{"id":4972,"date":"2014-02-27T11:00:53","date_gmt":"2014-02-27T11:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=4972"},"modified":"2022-10-18T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-10-18T11:00:00","slug":"fear-of-intimacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-intimacy.htm","title":{"rendered":"7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><strong><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-5089 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"intimacy\" width=\"383\" height=\"255\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365-768x510.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365-500x332.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365-180x120.jpg 180w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/157365.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 383px) 100vw, 383px\" \/>by Andrea M. Darcy<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Do you sometimes secretly wonder if your real problem is that you have a fear of intimacy? Learn surprising signs that mean you might be right.<\/p>\n<h2>Scared of intimacy?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>It can help to understand what intimacy even really is.<\/strong>\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/get-closer-intimacy-issues.htm\">Intimacy<\/a> is mistakenly thought to just be about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/addictive-relationships.htm\">romance<\/a> or sex. <span style=\"color: #000000;\">But intimacy is about <em>all<\/em> our human relationships and isn&#8217;t about sex at all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Intimacy means letting yourself be closely known, even as you make an effort to <a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/authentic-relationships.htm\">deeply know and experience others<\/a>.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Typical signs of a fear of intimacy<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Some signs of intimacy issues are obvious.<\/strong> We find that we:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>have<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/self-esteem-and-depression.htm\"> low self-esteem<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\">don&#8217;t trust anyone<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/avoidance-coping-depression.htm\">avoid others\u00a0<\/a><\/li>\n<li>never talk about our feelings<\/li>\n<li>choose unhealthy or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/push-pull-relationship.htm\">unstable relationships<\/a> that never last<\/li>\n<li>never show our love and affection<\/li>\n<li>have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/holiday-romance-mental-health.htm\">casual sex<\/a> over emotional connections.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span style=\"color: #333333;\"> 7 Signs you have a fear of intimacy (that are less obvious)<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><strong>But what about the less obvious signs? In those of us who grew up<\/strong> learning to pretend we were okay when we weren&#8217;t? And still know how to act like what we aren&#8217;t as adults? See if the following sound familiar.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\"> 1. You never sit still.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"><em>Always busy, your life full to the maximum? If you do have down time, do you immediately think of what you can do to fill it? Or are you known as a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/combating-workplace-stress-executive-tips.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">workaholic<\/a>? <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Behind a fear of intimacy can be a fear of facing up to ourselves and <\/strong>what we perceive as our &#8216;weaknesses&#8217;. We avoid being close to others because they would then see these apparent &#8216;flaws&#8217;, which can look like feelings of<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/depression-vs-sadness.htm\"> sadness<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/repressed-anger.htm\">anger<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\">shame<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/myths-about-grief-and-loss.htm\">grief<\/a>.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #993366;\">Being constantly busy all the time means you can avoid taking such a risk. And you have the perfect excuse to to avoid anyone wanting to get too close&#8230; you are busy!\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">2. You are known as someone who is very positive.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><em>Do you come across as someone who never gets upset, is always strong, and in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-happiness-really.htm\">a &#8216;good&#8217; state of mind<\/a>?<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong> The truth about human nature is that we don&#8217;t bond over strength, but over weaknesses.<\/strong> Sure, we can bump chests and high five over group wins. But we form longlasting bonds when we see each other <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-does-feeling-vulnerable-mean.htm\">vulnerable<\/a>, and have a chance to share <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/sympathy-and-empathy.htm\">empathy<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So always being forcefully upbeat is often a tactic to hide parts of ourselves<\/strong> and avoid <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">deep connection<\/a>.<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_12006\" style=\"width: 295px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3159321339_8bc5174b11.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-12006\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-12006\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3159321339_8bc5174b11-285x400.jpg\" alt=\"codependency\" width=\"285\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3159321339_8bc5174b11-285x400.jpg 285w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/3159321339_8bc5174b11.jpg 356w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 285px) 100vw, 285px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-12006\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/library_of_congress\/3159321339\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">The Library of Congress<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">3. You are the strong one others turn to.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><em>Are you always<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/advanced-listening-skills.htm\"> listening<\/a> to others talk about their wants and needs? If they try to ask about you, do you change the conversation back so that they are the subject again?<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>This habit of deflecting any focus away from yourself <\/strong>might see you come across as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-feel-so-alone.htm\">a &#8216;real friend<\/a>&#8216;.<\/p>\n<p><strong>But deep down, you are left feeling terribly <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-feel-so-alone.htm\">lonely<\/a>.Your constant focus on other people&#8217;s problems is being used as a shield for you to hide behind.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">4. You always appear perfectly put together. <\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><em>Do you always seem perfect and flawless? <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>The more perfect you appear externally, <strong>the less others can see that you are human and weak just like they are, and the less they will dare get close.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/perfectionism-helping-or-harming.htm\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">perfectionism<\/a> acts as a way to intimidate others.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">5. You are sure you know exactly what you want in a partner, you just haven&#8217;t found him\/her yet.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><em>Do you keep a &#8216;list&#8217; of exactly what you want in a partner? <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>Another form of perfection, the &#8216;ideal mate list&#8217; is usually something that nobody can live up to. <\/strong>It is a convenient way to brush off <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">connecting with others<\/a> by claiming, &#8220;I am sure of what I want and you just aren&#8217;t it.&#8221;<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">Of course, as an intimacy phobic person, even if you did stumble across your ideal partner, you would create a flaw so you could push them away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">6. You are many different things to many different people.<\/span><\/h3>\n<blockquote><p><em>Do you secretly have no idea <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm\">how to be your real self?<\/a> Are you so used to hiding the parts of yourself that you don&#8217;t like that you mould yourself to be what you think others want? <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>This could be called &#8216;Marilyn Monroe syndrome&#8217;.<\/strong> Everyone who claimed they knew her well had a different take on who the &#8216;real&#8217; Marilyn was. The girl next door, the siren, the secretly intelligent woman. The real truth was that she was<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-overcome-loneliness.htm\"> lonely,<\/a> and felt that nobody knew her.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">If someone falls for an image of you they want to see (but which you willingly provide), how can you be hurt if they decide they don&#8217;t like the image? You can just laugh at them and claim, &#8220;Well you didn&#8217;t really know me, anyway&#8221;.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\"> 7. You hide your fear of intimacy behind very strong opinions.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>Strong opinions can be like a way of pushing others back.<\/strong> If you offer enough of them, or become known for them, others are scared off, or tiptoe around you. You thus avoid any real intimacy.<\/p>\n<h2>But isn&#8217;t avoiding intimacy better than getting hurt?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Actually, avoiding intimacy hurts us<\/strong>. It negatively affects our health.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">A <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/20668659\/\">review of current research on social connection and health<\/a> <\/span>\u00a0found that low social connection has as much of an affect on our mortality rate as not exercising. And it&#8217;s twice as harmful as being overweight and\u00a0 raises our risk of death to as much as a smoking or alcohol problem would. [1]<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>But if we find ways to develop intimacy,<\/strong> it helps our health, particularly our mental health.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">A <a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/24331897\/\">study on men and depression<\/a> found that even joining just one social group lowered chances of a depression relapse by 25%. [2]<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>These fear of intimacy signs sound like me<\/h2>\n<p><strong>There are ways to learn<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">how to connect<\/a>, if you are willing to put in the time and effort into what can be quite a learning curve. The first step is to get out of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/denial-in-psychology.htm\">denial<\/a> about your fear of intimacy and admit that there is an issue.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Then you need to learn about what connection is or isn&#8217;t. <\/strong>This might mean a few good books on the subject, or reading our other articles, including:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">Connecting to Others <\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm\">How to Get Ready to Fall in Love<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-you-cant-fall-in-love.htm\">&#8220;Why Can&#8217;t I Fall in Love?&#8221;<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-relationships-and-love.htm\">Why Do I Fear Love and Relationships? <\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/why-do-i-feel-so-unloveable.htm\">Therapies That Help If You Feel Unloveable<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>But a fear of intimacy runs deep, right back to<\/strong> traumatic or difficult childhood experiences, so we often need help to overcome it.<\/p>\n<h2>Therapy and overcoming a fear of intimacy<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Therapy, at heart, is a relationship.<\/strong> For many, the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-the-therapeutic-alliance.htm\">therapist-client relationship<\/a> is also their first time<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\"> trusting another<\/a>, and can be a place to try out ways of relating you can then take out into the world.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333333;\"><strong>The wonderful thing about learning not to fear intimacy is that not only your intimate relationships improve.<\/strong> So, too, will your ability to<a style=\"color: #333333;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/is-dealing-with-difficult-colleagues-affecting-your-mental-wellbeing.htm\"> work with colleagues<\/a>, get along with strangers, and your capacity to actually <a style=\"color: #333333;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-set-goals-that-work.htm\">create the life you want for yourself<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #666699;\"><strong>Need speak to someone about your fear of intimacy? We provide you with some of<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/relationship-counselling-london.htm\"> London&#8217;s top relationship therapists<\/a> in comfortable central offices. Or try our sister site\u00a0 <span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\">Harleytherapy.com<\/a><\/span> where you can work with a registered therapist across the UK or by online as soon as the next 24 hours.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em><strong>Has this article inspired you? We&#8217;d love it if you shared it. We are committed to making emotional health as important and normal as physical health so help us get the word out.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><a style=\"color: #333399;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amdarcy.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea Blundell\" width=\"135\" height=\"136\" \/><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/a> is a well-established mental health writer, and lead writer of this blog. She also works as a therapy advisor, helping you find the perfect therapy for your issues. Her favourite subjects to write about are relationships, trauma, and ADHD.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><span style=\"color: #808080; text-decoration: underline;\">FOOTNOTES\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #808080;\">[1]Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010 Jul 27;7(7):e1000316. doi: 10.1371\/journal.pmed.1000316. PMID: 20668659; PMCID: PMC2910600.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #808080;\">[2] Cruwys T, Dingle GA, Haslam C, Haslam SA, Jetten J, Morton TA. Social group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms and prevent depression relapse. Soc Sci Med. 2013 Dec;98:179-86. doi: 10.1016\/j.socscimed.2013.09.013. Epub 2013 Sep 25. PMID: 24331897.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Fear of Intimacy. Do you suffer from it? Read these 7 surprising signs to find out. Learn why you are afraid of intimacy and how to overcome your fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":5089,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[277,4779,379],"class_list":["post-4972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-intimacy","tag-relating-issues","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows) - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Fear of Intimacy can leave us angry and alone. 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Darcy\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/fear-of-intimacy.htm\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/fear-of-intimacy.htm\",\"name\":\"7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows) - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/fear-of-intimacy.htm#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/fear-of-intimacy.htm#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\\\/counselling\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/157365.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-02-27T11:00:53+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-10-18T11:00:00+00:00\",\"description\":\"Fear of Intimacy can leave us angry and alone. 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