{"id":18289,"date":"2017-07-25T11:09:31","date_gmt":"2017-07-25T10:09:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=18289"},"modified":"2023-03-12T21:58:37","modified_gmt":"2023-03-12T21:58:37","slug":"she-or-he-doesnt-want-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/she-or-he-doesnt-want-kids.htm","title":{"rendered":"When She or He Doesn’t Want Kids and You Do"},"content":{"rendered":"
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By: Wicker Paradise<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n

Uh oh. The ‘doesn’t want kids’ issue has raised it’s head, and you want them… What now?<\/p>\n

First of all, know you are far from alone. A difference of opinion when it comes to kids is actually a common reason partners come to couples therapy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

How NOT to approach the ‘doesn’t want kids’ issue<\/h2>\n

It can become more a question of what NOT to do or say. Approaching this issue in the wrong way can cause long-term or permanent damage to your relationship and its trust levels<\/strong>. The below are things to avoid.<\/p>\n

1. Don’t decide he or she will change their mind and just wait.<\/span><\/h3>\n

It’s not unheard of for people to change their mind on this issue. But it takes communication and solid personal work, not ignoring the issue. And it’s not something to count on. <\/em><\/p>\n

This kind of ‘wait’ tactic leads to unhealthy behaviour, such as trying to be ‘the perfect partner’,<\/strong> as if you have to deserve their love and ‘win’ a family with them. This is codependency<\/a>, and these kinds of thoughts stem from low self-esteem<\/a> that can see you bitter <\/a>in the long term.<\/p>\n

There are practical caveats here.<\/strong> If your partner is young enough that doubt it normal, for example. Anyone under twenty-five is usually still working out who they are as an individual.<\/p>\n

And if you just met someone in the last six months,<\/strong> it’s you they are still getting to know. It’s more than fair to ask their opinion on having a family in general, and a wise idea to ask this early. But demanding if they do<\/p>\n

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By: Chris W.<\/p><\/div>\n

or don’t want children with you<\/em> is not fair. Despite the modern day myth that love should be instant and certain, good relationships <\/a>and trust take time. If you feel you don’t biologically have the time, you can’t blame your partner.<\/p>\n

2. Don’t try to secretly manipulate him or her into changing their mind.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Planning on getting a pet <\/a>to ‘wake up’ your partner’s parenting gene, or secretly arranging for your friends with kids to drop by more often?<\/em><\/p>\n

Manipulating your partner is dishonest, and if they realise what is happening it can kill the trust between you. Is this the sort of parenting you had in mind, two parents who don’t trust each other?<\/p>\n

Yes, it’s possible that raising a pet or spending more time with kids can give both of you more clarity on the kids issue. But<\/strong> it needs to be talked about honestly in advance as something you’d like them to try with an open mind.<\/p>\n

As for ‘tricking’ your partner into having kids, such as lying about fertility days and safe sex,<\/strong> just don’t. A biological ticking clock can cause temporary moments of insanity, but try not to lose your integrity and self-respect in the process.<\/p>\n

3. Don’t let the issue drop in the name of ‘sacrificing for love’.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Sacrificing your personal happiness is not romantic or ‘true love’<\/strong>, it’s self sabotage<\/a>. It’s simply not healthy to put aside your own very normal desires and needs just to please someone else.<\/p>\n

If your partner is seriously not willing to talk about the issue in depth, and refuses to even consider a compromise<\/strong> such as possibly adopting an older child, then it’s time to leave the relationship. And it’s a wise idea to find ways to build up your self-esteem<\/a> or possibly see a counsellor<\/a>, so you can be better at setting boundaries<\/a> with the next partner.<\/p>\n

Why therapy is a lifesaver for the kids question<\/h2>\n

Couples counselling<\/a> helps in obvious ways. It helps you properly communicate<\/a>, ask better questions<\/a>, release emotions in a non-destructive way, and identify possible compromises (or accept they don’t exist).<\/p>\n

But there are some surprising ways that therapy helps with deciding on kids.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n