{"id":18740,"date":"2017-09-26T11:00:39","date_gmt":"2017-09-26T10:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=18740"},"modified":"2023-03-14T04:47:17","modified_gmt":"2023-03-14T04:47:17","slug":"feel-like-a-failure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feel-like-a-failure.htm","title":{"rendered":"Is This the REAL Reason You Feel Like a Failure?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_18761\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4527381792_1127ed3fc0.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18761\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-18761\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4527381792_1127ed3fc0-400x285.jpg\" alt=\"feel like a failure \" width=\"400\" height=\"285\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4527381792_1127ed3fc0-400x285.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4527381792_1127ed3fc0.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-18761\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/misskiller\/4527381792\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">miss.killer!<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>Feel like a failure when<\/strong> a work presentation or first date doesn\u2019t go the way you planned?<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you manage to bounce back<\/strong> in a couple of days (or weeks if it\u2019s something harder, like a<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\"> breakup)<\/a>, then you probably have healthy amounts of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-resilience.htm\">resilience<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\">self-worth<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><i>But if you constantly feel like a failure, no matter what you do? Then it might be a much deeper issue.\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<h3><strong>What do deep-rooted feelings of failure look like?\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>Do <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/bibliotherapy-read-yourself-better.htm\">self-help<\/a> attempts to &#8216;learn from your mistakes&#8217; or &#8216;notice your achievements&#8217; do nothing to stop you feeling a failure?<\/li>\n<li>Even if you achieve things, do you still feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-does-therapy-help-anxiety.htm\">anxious<\/a>?<\/li>\n<li>If you listen to your mind, is it largely <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/negative-thinking.htm\">negative thinking<\/a>?<\/li>\n<li>Do you always <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/comparing-yourself-to-others.htm\">compare yourself to others<\/a> (and they always look better)?<\/li>\n<li>Do you even do things that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-sabotage.htm\">sabotage your success <\/a>but it\u2019s as if you can\u2019t stop yourself?<\/li>\n<li>Do you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/impostor-syndrome.htm\"> feel like an impostor<\/a>, as if any moment someone will arrive to tell everyone you don&#8217;t deserve what you have?<\/li>\n<li>Do your feelings of failure sometimes come with<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/living-with-walking-depression.htm\"> low moods <\/a>or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/depression-help-guide.htm\">full-blown depression<\/a>?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><strong>Why do I feel like a failure no matter what I do?<\/strong><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Constant feelings of failure can rarely be solved by present-day achievement because they have roots in your childhood.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<div id=\"attachment_18759\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18759\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-18759\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5308268074_0936a164b2-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"failure\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5308268074_0936a164b2-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5308268074_0936a164b2.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5308268074_0936a164b2-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-18759\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/memoryfreak\/5308268074\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">familytreasures<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>What we experience when young can leave us with a set of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/examples-of-core-beliefs.htm\">core beliefs<\/a> (assumptions we think are facts) <strong>that mean we see the world from a place where we can\u2019t win.<\/strong> <em>This is why even when someone else points out our long list of achievements, we feel nothing.<\/em><\/p>\n<h3><strong>What sort of childhood leaves you feeling a failure as an adult?<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">Childhood trauma<\/a> is the most obvious cause of feeling a failure as an adult.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Abuse in all forms<\/strong> \u2013 <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm\">sexual abuse<\/a>, physical abuse, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm\">emotional abuse<\/a> \u2013 <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\">damages self-esteem <\/a>in ways that are pervasive.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">But research shows that childhood can be far from traumatic and still leave us feeling a failure.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><strong>My childhood wasn\u2019t terrible. So why do I feel a failure?<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\">A childhood that leads to being an adult who is confident and resilient turns out to be no easy recipe. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>So even if your parents meant well, the following can leave you less able to \u00a0feel successful as an adult:\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">1.You had a parent who did everything for you.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A <a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/jopy.12249\">2016 study at the University of Singapore<\/a> found that &#8216;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/helicopter-parenting.htm\">helicopter parenting<\/a>&#8216; was linked to children who were anxious, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/quiz-stressed-or-depressed\">depressed<\/a>, and suffered low self-esteem. Later assessments of the children found that 60% were highly self-critical, with a shocking 78% struggling with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-stop-being-a-perfectionist.htm\">perfectionism<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">2. You experienced constant criticism.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Even<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/honesty-criticism-or-verbal-abuse.htm\"> well-meant criticism<\/a> from a parent can mean you carry on the pattern of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/constant-criticism.htm\">criticising yourself <\/a>as an adult, with an inner soundtrack of self-judgement that blocks ever feeling a success.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>3. You were supported, but there were hidden high expectations.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Your loving family might have had built-in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/setting-expectations.htm\">expectations<\/a> that your personality just didn\u2019t match. Perhaps you come from a long line of family men with practical jobs and you are a single artist. It can mean you live with a nagging feeling you\u2019re failing even when doing well.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>4. You were heavily rewarded for being good, quiet, helpful, etc.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_18747\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18747\" class=\"wp-image-18747 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33292438450_0eb8838e3c-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"feel like a failure\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33292438450_0eb8838e3c-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33292438450_0eb8838e3c.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/33292438450_0eb8838e3c-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-18747\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/belenbenedicb27\/33292438450\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Benedic Belen<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>Was praise heaped on you if you were good? But was the parent you adored then emotionally unavailable if you dared to be sad, or voice an opinion they didn\u2019t like?<\/p>\n<p>This leads to a child who reads cues in order to please others. Which leads to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">an adult taking their value from guessing and meeting others needs<\/a>. Of course it&#8217;s impossible to please all the others, all the time. The result? A constant sense of not being good enough.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">5. You didn\u2019t have proper \u2018attachment\u2019 with a parent.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">Attachment theory<\/a> believes that for a child to grow up into a confident adult, the child must be able to fully trust and rely on at least one caregiver. If your main caregiver instead was distracted, emotionally unavailable, or otherwise unable to give you the acceptance and attention you needed, you can grow up with an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\">incapacity to maintain relationships<\/a>. This can leave you feeling constantly flawed.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">6. You had a parent who felt like a failure.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If a parent or main caregiver suffered from low self-esteem and feelings of failure you might have have taken on board this way of being through what social cognitive theory calls \u2018observational learning\u2019 or \u2018observation and modelling\u2019.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">7. You were bullied as a child.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Enough about your parents. Some of us feel a failure all the time as an adult because we were bullied at school. <a href=\"http:\/\/jamanetwork.com\/journals\/jamapsychiatry\/fullarticle\/1654916\">Research carried out at Duke university<\/a>\u00a0connected bullying in childhood to anxiety disorders, depression, and panic disorder in adults. Hard to feel a success in the face of such challenges.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>When the self-help just isn&#8217;t working\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_18746\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-18746\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-18746\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8187285147_0c7f944b51-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"feel a failure\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8187285147_0c7f944b51-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8187285147_0c7f944b51.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/8187285147_0c7f944b51-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-18746\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: Alberto &#8230;.<\/p><\/div>\n<p><em>As you might be realising, such deep-rooted feelings of failure won&#8217;t go away by finding that perfect job or the right partner.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Furthermore, feelings of failure rooted in childhood tend to come alongside very real mental health issues that include:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dealing-with-anxiety.htm\">anxiety<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/quiz-stressed-or-depressed\">depression<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\">low self-esteem<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/personality-disorder-a-help-guide.htm\">personality disorders<\/a> (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dependent-personality-disorder.htm\">dependent personality disorder<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\">borderline personality disorder<\/a>).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>So self-help books are a great start.<\/p>\n<p>But shifting such deep-rooted feelings of failure, especially if they are causing any of the mental health issues above, <strong>is often best done with the support and safe space that therapy can provide.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A good therapist can help you<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-change-your-core-beliefs.htm\"> spot your core beliefs <\/a>and your<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/making-assumptions.htm\"> assumptions<\/a> and process the feelings attached to the experiences that formed them. He or she can also help you slowly retrain your thoughts to a more positive perspective of yourself that includes <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-compassion.htm\">self-compassion<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h3><strong>What sorts of therapy help with ongoing feelings of failure?<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><em>There are many kinds of talk therapy nowadays that can help you with all this. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-psychodynamic-psychotherapy.htm\">Psychodynamic psychotherapy<\/a> helps you deep dive into how your past has created all your current ways of feeling and acting.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-schema-therapy.htm\">Schema therapy<\/a>\u00a0works to identify and change the patterns you live out in life, including the ones that see you constantly recreating failure.<\/p>\n<p><strong>If you want to try a shorter-term psychotherapy,<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/a> helps you recognise and challenge your negative thoughts, and learn to quickly replace such thoughts and take better actions in life.<\/p>\n<p>And <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/person-centred-counselling-london.htm\">person-centred therapy<\/a> is a great choice if you just want to talk, on your terms, and have someone warm and understanding listen and reflect back.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #808080;\">Harley Therapy connects you with counsellors and psychotherapists who can help you overcome longstanding feelings of failure. Meet a therapist in one of three central London locations, or over online from wherever you are in the world.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em><strong><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Do you want to share your story of feeling a failure with our readers? Or have a question about feeling a failure? Use our public comment box below.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Feel like a failure when a work presentation or first date doesn\u2019t go the way you planned? If you manage to bounce back in a couple of days (or weeks if it\u2019s something harder, like a breakup), then you probably have healthy amounts of resilience and self-worth. But if you constantly feel like a failure, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":18761,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[125],"tags":[124,118],"class_list":["post-18740","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-esteem","tag-low-confidence","tag-low-self-esteem","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Is This the REAL Reason You Feel Like a Failure? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you feel like a failure no matter how hard you try? Does the gratitude and self-help not work? 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