{"id":16467,"date":"2016-12-15T11:00:12","date_gmt":"2016-12-15T11:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=16467"},"modified":"2023-03-13T15:47:18","modified_gmt":"2023-03-13T15:47:18","slug":"co-parenting-at-christmas-how-to-stay-sane","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/co-parenting-at-christmas-how-to-stay-sane.htm","title":{"rendered":"Co-parenting at Christmas &#8211; Can It Ever Work?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_16472\" style=\"width: 405px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16472\" class=\" wp-image-16472\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/103717466_a3c414972b-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"Coparenting at Christmas\" width=\"395\" height=\"263\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/103717466_a3c414972b-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/103717466_a3c414972b.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/103717466_a3c414972b-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 395px) 100vw, 395px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-16472\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/briannaorg\/103717466\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Brianna Privett<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/conflicting-parenting-styles.htm\">Co-parenting<\/a> is challenge at the best of times. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/parenting-during-the-holidays.htm\">Coparenting at Christmas<\/a> can be a whole new level of stress. \u00a0What can make things easier?<\/p>\n<h2>How to navigate co-parenting at Christmas<\/h2>\n<p>How can you best navigate co-<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/parenting-during-the-holidays.htm\">parenting at Christmas <\/a>and make choices that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/christmas-survival-skills-struggle-time-year.htm\">reduce your holiday stress<\/a>?<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Get it all in writing.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Texts are short and can be misunderstood &#8211; switch to email while making arrangements and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/good-questions-to-ask.htm\">ask good questions<\/a> <strong>until it&#8217;s crystal clear you are on the same page. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Other things to get in writing now are the following:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>agreements over <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/conflicting-parenting-styles.htm\">parenting styles<\/a><\/li>\n<li>holiday flexibility over rules around bedtime, diet, pocket money, etc.<\/li>\n<li>who the kids can and can&#8217;t be left with, should the need arise<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/10-ways-help-debt-problems.htm\">money, money, money<\/a>&#8230; who will pay for what and limits on present budgets.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><em>Stick to holiday plans only as the topic of debate for this month. Christmas is stressful enough and your other <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-conflict-still-fighting.htm\">ongoing conflicts<\/a> can wait until the new year.<\/em><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Prepare, prepare, prepare when co-parenting at Christmas.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>Take time to prioritise in advance on what your main parenting concerns are<\/strong> and be willing to negotiate the rest.<\/p>\n<p><em>Getting a promise that your ex won\u2019t let your preteens drink alcohol, for example, might be more worth fighting for than, say, a consistent bedtime.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Prepare for<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-overcome-loneliness.htm\"> loneliness<\/a>, too.<\/strong> Make plans now with friends and other family members for the days you are without the kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you are sure you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\">want to be alone<\/a>,<\/strong> be ready. Instead of ice cream at hand, consider a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/journal-writing.htm\">journal<\/a> and tissues, it can be an opportunity to process emotions you haven&#8217;t had time to yet. Or a rolling pin and pillows, if that is more helpful!<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Kids first, ego second. <\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_16474\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16474\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-16474\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8140114368_6b60606466-400x270.jpg\" alt=\"coparenting at christmas\" width=\"400\" height=\"270\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8140114368_6b60606466-400x270.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8140114368_6b60606466.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-16474\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/amslerpix\/8140114368\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">David Amsler<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>Arrange things when the kids are not listening in. <\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><em>Conversations like \u201cyou take them in the evening, I\u2019ll take the back the next day&#8221; might feel innocuous to you, but it can leave a child feeling unwanted. Ditto for things like, &#8220;Well I paid for their train tickets, you pay for their new winter coats!&#8221; Which can see kids mired in guilt.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Never, <em>ever<\/em> use the children as weapons of war,<\/strong> no matter how <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/repressed-anger.htm\">angry<\/a> you and your ex might be with each other. This means you <strong>do NOT<\/strong>:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>ask the kids for the lowdown on what people said about you<\/li>\n<li>put down the other parent in front of them<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/comparing-yourself-to-others.htm\">compare<\/a> your holiday plans to your exes<\/li>\n<li>try to \u2018outdo\u2019 your partner with your festivities and presents<\/li>\n<li>incessantly call or text the kids when they are with the other parent.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">While it is important to listen to how your children feel about the holiday arrangements and have their feedback, be very sure you are not actually manipulating them. As<\/span><span style=\"color: #800080;\">king your child at the last minute after everything is arranged if they are &#8216;sure&#8217; they want to go see the other parent is making them choose between you. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Encourage your child to be honest with you on one hand, but be clear that you do understand it\u2019s important for them to see the other parent.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Acceptance goes a long way.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><em>Accept that you can\u2019t control how the other person parents when you are not around.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>The best you can do when co-parenting at Christmas is try to agree to as<\/strong> many ground rules as possible. And perhaps both agree the children have constant access to another reliable relative at all times, such as an aunt or grandmother.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Accept that <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-stop-being-a-perfectionist.htm\">things might not go perfectly<\/a><\/span>.<\/strong> Your ex might be late with the pickup, he or she might spend more on presents than agreed on, and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/holiday-stress-3-stay-calm-turkey-burns.htm\"> the turkey might indeed burn<\/a>. Your kids might not always be well-behaved, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/drinking-too-much-alcohol.htm\">you might drink too much<\/a> rum punch.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But also accept that co-parenting is a learning curve.<\/strong> If things don\u2019t work well this year, you can learn what is needed for the following one.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Set the mood.<\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_16470\" style=\"width: 343px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16470\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-16470\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/1171173373_12cd9932e3-333x400.jpg\" alt=\"Coparenting at Christmas\" width=\"333\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/1171173373_12cd9932e3-333x400.jpg 333w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/1171173373_12cd9932e3.jpg 416w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 333px) 100vw, 333px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-16470\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/martin_borjesson\/1171173373\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Martin B\u00f6rjesson<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>Your children will take their cue from you.<\/strong> If you are complaining and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/anger-management-help-guide.htm\">angry<\/a>, they will <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stress-vs-depression.htm\">feel stressed<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/holiday-anxiety.htm\">anxious<\/a>, even if they try to hide it or pretend they are fine.<\/p>\n<p>Something as simple as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-perspective.htm\">changing perspective <\/a>can be powerful, especially when combined with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/gratitude-tips.htm\">gratitude<\/a>. Help your child focus on what they do have instead of what they don\u2019t. They get two Christmases, for starters.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">This Christmas might look messy in your eyes, but what matters to children is feeling safe and loved. Yes, you no longer love your ex-partner, and you can be honest about that. But make sure your children are reminded that your love for them is as strong as ever.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Can&#8217;t stand each other?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>If it\u2019s truly impossible for the two of you to communicate, consider a third party go-between<\/strong> over destroying the holidays.<\/p>\n<p><strong>It&#8217;s rarely a good idea to ask someone in the family<\/strong>, no matter how kind they are. This often leads to a larger war involving more people, or alienates those you love. Hiring an impartial stranger to organise things, such as a PA, can nowadays be done over the internet (called a &#8216;VA&#8217;, or virtual assistant).<\/p>\n<p><strong>Or consider a few sessions with a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/family-therapist-london.htm\">family therapist<\/a> who can help you communicate without <\/strong>tearing each other apart, and can give you tools for co-parenting that will serve you for years to come. Nowadays you can even deliver couples <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-counselling-psychologists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333333;\">counselling online<\/span><\/a><span style=\"color: #333333;\">, meaning it&#8217;s achievable even if you live in different cities. If you think your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-ex.htm\">co-parent may be narcissistic<\/a>, there are also other ways that you can learn to manage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Single parent doesn&#8217;t have to mean all alone<\/h2>\n<p>If you feel low and overwhelmed, reach out to a friend. And know that helplines like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.samaritans.org\/\">the Good Samaritans<\/a> do stay open over the holidays, as do many <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/services.htm\">counselling services<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><em><strong>Have a tip for co-parenting at Christmas we&#8217;ve missed? Share with your community by commenting below. <\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Co-parenting is challenge at the best of times. Coparenting at Christmas can be a whole new level of stress. \u00a0What can make things easier? How to navigate co-parenting at Christmas How can you best navigate co-parenting at Christmas and make choices that reduce your holiday stress? 1. Get it all in writing. Texts are short [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":16472,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[296],"tags":[405,115],"class_list":["post-16467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","tag-holidays","tag-parenting","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Co-parenting at Christmas - Can It Ever Work? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Coparenting during Christmas is stressful particularly in the first ye. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Co-parenting is challenge at the best of times. Coparenting at Christmas can be a whole new level of stress. \u00a0What can make things easier? How to navigate co-parenting at Christmas How can you best navigate co-parenting at Christmas and make choices that reduce your holiday stress? 1. Get it all in writing. Texts are short&hellip;","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16467","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=16467"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16467\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":139582,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16467\/revisions\/139582"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/16472"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=16467"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=16467"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=16467"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}