{"id":16538,"date":"2016-12-22T11:00:08","date_gmt":"2016-12-22T11:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=16538"},"modified":"2023-03-14T04:56:35","modified_gmt":"2023-03-14T04:56:35","slug":"keeping-secrets-from-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/keeping-secrets-from-family.htm","title":{"rendered":"Keeping Secrets From Family \u2013 Is it Always Bad?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_16544\" style=\"width: 276px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3377332163_1b1d0ae3c3-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16544\" class=\"wp-image-16544 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3377332163_1b1d0ae3c3-1-266x400.jpg\" alt=\"keeping secrets from family\" width=\"266\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3377332163_1b1d0ae3c3-1-266x400.jpg 266w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3377332163_1b1d0ae3c3-1.jpg 333w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 266px) 100vw, 266px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-16544\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/stevendepolo\/3377332163\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Steven Depolo<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Keeping secrets from family is not only distracting, it can stop us from connecting to others and leave us <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\">lonely<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/nobody-understands-me.htm\">misunderstood<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><em><strong>But if you have a secret, do you owe it to your family to share it? Not necessarily.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<h2>Why do we keep secrets ?<\/h2>\n<p>There are, sadly, those amongst us who keep secrets out of a perverse sense of pleasure in manipulating others. But such individuals suffer<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm\"> narcissistic personality disorder <\/a>or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-a-sociopath.htm\">sociopathy<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\">In general we keep secrets because <strong>we are trying to protect those we love<\/strong>, we are<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dangers-criticism-realise.htm\"> <strong>afraid of being judged<\/strong><\/a>, or because <strong>we feel scared and ashamed<\/strong>. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2>Is it bad to keep a secret from your family?<\/h2>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">It depends, really, on what the secret is, and who your family is, too. It&#8217;s true that it is only in the telling of secrets that we are able to process a hidden experience, start to heal, and move on. But unfortunately, not all families are the right place to start that healing.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>If you are keeping a secret to protect other family members, it\u2019s important to be honest with yourself if this is a fair choice<\/strong>. Are you really protecting them, or are you just making your own life easier? Are you honouring the other person&#8217;s autonomy, or assuming you know what they would want?<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_16551\" style=\"width: 276px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16551\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-16551\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/469268655_4be4edbb32-266x400.jpg\" alt=\"keeping secrets from family\" width=\"266\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/469268655_4be4edbb32-266x400.jpg 266w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/469268655_4be4edbb32.jpg 333w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 266px) 100vw, 266px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-16551\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/powerbooktrance\/469268655\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Terry Johnston<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>If your secret is something you hide out of a fear of judgement, then consider if the secret is serving you in a positive way<\/strong> without actually hurting others<strong>. <\/strong>Sometimes we keep secrets in order to feel exciting and different. This can be a part of growing up and figuring out who you are as an individual, separate from your family. Perhaps, for example, they want you to be a lawyer but you are secretly taking acting classes at night. When you are ready, you&#8217;ll share.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Is your secret hidden because it actually <em>will <\/em>hurt others? <\/strong>Perhaps you had an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-people-cheat-on-partners.htm\">affair<\/a>, or stole <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/10-ways-help-debt-problems.htm\">money.<\/a> In this case it can be advisable to &#8216;come clean&#8217; &#8211; but you might need support first, and timing can be important.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">As for secrets rising from a <span style=\"color: #808080;\"> <a style=\"color: #808080;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">childhood trauma<\/a>,<\/span> this is when it is especially important to be sure sharing with family is right for you at this time. If your instinct has been to not tell them, it might mean that you feel a need to protect yourself from unhealthy family dynamics. The last thing you need, after all, is more trauma, or to feel unsupported. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Questions to ask before you tell your family your secret<\/h2>\n<p><em>Try asking these questions first:<\/em><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">1.What is my intention for sharing this secret right now?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Why tell it now and not before? If you are doing it out of spite, to punish someone, or to get attention, then it\u2019s better to wait.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Is this the right timing to tell my secret?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/family-gathering-tips.htm\">Family reunions<\/a> or parties where <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/drinking-too-much-alcohol.htm\">alcohol <\/a>is involved are generally the wrong times to share, as are events which are to celebrate someone else, such as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/birthday-blues-milestones-affect-mental-health.htm\">birthdays<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Am I in the right mindset to share this secret?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>If you have been <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/alcohol-and-depression.htm\">drinking<\/a>, or if you are<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/repressed-anger.htm\"> angry<\/a> or upset with someone, it is better to tell the secret another time.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Is this the right family member to share my secret with?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Do you feel safe around them? Can you trust them? Have they been someone who has proved themselves loyal in the past, or not?<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Am I really ready to tell this secret?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Have you spent time working on your own feelings and thoughts about this secret? Are you able to talk about it calmly and with conviction? Or is is possible that you might end up attacking others mid-telling, and push away those whose support you wanted?<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_16552\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-16552\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-16552\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14784359522_ac72fcaa0e-400x298.jpg\" alt=\"keeping secrets from family\" width=\"400\" height=\"298\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14784359522_ac72fcaa0e-400x298.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14784359522_ac72fcaa0e.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-16552\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/internetarchivebookimages\/14784359522\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Internet Archive Book Images<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Do I feel truly safe to tell this secret right now?<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>If you feel any<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-does-therapy-help-anxiety.htm\"> anxiety<\/a>, if your stomach feels sick, your heart is pounding? Then it might be you just aren&#8217;t ready to share, or this is not the time or place.<\/p>\n<h2>The &#8216;truth telling myth&#8217;<\/h2>\n<p>Our culture has gone from one where secrets were considered ok, to one where telling secrets is seen as a great &#8216;cure all&#8217;.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">It&#8217;s important to recognise that revealing your secret does not instantly set everything right<\/span>. <span style=\"color: #800080;\">It can instead be the beginning of a much longer journey of healing. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Like a Pandora&#8217;s box, you might find that once you start talking, you discover other memories that were hidden. This is especially the case with things like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm\">childhood abuse.<\/a><\/p>\n<p><strong>Your secret can also trigger other people&#8217;s secrets, and other parties involved might have a different<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-perspective.htm\"> perspective <\/a>on what happened.<\/strong> You might have to suffer through not being believed.<\/p>\n<h2>Do I need help with this secret?<\/h2>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Secrets are better out than in. But if you feel fear, shame, anger, or resentment at the thought of sharing your secret, or you just aren&#8217;t sure you can navigate it all alone, it might be time to reach out for support.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>A<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"> trained counsellor or psychotherapist <\/a>can provide an impartial, safe, and supportive environment for you to process unresolved emotions around your secret. They will support you to find your inner strength and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\">self-esteem<\/a> again.<\/p>\n<p><strong>They can also help you understand the dynamics of your family.<\/strong> This means that when you do decide you are ready to tell them, not only will you be in a calmer and more powerful state of mind, you will have the communication skills to share in a way that feels safe and useful.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #808080;\">Harley Therapy connects you to experienced, professional, and kind therapists in three London locations, or worldwide via <span style=\"color: #993366;\"><a style=\"color: #993366;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-counselling-psychologists.htm\">online therapy<\/a>. <\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>__________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><b><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-thumbnail wp-image-114425 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-150x150.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy health and wellbeing expert writer\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-50x50.png 50w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 150px) 100vw, 150px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy <\/b>is a mental health and wellbeing expert with training in person-centred counselling and coaching. She often writes about trauma and relationships, and works as a consultant helping people plan their perfect therapy journey. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Keeping secrets from family is not only distracting, it can stop us from connecting to others and leave us lonely and misunderstood. But if you have a secret, do you owe it to your family to share it? Not necessarily. Why do we keep secrets ? There are, sadly, those amongst [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":16544,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16538","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Keeping Secrets From Family \u2013 Is it Always Bad? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Keeping secrets from family can be exhausting. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":2,"uagb_excerpt":"by Andrea M. Darcy Keeping secrets from family is not only distracting, it can stop us from connecting to others and leave us lonely and misunderstood. But if you have a secret, do you owe it to your family to share it? Not necessarily. Why do we keep secrets ? 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