{"id":16567,"date":"2022-12-27T11:00:33","date_gmt":"2022-12-27T11:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=16567"},"modified":"2023-05-19T14:02:42","modified_gmt":"2023-05-19T13:02:42","slug":"new-year-new-you-try-this","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/new-year-new-you-try-this.htm","title":{"rendered":"New Year New You? Try This First"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By: Martin Cooper<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Tell yourself at the end of every December that it’s time for a “New Year<\/a>, new you”? Only to end up being the same flawed person<\/a> as always?<\/p>\n

Why does nothing change<\/a> for you, and what can be done?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Why ‘New Year, new you’ hasn’t worked out<\/h2>\n

Many of us seem to just give up on ourselves if <\/strong>our resolutions don’t work<\/a>. A survey by Yougov<\/a> in the UK found, for example, that while when aged 18 to 24 over a third of us set yearly goals<\/a>, by aged 55<\/a> only ten percent of us still bother.<\/p>\n

We miss the crucial fact that our progress isn’t happening not because we are useless <\/strong>and can’t change<\/a>, but because we are stuck in a pattern<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Patterns come from the past, from unresolved experiences. And they can, with some effort and honesty<\/a>, be changed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Changing patterns is indeed so powerful than an entire form of therapy<\/strong>, called ‘schema therapy’<\/a>, is formed around the concept of recognising and changing patterns.<\/p>\n

How to actually break the pattern this year<\/h2>\n

Having a breakthrough<\/a> means getting really honest, and taking stock of yourself and your life. How does this best work?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Drop the self-judgement. <\/span><\/h3>\n

“New Year, new you” might sound positive, but it also implies the old you was<\/strong> not good enough<\/a>. So first, note that self-criticism<\/a> stops us from taking action.<\/p>\n

For example, think about what it’s like when <\/strong>your boss suddenly yells at you<\/a>. Many of us go blank and freeze<\/a>, or enter denial<\/a> and protest. Regardless of our response of choice, the end result is the same. We retreat, licking our wounds, and stick our neck out less.<\/p>\n

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photo by Tim Mossholder for Unsplash<\/p><\/div>\n

You are effectively sending yourself into constant retreat<\/strong> with your critical inner soundtrack. No wonder you never achieve your goals<\/a>.<\/p>\n

ACTION STEP:<\/strong> Start the process of a New Year, new you with gratitude<\/a> and self appreciation<\/a>. Write down five things that happened in the last year that you are actually proud of, and five things you actually like about yourself lately. <\/em><\/p>\n

2. Now take an honest inventory.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Pretending difficult things we lived through were no big deal might help us cope <\/strong>in the short-term. But in the long term, the emotions and beliefs from unresolved experiences<\/a> not only can hold us back. They can leave us with constant anxiety and depression<\/a>.<\/p>\n

And if we don’t deal with an experience, we are more likely to then go and repeat it. For example, <\/strong>let’s say you left a relationship<\/a> this year where you were emotionally <\/a>abused,<\/a> and try to just \u2018forget about it\u2019.\u00a0 It’s highly likely you’ll just walk right into another unhealthy relationship<\/a>.\u00a0 Why? You didn’t use the experience as a chance to heal the root cause that sees you choosing such relationships, like unresolved childhood experiences.<\/a> Or heal the issues it gave you, like low self-esteem<\/a>. So the cycle just repeats.<\/p>\n

ACTION STEP:<\/strong> Sit down and make an honest list<\/strong> of what you experienced in the past year (or past few years if you prefer) that you found upsetting. The things that hurt, the things you wish didn\u2019t happen, the things you feel ashamed of<\/a> or confused about.\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

3. Ask good questions.<\/span><\/h3>\n

You are now going to take your list of difficult experiences<\/a> and turn them into gifts by <\/strong>asking very good questions<\/a>. This will help you understand, process, and learn from each one, so you can make different choices in this New Year<\/a> you are entering.<\/p>\n

ACTION STEP:<\/strong> For each item on your \u2018difficult\u2019 list, ask useful questions that begin with \u2018what\u2019 and \u2018how\u2019 (avoid ‘why’ questions tend to be rabbit holes or lead to self-judgement). It is best done in a journal<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

For example:<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n