{"id":88239,"date":"2018-05-01T11:00:12","date_gmt":"2018-05-01T10:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=88239"},"modified":"2023-03-07T20:27:11","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T20:27:11","slug":"giving-too-much-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/giving-too-much-in-a-relationship.htm","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Giving Too Much in a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_88243\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5866327717_d369d79d93-2.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-88243\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-88243\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5866327717_d369d79d93-2-400x267.jpg\" alt=\"giving too much in a relationship\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5866327717_d369d79d93-2-400x267.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5866327717_d369d79d93-2.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5866327717_d369d79d93-2-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-88243\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/xlordashx\/5866327717\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Ashley Webb<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Giving can be a great thing, with things like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/boosting-your-mood-volunteer.htm\">volunteering now shown to improve mental health<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Giving too much in a relationship, on the other hand, is something else entirely.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>From <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/helicopter-parenting.htm\">doing everything for your children<\/a>, never charging what you are worth, being the go-to person at work, or the free shoulder for everyone to cry on, <strong>giving too much is linked to psychological issues.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>These includ<strong>e<\/strong>\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/self-esteem-help-guide.htm\">low self-esteem<\/a>, codependency, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/repressed-anger.htm\">repressed anger,<\/a> and feeling stuck in life.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #999999;\">[Not sure you are or are not giving too much? Read our connected article, \u201c<span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/generous-person-or-over-giver.htm\">Generous Person, or Over-Giver<\/a>?<\/span>\u201d.]<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<h2>How to stop giving too much in a relationship<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_88248\" style=\"width: 310px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-88248\" class=\"wp-image-88248 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4474558682_f0c110a7b2-300x400.jpg\" alt=\"giving too much in a relationship\" width=\"300\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4474558682_f0c110a7b2-300x400.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4474558682_f0c110a7b2.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-88248\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/juliejordanscott\/4474558682\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Julie Jordan Scott<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p>If the above sounds too familiar, what next?<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">1. Chart your giving.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Take a tip from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-london.htm\">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)<\/a> and its use of \u2018activity charts\u2019.<\/p>\n<p><strong> Spend three days (or better yet, a week) writing down each and every time you give your time and energy to other people. <\/strong>(It can help to set an alarm to go off every few hours and then to \u2018check in\u2019 in a notepad.)<\/p>\n<p><em>Record how you felt when you agreed to give, how you felt after you gave, and how much time you spent giving to the other person.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Ask yourself the following when you have your record:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Approximately how much time did you spend on doing things for others?<\/li>\n<li>What giving did you enjoy, and what giving left you feeling depleted?<\/li>\n<li>What sorts of environments did you tend to give too much in? Home? Work?<\/li>\n<li>What sorts of moods lead to overgiving for you?<\/li>\n<li>What could you have done instead of the activity you did for someone else?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">2. Spot the need.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>\u00a0For each time you gave in your &#8216;giving chart&#8217; above, what might the hidden need be? <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>For example, &#8220;I proofread my colleague\u2019s report because I want her to like me,&#8221; or &#8220;I had sex with him\/her because I wanted him\/her to stop being mad at me.&#8221;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em><strong>What other way could you have used to get that need met?\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\">The truth about giving too much in a relationship is that we are often actually manipulating the other person. We are over giving instead of having the courage to ask for our needs to be met, or engaging in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-communicate-stress.htm\">healthy communication<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><span style=\"color: #999999;\">[Need helping getting your needs met? For professional support from a qualified therapist, you can visit our sister site<a style=\"color: #999999;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source%3DHarley%2520Therapy%2520Blog%26utm_content%3DMid%2520Post&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1525250667063000&amp;usg=AFQjCNEa_azSsySpBrWzPWLlKv2v6S0Nvw\"> harleytherapy.com<\/a> to book online therapy.]<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">3. Dig down to the core belief.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<div id=\"attachment_88245\" style=\"width: 277px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/12087317805_9660030d9b.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-88245\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-88245\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/12087317805_9660030d9b-267x400.jpg\" alt=\"overgiving \" width=\"267\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/12087317805_9660030d9b-267x400.jpg 267w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/12087317805_9660030d9b.jpg 334w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 267px) 100vw, 267px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-88245\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/pingzman\/12087317805\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Pingz Man<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-change-your-core-beliefs.htm\">Negative core beliefs<\/a>\u00a0cause <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dealing-with-anxiety.htm\">fear and anxiety<\/a> around saying no. As\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/making-assumptions.htm\">assumptions<\/a> you have mistaken as truth, core beliefs tend to look like, &#8220;If I don&#8217;t give I won&#8217;t be loved\/ will be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fear-of-abandonment.htm\">abandoned<\/a>\/ will be worthless&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>Can you see now why you feel so terrified at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-say-no-more-effectively.htm\">saying no to others<\/a>?<\/p>\n<p><em>Read our piece on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/core-beliefs-cbt.htm\">finding your core beliefs<\/a>. What is the core belief that drives you to over give instead of ask for your needs to be met? Is the belief real? What is a more realistic belief?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">4. Practice the timeout rule.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Learning to say no takes time. The best \u2018first step\u2019 here is to <strong>always ask for time to think.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Start with the easiest situations possible, like asking your\u00a0child for five minutes to think about their request to use your iPad. Then try it somewhere like the<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/workplace-stress-help-guide.htm\"> workplace<\/a>.\u00a0 Ask how much time you have to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/decision-making-skills-mental-health.htm\"> think about your decision<\/a>, and take the time offered.<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">5. Flip your reasoning.\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/balanced-thinking-benefits.htm\">CBT therapy uses thought charts<\/a> designed to help your brain learn balanced thinking. And balanced thinking leads to<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\"> setting better boundaries<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Try our annotated version:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Write down the worst thing that can happen if you say no to this person\/experience.<\/li>\n<li>Write down the exact opposite.<\/li>\n<li>Come up with three facts that prove both your original thought and then its opposite.<\/li>\n<li>Come up with a thought that is is exactly in the middle.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>For example, &#8220;<em>My boss will think I am lazy and fire me\/\u00a0My boss will think I am assertive and promote me.He felt I didn\u2019t do well on another project\/my annual rating was average\/three people were fired this year. He liked my last presentation\/he didn\u2019t fire anyone off our team\/I can\u2019t be fired for something not in my job description. Balanced thought in the middle?\u00a0I might annoy my boss because he\u2019ll have to find someone else but I won\u2019t lose my job over this.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>How much better to you now feel about possibly saying no?<\/strong><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_88249\" style=\"width: 275px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7957726210_30da07bcfe-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-88249\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-88249\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7957726210_30da07bcfe-1-265x400.jpg\" alt=\"giving too much in relationships \" width=\"265\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7957726210_30da07bcfe-1-265x400.jpg 265w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/7957726210_30da07bcfe-1.jpg 331w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 265px) 100vw, 265px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-88249\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/forayinto35mm\/7957726210\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Chris Marchant<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">6. Practise being uncomfortable.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-say-no-more-effectively.htm\">learning to say no<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/healthy-boundaries.htm\">setting boundaries<\/a>. It will feel very odd at first.\u00a0You are breaking past old beliefs into new territory. Instead of giving up, learn to accept the discomfort as a sign of personal growth.<\/p>\n<p><strong>A great tool for handling discomfort is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/mindfulness-techniques.htm\">mindfulness<\/a>.<\/strong> If you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/how-to-stop-an-anxiety-attack.htm\">feel anxious<\/a> and sick in your stomach that you are about to say no, take ten minutes to sit and fully experience your feelings. Notice where in your body you feel discomfort, what other thoughts rise up, and see how the feelings can shift if you just notice them.<\/p>\n<p>[Read our free &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/mindfulness-help-guide.htm\">Guide to Mindfulness<\/a>&#8221; and you can start today.]<\/p>\n<h3><span style=\"color: #993366;\">7. Build a support team.<\/span><\/h3>\n<p><strong>Reach out to those you fully trust and\u00a0 ask them to<\/strong> be a port of call to check in with when you are about to over give. Or ask them to call and make sure you set a boundary when you said you would.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\">Nobody you trust<\/a> that much? Or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/shame-definition.htm\">feel too much shame<\/a> over your tendency to give too much in relationships? Do consider professional support.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>A therapist creates a safe space for you to recognise the roots of your over giving, which can sometimes be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">childhood neglect or trauma<\/a>. He or she will support you in trying new ways of relating to others, and recognising the hidden needs behind your over giving. How can you now get those needs met?<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #800080;\"><strong>Harley Therapy clinics connect you with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">highly accredited therapists in central London<\/span><\/a>. For affordable counselling worldwide, please visit our sister site <a href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\"><span style=\"color: #333399;\">harleytherapy.com<\/span><\/a> where you can book online and phone appointments seven days a week, so whenever you\u2019re ready and no matter where you are, we\u2019re here to help.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-117271 alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/headshot-yellow-397x400.png\" alt=\"Andrea M. Darcy\" width=\"115\" height=\"116\" \/>Andrea M. Darcy is a health writer and mentor who loves to write about relationships. Find her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/am_darcy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@am_darcy<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Giving can be a great thing, with things like volunteering now shown to improve mental health. Giving too much in a relationship, on the other hand, is something else entirely. From doing everything for your children, never charging what you are worth, being the go-to person at work, or the free [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":88245,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[332,118,379],"class_list":["post-88239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-codependency","tag-low-self-esteem","tag-relationships","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Stop Giving Too Much in a Relationship - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you giving too much in a relationship? 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