{"id":44110,"date":"2017-11-21T11:00:59","date_gmt":"2017-11-21T11:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=44110"},"modified":"2023-03-02T22:04:38","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T22:04:38","slug":"fear-of-relationships-and-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-relationships-and-love.htm","title":{"rendered":"Why Do I Have a Fear of Relationships and Love?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_44119\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-44119\" class=\"wp-image-44119 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3100752553_aac6d7727f-400x300.jpg\" alt=\"fear of relationships\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3100752553_aac6d7727f-400x300.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3100752553_aac6d7727f.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-44119\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/vanessao\/3100752553\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Valeria P.<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Consciously, you had your reasons worked out. <em>You <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sexual-partners-double-standard.htm\">aren\u2019t made to be monogamous<\/a>, you don\u2019t believe in love, you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/need-more-time.htm\">don\u2019t have the time<\/a>, you can\u2019t find someone as smart as you\u2026..<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>And then one day you realise that you are<\/strong> terribly<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/7-surprising-reasons-feeling-lonely.htm\">\u00a0lonely<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>And behind all the excuses, <\/strong>and all the<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-you-cant-fall-in-love.htm\"> failed attempts at love<\/a>, you actually have a fear of relationships.<\/p>\n<p>The next question then becomes, <em>why me?<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #666699;\"><strong>[Not sure you do or don&#8217;t have a fear of intimacy? Read our popular article, &#8220;7 Surprising Reasons You Fear Intimacy&#8221;.]<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Where does a fear of relationships come from?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>It&#8217;s rarely our well-thought out explanations for avoiding relationships that are our true reasons.\u00a0<\/strong>For these you need to dive into your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-the-unconscious-mind.htm\">unconscious mind<\/a>, where you will\u00a0find the set of assumptions you have made about yourself, others, and the world known as your <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/examples-of-core-beliefs.htm\">core beliefs<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Unless we take the time to discover and change these hidden beliefs, they quietly dictate the way we <\/strong>live our lives and each decision we make. If you avoid relationships or sabotage any you attempt, your core beliefs might sound something like:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>love is dangerous<\/li>\n<li>I don\u2019t need anybody<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s better to avoid love because it hurts<\/li>\n<li>I don\u2019t deserve love.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong><em>But how did you end up with a set of core beliefs like this?\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Why do you fear relationships and love?<\/span><\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_44115\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-44115\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-44115\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/15094575495_5220f9daa2-1-400x310.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"310\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/15094575495_5220f9daa2-1-400x310.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/15094575495_5220f9daa2-1.jpg 500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-44115\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/82066314@N06\/15094575495\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Iqbal Osman<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>We are not born terrified of love.<\/strong> You don\u2019t see a newborn baby backing off when it is put into a mother\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">A fear of connection, care, and love is something we learned. And it tends to goes back to childhood experiences that essentially programmed us to shut down to such things.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Yes, in some cases, it might just be a recent <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/getting-over-a-breakup.htm\">bad breakup<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0that has you afraid of letting someone else in. We do need time to heal.\u00a0 But if this is<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-a-schema-psychology.htm\"> a pattern in your life<\/a><strong>,<\/strong> with relationships always going wrong and leaving you shattered, then it is still likely childhood issues at play.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">How do past experiences lead to fear of relationships?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>For some of us, it is an actual <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-psychological-trauma.htm\">trauma <\/a>in the past.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>This might be<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm\"> sexual abuse<\/a>, physical abuse, the<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/truth-about-grief-and-bereavement.htm\"> loss of a loved one<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/abandonment-issues.htm\">being abandoned<\/a>\u00a0or neglected.<\/p>\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">Trauma<\/a> causes a child to feel so unsafe in the world he or she learns<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/defence-mechanisms.htm\">defensive behaviours<\/a>, like hiding their true thoughts and feelings and always being on the lookout for danger.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">These defensive behaviours might help you survive the rest of your childhood. But unless you seek support to work through your trauma, they also leave you more likely to grow up to be an adult out of touch with yourself, who sees many things as \u2018threats\u2019 to protect yourself against. This includes love and intimacy.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">But I didn&#8217;t experience trauma. So why am I afraid of relationships?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_44118\" style=\"width: 330px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6527030185_72c3964013.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-44118\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-44118\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6527030185_72c3964013-320x400.jpg\" alt=\"fear of relationships\" width=\"320\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6527030185_72c3964013-320x400.jpg 320w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/6527030185_72c3964013.jpg 400w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 320px) 100vw, 320px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-44118\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: Daniel Oines<\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-theory-bowlby.htm\">Attachment theory<\/a> is an area of psychology that has found that <em>for a\u00a0child to grow up into a healthy adult, he or she needs to be able to trust at least one adult to love and care for them no matter what, helping them feel safe and comforted if they are distressed. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>A lack of attachment means we don&#8217;t\u00a0complete important parts of psychological development.<\/strong> These parts are known as <em>bonding<\/em> and <em>separation<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bonding is when as a child you develop a sense that<\/strong> you can trust others. It hopefully starts at birth, and involves being nurtured and held and encouraged.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Separation means that by about aged three you are ready to<\/strong> physically and emotionally separate from your primary caretaker with the confidence that the world is a safe place and you are strong enough to navigate it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Without bonding or healthy separation, <\/strong>the child will grow up into an adult with troubles trusting other adults to love and care for them, called \u2018<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\">attachment issues<\/a>\u2019. They are also more likely to develop a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/personality-disorder-a-help-guide.htm\">personality disorder<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">What sorts of parenting leaves you with attachment issues?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Let&#8217;s look at a few examples of parenting that can leave a child with attachment issues.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Unreliable parenting<\/strong> happens when a parent is moody and inconsistent. Perhaps they were suffering from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/stress-vs-depression.htm\">extreme stress<\/a>, mental illness, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/addiction-help-guide.htm\">addiction<\/a>, leaving them mentally and emotionally unavailable. The child does not know if or when a parent will be supportive. They often resort to taking care of and pleasing the parent, burying any of their emotions that are not peace-keeping.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Unreliable parenting can see you grow up to have<\/strong>\u00a0\u2018anxious attachment\u2019 in relationships. You want love, but the anxiety it causes you results in things like a push-pull pattern or avoiding relationships entirely.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Critical, controlling, and shaming parents<\/strong> can be very intolerant of their children having different ideas and feelings than them. This can look like such feedback as \u2018don\u2019t be a baby\u2019, \u2018big boys don\u2019t cry\u2019, \u2018only bad children get angry\u2019, \u2018it\u2019s hard for me to love you when you behave so badly\u2019. You might learn to hide anything you perceive as \u2018weak\u2019 within yourself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Critical and controlling parenting can leave you an adult <\/strong>keeping everyone at arm\u2019s length over allowing them close enough to see that you are not perfect. Or perhaps you have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dangers-criticism-realise.htm\">become the criticiser<\/a>, so hard on yourself and others nobody can get close. This is called the \u2018avoidant attachment\u2019.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #666699;\">As you can see, parenting that leads to attachment issues rotates around a child feeling rejected or punished\u00a0for wanting love and attention, instead of accepted and loved no matter what they think and feel.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #993366;\">I understand now why I have a fear of relationships. But what do I do?\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>A fear of relationships and love tends to be deep-rooted, and be connected to <\/strong>a fear that<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-does-love-hurt.htm\"> love hurts<\/a>. So there is no &#8216;quick fix&#8217; to changing it. On the other hand, with a commitment to self-development and leaving your comfort zone, you can and will see real improvements.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Self-help can be a great start.<\/strong> Reading articles like this, books about love and intimacy, or going to workshops and support groups is useful. But many people find that to break their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/compassion-for-borderline-personality-disorder.htm\">deeply entrenched patterns of pushing others away<\/a> they need professional support.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Nowadays there are talk therapies especially geared to help you overcome your fear of relationships<\/strong> or difficulty allowing love. Read our article on &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/find-a-relationship-what-therapy-helps.htm\">Types of Therapy that Help You Find a Relationship<\/a>&#8221; for more information.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #808080;\">Harley Therapy connects you with experienced and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">registered therapists in central London<\/a> and now also <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\">across England<\/a>. Not in the UK? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/online-counselling-psychologists.htm\">Online therapy<\/a> is now proven to be effective.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em><strong>Would you like to ask a question about fear of relationships? Or have an experience about fearing love you want to share with other readers? Use the public comment box below.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-114425 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-395x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy therapy coach\" width=\"103\" height=\"104\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-395x400.png 395w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-768x778.png 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-500x506.png 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37-50x50.png 50w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/Screenshot-2019-02-23-at-18.17.37.png 792w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 103px) 100vw, 103px\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a mentor who often writes about relationships. Find her on @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Andrea M. Darcy Consciously, you had your reasons worked out. You aren\u2019t made to be monogamous, you don\u2019t believe in love, you don\u2019t have the time, you can\u2019t find someone as smart as you\u2026.. And then one day you realise that you are terribly\u00a0lonely. And behind all the excuses, and all the failed attempts at [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":44119,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[277,260,393,379],"class_list":["post-44110","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-intimacy","tag-loneliness","tag-love","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.0 (Yoast SEO v27.0) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Why Do I Have a Fear of Relationships and Love? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is a fear of relationships leaving you lonely and depressed? We all need connection to thrive. 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Darcy","author_link":"#"},"uagb_comment_info":14,"uagb_excerpt":"Andrea M. Darcy Consciously, you had your reasons worked out. You aren\u2019t made to be monogamous, you don\u2019t believe in love, you don\u2019t have the time, you can\u2019t find someone as smart as you\u2026.. And then one day you realise that you are terribly\u00a0lonely. 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