{"id":18713,"date":"2017-09-21T11:00:24","date_gmt":"2017-09-21T10:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=18713"},"modified":"2023-03-07T15:33:32","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T15:33:32","slug":"involuntary-childlessness-depression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/involuntary-childlessness-depression.htm","title":{"rendered":"Involuntary Childlessness and Depression &#8211; Is it Time to Talk?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_18716\" style=\"width: 276px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6322587491_03ddcf40e9.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18716\" class=\"wp-image-18716 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6322587491_03ddcf40e9-266x400.jpg\" alt=\"childlessness depression \" width=\"266\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6322587491_03ddcf40e9-266x400.jpg 266w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6322587491_03ddcf40e9.jpg 333w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 266px) 100vw, 266px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-18716\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/jenny-pics\/6322587491\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">jenny downing<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Not having children due to a pointed choice is one thing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Not having children because it didn\u2019t work out for you is quite another.<\/strong>\u00a0The <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-vs-sadness.htm\">depression<\/a>\u00a0this can cause can often remain hidden and untreated.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And it&#8217;s far from just a women&#8217;s issue.<\/strong> In a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.keele.ac.uk\/pressreleases\/2013\/menmoredepressedandsadthanwomenifchildless.php\">study at the UK&#8217;s Keele University <\/a>it was found that 38% of men in a study group had experienced depression due to not having children, compared to 27% of the women.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Why is depression from childlessness so often downplayed? <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>What are the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/depression-help-guide.htm\">signs you should look for<\/a> if you are childless and worried about your mental health? <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>And what are steps you can take if you feel you might have &#8216;childlessness depression&#8217;?<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Why aren\u2019t we talking about childlessness and depression?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s a tricky issue. On one hand, if you are childless after many private battles with both your body and your hopes, <strong>you might not want the world to know how upset you are.<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Or \u00a0you might have spent so much time hiding what you are going through \u2013 the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fertility-problems-psychological-impact.htm\">fertility tests<\/a>, the alternative treatments, the attempts at an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/ivf-pregnancy.htm\">IVF pregnancy<\/a>, the praying and pleading to whatever gods that be &#8211; that it\u2019s become a bad habit. Now that you need support, you don\u2019t know how to start talking.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>On the other hand are those who love you and want support you but<\/strong> who might have children, feel guilty, and just not know how to approach you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>An overlooked issue that can increase depression for one or both partners is if \u00a0<\/strong>you have different methods of coping and getting over things. This can cause <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/relationship-conflict-still-fighting.htm\">conflict<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bad-at-dealing-with-conflict.htm\">communication breakdown<\/a> that means you are together but<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-feel-so-alone.htm\"> lonely<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And finally, there are many single people who have spent so long hiding their desire to have children<\/strong> from others &#8212; so as not to appear desperate, or worry others, or perhaps out of fear of facing their own panic over the issue &#8212; &#8211; that when they are face-to-face with a future without children they <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-we-put-the-blame-on-others.htm\">blame<\/a> themselves. \u00a0They continue to suffer in silence. This sort of hidden shame can often turn into the numb, &#8216;onward ho&#8217; experience referred to as &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/living-with-walking-depression.htm\">walking depression<\/a>&#8216;.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Why childlessness causes depression<\/span><\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_18718\" style=\"width: 294px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14750855556_9cd3c7a61d.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18718\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-18718\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14750855556_9cd3c7a61d-284x400.jpg\" alt=\"childlessness depression\" width=\"284\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14750855556_9cd3c7a61d-284x400.jpg 284w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/14750855556_9cd3c7a61d.jpg 355w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 284px) 100vw, 284px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-18718\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/internetarchivebookimages\/14750855556\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Internet Archive Book Images<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>Yes, it might seem logical to \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/gratitude-tips.htm\">count your blessings<\/a>\u2019 or \u2018consider adoption\u2019, but <strong>depression isn\u2019t logic. <\/strong>And\u00a0such <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/giving-advice-in-relationships.htm\">advice from friends <\/a>and family can make you feel even worse.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So can trying to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-are-repressed-emotions.htm\">suppress<\/a> or deny all the feelings that are leaving you depressed.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Recognising your childlessness depression and what it is made up of, if you&#8217;ve spent months or years trying to deny or downplay it, can actually feel a huge relief. It&#8217;s only when we face how we feel that we can start to work through it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>The following can all be the components of<\/strong> depression due to childlessness:<\/p>\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-overcome-loneliness.htm\"><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Loneliness<\/span><\/a>.<\/h3>\n<p>Even if you are still with a partner you can have a sense of a void now between you. You might also feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">unable to connect<\/a> with the friends and family you used to be close to if they have children.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Hopelessness.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>If you always saw your future as with children, or weren\u2019t sure but now realise it&#8217;s what you wanted, you can feel like there is nothing waiting ahead for you. A sort of existential crisis can descend.<\/p>\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\"><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Low self-esteem<\/span><\/a>.<\/h3>\n<p>This is a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\">leading cause of depression<\/a>. Not having children might make you feel faulty, as if you weren\u2019t \u2018good enough\u2019 to find the right partner or attract the good \u2018luck\u2019 required. Again, depression is not logic.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\">Shame<\/a>. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Really the biggest of emotions and an umbrella that hides many of the others, not having children can leave us feeling unwanted, flawed, overlooked\u2026 riddled with shame.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Feelings of failure. <\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Even if we logically know we can\u2019t control our bodies, and we did everything we possibly could try, we can feel somehow that we failed. Failure can be especially high if childlessness is because of not attracting an appropriate partner in time.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/12-steps-to-overcoming-bitterness.htm\">Bitterness<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><span style=\"color: #333333;\">A truly alienating feeling we all tend to hide, bitterness can leave you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\"> unable to connect to others.<\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_18719\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33410252742_90c7271142.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18719\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-18719\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33410252742_90c7271142-400x274.jpg\" alt=\"childlessness depression \" width=\"400\" height=\"274\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33410252742_90c7271142-400x274.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33410252742_90c7271142.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-18719\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/belenbenedicb27\/33410252742\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Benedic Belen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thinking.htm\">Negative<\/a><\/span><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thinking.htm\"> thinking<\/a>.<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n<p>All the above all leads to spirals of negative thinking, which lead us to take negative actions that lead to more negative thinking, and the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-distortions-cbt.htm\">spiral towards depression<\/a> continues.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">What should I do if I am suffering childlessness depression?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>Again, the first step is facing that this is the issue<\/strong>, and reading this article is likely a sign you are on this path.<\/p>\n<p><strong>The second step is to then allow yourself to process and explore<\/strong> your feelings. You might want to start this alone, with things like<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/journal-writing.htm\"> journalling<\/a>, research, and talking on online forums.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Charities and organisations that help\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>There is now a charity here in the UK that focus on the issue of childlessness<\/strong> and fertility issues. The<a href=\"https:\/\/fertilitynetworkuk.org\"> fertility network UK<\/a> offers free resources and a support hotline for those <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/fertility-counselling-london.htm\">struggling with fertility issues<\/a> or childlessness. They also connect you with free support groups across the UK.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>For women who are childless by circumstance,<\/strong> &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/gateway-women.com\">Gateway Women<\/a>&#8221; is an invaluable resource. Launched by a women who became an activist for getting childless women talking after sharing her own story in a book, it provides truly useful information on its site. Gateway Women support groups are now found worldwide, and the weekend workshops sell out.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">When it&#8217;s time to seek professional help\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>If your feelings of depression have gone on for<\/strong> six weeks or more, or is negatively affecting your day-to-day life, it&#8217;s important to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/depression-help-guide.htm\"> seek support<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Working with an impartial and caring<\/strong> counsellor or therapist where you can truly \u00a0admit your feelings without judgement can be a huge relief. And having support in finding your way forward can mean you can make changes far faster than going it alone.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">What sorts of therapy can help with childlessness and depression?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>There are many styles that could help.<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-person-centred-counselling.htm\">Person-centred counselling<\/a> is client-led and could be a good choice. You can choose to just talk about recent experiences, or go into the past, it\u2019s up to you.<\/p>\n<p>If you find that your negative thoughts about yourself and life are what you\u2019d like to look at, and <strong>you want to deal more with what you feel right now then go into your past,<\/strong> consider <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/a>. It is a short-term talk therapy designed to help you catch, challenge, and change your thoughts.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you feel that not having children has made you question the meaning of life, you might want to consider<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/existential-therapy-right-fit.htm\">existential counselling<\/a>. The focus here is on helping you make sense out of your experiences, and then to re-design life in a way that makes sense to you personally.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">How can you help someone who is suffering from depression due to childlessness?<\/span><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li>don\u2019t tell them to think positive or \u2018snap out of it\u2019<\/li>\n<li>don\u2019t give them helpful suggestions like adopting, fostering, seeing a faith healer, etc<\/li>\n<li>don\u2019t judge them for it<\/li>\n<li>don\u2019t tell them they need help but you won&#8217;t help them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Instead, do you best to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\">listen without judgement<\/a>, ask <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/good-questions-to-ask.htm\">good questions<\/a> instead of offer advice, and offer support (take them out, let them call you when they feel alone). If you worry they do need professional support, let them know in a positive, kind way. Read our article on &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm\">how to tell a loved one they need counselling<\/a>&#8221; for advice on how to do this.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #808080;\">Would you like to talk to someone about childlessness depression? Harley Therapy connects you with with warm, understanding <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">therapists in central London<\/a> as well as worldwide via<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-counselling-psychologists.htm\"> online counselling<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><b>Andrea M. Darcy<\/b> <\/a>is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor, trained in person-centred counselling and coaching. She experienced involuntary childlessness herself, but has refused to let it define herself or her happiness and has a pretty darned amazing life. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Not having children due to a pointed choice is one thing. Not having children because it didn\u2019t work out for you is quite another.\u00a0The depression\u00a0this can cause can often remain hidden and untreated. And it&#8217;s far from just a women&#8217;s issue. In a study at the UK&#8217;s Keele University it was [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":18716,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[378,325,202],"class_list":["post-18713","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-depression","tag-depression","tag-family","tag-fertility","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Involuntary Childlessness and Depression - Is it Time to Talk? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Childlessness depression and you - have you been hiding your sadness over involuntary childlessness? 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