might be time to recognise the best way to attract partners who don&#8217;t have unresolved issues is to at last resolve your own.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>Harley Therapy offers friendly and highly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">experienced counsellors and therapists<\/a> in three London locations, as well as worldwide via <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-counselling-psychologists.htm\">online counselling. <\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>____________________________________________<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-114425 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy health and wellbeing expert writer\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-50x50.png 50w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy<\/b> is a health and wellbeing expert, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD, and advises people on how to plan their therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Life inevitably throws curve balls and we all need help and support now and then. But if you are always attracting partners with deep-rooted issues who are in need of counselling, this isn\u2019t just life being life. It\u2019s a pattern that needs to be examined. 7 Reasons You Always Pick Partners [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":15793,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Always Picking Partners in Need of Counselling? 7 Reasons Why - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If your partners or spouses are always in need of counselling, is it about you? 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